


Consequences of Falling (Version 2 - Ben/Justin)

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Gap Filler Mid-Season 2, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-07
Updated: 2008-03-07
Packaged: 2017-10-13 16:33:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 106,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BEN/JUSTIN SEQUEL to FADE INTO YOU ; Sometimes when we fall, we never know who will be there to catch us…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote FADE INTO YOU, on a whim. I had a Brian/Michael scene I couldn’t throw out, so I wrote a ficcy around it. That ficcy had an atom bomb of a Justin/Ben scene in it that had me clamoring to extend this journey. I don’t like Ben or Justin, from the show… I think they were BOTH taken in such bad directions and NOT just because they were heading toward Brian and Michael. They started out GREAT, both of them and showed me they had such potential for growth and really making me like them, but… I shoulda known better with certain people at the helm of QAF-USA… THIS… is how I saw BEN & JUSTIN’s growth. Not necessarily together like this, but separate. I just find it perfect to match them up, since Brian and Michael are a “couple” in THEIR version of this fan-fic…

  
**Consequences of Falling – V2 – Pt 1**   


  
**Brian – Justin**   


“I’m sorry…” Justin slunk down on the couch, the textbook he was reading open on his lap. “I just _don’t_ get it.”

“What’s to get? That’s history.” Brian was on the opposite end of the same couch, clicking away on his laptop. “Hence the ‘history’ name, meaning ALL IN THE PAST. Never to be repeated.” There were files and papers strewn around him, showing how deeply immersed in work he was becoming.

“… but _why_ would Wallace do that?” Justin was so incensed he sat upright, leaning over to take a drink of his soda. “It’s completely irrational in the scope of the time he was living in. After all that those people had done for him. To, basically, send those marauders to massacre the _entire_ town. They practically saved his ass from--”

“Do you _want_ to argue with me?” Brian had his right arm stretched out over the back of the couch, leaning toward Justin with both eyebrows raised. “Or do you just want to be right?” He’d been clicking the cursor backward on the screen, then glanced over at Justin.

“ **I** am trying to make sense of all…” Justin put down his glass to spread his hands wide over his open book. “… _**this**_ …”

“I told you already, I’m done learning, Justin.” Brian went back to his laptop monitor, staring directly ahead. He twirled his right hand in the air, index finger pointing up. “What Sir NancyBoy Wallace did to the 18th Century Art world doesn’t pertain to me, here… in the year 2000. Welcome to the new Millennium.”

“19th century.” Justin swiped a hand over his face, exhausted from the constant bickering Brian liked to do with him lately. “And his name was NORMAN, stop calling him ‘Nancy’.” His hand smoothed over his aching neck, feeling a headache creep-crawl into his head. “He wasn’t a ‘Sir’, ever. Never been knighted in his life. His brother was, though.” He noticed how closely Brian wasn’t paying attention to him, so he decided to end the topic, moving on to another. “What kind of classes did you take in college?”

Brian wrinkled his brow. “Why do you care?”

“Because…” Justin threw his hand upward, slapping the palm against his thigh. “I’m trying to start a conversation. A ‘banter’, if you will.” He leaned forward a bit, seated on the edge of the cushions, elbows on the open book, on his knees, as he steepled his hands together. “I know almost _nothing_ about you and your childhood. Barely a smidge about your teenage years… an’ you’ve gone completely mum about your college days.”

“Why?” Brian made a face of confusion, shaking his head. “You never cared before…” Then he snickered at his own hilarity, even before the words were uttered. “… unless your hand was down my pants.”

“I’m not.” Always, Justin’s first instinct was to lash out, snap back. Like when he had heard his parents arguing, but only after hours of his father talking down to his mother. “ And you’re not exactly pushing me off, Brian.” He really wished Brian would stop instigating arguments that meant nothing or brought up old business between them. “All you have to do is tell me to stop, and I will.”

“Uhm… I’m a man. _A Gay Man._ Telling, or coercing, me to stop suddenly during a blowjob is detrimental to my sex drive.”

“Let’s go out tonight.” Justin slammed the book closed. “I’m tired of studying.” He chucked the book onto the coffee table.

“Go _where_?” Brian rolled his wrist over to look at the time. “It’s almost… 10pm.” For him, he was already in for the night, having dressed down into well-worn old jeans and black tank-t, out of his business suit once he got home.

“Woody’s.” Justin took both hands and rubbed at his temples. He didn’t know why he was making the offering since he wasn’t feeling like going out. Well… out with Brian, when it always seemed like he wasn’t good enough. Like they always had to compete and seek out other… prospects, when Justin wanted Brian all to himself. “Or Babylon. We haven’t been out in weeks.”

“You…” Brian leaned over, close enough to pinch a bit of loose flab off Justin’s waist, peeking through his tight, short t-shirt and low-riding designer jeans. The fucking kid dressed more stylish than him, some days. He recalled days when Fruit of the Loom Ts and Levi 501s were IT, for him. Now he couldn’t even contain the list of clothing lines that made jeans and Ts these days. “… haven’t been properly fucked in weeks, is your problem.”

Justin was getting a little frustrated by Brian’s attitude, especially not wanting to do anything with him over the last few weeks. “Why am **I** here?”

“What?” Brian snorted out a snicker as he began one finger typing. “You’re taking Philosophy now?”

“NO.” Justin wasn’t laughing, nor smiling. “You _know_ what I mean.” This time he sat like Brian had, but facing the other end of the couch directly. His arm was up on the back of the cushions and bent to lean his head on. “You haven’t touched me in days. And… you an’ I never go out anymore. Not even to pick up men. So…” He soothed a hand up and down his right thigh. “… why am **I** _still_ here?”

“I dunno.” Brian wrapped one arm about his abdomen, having to scratch at some weird place on his side and back, then he simply left the arm there to rest. “…’cause you won’t leave.”

“ _Christ_ , Brian.” Justin covered a hand over his brow, then moved it slowly down over his eyes. “Do you want me to, because I _**will**_.” He spoke clearly, peeking through the spread of his fingers.

“Nah… why don’t **I** leave.” Brian was trying to get up off the couch. “… an’ you stay.”

“So… you _are_ going out?” Justin removed his hand from over his eyes. He was stunned that Brian was actually getting up and taking his laptop elsewhere, leaving all the paperwork strewn on the couch and coffee table.

“No. I’m just not gonna be…” Brian pointed a finger downward to the place where he was standing. “... here.” He closed his laptop halfway, about to go over to his laptop’s case to find his power extension cord. Maybe he’d work on the dining room table.

“You going to Babylon?” Justin sighed heavily, crossing his arms over his chest, his head bouncing on the back cushions in complete frustration.

“Maybe.” Brian trailed over to the glass table to set down his laptop, moving toward the laptop’s case, somewhere near his briefcase.

“Woody’s?” Justin had closed his lids, randomly calling out places.

“Probably not.” Brian made his way back over, having found the power cord and began picking up the files and papers.

“… Michael’s…” Justin twisted his head, lowered lashes glazing blue eyes over at Brian’s paused motions. He knew he hit a nerve.

Brian did stop, but only for a second or two. “None of your fuckin’ business.” He started forcefully slamming papers that didn’t belong into the wrong folders, only to get away sooner.

“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with him, lately.” Justin stretched his arm out to catch a pillow and hug the shape to his body.

“Which is still…” Brian had everything loose collected and in his hands. “… _none_ of your business.” He spun on one foot and wandered away.

“How are he and Ben doing?” Justin already, kind of/sort of, knew. He only wanted to know how much Brian knew, if anything had developed.

“What’s your problem?” Brian stared over at the back of Justin’s head, hands on hips. “What is with you? Don’t you have a Life of your own to screw with?” He never quite understood this strange “obsession” Justin had over Michael… and Ben.

“ _Excuse me?!_ ” Justin pushed himself out of his slumped position, sitting upright and grabbing the back of the couch to turn around and look at Brian. “I’m _only_ trying to talk to you.”

“NO! You’re doing that…” Brian walked into the center of the hardwood flooring of the Loft. “… _thing_ again, when you fixate on something, or someone, and then you fuckin’ _obsess_ about it.” He folded his arms over his chest, latching onto his biceps. “You need to behave. Stay out of Michael and Ben’s relationship.”

“I’m not anywhere _near_ it.” Justin twisted away from Brian’s gaze, hoping he didn’t catch the shock on his features. “He’s become--” _So much more than just who he’d been before._ Justin was amazed he’d let his animosity toward Michael get in the way of getting to know Ben. “Ben’s become a _good_ friend… a confident. Someone I can talk to that _doesn’t_ see me as somebody to step over. Or an anonymous body to fuck…”

Brian simply turned away, walking toward the fridge to grab a beer. “You’re being nosy in things that don’t pertain to you. STOP.” He took off the cap, from the bottle, then took a quick slurp. “Before you get hurt or hurt another person.” He set the bottle down on the marbled counter top, then crossed his arms and leaned on the cool surface. “You practically alienate yourself from friends your own age. Friends that you, by the way, only have because of Michael.”

“I live here with you.” Justin stuck out his right hand. “You and I have… what we have.” He stuck out his left hand, and then he tried to show them coming together. “Michael’s your best friend, so technically…”

“No.” Brian held out an index finger, shaking it back and forth in mid-air. “This is not how it works. _Nothing_ is automatic with me, wherever you might be in my Life.” He bent his left arm, bring his hand up to rest under his chin. “You never cared about him before. Why now?” He was certainly curious, almost in a “protective mode” for Michael.

“I cared.” Justin got off the cushions and started walking around the couch, coming up to one of the breakfast counter stools, head bowed in mild shame. “I just didn’t show it.” He leaned his left elbow on the marble counter.

“SHOW IT?!?” Brian had been taking another sip of beer, when it almost shot out his nose. He used a hand to stop the burn. “Sunshine… _you_ _ **know**_ you’ve shown Michael _exactly_ how you feel about him. By being with me.” He lifted the beer bottle up in a silent “cheer” to Justin.

“That’s cruel. And crude. I’m _**not**_ that kind of person.” Justin took a seat on the stool’s cushion, spinning around to face Brian. “I’ve tried… I’ve tried being friends with him. He doesn’t like me.”

“… hehehe… can you really blame him?” Brian raised one eyebrow in curious inquiry.

“What does that mean?”

“Think about it. Reeeaaaly hard.” Brian snickered, shaking his head at Justin’s blank stare of confusion. “ _What_ have you done to make him start to like you?” He pointed one finger toward Justin as he drank from his beer bottle again. “You gotta give a little, Sonnyboy, to get something.”

Justin recalled the days when “Sunshine” and “Sonnyboy” were names Brian called him out of heartfelt affection. Now they just sounded like trite ways of keeping him down. Pet names that meant nothing or that filled the spaces of calling him something even more derogatory and mean. “You still going out?” He crossed his own arms and leaned on the counter like Brian once had, but then he broke the trance of mimicking Brian. Often Justin wondered if he ever did _anything_ on his own or just in an annoyed reactionary response to Brian’s reactions.

“No. And you can’t come with me, either.” Brian was only putting the words out there in case Justin was thinking about leaving, going to see Michael or… _whatever_ …

“I know. I don’t--” Justin was beginning to grow angrier by the minute. “I can find _**any**_ man on Liberty Avenue who wants to be with me, more than you do. I can bring him with me to Babylon, then maybe to **his** place.” He sure didn’t want to come back to the loft, if Brian was going to act this way all night.

“I wish you _would_ do _some_ thing.” Brian said it more of a way to overview their whole time together, not just this moment. “ _Other than following every fuckin’ move I make._ ”

“ _I DO NOT!_ ” Justin was outraged, even though he had just caught himself mimicking Brian earlier. “I have my own life.” Did he _really_? He wasn’t sure anymore.

“Then why haven’t _**you**_ been going out?!” Brian spread out his hands to show how Justin was being right in this moment, how he seemed to revolve his own life around Brian’s… like they were a couple or something. “Hmm… you’re in college. You’re almost 19yrs old. You’ve barely even started your journey yet. An' already you’re spending lonely nights, secluded away from the world.”

“If you recall, Hobbs made sure _**that**_ journey came to grinding halt.”

“But you’re fine now, _right_? Clean bill of health? No residual effects?” Brian tried to calculate in his head how long it had been since Justin’s bashing incident. If there hadn’t been anything wrong, for awhile now, why did Justin want to use it as an excuse? “How many times are you going to use **him** as an excuse to stop living, taking **me** along as your ‘crutch’?” That was why he had truly regretted making Justin feel, somehow, strangely indebted or, even, that he couldn’t make any moves away from Brian.

“Sorry I’ve inconvenienced you.” With each sentence, Justin became more incensed and pissed off. “Sorry I’ve bothered to care. Sorry I’m always in your way. Sorry for breathing. _**An’ sorry I AM NOT MICHAEL…!!!**_ ”

“Now you’re being childish and rude.” Brian watched Justin spin on one foot, stomping into the bedroom. “Where are you going?”

“ _None of your fuckin’ business!_ ” Justin yelled back in reply, slamming drawers and doors, then closing himself away in the bathroom.

Brian waited a few beats before he moved to pick up the cordless extension, next to him on the counter. He only had to wait two rings before the other line was answered.

 ****

 **“… hello?”**

 ****

“What are you wearing?” Brian turned his back to face the bedroom.

 __

 _“Not now, Brian.”_

 __

Michael sniffled into the phone.

“That’s what you keep tellin’ me, I know you don’t mean it.” Brian frowned, hearing more than just a few sniffles.  
 _  
“I really do this time.”_

“Why? What’s wrong?” Brian wrinkled his brow in concentration, thinking back if it was something he might have done. “What’s happened now?”

 __

 _“… nuthin’… I’m handling it…”_

 __

Brian almost nearly forgot about The Boyfriend -- The Professor. “… it’s Benjamin… he’s there with you…”

 __

 _“I’m gonna call you later. Okay?”_

 __

“No. Come over.” Brian couldn’t help it, he was nosy. He wanted to know how terribly cruel Ben could be, without him even trying to instigate a thing. “In a half-hour, I’ll be all alone.”

 __

 _“Brian…”_

 __

“I get the sinking feeling… later on… you’re gonna need me. I don’t think the phone will do.”

 __

 _“I’m…”_

 __

“Michael…” __

 _“… never mind. I have to hang up now. Thanks for callin’.”_

The line went completely silent and dead.

“… no… I don’t think so, Mikey…” Brian muttered to himself as he hung up the phone. “… I don’t think you’re handling it at all…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
 **Ben-Michael**

“So… you an’ I are _really_ over?” Ben was standing ram-rod stiff, feet planted firmly apart, hands on his hips under his jacket. “I don’t even _get_ a second chance?”

“No… no. We’re not done.” Michael didn’t know how many times he had to make this clear. “I just--I need some space, Ben.” He had been planning on setting up a time for them to talk, but the other night had pushed him to change his mind. “Some time to think.”

“Time? Space? To do _what_?” Ben didn’t want to get pissy, but he’d been frustrated by a lot of things Michael was doing. “Play the field like you think I’ve been doing? Get it out of your system?” He swiped a hand over his lower jaw. “It’s because of the other night, isn’t it?”

“Partly, Ben.” That night was only the beginning of the end, when Michael had actually unintentionally waited long enough to be proven right. “It’s really _a lot_ of things jumbled together. Stuff I haven’t told you about.” He figured that covered the mention of having sex with Brian.

“I made those plans.” Ben pointed his index finger hard, down toward the floor. “ I made the reservations for dinner, not knowing…” It amazed him how sometimes he could be running along, life not messing with him… and then one day hitting that “wall” he hadn’t bothered to knock down from the last relationship he’d been in.

“No… no…” Michael shook his head, arms crossed over his chest. “… that’s not why this is happening.”

“Then _what_ was it? Something I did… or I didn’t do? Before or after dinner?” Ben attempted to walk closer, but Michael took a few steps backward, which caused him to stop. “It was a special night, Michael. You know how much it meant to me.”

Michael was slowly nodding his head, but kept his eyes averted, and down. “It was for me too, Ben.” He licked his lips and raised curious eyes. “Who was that man?”

“ _What_ man?”

“The one you bumped into outside the restaurant.”

“He’s…” Ben had been caught unawares, not sure how to explain the “place” the man in question had in his life. The one he kept away from Michael. “He’s an old friend.”

“Mmm… you already told me that.” Michael scratched at the side of his face, staring down at his feet. “I didn’t buy it then and I’m not taking it now.”

“Wha-?” Ben knew he was intentionally holding back information, but he also couldn’t help feeling Michael wasn’t being truly honest with him, either. This whole decision seemed way too sudden. Michael had to have been thinking about this for quite awhile. “Why won’t you believe me?”

“I don’t know, Ben. You don’t hug an old friend that way unless… _unless_ deep feelings were shared.”

“ _You would know…_ ” Ben spoke out before really thinking over what to say.

“Huh?” Michael’s head shot up in instant shock.

“Brian.” Ben figured if he’d said it, and it was out there… why not pick it apart.

“What _about_ Brian?” Michael frowned, his brow wrinkling in interest.

“He’s all over you these days.” Ben shaped a hand over Michael’s shape in the air.

“No he is not.” Michael rolled his eyes to have to hear this shit again.

“Sheesh… not in the literal sense.” Ben thought about it and took the comment back. “Although, when you two are in close proximity, he can’t really _**not**_ touch you.” That was a given even Michael knew, and couldn’t deny. “But, what I meant is, even when he’s not around--HE permeates off you. Like he’s _**in**_ you. Permanently.”

“You…” Michael turned away to wander off, back slightly twisted. “… are crazy”

“Am I? I don’t think so, Michael.” Ben folded his arms over his middle, eyes squinting at Michael in deep concentration. “Did you start to date me because you _know_ I’ll be dead soon?”

Michael was stunned the words were even uttered. “ _ **Pardon me?!?**_ ”

“You can be honest. I’ll be all right. It’s happened before.” Ben wasn’t even going to apologize. It’s what he always wondered about healthy gay men and why they wanted to date him. “Not that I’m used to it, because this was something I saw potential in, as well, Michael. But…” He’d never really been able to ask the question as outright as he was able to now. Probably bad timing on his part, since Michael looked like he was about to implode. “… was it easier to make yourself fall in love, when you knew I had a time limit?”

Michael stormed over to the front door of his apartment. “ _ **Get out!**_ ” He growled out in frustration. “ _ **Get.The Fuck.Out!**_ ”

“Mmm…” Too late to apologize now, Ben thought he should just go full-throttle at this point. “… did I hit a little too close to home?’

“No, actually… you’re way off the fuckin’ charts. I found myself falling for you because I thought--” Michael hid his face behind the door paneling, clearing his throat. “ Maybe I had some idea you’d need me… like Vic needed me an’ Ma when he was diagnosed.” He lifted his face to look directly at Ben’s approach, though he remained distant as he passed him by. “But you’ve blocked me out at every turn. I’m supposed to be all cautious and protective when it comes to having sex with you, and that’s as far as I know about your Poz status. I don’t even know… well, anything, Ben.”

“What do you _want_ to know?” Ben stop, turned and leaned against the doorjamb.

Michael shook his head. “It’s not that easy, Ben.” He opened the door further, which caused him to step away from Ben’s reach. “You either want me in or you don’t. You can’t have it halfway and then suddenly pull back. I took a chance, with us. I know I did. And I know I’m better for getting to meet you, and having you in my life for this brief time, but--I’m not sure you’re ready.”

“Ready for _what_?” Ben let out a soft, whispery chuckle as he spoke.

“ _Ready to fall as hard as I will._ ” Michael’s eyes literally bore into Ben’s smiling gaze that seemed to drop as it sunk in -- there _had been_ potential here, but Ben hadn’t shown him _any_ effort. At least to his liking. Even after they’d introduced sex into the relationship. Michael seemed to be the one taking all the risk and getting nothing much in return.

“Michael…” Ben pushed off the doorjamb, one hand reaching out to clamp on a shoulder, but Michael pulled back.

“Just… go…” Michael shook his head, averting his head. “… _please_ … leave me a little bit of my dignity and end this conversation now.”

“I’m sorry for assuming you’d--” Ben didn’t know _what_ was happening or, really, what he’d done specifically, before this conversation, to cause Michael to want to end their relationship. With the addition of sex, he had figured Michael was about to become a permanence in his life. It had been tough for him, as well, to open himself up and be with Michael as close as they had been.

“Don’t. I _do_ understand, but you hit a nerve that’s not likely to heal, Ben. Sometimes you gotta watch what you say to people. Curt and calm can be all right for some, but… _I need more_. More than you’re not prepared to give.” Michael raised his eyes to Ben’s stunned face, nearly drowning in those dark blue eyes, filled with desperation. Like a man grappling for a safe harbor. “You also need to decide how you want to be with the men you date, and stick with it. I was as open and honest as **I** could be with you, knowing how close you were allowing me. You shut me off, at some point, and didn’t want to let me in further, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.” Michael wasn’t sure Ben saw him as much of anything to use as a support. Or that he truly needed him.

Ben thought Michael was simply making a hasty decision without thinking it over. Or at least know what it felt like to say the words face-to-face with him. “Can I call you in a few days? Then we can talk about this some more, see if this is what you really want?”

“Ben, I, uh…” Michael didn’t know if he could tell Ben that was sleeping with Brian and that _this_ was pretty much IT for them. “I’ll call you. And we’ll see about meeting for lunch or dinner. It might not happen like you want.”

“I just need some time too, is all. This--this stuff isn’t easy for me either.”

“I know it isn’t. I do.” Michael gave off a small, sad smile. “Vic’s been single throughout most of his battle. I had some idea that I could be what I could never be for him… for you…” He began to slowly close the door as Ben stepped out into the hallway. “Sorry for that, at least.” He shrugged one shoulder, tucking his hand in his jean pocket.

“Don’t be. Your heart was in the right place.”

“Hehehe… it always seems to be, though, you know…”

“G’night, Michael.”

“G’bye, Ben.”

The door was closed and the locks turned tight.

Ben had no idea what happened, but what he was sure of was that he just may have made the biggest mistake of his life in keeping an emotional distance from Michael. He would’ve loved to have shared his entire life with Michael, knowing what a support system he would’ve been. But the idea of losing that, after finding someone so special… Ben wasn’t sure he could handle the loss. He thought they could just causally date. Then he had become attracted sexually. When they’d come close to actual sex, he felt Michael draw away, thinking he was a little scared, frightened, which was understandable. But Ben finally knew why Michael had drifted. And it was mainly because he had vanished first…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ben really didn’t know what he was doing as he stood outside Michael’s apartment building, staring into nothingness. When he lifted his head to look up, he noticed a familiar car in the distance. What in the world was Justin Taylor doing here? He decided he’d approach, if only to gain some interesting company for the evening. He knocked on the driver’s side window, leaning his hands on the car’s bodywork.

“Should you really be out this late, young man?”

Justin had lowered the entire glass window to smile up at Ben. “Hi, Ben.”

“Hey, yourself.” There was a slight chilled breeze that blew in and spiked up a piece of Justin’s hair, Ben simply reached out to settle the flyaway back down.

Justin was startled by the random caress, only because he’d been thinking of Ben, lately, inappropriately and wondering… _only_ wondering if Ben was doing the same. Not that Justin was trying to harp on Michael’s boyfriend, but-- he hadn't lied to Brian, he and Ben were becoming quite good friends.

Having started this weird relationship one day, promising to meet at the Liberty Diner. The request had seemed odd to Ben, since the young man worked there. Why would he want to go on his day off? But… it could be just the familiarity of the establishment, which Ben understood. They had thought about a booth, ending up sitting at the counter. Neither of them knew why they were awake this early in the morning. Ben had said he couldn’t sleep, restless night; Justin, much the same, fitfully sleeping and unable to fall back asleep too. He took a chance Ben was suffering the same insomnia and he was. He hadn’t been disappointed he started this connection. They had talked and laughed until they learned Debbie would soon be in to start her next shift. They made sure they were out of there by the time she was on her way into work.

“Where're you headed?” Ben looked down both sides of the street, noticing no traffic on the road.

“No idea. I just wanted to get out of the Loft. Away from--” Justin was going say Brian’s name, but knew how Ben reacted to hearing it. “… school work.”

“I can sympathize. I had--” Ben didn’t really know why he was about ready to divulge all his secrets to Justin, so he simply shut up. “Want some company?”

“You’re not here for Michael?” Justin was a bit shocked, sitting back in his seat. “Like a ‘date’… or something?” He didn't understand why he felt a sudden pang of jealousy. He wished Brian was half as attentive Ben was to Michael.

“We called it an early night. I was leaving.”

“Really?”

Ben snickered at how stunned Justin was by this news. “Yes, _really_.”

“Headache, huh?” Justin could've sworn he saw something “pinched”, like annoyance or frustration, on Ben's features.

“No. Just the end of a long, busy day, for both of us. We don’t--never mind. Unlock. I’m coming around.” Ben tapped the car door, and sprinted around the back of the sedan, to come up the passenger side. “Ahh… I dreaded finding a bus this late at night.” He climbed in, fitting his large frame into the small bucket seat.

Justin felt a bit intimidated when Ben filled his bulk beside him. Brian never made him feel this “tiny” or “petite”. “Why don’t you just break down and buy a car, Ben?”

“Because…” Ben left the explanation at that, nothing more.

“Ah… good reason.” Justin chuckled moving his hand to shift gears, ending up brushing his knuckles over Ben’s thigh. The intensity of warmth overwhelmed him. “Any place you _need_ to be? Or go to?”

“How old are you again?” Ben knew. He simply kept testing Justin to see if he would ever lie about his true age one of these times.

“Almost 19.”

“They still let you into Woody’s and Babylon?”

“Fake I.D.s” Justin pointed to the little tray, near the cigarette lighter, where the cards sat.

“Hehehe… they any good?” Ben pulled them out, taking a look over them. “Man, these look quite professional.” He did a long, slow whistle of being impressed by the professionalism. “Did Brian help you get them?” He simply threw them back into the tray.

“No. Daphne -- my best friend from high school. She knew this guy.” Justin squinted his eyes, glancing out the windshield to think backward if he could recall the information. “I think she dated him, once. Anyway, he had an older brother who did this kind of stuff for years. I could even get a passport in, like, 48hrs.”

“Mmm…” Ben shook his head in disappointment. “… you really don’t want to be messing with a passport. Other countries might not tolerate fraud like we do here in the states.”

“You’re right.” Justin wiped at his sweating brow. “I didn’t think of that.”

“So...” Ben turned his body, his left arm moving to rest along Justin’s seat. “… what were you studying tonight?”

Justin swallowed with some difficulty. This was why he liked Ben. Always in “teacher” mode, but never cynical about their age differences. Knowledge was powerful information, not exclusive to one person, just because the elder had learned it first. “ _Art in World History._ It’s a fascinating subject.” He was amazed that this kind of class fascinated him to such a degree. Especially since his own artwork didn't have much of a classical feel as it did a modern touch. “More in the sense that… so many of our famous pieces of work today were _pivotal_ in our history. Shit we never could even fathom.”

“Where are you now? 18th or 19th century?” Ben blinked, looking around to make sure when Justin pulled out onto the street to drive away that there was no traffic.

“We’re at Norman Wallace, when he sent those…” Justin was hesitant to speak, because he had to think back to the way he’d felt hours ago, trying to do this very same discussion with Brian. “… when all those townspeople were murdered, because of his-- uh, nefarious ways.”

“ _Oh, Christ…_ you haven’t gotten to the _worst_ of it.” Ben blinked slowly, his confidence billowing since he knew a lot about this stuff. “Did you know… Wallace commissioned the husband of the wife he’d killed in his bed to paint his self-portrait for his heirs, to sit in his home? The very home he took from them?” He glanced over at Justin, watching how the young man drove the car. Justin was seated almost huddled to the door, hands at the lower circle of the steering wheel, knuckles scraping across his thighs.

“ _Damn…_ really?” Justin knew if he waited long enough, he could get the real nitty-gritty about what he had been reading. “The guy was a major douchebag. I don’t know why those people didn’t know what he was up to. Selling them out like that after they--” He pushed on the brake at a red light, turning on his left signal to get out of the neighborhood, back on to one of the main streets. “… well, they _literally_ helped him win and then he turns around and…” He flittered his hand in the air, sitting upright, a bit straighter. “… well, you know. But he did it with his head held high, like he was doing them a favor.”

“Yeah, well… those kinds of ‘douchebags’ were thought of as royalty back then.” Ben tucked his right hand between his thighs, staring out the windshield. “They once believed that there _**was**_ a group of townspeople who survived the massacres and escaped to America.”

“You’re kidding me?! I thought those killers left no stone unturned?” Justin loved how knowledgeable Ben seemed to be about anything creative -- art, novel writing, poetry. Even how it pertained to modern society.

“Not quite true. Some books lead you to believe it was a successful coup to win for Wallace, but there were some very small, _distant_ accounts of some of those men Wallace hired _**not**_ following orders.” Ben looked over at Justin, every once and awhile catching those piercing blue eyes that always seemed to be smiling at him, a little shy. “Some who showed up drunk and only raped the women, stealing the children as their own.”

Justin felt his gut clench. Ben made things that were once boring to him and tedious, seem somehow exciting and brand-new. “It was the children that escaped who survived?”

“No… _the women_ , actually. And some had children out of wedlock, who were sons and daughters of _those_ men. I mean, it wasn’t instantaneous -- all of them miraculously pregnant at the same time. They took the women out of the town and basically brought them home to make them slaves, occasionally fucking them when their wives weren’t willing. Wallace didn’t really care, because he knew the women would never talk about what they’d suffered. But their children did. The children who were taken, and then the ones who were born of the savageness of those men.”

“Wow.” Justin was downright fascinated now, only because Ben made it seem, _and feel_ , more real. He made it sound like a soap opera on television. “I _**knew**_ it couldn't have ended there. Wallace was too-- you know…” He attempted to think of an exact word, but was clueless.

“Yeah.” Ben softly chuckled, rubbing a hand over his chin. “There’s a famous painting. It actually hangs in The Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York. The artist never gave it a name, but some call it… _Walking on Clouds and Moonbeams._ ”

“Have you seen the piece?” Justin had only begun to think about New York City since Brian had told of his dream to work out there one day, become the Best Fuckin’ Ad Executive he could, leaving The Pitts behind. He didn’t know why, but somehow he knew Ben had been to New York City, had probably traveled the world outside Pittsburgh limits.

“Yeah… but they aren’t walking on _actual_ moonbeams or anything.” Ben’s voice became softer, as if he was remembering how he had felt staring at that huge gorgeous painting. Like he could _feel_ the ancient emotions and feelings of those dead souls who never survived beyond that moment in their lives. “It’s just that when the group of children got together to battle against Wallace and those evil men -- _some their own fathers_ \-- they were said to have been placing themselves on feet made of clouds, dreaming they could actually win against a powerful entity like Wallace. Thinking they could defeat him, and come out unscathed.” He _knew_ why he loved it so much -- the painting, the story – with his own struggles with his father.

“You should come to my class sometime.” Justin was always left a little breathless and emotionally turned-on when Ben taught him something new about things he had just learned in his classes. Always taking him one step further into purity, one step closer to knowing who _**he**_ was. “I’m sure the other students would love to hear more of this as well.”

“Your Professor should already know this stuff. It’s up to him on how he wants his students to perceive the historical moment. Me…” Ben gestured to himself, shaking his head. He knew what other teachers were like, even his own Professors in college. He’d always made a promise to himself to be as “real” as he could with his own students. It had worked, so far. It was why young kids clamored to his classes, and why those who were close to graduation returned to ask him if they could help him “teach” future students. “I see no harm in presenting truth and letting my students decide for themselves what’s false or real. It’s what learning is all about. Some… prefer to limit your learning.”

“You mean… I’m not really getting what I paid for?”

“Well, _**you**_ are, because Brian’s paying, isn’t he?”

“Ugcch…” Justin held a hand over his upper chest, near his heart. “Touche, Professor Bruckner… Touche.”

“Justin…”

“Hmm--?”

Ben knew that at some point the ice had been broken between them and Justin was more open and extrovert. “What _were_ you doing outside of Michael’s apartment?”

Justin closed his lids briefly, then gripped the steering wheel with both hands, the upper circle now. “Promise not to laugh?”

“At what? You’re a comedian now? What’s next… magic tricks?”

“No…” Justin giggled, reaching out to clamp his hand over Ben’s thick thigh, shoving lightly. “Don’t laugh at me before I tell you.”

“Okay.” Oddly, Ben found himself getting choked up, having to swallow hard. Justin was playful, sometimes a little too forceful in his reactions, as if he didn’t know boundaries or had never had _true_ _**close**_ friends growing up. “I promise.” He wanted to keep that hand there, on his thigh, allow the fingers to slide up his jeans to his crotch, where he was beginning to bulge. This was strange, especially after having the weird semi-argument with Michael and having these “sensations” with Justin.

“All right. I was--” Justin took his hand back, tucking it about his waist, driving one-handed. “I was hoping you would be there.” This was the truth. H felt he needed that “safety net” Ben could give him. “I was gonna call you an’…” He was embarrassed over this next admission. “… and then pretend like I was already on my way, even though I was there.”

“Juuustiiin…” Ben knew a boldface lie when he heard one.

“ _What?_ ” Justin cracked himself up laughing, because Ben sounded like his mother, when she was annoyed with him if he had done something he shouldn’t have. And he was beginning to love the way Ben could look at him and “see” his true self, but not ridicule him for being an outright bad liar.

Ben’s hand moved to the back of Justin’s neck, cupping the nape; his fingers flicked over the shaved hairline. “Come on…” He felt Justin flinch, only a little. He was growing more comfortable with simple touch, not that it had to be laced with sex, but just human contact. “Be honest with me. It’s okay. It’s only you an’ me. No one else. I won’t tattle on you.” Ben really had nobody to “tell” much to.

“ _Originally…_ ” Justin felt his body loosen, un-tense itself, while being in Ben’s presence. There was always an initial moment of thinking whatever he did would set Ben off into wanting sex, but then Ben would touch him -- in some small, insignificant way -- and Justin would crumble, knowing he was with a good friend. “… I wanted to talk to Michael, but then I chickened out. O I talked myself out of it, then decided I would try to find you. See what you thought about what I should do.”

“If it’s about Brian…” It was weird. With Michael, there was absolutely no discussion about Brian, except a brief history and then how Michael presently felt. Ben dreaded those times, having some idea Michael would fawn on-and-on about how wonderful his best friend. Instead, Michael was mostly mum and silent. With Justin, Ben would find himself able to coherently discuss Brian, often ribbing Justin for the way he felt, but Ben sometimes initiated those types of conversations. Like he knew he had a better chance of saving Justin than he did Michael. “My _only_ suggestion is to dump him an’ run. Far away and as fast as you can.”

“ _ **Stop it!**_ ” Justin squealed with some laughter behind his outrage. “Now you _**are**_ making fun of me!”

“No… seriously…” Ben was very, very serious now, because of his “serious face” and concentrated look. “… what’s going on?”

Justin found he almost couldn’t drive; he swerved a bit on the road. “Brian _thinks_ I hate Michael An’ I don’t. Not really.” He was so humble in his shame, not knowing how he’d gotten where he was, this fast.

“Mmm… so what was your plan, if I hadn’t been there? Knock on his door and do-- _what_? Or were you just gonna serenade him from the car window?” Ben had taken his hand away earlier, but kept the shape circled about the top of Justin’s seat, on the head rest. He _really_ felt like holding Justin, close to his side. He had begun to feel that way for quite awhile.

“I don’t know where I messed up.” Justin shook his head sadly, staring out the windshield. He badly wanted to fall into Ben’s welcoming one-arm hugs. “Maybe I wanna start all over again. I know I screwed this up. An’ I’m not helping by being with Brian and doing things with him Michael only dreams of.”

“Justin…” Ben had figured early on that Justin could expertly talk his way out of taking responsibility for certain things in his life.

“Okay, okay. I promise.” Justin cross-chopped his hands in the air before he grabbed the wheel again. “No more talk about _anyone_ other than us. Whatever’s going on in our lives.”

“Uhm…” Ben turned to his right to look out the passenger side window. “… that’s gonna be a little difficult if you plan on going to a bar or a dance club.”

“I really don’t feel like Babylon.”

“Woody’s?”

“Meh… it’s a little lame. There won’t be anyone there I like or would like to go home with.” Justin threw the last bit out on a mere whispered tone. “ _… except you._ ”

“You wanna go home with me?” Ben’s index finger found its way to skimming Justin’s jawline in a slight teasing manner.

“Whut?” Justin stared stunned in disbelief. Had he actually said that out loud?

“No…” Ben could see the redness seep into Justin's face, from some shame and embarrassment. He decided to change the subject. “You know what?”

“Uhm, _what…_?” Justin nervous chuckled, playing with the watch on his wrist.

“I’m gonna take you somewhere I bet Brian would never think of taking you.” Ben kept nodding his head in agreement with himself. “They don’t care how young you are. In fact, they encourage young gay men to come see them.”

“Oh, wow…” Justin could only assume it was something that might be exciting or very, very laid-back and boring. But when he was with Ben, he often forgot that Ben had been like Brian, before his diagnosis. “What kind of ‘parent’ are you?”

“I’m not.” Ben took his arm back, settling the limb down, along his left thigh. “In a perfectly ordinary world, I’m just a gay man, trying to live his life and find love.” Kids and having children was an intensely sensitive subject for him. “Just like everyone else is doing…”

“What are your thoughts on alcohol?” Justin leaned over, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“ _ **You**_ don’t drink until your 21.” Ben was always clear on that point. No matter where they were together, he _**was**_ Justin’s authority figure, watching him closely.

“ _Damn…_ well, what scene of debauchery are you taking me to?” Justin coughed into his hand, feeling a bit of undiscovered pleasure enter his body. There was so much to learn and understand about his own lifestyle, so many things Brian hadn’t shown him, yet. “I’ve already been to the gay baths-- _yes-please-an’-no-thank you._ A few gloryholes and Babylon’s backroom.” Justin shrugged both shoulders, shaking his head at the mystery. “… what more is there?”

“Not your ‘scenes’?” Ben was picturing Justin at every single one of those spots, since he already knew what Justin had looked like in Babylon’s backroom -- getting _serviced_ or… _servicing_ other men. He loosely set his left arm about his own waist.

“Uhm… I thought Babylon’s backroom was bad enough.” Justin made a disgusted face. “Hated the gay baths. I think they serve their purpose. It might be better if we were still living in those times when they were more popular and needed. Now it’s more for sexually frustrated middle-aged married straight guys. I guess some folks don’t like public eye, and want privacy. So there is some usage to it.”

“Ahh… you had a bad experience there.” Ben nodded his head, twisting only slightly to glance at Justin. “That... will ruin anything.” He had to look away again, because he’d had his share of gay bath moments and they had been pretty hot, but… yeah… scary. He could actually feel his body shaking slightly to see what kind of situations Justin had gotten into when he tagged along with Brian.

“He…” Justin found himself actually a bit shameful and nervous when he told Ben what he’d experienced. Like he was afraid it would turn Ben off, make him not attracted anymore. If he had been attracted at all. “… he wanted to fuck me raw and cum inside me. When I didn’t agree to that, he wanted me to-- he just wanted me to do a bunch of S&M shit that I wasn’t down for.”

“Where was Brian?”

“Kicking the guy out of the room. It was a foursome.”

“Ahh… _**that**_ Kinney Kinda Romance…”

“ _ **Shut up!**_ ”

“Well… you don’t have to worry with me.” Ben cleared his throat, trying to clear his mind of dirty perverted thoughts. “I’m not taking you anywhere dangerous. I actually _know_ the people there. And the owner is a very good friend of mine. So I know the place is clean and on the up-n-up.”

“You said I _wouldn’t_ know this place.”

“Yeah… most likely not.”

“It’s on Liberty Avenue?”

“Sort of. An off-shoot street.”

“Can I park on the street or will I have to find a parking garage?”

“Street’s fine. Actually, I know a great parking space and it’s right next to the club.”

“Wow… now I really am intrigued.” Not like Justin hadn't been before.

 **~~TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

 

Justin couldn’t even believe he was actually _here_ , where he was-- _with Ben_. He had no idea that Ben had this “side” to him. This flirty, sensual side that bordered on near affectionate. Not only was Justin exhilarated by the club itself, their “private room” was just amazing: dark and decadent, made of soft velvets and draped silk materials. Two high wing-backed chairs was were they sat, like they were royalty. A small round tabled was between them, to set their drinks on. The chairs were caddy-corner to a small stage with a mini-runway. At the end of that runway was… what could only constitute a “stripper pole”.

 **Chesterfield's** … was its name. And it was _exactly_ as Ben had stated. They parked in a close parking spot, where they didn’t have to pay any money. They hoofed it across Liberty Avenue and down a small side street. They had to open a gate, then walk down a flight of stairs, leading into the basement of the building they were in. Only the basement was the front of the club. They had known Ben and he was welcomed with open arms. At first, Justin was a little fearful. Upon initial glances, they were women. On closer inspection… they were professional cross-dressers, transsexuals, trans-genders and the ilk. Some were so perfectly flawless you would swear they were females, some just trying to find a niche in this world for being six-foot tall Amazons.

Justin knew he looked like a greenhorn, staring with wide eyes and ridiculously smiling, unable to loosen his cheek muscles. He just knew Brian would rib him raw for being here, even stepping beyond the doorway. He had to admit, though, he had a secret fascination with _this_ slice of lifestyle, gay or straight. Maybe because they _knew_ they were different, so they embraced the differences and fed into a culture who warmly accepted them. Probably why the club was buried in the basement of the building.

Their “hostess” was Samira, who Ben knew. She flowed down the stairs like the place was the Playboy mansion and she was their lead Playmate. She was dressed in a negligee and matching garter belt in stockings, a long flowing silk robe draped around her broad shoulders. She called Ben… “Benny”… and Justin had to stifle a chuckle in those first few times she said the name. Then it became something he heard in the background.

Justin leaned over to touch Ben’s forearm. “They don’t expect sex, do they?”

“No. Not unless you’ve requested, and paid, for it beforehand.”

“ _Do_ _ **you**_ _?_ ” Justin raised a curious eyebrow.

“Do **I** _what_?” Ben softly snickered, wondering what Justin wanted to know.

“Dabble in this… _lifestyle. The_ _culture?_ ” Justin had never been introduced in this way to any aspect of gay/straight life and he was finding it interesting that he wasn’t bothered by being thrown in the midst. Not even knowing if Ben had a “thing” for these kinds of… well, it actually made Justin more attracted. “Do you like that sort of thing? The She-Male…?”

“I enjoy the performances more than anything.” Ben let his gaze move about the entire room. “All these women are my _friends_ , in one way or another. Either by me getting to know them or… through Samira’s recommendation.” He coughed into his hand, crossing one leg over a knee. “I _dated_ one of the girls. Pre-Op. Before her surgery.”

Justin stared aghast and shocked. “Is _**she**_ here? Have we seen _**her**_?” He turned his head about the room.

“No…” Ben grew quiet and solemn, looking down at the dark carpeting. “She’s no longer here.

Justin knew he may have touched a sore nerve with Ben, so he backed off. “You can request different women?”

“Have you ever been to a _straight_ bar?” Ben thought Justin looked adorable, like an eager, excitable kid in a candy store. “Have you heard of the Champagne Room?”

“Uhm… no, I don't know it personally.” Justin cleared his throat, finding himself crossing his leg over a knee, just like Ben. He was going in the opposite direction. “A lot of songs mention the Champagne Room, when they talk about stripper clubs.”

“Well… think of it like that. A business of nothing but Champagne Rooms…”

“This room is _nice_.” Justin nodded his head, sitting more upright and looking about his chair.

Ben bent his elbow on the left arm rest, leaning toward Justin. “You think I did this to scare you?”

“No… no… that’s something Brian would do. On his way to making me the…”  
 _  
“… best homosexual_ **you** _can be…”  
“… best homosexual_ **I** _can be…”_

They snickered as they both said the words at the same time.

“You were curious, weren’t you?” Ben lifted his chin with pride toward Justin.

“Huh?” Justin twisted quickly to glance at Ben.

“About gay life…” Ben leaned forward in the seat, almost on the edge of the cushion. “The way gay men interacted with each other, and with their partners. With random strangers. Possibly because you've been shunned for years, with the way you felt.” He could say these words because it was near-to-exact of his own life, and plenty of his old friends over the years. “Having to hide your emotions and feelings. Unable to tell that… _boy_ you liked, how he made you feel.”

“What are you getting at?” Justin did much the same, finding himself nose to nose with Ben, and lowering his eyes to stare at Ben's mouth.

“You put yourself out there…” Ben’s eyes flittered over Justin’s face, the nuances of the room playing over those delicate features. “… on Liberty Avenue, because you wanted someone to _notice_ you.” He nudged his head with Justin's, causing him to expose a side of neck and throat. “An' you happened to do it when Brian was prowling…” He played his nosetip over the bare skin, sending puffs of warm breath along the naked flesh. “Any regrets? It could have been _anyone_ passing you by… not Brian.”

“Uh… I don’t know.” Justin looked at Ben from the side of his eyes. His hands were in a death gripon the arm of the chair. “I’m still considering my options.”

“You’re not confident Brian sees a, uh…” It was erotically strange to be talking about another man while being with Justin. Feeling jealousy, but actually being the one man in his presence… in control. Ben knew he could do anything to Justin and he would allow it. “… ‘forever’ with you.”

“The only one I see him staying by is Michael.” Justin realized too late what he’d said. He hung his head in shame, but felt Ben slide cheek to cheek, wanting him to play along. “… sorry. That was rude of me.”

“Yeah, but… it’s true.” Ben was not feeling as sad about Brian and Michael as he normally did, only a bit annoyed. “So then… why do you stick around, if you already have some idea it won’t last?” He lifted one hand, his right, to clamp around the chin, get Justin to look directly at him. Also, to allow access to touch his face. “What’s in it for Justin?”

“Because…” Justin’s eyes dropped to Ben’s lips, mere inches away. He shut his lids to the forceful feel of the grip on his chin and jaw. “… what if it _does_?”

“Whoa… that’s ballsy.” Ben actually chuckled lightly, shaking his head in awe. “You think one day Brian’s just gonna have this huge epiphany… come running to you, declaring his love on bended knee and slip a ring on your finger?” He said all of these words while touching Justin’s face.

Justin pulled backward, just slightly. “Oh… hell no… not all that, but I do hope, _you know_ , that maybe he’ll see me _differently._ ”

“When? Tomorrow?” Ben slapped his hands together, dangling them between his knees. “Or, uhm… 10yrs from now?”

“ _10 yrs?!? Sheesh…_ ” Justin turned to look away, not even fathoming he and Brian lasting that long. It was a fantasy he knew could never come true.

“Okay… make it 5…” Ben held out five open fingers in mid-air.

Justin sat back in the chair, pulling his body completely inward. “Are you _angry_ with me?” He kept his eyes lowered, as if he was being punished for being bad.

“No… not _**you**_.” Ben reached out to clamp a hand around Justin’s wrist. “ _ **Myself**_.”

“ _Oh? Why?_ ”

Ben smiled, not so innocently, then let go of Justin’s arm, sitting back in his chair. “None of your business.”

“Hmm… there’s a lot of that going around tonight.” Justin rolled his eyes, sitting back like Ben was doing this minute, in his own seat.

“Shut up… the show’s about to start.”

“Are you sure I can’t have something stronger than a _virgin_ strawberry daiquiri?”

“If I let you drink… who will drive me home…?”

“Jerk…”

“Ssshhh… the lights are low… be quiet…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

They didn’t stay long at Chesterfield’s, only because… there really was no point. Neither man was “getting off” with the company they were keeping. It was only the girls who seemed to be having a good time. At one point, during the late night, Ben caught Justin’s eye and _knew_ it was time to leave. They’d worn out their welcome and a better group of clientèle -- _the type that enjoyed these girls more_ \-- were on their way in.

Ben unlocked his apartment door, flipping on the light switch and flourishing his arm to show Justin he was more than welcome to come inside. “You thirsty?”

“Uhm… water would be nice. I had so many virgin strawberry daiquiris… I think I AM a strawberry.” Justin wandered in, slipping out of his jacket and toeing off his sneakers as he made his way over to Ben’s extremely comfortable couch. He plopped down over the arm rest and slid upward, crossing his arms over his flat belly. “ _That_ … was the most fun I’ve had… _**ever**_ …”

“ _Really?_ You enjoyed yourself?” Ben seemed shocked, only because anybody else -- _compared to Brian Kinney_ \-- would come up short.

“It was more of a field trip, wasn’t it, Professor Bruckner?”

“Uhh… guilty as charged.” Ben chuckled deeply. “Plus, I haven’t seen those friends in a few months. I wanted you to know that there’s so much out there to explore and see. Don’t close yourself off to _one_ arena.” He hung over the couch, sending down a bottled water. He ruffled Justin’s hair. “Samira and that younger girl… uhm, what was her name--?”

“Lilac…” Justin sniffed his t-shirt. “Apt name. She smelled just like ’em.”

Ben snickered in the kitchen. “Oh, no… I think you might’ve taken a sip or two of the girls’ drinks, Mr. Taylor.”

Justin stretched his arm up and out, high above the couch, then tried to touch the tip of his nose. “Christ… this is more difficult than I thought.”

“You’re adorable when you’re wasted.” As Ben came around the couch, he reached out to help direct Justin to find his nose. “Let’s try not to do that too often.”

“Why not? It’s more fun when you're sloshed.”

“No. No, it isn’t.”

Justin fell back on the cushions. “No… _jesus_ … I don’ mean _that_ kinda fun. I just mean in-hih-bi-shuns're erased and… _I dunno_ … some people seem more themself's than--” His mouth remained open as he stared up at the shadowed ceiling. “… _damn_ … I forgot my point that quickly.”

Ben slid off the arm of the couch and picked up the remote control. He turned on the TV and plopped down on the corner of the cushions. The top of Justin’s head brushed his bunched thigh. He rested the remote on Justin’s chest. “Come on… let’s watch something… uh… least likely to make us fall asleep. You need to get sober for the drive home. I’m sure Brian will kill me if you--”

“Bri’n doesn’ care.” Justin rolled over, facing the back cushions, arms tucked into his body as he squished himself into the couch's shape. The remote rolled the opposite way, then fell off the couch.

Ben tried to be quick to catch the falling object, but he was staring too hard at Justin, doing exactly what he didn’t want to happen. Last thing he wanted was Justin sleeping on his couch, in his apartment. Not if Ben still had any chance of fixing things with Michael. “Justin, _don’t…_ ” He only reached out to brush back a few wayward locks of blond hair, but the strands felt so silky to touch, looking quite striking against his own lightly tanned skin. Ben grew a bit fascinated by the texture. He shifted further to sit down on the cushions, keeping the one leg bent, the right, while his left foot was planted flat to the floor.

Justin moaned in his sleepiness, shuffling about and scooting around until he found himself a nice resting place on Ben’s calf. He reached up to latch onto the kneecap. “Mmm… jus’ lemme close my eyes for a few minutes. I’ll be outta your hair an’ you can go beddy-bye after I go.”

Ben softly snickered, taking a sip of his beer, then started to comb his fingers through Justin’s hair, absently. It was a nice, cozy feeling, with the TV playing low and the warmth of a body laying nearby. He could almost trick his mind into thinking Justin was Michael’s age, maybe slightly older than his eighteen-n-a-half years. Just so there would be no judgmental looks or ridicule. Ben had always wanted an equal to his mind, an intellectual who could match him. Justin was very close to perfect, but there was still a lot for him to learn. Best thing about Justin was his willingness _to_ learn and a quick witty mind that absorbed tons of information. _Worst thing?_ Was this “thing” about him -- that cocky assured-ness that didn’t fit Justin, like he did know everything or was more experienced than people thought. Everything of that characteristic was owed to Kinney.

Justin managed to sit upright, cleared his throat and opened his water bottle to take a sip of the cool liquid. “I’d ask for coffee, but… I’m having _enough_ trouble sleeping.”

“ _Still?_ ” Ben knew of Justin’s sleepless nights of late, wondering if the bashing injuries were coming back to haunt Justin.

Justin shrugged, shaking his head as he resettled back on Ben’s lap. He reached up to put Ben’s hand back on his head, to sift through his hair again. “I’m -- I dunno. I’d chalk it up to stress, but maybe I _do_ need to go back to my neurologist.”

“Justin… this isn’t something to mess around with.” Ben massaged the exposed shoulder joint, then ran his hand down the left arm, soothing the joints and muscles. “Any spasms in your hand or anything?”

“No…” Justin shook his head against Ben’s clothes, reaching up to pick at the material. He flipped over onto this back. “I’m kind of scared.” He hesitated as he spoke, because no one knew of these fears he had. “I don’t wanna have to do rehab all over again or… _god forbid_ , stick with some torturous physical therapist who’s only gonna wake me up at some ungodly hour of the morning and train me non-stop for 3-4 hours.”

“I know some great people who’ll be gentle with you. They seem like hardcore trainers, but they know the circumstances you’ve been in.” Ben wanted to keep brushing his fingers through Justin’s hair, but he simply settled them on the broad shoulders. “I can see about getting you an appointment with one of them, if you’re interested. Maybe what you need is _physical activity_.” He already knew it was the wrong words to say to a young man of Justin’s virility. “… not _that_ kind of physical activity.” They shared a little bit of playful shoving and snickering. “You should get back into exercising. You can join me in the mornings, during my workouts.”

Justin pretended like he was some mean-ass bodybuilder, “posing” while he was laying down. “ _… work on my legs and my quads, duuude… grrrrr…_ ”

Ben huffed out, folding his bulky arms over his billowing chest. “My friends and I **DO NOT** sound like that.” He actually did get a chuckle out of Justin’s mimicry of his workout friends.

“… hehehe…” Justin reached up to pat Ben’s chiseled cheek. “You’re so adorable when you blush.” He kept teasing Ben, making it seem like he was going pinch or swat at his face, then both of Ben’s hands came down to hold his shoulders to the cushions, unable to raise his arm high. “You might not sound like that, but… _some_ of them do.” He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, shaking his head.

Ben glanced down at Justin, upside down. “ _What?_ _What_ were you gonna say?”

“Nothing. I jus’…” Justin looked at Ben upside down. “… how well do you know those guys?”

“I know a few from before, when I used to workout. The others I’ve met at the gym and some at my HIV Poz support groups-- _why?_ ”

“I didn’t want to say anything, but…” Justin averted his head and eyes, feeling a bit ashamed. He knew he was promiscuous, but when he wasn’t interested it never failed to make him feel he couldn’t catch a break when guys were adamant about hitting on him.

“Is it why you’re not so gung-ho on taking my advice on who to personal train with?” Ben hands began to pet the upper biceps, sliding up along Justin’s neck into his hair.

“Partly.” Justin heavily sighed, turning his head away to look off in the distance.

“Justin… don’t clam up on me now.” Ben sat up further, able to stared directly down into Justin’s face. “You know you can tell me _any_ thing.”

Justin closed his eyes and sat upright, away from Ben. “Yeah, I know. But you’ve known these guys longer than you have me. I have no right subjecting you to my opinion of people you actually like, and hang around with.” Which was weird for Justin to say, since he had done exactly _**that**_ to Brian, with Michael.

“That’s just it. A majority of them I only see at the gym. I could give two shits about them. What happened?” Ben slid over, his arm along the back of the couch. “Did something happen with one of them when you came with me to the gym?”

“Yeah…” Justin slowly nodded his head, kind of scared when he saw the fury rise in Ben. But then it was quickly dissipating, once Ben slid closer on the couch.

Ben’s arm came around Justin’s shoulders. “Come on…” He pulled Justin under his arm, near to his side. “… tell me…”

Justin twisted his head around to look directly at Ben. “I waited, I swear I did. Because I knew one of them liked me.” His hand came out to grip Ben’s shirt fabric. “I’d already rejected him, but… I don’t think he took that as the final answer. So he--” Now he was softly petting the shirt over Ben’s rapidly beating heart. “He cornered me in the shower…”

“ _… shit…_ ” Ben rubbed Justin’s shoulder joint, then sloped over his hunched back. “Did he touch you?” He brought his other arm over, swinging the limb around to latch onto Justin’s right knee. “Or did he try to do anything to you?”

“He--he just really scared me, is all.” Justin remembered that instant feeling of fear… _shock_ … of not knowing what to do or what the other man would do. “I had no where to go an' I didn’t want to call attention to us, if I could handle the situation on my own.” There had been other men in the showers too, but none of them had been paying attention. It was as if they knew of the man’s reputation or maybe they knew Justin’s, because of seeing him with Brian.

Ben leaned over to press his lips and cheek against Justin’s hair. “I wish you woulda told me right after it happened.” Justin didn’t mention names, but Ben knew who had continued to question him about Justin out, even when he warned them off. “I could’ve done something.”

“And make him that much more pissed off?” Justin shook his head wildly in disagreement. “No, thank you.”

Ben sat back on the cushions, pulling Justin with him, so their bodies curdled into one another. “Well, you don’t have to fear the gym anymore, if he’s there. I’ll take care of this.” The way he should have before it had gotten out of hand.

Justin tilted his head back to look up at Ben. “You’d really do that… for me?” He knew Brian would’ve done the same thing for him, but then he would've had to have explained why he had been working out beside Ben. And it really wasn’t Brian’s fight to battle.

“Yeah.” Ben sniffled out a snicker. “Why’s that so shocking to you?”

“Mmm… no reason.” Justin tucked his left arm to his chest, turning a bit to throw his right arm around Ben’s frame. “This is nice.” He soothed his right hand up and down Ben’s torso. “You gonna be up for a little while?”

“Yeah… I think so.” Ben brushed Justin’s long bangs back from his forehead, watching the lids droop. He recalled what Justin had talked about, not being able to sleep some nights. “Go ahead and sleep, if you need to. I’d rather you be sober and awake before you go.”

“I don’t _have_ to go.” Justin spoke softly as he shut his lids, holding tight.

“Justin…” Ben deeply sighed, wishing Justin would stop tempting him. He knew how easy it would be to succumb, but Ben already knew the consequences weren’t worth it unless Justin knew _what_ he wanted, and from whom. “… let’s not do this now, huh?”

“Okay. Whatever you want, I’ll do.” Justin huddled into Ben’s chest. “Wake me up in an hour or so.” The fingers of his right hand clutched at Ben’s shirt.

Ben didn’t realize how sleepy he was becoming until Justin was deeply under, hot puffs of breath filtering over his bare skin and down his chest. He rested his right cheek on the top of the soft blond head and his lids drifted closed.

They were out for no more than two hours in length, having walked in the door at exactly midnight…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

When Ben woke up, Justin was just walking toward him, from the direction of his left side. “How long have you been awake?” He weakly plopped his head back down on the cushions, soothing his hands up and down his thighs as he yawned and stretched.

“Not long. I got the munchies.” Justin moved around to stand in front of Ben, watching him touch his legs and stretch the stiffness out. He had to admit… he was becoming attracted to Ben. He wondered if Ben felt the same. Just like with Brian, Justin was compelled to take a chance, see if anything more would happen. He climbed on top of Ben to straddle him, knees planted on either side of wide hips. He marveled at how Ben’s hands automatically came out to settle on the dip of his lower back, shaping over his ample backside. Justin wanted to thrust backward, pull his shirt up a bit to have Ben send his hands and nimble fingers down to explore over the pliable skin. The thought alone made him rub his groin against Ben’s stomach. He latched onto the back of the couch, dipping his head forward, bangs skimming Ben’s face, then nosetip and finally lips barely open

 __

 _Oh, gawd… that felt… reeeaaaly nice…_

“ _Wha-?_ What _are_ you doing?” Ben was able to blink his eyes open, laying stiff under Justin. He moved his hands to lay stretched out from his sides, not touching a single body part moving above him.

“I dunno. I’m thinkin’ about the club.” Justin brought up a hand to brush under Ben’s chin, getting him to turn his head in his direction. “The way you let those, uhm… girls have free reign over you. You didn’t move one muscle… well, from what **I** could see and then… you let them climax above you, like… in a billion pieces. An' you _still_ did nothing.” He soothed his cheek against Ben’s. “I wondered if you’d react the same, say… if **I** were to do something like what they were doing to you.” He trailed his lips along the hairline, coming to the top of the head.

“Justin… this isn’t…”

“I know, I know… you don’t like it when I do this with you, but… we’ve been talking for a few weeks now. I feel us growing closer. I know you feel the same.” Justin sagged his body a little, coming out to grip the sides of Ben’s neck, thumbs under his chin. “You…” He shook his head in disbelief. “… you’re way too nice for your own good. To me, especially. I don’t know why you’re trying to behave. Well, I _do_ know why, since you’re dating Michael, but…” He started to increase his breathing, feeling his body rise in desire and want. “I really, _really_ like you. Call me curious…” He buried Ben’s face in his neck and collar, could feel the brush of blond silk on his skin, the warm breath over the exposed flesh and he could sense Ben’s body properly reacting to him being on top. _Just like with Brian._ But _unlike_ Brian… Ben didn’t follow through, out of care and deep respect for Justin.

“Mmm…” Ben leaned his head backward, wishing he could easily given in, without feeling guilt. “… there are some things better left unknown.”

Justin let his hands crawl down Ben’s chest, liking the feel of the steady, yet quickening heart beat, the warm skin burning underneath the thin shirt. “I jus’… _christ_ … _after all your kindness to me_ … ‘thank you’ seems so fuckin’ empty.” At his age, no one expected much from him. With Ben, things were off-the-charts different. He didn’t know any other way to give back to Ben, all that he had shown and given him.

Ben leaned his head to the side, blue eyes connecting with blue. “Who fuckin’ taught you how to be _this_ way?”

“ _What_ _ **way**_ _?_ ” Justin smirked, not sure what Ben was asking him.

Ben knew Justin might fly off the handle shortly; he kept a good grip on the body above him. “Giving yourself up for some kind of payment.”

Justin fidgeted, about ready to jump off, but Ben was too quick and caught him, holding his backside in two palms. “ _I’m_ _ **not**_ _a whore._ ” He felt his bottom lip pout, slightly.

“Whoa! Never said you were.” Ben stopped talking when he realized how close their faces were, how near their bodies were becoming. “Don’t put words in my mouth.” His eyes dropped to Justin’s open moist lips, the way they were beginning to slyly grin.

“I could put _something else_ in your mouth, if you want.”

The comment was crass, _so like Brian Kinney._ It instantly turned Ben off. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you have some insane idea that… _**this**_ …” He let his gaze roam up and down Justin’s body. “… will work for you?”

“ _What?_ ” Justin stopped moving, then plopped down to sit on Ben’s lap.

“ _Seducing me._ To get me to like and enjoy being with you.”

“Why the fuck else would you like having me around?” Justin didn’t like how his tone sounded to his own ears, like he was somewhat immature and bratty.

“Uhm… call me crazy, but when you give yourself half a chance, I actually don’t mind our conversations.” Ben soothed Justin’s sides, then softly swatted at his bottom. “Straddling my thighs an’ undressing yourself for my pleasure isn’t going to change my mind, either way.”

Justin stared in utter shock. “You’re _serious_?”

“Yes. Look…” Ben actually spread his thighs wider, fitting Justin perfectly onto his lap. “… my health doesn’t afford me the rights to that old lifestyle that brought me here in the first place.”

“ _Oh! Christ!_ ” Justin smacked both hands on the sides of his face, then slid them to cover his shameful features. “… _shit_ … I know this sounds lame…” He dropped his hands, laying them flat on Ben’s chest. “… I forgot about your--” He never liked mentioning **it** , or acknowledging **it** was real. The closer he became with Ben the more fearful he was _for_ Ben, in the light of his sickness and suffering. Justin was beginning to care whether Ben lived or died. He bunched fists in the air, beside Ben’s head. “… _god, you’re just so_ …” He wanted to tell Ben how gorgeous and sexy he always was, looking more alive than close to his deathbed. It seem like the right kind of compliment to be handing out. Instead, Justin made a growling noise under his throat, while watching Ben chuckle at his incoherency.

Ben understood what Justin was attempting to say. A lot of men rejected him on sight because of that fact. “… _**you**_ … are way too young for me, anyway. An’ frankly, I don’t do ‘casual’ fuck-buddy relationships. like I used to.”

“Oh… _wow_ …” Justin sat up higher, moving to rest his wrists on Ben’s shoulders, hands coming around to cup the sides of the neck. “You want, like, a real boyfriend, huh? Even though--”

“… _I might die_ …” Ben filled in the blanks for Justin.

“No…” Justin waved his hand in the air. “Sorry. That was rude of me.” Now he situated himself to wrap his arms about Ben’s shoulder, dangling hands and fingers down his back. “Just because you’re sick doesn’t erase your right to living, completely and whole-ly. Of course you’d want someone to commit to, so you make sure you don’t die alone.” He sculpted Ben’s face with his fingers, touching little interesting spots he hadn't bothered to notice before, not this close. He bent to kiss the cheek, under each eye, then rubbed against the strong jaw. “… _that_ … is so sweet an’ sexy, at the same time.” He smiled against the warm skin, catching the darkening of Ben’s blue eyes, to almost a silvery navy blue.

“ _You…_ ” Ben closed his eyes, wishing he could give in and take Justin’s offer. “ _… have no idea…_ ” It was strange to know Justin had learned a few things about his sexuality, but in other ways he was still so naive and innocent. The fact that he was insecure about his looks threw Ben for a loop.

“Would you _teach_ me?” Justin leaned his forehead against Ben’s, the high arch of the brow, at the hairline.

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Ben let out a stifled chuckle, watching Justin’s lower body move.

“About your life? Outside the classroom? What makes… Benjamin--” Justin backed away, looking down into Ben’s startling blue eyes. “… _you have a middle name?_ ”

“ _Crispin._ ” Ben blurted out, biting the inside of his cheek.

“ _Really?_ ” Justin actually loved that name. It sounded cool and awesome.

“Yeah, really.” Ben laughed, nodding his head. “It’s my mother’s maiden name.”

“Oh-kay… _Benjamin Crispin Bruckner_ … what makes you tick?” Justin pretended like he was grabbing jacket lapels when he grabbed portions of Ben’s shirt. “Rattles your cages?”

Ben softly snickered, knowing _this_ … was the Justin he liked. The one who didn’t cower or try to sell his body, like that was all he was worth. “Justin…” He let out a tortured groan under his breath.

“… Eugene…”

“Huh?” Ben was distracted by Justin’s movements above him.

“That’s **my** middle name. And if you tell Brian… or Michael…” Justin kept his fingers over the nipple he was about to twist. “… I’ll torture this nipple. Reletnlessly.”

Ben snatched the hand, prepared to give it a solid gentleman’s kiss on the top, but Justin snatched it back.

“Please… I may be young… inexperienced, but I know a hard-on when I feel one.” Justin rubbed his hand and fingers over the bulging crotch. “An’ God…” He closed his eyes in ecstasy, imagining what the cock would look like, and how the thickness would feel pounding into him. “… it feels sooo good.”

Ben reached up to grip Justin by his elbow joints and set him back. Or just to stop him from moving so much. “It’s not…” He heard his voice crack a little, like he was stuck in puberty. “… it’s not… for you.”

“Huh?” Justin felt instantly crushed. How could this growing erection _**not**_ be for him?

“Wait… don’t be offended.” Ben exhaled hard on a nervous laugh. “That came out wrong.” He allowed his hands to smooth in circles over Justin’s back, along his shoulder blades. “I’m sure there are plenty of men who’d be ready and willing to take what you’ve offered me, but I’m not one of them…”

“Spare me the ego petting.” Justin closed his eyes and put one foot down on the floor. “I’ll leave before you completely embarrass me.” He was almost standing tall, when Ben dragged him back to sit on the couch, next to him. That was more torture for Justin, because if someone rejected him… _he wanted out_. He didn’t want to talk about feelings or figure out why or what he might’ve done wrong.

“Sit. Don’t run away.” Ben cleared his throat, prepared to not let Justin leave in a huff and upset. “Or stomp off like some bratty child ‘cause you don’t get your way.”

“I’m NOT… a child. I jus’…” Justin averted his head, feeling Ben’s hand on his nape, then the fingers in his hair. “… I know when I’ve crossed a line. Worn out my welcome.”

Ben could tell Justin wasn’t sitting properly on the cushions. “Sit. Down.” He was pulling him down with him as he went to rest along the back of the couch.

Justin lopped down, beside Ben. Their shoulders brushed in movement. “How old are you… _for real_?” He wasn’t sitting fully upright; he was slumped, a little.

“Why?” Ben crossed his left leg over his right knee, tucking a hand between his thighs to cover his hardness. He rested his right arm along the back of the couch, pulling Justin to him, hoping to relax him.

“I dunno. Just checking.” Justin planted the soles of his feet on the coffee table ledge. “You sound like my father sometimes.”

“I’m a few years older than Brian and Michael.” Ben was sure he wasn’t _that_ old.

“… but younger than Ted.” Justin quickly lumped in on a soft snicker.

“Isn’t everyone?”

They both shared a mutual chuckle, leaning their bodies toward one another without thinking.

Justin shook his head of the sexual haze he had just worked himself into. “Sorry. The almost-yelling… raised voices--” He stared ahead of him, toward whatever was on the TV monitor he could barely hear. “I’m not good with that kinda stuff.” He folded his hands over his belly. “Reminds me too much of my childhood.” He knew he didn’t have to go into too much detail with Ben for him to understand.

Ben reached out to brush a few strands back behind Justin’s ear, then rubbed an index finger down the flushed cheek. He remembered Justin mentioned his parents' fights, off and on, in conversation. “Mine too.” He had always managed to let Justin know he was here, if he ever needed to talk.

“I, uh… I don’t have the best… relationship with Brian. An’ he likes to fight with me. Boss me around.” Justin shrugged one shoulder. He didn’t want sympathy; he wanted Ben to know where he was coming from.

“What did you expect? Someone like Kinney was gonna let you walk over him?”

“NO… no…” Justin shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. “… of course not.” The weirdest thing was, even though they both had strained, tragic relationships with their fathers, Justin and Brian never saw eye to eye on certain issues. Justin knew he could never open up as much as he’d done with Ben, with Brian.

“Did you believe, by some magical power of persuasion, he would some day think of you as his ‘equal’?”

“I can hope…” Justin moved his head to the left to gaze at Ben’s face. “… one day…” He smiled, even though his heart ached.

“I can tell you right now, the path you’re on -- the one you’ve built by how you started and continue to keep walking, for yourself -- won’t ever bring you up to his level of expertise. Havin’ sex with the same man , repeatedly, does not count as 'life experience'.”

“I _see_ other people.” Justin wondered when that had begun to sound lame and empty. Not really something to be proud of.

“Yeah, I know. I see you. Around Babylon… Woody’s.” Ben had no idea when it had started to really bother him. Why he felt an instant connection to try and pull Justin back from making the mistakes he was easily being manipulated into. “Picking an’ choosin’ random men to fuck. All to make Brian jealous. That looks really mature and grown up. For _both_ of you.”

“We agreed…” Justin had wanted to sit down one night and tell Ben what he and Brian had actually “agreed” to, arranged as The Rules of their relationship. But just Justin's relationship, and weird connections to Brian, continued to confound and frustrate Ben.

“… _please_ … save me the bullshit excuses. _It is what it is_. End of story.” Ben leaned toward Justin’s ear. “If Brian did love you, the way you want him to, he would have dumped your ass a long time ago.” He gently pushed at Justin’s shoulder joint. “You wouldn’t even be here, trying to get into my pants.”

Justin pushed to sit upright, head averted, then brought it back to look over his shoulder at Ben, eyes down. “Is this _fun_ for you?”

“What?” Ben pushed up slowly from his arm on the back of the couch.

“Taking me down a notch or two?”

“You’ve made yourself an easy target.” Ben scraped the back of his knuckles along Justin’s flushed cheek. “I know plenty of men who could say much worse.” He let that hand comb fingers through the soft blond locks. “I even know men who wouldn’t care about you an’ just take what you offered.”

That sounded too much like what Brian was already doing with Justin. “ _What we have works for us._ I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks.”

“Mmm… doubt that, but whatever gets you through to the next morning.”

“You… are just jealous.” Justin didn’t know where that venom came from; Ben surely didn’t deserve it. The great thing about Ben was… Justin may bite back, but Ben never fed into his little fits of anger.

“ _Shit…_ you think I _want_ what you have?” When Justin turned away, making that disgruntled heavy sigh… Ben undergripped the arm that was near his right thigh. “Honey… there used to be a time in my life when I could run circles around Kinney.” He was speaking directly into Justin’s left ear, watching the face look forward, the long blond lashes blinking slowly as he truly listened to what Ben had to say. “I’ve had what you have an’… _it’s never good_. Don’t deny the sex is great, satisfying, but it’s fuckin’ empty. Fucking and being fucked by more than one guy, or one guy exclusively while you fool around, doesn’t suddenly graduate you to a level of maturity you would normally gain by… uh, I don’t know, _actually_ going out and living your life with no attachments and just interacting with people. Sex isn’t everything.”

“But it’s SOMETHING.” Justin looked down at the floor. “An’… it feels like sex should have more power.”

“That’s because you’re still young.” Ben hated the way Justin refused to look into his face, so he moved to sit on the coffee table, where Justin couldn’t avoid him. “Everything… every feeling and every emotion is extreme for you.” He set his legs so they were on either side of Justin’s knees.

“You’re not yellin’ at me anymore, but you still sound like a parent.”

“Then stop acting like a kid. You said you’re almost 20, right?”

Justin found it cute that Ben tried to advance him one year. “Almost 19… but… in a way, yeah…”

“Then fuckin’ BE it! You’re in fuckin' college. Do you know how many people don’t get to do this? So do it! Have that experience. Hang out with friends. Go to crappy hetero-parties. Or find the gay ones. DO SOMETHING with your life while you’re still young. You shouldn’t be tied down in some pseudo-committed relationship, when you’ve barely allowed yourself to breathe.”

“ _Gosh…_ ” Justin knew all of that, but he felt too much that it would feel like “work” or hard effort and he wouldn’t get much out of the opportunity. Shouldn’t things just flow naturally, if they were meant to be? When someone like Ben was talking to him about the same things everyone else did, somehow it sounded more grounded in truth. “What is **it**?”

“ _What?_ ”

“What is it Michael has that makes you guys want him so much? It’s like you bow down at his feet or something. He sneezes and the whole world hands him a tissue.”

Ben chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Have you met Michael? I mean… really sat down and gotten to know him?”

“Mmm… yeah. Not impressed.”

“Have you been alone with Michael without thinking about Brian in the equation?”

“You mean concerning their close friendship?”

“No, I mean… what you think you have with Brian that can somehow compete with Michael’s bond with Brian. He’s a lifetime ahead of you. You can’t just erase that kind of history, no matter how good your intentions are. Brian doesn’t seem like the person who will release someone that easily, especially if you force his hand.”

“I see what everyone else does. I notice, I’m not blind. But… to me, they _aren’t_ compatible.” Justin spread out his hands from his sides in exasperation. “Why does he keep hanging on? Brian’s never gonna fuck someone who keeps dragging behind him, followin’ his every move.”

Ben snickered, shaking his head. “ _ **… pot meet kettle…**_ ”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.” Ben leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he rubbed at his jaw and chin. “I’d love to give you an answer, Justin. Maybe it’s something you should be asking Brian.” He raised his eyebrows, shaking his head as he slipped into deep thought. “It must give him some kind of secret thrill to be able to control and manipulate a man like Michael and you-- _pitting_ you against each other. Giving one what he doesn’t give the other.”

Justin made a disgusted face, knowing Ben was trying to goad him into reaction. “Why is he even still around? Especially when he has you?” That was the one thing Justin didn't understand about Michael's draw to Brian even with Ben in his life.

“Justin…” Ben lightly cupped Justin’s cheek, thumb playing along the skin. “… I think you’re better off not knowing.”

“But I…”

“Michael’s _**not**_ your problem.” Ben reached down to pat Justin’s thighs. “Going to school and passing your classes should be your top priority.”

“Brian needs to drop him. They just--”

“Keep talkin’.” Ben hefted himself off the coffee table, DONE with this topic. “You’re liable to convince me -- _and yourself_ \-- that it’s _**not**_ that you think Brian _won’t_ fuck Michael… it’ll be that you’ll worry one day he’ll break down and finally _will_. And what’s to become of you once that happens?”

“It _won't_ happen.”

“How?”

“ **I** ’ll prevent it from happening.”

“Justin…” Ben sighed heavily, looking up and off to the side.

“Hey, when did you suddenly become PRO-Brian?” Justin stood up, walking around the couch to trail behind Ben. “I thought I’d find a little solidarity here. I want Brian. An' you -- you have Michael.”

Ben turned around from walking into the kitchen, through the second entrance. “I don’t force people, unless the emotion is there. That’s not being real or honest. I don’t have time to waste on an empty feeling.”

“Can I--?” Justin cleared his clogged throat, jumping in on changing the subject. “Is it possible, _tomorrow_ … that you'll let me sit in on one of your classes?” He tucked his thumbs in the back pocket of his pants, rolling on the balls of his feet with enthusiasm.

“Why in the hell would you want to do that?” Ben was confused now. Justin had done nothing but talk up how he deserved Brian and Ben had Michael… now Justin wanted to be with him, on the sly.

“Because… I like _this_ …” Justin gestured between he and Ben’s chests, approaching him. “What we’re doing right now. I like your mind. An’… I’m trying to make an effort, like you said, to get the whole college experience, while I can.”

“You better not be cuttin’ classes for me.” Ben tapped his finger on Justin’s upper chest. “I find out… I will personally kick your ass out of my classroom.”

“On my honor…” Justin made some kind of cross/honor thing over his body. “… I swear.”

“I can let you sit with my Teaching Assistant…”

Instantly, Justin was on that information. “Is he cute?”

“Justin…” Ben leaned on the doorway molding into the kitchen.

Justin was growing to like the way Ben extended his name, when he was annoyed with him. It sounded genuine… _and tender_. “What am I sayin’?! Of course he’s cute? He’s probably fuckin’ adorable. What’s his name?”

“Holden. Holden Tucker.”

“ _Of course_ it is. Perfect.”

“I’m not allowing you into my class, so you can ‘hit on’ my students OR… my TAs…”

“You have more than one?”

“The other’s a young woman an’… she’s already got a girlfriend.”

“Pick a day. Give me a call. I’ll swing by when I’m free.” Justin put up a hand to make a few suggestions. “But make it on an interesting topic… an’ preferably when that Tucker guy’s with you.”

“An’ won’t you be pissed off when I do just the opposite.” Ben quickly spun about to walk into the kitchen, finally, while Justin followed him in, _very_ close behind.

Justin attempted to tickle, then started pinching Ben’s sides as he tried to be all uppity and wander off with his nose in the air. “ _… you wouldn’t dare…_ ” He loved watching Ben’s swift, hurried movements of evading his touch, then marveled when Ben purposefully gave in and Justin accidentally slammed Ben against the fridge door. Ben made a grunt, hurt sound… and both of them were shocked by the way the moment felt… _interesting and thrilling_. They were both breathing a little heavy, as if over-exerted or horny for each other, they couldn’t decide. Then Ben sent out a disarming smile… and Justin crumbled, standing on tip toes to hug Ben around the neck.

“I know this seems shitty… or stupid, but… _thank you_. Despite the constant rejections.” Justin pressed lips to warm neck, inhaling. He was almost willing to sink in completely, but he held back. Ben was one of the “good guys”. Justin hoped Michael knew what a special man he had in his grasp.

Ben kept his hands cupped around Justin’s hips. “ _… you’re welcome…_ ” He strangled out, only because he was a bit unsteady from what Justin was making him feel. He never knew he’d been this attracted, so quickly.

They pulled away, locking blue eyes; one light like the sky, the other dark like a stormy sea.

Justin reached up to cup the sides of Ben’s head, then planted a hard, solid kiss on slightly open lips. He started to frown when he felt one of Ben’s arms slink along his back, almost sliding down over his ass. He could feel reciprocation of pressure, but he drew away, leaning his forehead on Ben’s cheek. “Sorry… I just felt--I felt like doing that.” He wiped a thumb below Ben’s bottom lip. “Nothing meant by it.”

“It’s fine… it’s okay.” Ben’s hand moved up, instead of down, along Justin’s back. He guided Justin toward the small front foyer, helping him gather his personal things, in order to leave. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He held out Justin’s jacket as he watched him put on his shoes.

“Cool… good…” Justin didn’t feel like leaving, which was weird – _to_ _want to be with someone who wasn’t Brian_. He let Ben dress him in his warm coat, ready to go back out into the cold. “ _… bye…_ ”

“… g’night, Justin. Sleep well.” Felt odd, just to pat Justin on the back, between the shoulder blades.

“Thanks. Night.” Justin stepped out into the hall as the door closed behind him. He waited to hear the locks being thrown, but they weren’t. It was almost Justin’s way of knowing he had the option of returning, if he wanted. He did, but he was too spooked to take the quiet offer, so he slowly walked away and out of the apartment complex.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Ben stood still on the opposite side of the door, closing his eyes at how easily he could’ve succumbed to Justin. It had been way too long since he had let another man touch him, since Michael and him had been having their difficulties. He didn’t need mens' hang-ups to cause him to forget his own.

Plus, he still had some faith in building a substantial connection with Michael, even though he’d been put in a semi-time-out corner. He put a hand over his heart, calming himself to a functional level. The Old Ben Bruckner would’ve taken the offer Justin gave, quite easily. Thinking nothing about feelings or consequences. He couldn’t do that anymore, not with the state of his health and mind-set.

After awhile, he finally did turn the locks and traipsed off to his bedroom. He thought about a shower, but an idea struck him quite strongly. Not wanting to loose the moment, he went to find his supply of yellow legal pads and Ticonderoga #2 pencils.

 

 **~~TBC...**


	3. Chapter 3

  
In one week, Justin had shown up to more than five of Ben’s classes. He could say it was because he actually was beginning to like the subject matter, but it hadn’t started that way. Justin was a natural flirt and it didn’t matter to him whether guys checking him out were gay or straight. A blowjob was a blowjob… and reciprocating was only another way of getting the instant attraction out of his system. 

Ben’s Teaching Assistant, Holden, was another strong draw. A difficult nut to crack, because he appeared to be straight, but he was an openly gay student. He didn’t prance about campus, shouting it to the Heavens. He almost reminded Justin of a younger Ben, which made Holden that much more attractive and accessible. Since Ben wasn’t interested, Justin thought the next best thing was preferable.

It was odd. Ben was causing Justin to become more sociable. He invited Justin to go with him or he’d tell Justin about some student get-together off campus. A few times they’d gone together to Professor and student gatherings, where Ben could watch and make sure Justin was doing alright. Though nervous the first couple of times, Justin weakened, giving in, and found he was enjoying himself with the kids his own age. It reminded him of Daphne. They had grown so distant since graduation; he had been missing her lately. Eventually, he began calling her up, inviting her and her new boyfriend -- _for that month_ \-- out.

Every once-n-awhile, Ben would show his face. Justin saw Holden more sociably and Ben, privately, but never the two together. So when he showed up at a local campus coffee house and spotted Ben and Holden huddled together quite intimately… he knew right then, something was about to change.

 _Was Ben giving up on Michael? Was Michael even aware? Did this mean Brian was honing in on his best friend? Was Michael spending more time with Brian, since he wasn’t with Ben? And why did Justin care so much about the situation?_

He thought his melancholy feelings were about losing a great opportunity with Holden. If he really thought about it, Justin felt hurt over Ben, as if he had been betrayed in some manner. It wasn’t fair to Ben. Justin stopped showing up at Ben’s classes. Only went out with random people to a few get-togethers. Justin basically was at the loft alone, since Brian had left for a week in New York. Woody’s was lame and Babylon was too overwhelming.

Already tired of his own company, one random evening, Justin tried calling Ben’s cell phone, then his home phone, reaching him at neither. He decided to simply stop over at Ben’s apartment, like how he would do with Daphne sometimes. They would either hang out until early morning hours in her dorm or take a ride out to an open-all-night diner/restaurant.

Justin rang the doorbell first… _nothing_. Rang the buzzer a second time and heard a noise, as if someone was coming to the door. After a long minute of waiting, Justin knocked, biting his lips as he placed an ear to the paneling, listening for inner sounds of movement. When he heard nothing again, Justin decided to turn and leave.

As he was almost halfway down the hall, the apartment door creaked open. Someone from inside called out his name.

“ _Justin! Wait!_ ”

Justin turned with a wide smile on his features. “… yeah…?”

“You okay?” Ben furrowed his brow, narrowing his gaze on Justin as he looked him and up-n-down with some concern.

“Dandy. You?”

Ben tucked his hands inside his robe’s pockets, then let his shoulders sag. “C'mon...” He used his head to gesture inside his apartment. “Get in here.” He strolled in, holding the door ajar with his backside.

“I didn't mean to bother you.”

“Nah… you’re not.”

Justin glanced down at Ben’s comfy attire. “Were you in bed?” He was prepared to apologize.

“No. On the couch, but I _did_ fall asleep.” Ben guided Justin in the rest of the way and shut the door. “Can I get you anything? A drink? Something to eat?”

“No. Not right now.” Justin took off his jacket, placing it over a dining chair. “Maybe later.”

“Okay…” Ben walked into the kitchen and leaned on one of the ends of the counter, facing Justin. “Was there something--? You wanna talk?”

“I jus’…” Justin crossed his arms over his chest, catching sight of how tired Ben appeared. He still managed to look damn sexy to him, all sleepy and rumpled. “I haven’t seen you in awhile. I think--I think I missed you.” He shrugged lightly. “Sorry I haven’t been, _you know,_ in class. School’s been kinda doggin’ my ass, lately.”

Ben smirked, eyes alight with humor. “Anything good?”

“No… I…”

Ben’s bedroom door opened and out walked a completely naked Holden, who went right into the kitchen as if nothing were out of the ordinary.

“ _Excuse me._ ” Ben muttered to Justin, directing him to step into the warmth of the living room.

“Of course… yeah… whatever.” Justin watched Ben trail into the kitchen, moving toward Holden. He slapped his hands over his face, wishing he could sink into the floor. He sat on the arm of the couch, waiting.

The voices started off hushed and mumbled, but then the tones raised to a near argumentative level.

Justin decided he should simply say “goodnight” and leave. Ben obviously was preoccupied. He walked around the dinette table to stop at his jacket. “Hey, uh… I’m gonna go, Ben. Sorry for--”

“Justin, no… _don’t_ …” Ben put out his hand in the air, stopping Justin from moving one step more. He then turned to look at Holden. “ _Holden_ was just leavin’…” There wasn't even a question if Ben had any doubts about this decision. It was obvious it wasn't mutual.

Holden gave off a crooked smile, looking as if he was being forced to leave, under duress. “Yeah… gotta go cram for a test.” He gave a side-long glance to Ben. “Plus… I need to start preparing for the week I’ll be sub-ing for Professor Bruckner.” He gave an awkward bow, then exited the kitchen.

Justin hands were tightly gripping the chair rungs. “Ben, I’m--” He felt so embarrassed, needing to apologize, but Ben seemed pretty tickled to see him.

“You hungry enough for soup and a sandwich?” Ben rubbed slowly at his lower jaw, not really willing to explain himself.

“I, uh… yeah.” Justin couldn’t help the smile spreading over his lips, which started the skip to his heart. Apparently, Holden was a _passing_ fancy, nothing permanent. “Sounds… nice. It’s getting colder outside.” He walked around the table, coming toward Ben in the kitchen. “I guess Winter must be on the way.”

“Yup. That’s usually the first sign.” Ben went to a cabinet to pull down a huge can of soup. “C’mere… I’ll make our sandwiches, if you tend the soup.” He set the can on the counter, matching Justin with the task.

“Cool.” Justin nodded his head, wondering where some of the cooking pans were located. “I like cooking.”

“Really?” Ben was a bit stunned, not picturing Justin liking any kind of hard work. He certainly didn’t have much “umph” at his busboy job at the Liberty Diner.

“Yes. Mom let me help her a lot in the kitchen, when I was little.”

“You have _any_ specialties?” Ben reached up to bring down a sauce pot for soups. “ _Any_ thing you enjoy cooking?”

“Pasta. Depending on the noodles.” Justin stretched out his hand for the handheld can opener Ben was giving him. “I like to mess around and make my own sauces.”

“Hmm…” Ben didn’t know why, but he liked knowing that fact. “You’ll have to cook one night. I’d be real interested in seeing what you can come up with to impress me.”

“Ahhh… no pressure, huh?”

Ben chuckled deeply, moving over to the space where the bread was kept. “… hehehe… none whatsoever”

Soon both Ben and Justin looked up, Holden was fully dressed, backpack slung over one shoulder. “Ben--uh--jamin…” He wasn't sure if he should have used such an informal way of talking to his professor, in front of the young man. It was an awkward completion of Ben's name. “I’ll call you later. Good luck with _your_ …” He turned his gaze to look Justin up and down, making a face as if he found him “lacking”. “… uhm, the research.”

Ben nodded his head once, keeping his mind and his hands sticking to the task of making the sandwiches. “Night, Holden.”

“G’night.” Holden nodded once, then spun around to exit swiftly.

“ _… bye…_ ” Justin tried to get the complete sentence out, but the front door slammed shut. “… _wow_ … no tension felt there.”

“Don’t worry.” Ben chuckled softly, finally able to release a huge sigh of relief. “He knows this wasn’t for long. He’ll get over it.”

“So…” Justin leaned his hip on the stove, stirring the pot of soup. “… does this mean you and Michael are really over?”

“Uhm… I dunno.” Ben was pacing back and forth into the fridge. “I’ve called him once or twice in the last two weeks. Hasn’t returned my calls.” He frowned, shaking his head. “With Brian having gone to New York City, I thought for sure Michael would want to get together and talk.”

Justin didn’t know why, but he felt bad for _both_ men. Mostly for Ben, though. Otherwise, he was very, very pleased for himself. “I suppose when he said ‘cool down’, he really meant ‘freezer zone’.”

“I don’t really blame him.” Ben waved his hand through the air, beside his head.

“What?” Justin deeply chuckled, only because Ben looked very… _not-like_ Professor Ben Bruckner. Watching him make sandwiches in that robe, looking at those sexy bare legs covered in dark blond hair was making Justin lick his lips moist.

“ I'll admit...” Ben lifted his eyebrows as he glanced at Justin. “… I’m not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. It doesn’t help with my HIV Poz status. Sometimes it's a bit too much _reality-in-your-face_.” Instead of wasting good ceramic plates, he pulled out a stack of plastic ones from a bottom cabinet. He set a paper towel down first, then rested both sandwiches on them.

“But… if you love someone, wouldn’t you be willing to take _anything_ that comes down the path?” Every so often, Justin would take a sip out of the huge ladle as he stirred the soup. “Conquer all their demons? Help them fight their battles?”

“Hmm…” Ben carried both plates over to the dinette table, moving some of the items off the areas to make room. “… someone’s been watching romantic chick flicks, again.” As he crossed Justin, he soothed an arm along the sloped back, fingers playing over the spine and the small peek of the bottom shirt hem not meeting the jeans.

“Isn’t it _possible_ , though?” Justin watched Ben reach for tall glasses, then as he went back into the fridge to pull out drinks. 

Ben went for the ice cube container, taking out the ice scoop. “ _What?_ ” 

“To find that perfect ‘one’? The one that fits you? A, uh… true love? A--”

“ _… soulmate…_ ” Ben wrinkled his brow in curiosity. “I don’t know. You tell me.” He opened the cans, dual pouring out each drink, watching the carbonation bubble to the tops rather quickly, then he would pour slower to wear down build-up of bubbles.

“Tell you _what_?” Justin reached above the stove to bring down the salt and pepper, then some kind of seasoning salt for extra flavor.

“Is Brian Kinney _your_ ‘perfect fit’?” Ben went to throw both cans, crushed _(_ _ _whoa…__ _by Ben’s_ _ _own__ _hands)_ , into the recycle bin. “Is he… your One Truest Love?” He lifted both glasses in each hand, then walked past Justin again. This time teasing Justin with the bump of a hip to knock him off-kilter.

“Oh, I dunno.” Justin wasn’t expecting it, so he softly snickered. “I _love_ him. I wanna be everything to him, but…”

“You aren’t sure if you’re IT for him.” Ben nodded his head in agreement. “He's had a lifetime of experience before you.” He wandered back over, settling along the counter top across from Justin. “Think you missed an opportunity?”

“I’m not sure _what_ Brian feels. He won’t talk to me about that kind of stuff.” Justin made a face of annoyance. “He laughs at me.”

“What _do_ you want?” Ben stuffed both hands inside his robe’s pockets.

“From Brian?” Justin bit his bottom lip, because Ben’s tug on the robe material opened the lapels a little wider, exposing a completely bare muscled chest.

“Sure, but really…” Ben pushed off the counter, moving to snatch the ladle from Justin’s hands. “… as a whole.” He scooped out a dollop of liquid, tasting the seasonings and he was pleasantly impressed. Maybe five more minutes of heating and the soup would be done. “What do you want from _any_ man you have a relationship with?”

“Love…” Justin closely watched Ben’s motions, from hand moving to ladle out soup to the neck tendons and veins that stretched to take a taste of his creation. “… an’ respect, I guess. Kindness, but that would sort of be like respect.” He hated these on-the-spot- question Ben always asked him. Mainly because he never had a good ready-made answer. Even when he spoke a truth, it still didn't feel like it was a choice he was making. “I don’t really know. I’d be more inclined to give you a physical description than anything else.”

“Thanks, but…” Ben had to lick his lips continually; Justin’s seasonings were quite… delicious. “… I already know what Kinney looks like.” He handed the ladle back to Justin.

“What was he like?” Justin made sure their hands touched, but didn’t make it a big deal as he kept the conversation going. “Back then. Any different?”

“It was one night out of an entire life.” Ben returned to the other side of the kitchen. This time when he leaned on the edge of the counter surface, one hand was tucked under his arm, the other gripped around his thick biceps. “I’m not sure if I could say much that you don’t already know.”

“You could start from our similarities. You and I have had sex with Brian.”

“No.” Ben shook his head in total disagreement.

“Aww… come on.” Justin reached across the distance to playfully poke at Ben’s side, knowing he had some sensitive tickle-spots. “Why not? It’ll be fun. I promise.”

“Mmm… nope.” Ben was even more adamant about refusing. “Sorry. _**Not**_ gonna play that game.”

“You _aren’t_ a little curious?” Justin was shocked, and disappointed. He really wanted to know everything Brian and Ben had done that night. “To find out how good of a time you did, or didn’t, have?” That was just a taunt. He wasn’t too certain his multitude of moments with Brian could _compare_ to Ben’s one night that lasted until early morning light. He wondered if knowing this fact was bothering Michael all that much, because it was disturbing to him.

“Soup’s done.” Ben had to reach above Justin’s head to bring down the dishes. “Pour it into these bowls.” His front skimmed the ample backside.

“Are you…” Justin had already turned down the burner, spinning around to find himself pinned under Ben’s frame. “… dressed under that robe?”

“Would you feel better if I was?” Though Ben had brought the bowls down, his arms were still raised, hands clamped on the lower portion of cabinetry.

“Whatever makes you comfortable.” Justin was tempted to touch… _grab, even_ … but their bodies were too close in proximity. “It’s your apartment.”

“… an’ you’re my guest.” Ben slowly lowered his arms, his hands now clenching on the sides of Justin: one on the warm stove top, the other on the cool counter top ledge. “I don’t want you to feel uneasy.”

“I don’t.” Justin found it difficult to swallow in order to speak. “Brian’s walked ‘round the Loft in less. Although…” _Christ!_ Should he even mention this fact?

“What?” Ben tilted his head in curiosity.

Justin lifted his chin as a quiet tease to Ben. “It usually ended up with him fuckin’ me wherever we happened to be.”

“… mmm… sounds…” Ben lowered his head, looking as if he was diving for Justin’s neck, but he was only grabbing for the sauce pot’s long handle. “… kinky… a bit messy…” He put the ladle in the soup, moving over to the two bowls.

“Yes, dirty and very sexy, too.” Justin couldn’t stand Ben moving away from him and going right to fixing the rest of their meal. He turned into Ben’s side. “I always came harder when we did it in weird places. Especially – standing – like we are now…”

Ben chuckled, thinking Justin figured he could trade his sex stories for Ben’s at the Miami White Party. “I’m not divulging any secrets, Justin. That’s privileged information.”

“We’re only talking…” Justin smirked, chuckling softly into Ben’s ear as he, literally, attached himself to Ben’s side. “… two friends talking…”

Ben shut his lids, trying to deep breathe and calm himself. “… I’m not feeling very ‘friendly’ toward you, right now…”

“Oh?” Justin sent out a hand; first it was his right, concentrating on soothing over Ben’s back and over his tight, muscled backside, then he sent out his left which found a way to slip inside the opening of the robe lapels and smoothing over the packed abs, heading on down to the pelvic bone. “What are you… feeling?”

“You don’t even want to know.” Ben took Justin’s hand out of his robe.

“Maybe I do.” Justin decided to behave, for now. “I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to sex… my own pleasure… coupled with someone else’s…”

“I can’t… I won’t take advantage of you, no matter how much I do want you.”

“You want me?” Justin was stunned by what Ben stated.

“I haven’t seen you in more than a week.” Ben slowly nodded his head, turning to look down into Justin’s face. “I think I actually missed you, too.” He leaned close, like he was actually going to kiss Justin, but he simply paused just at his own breaking point, leaving Justin wondering. “I kept looking up at the chair you sat in… hoping to glance up one time and find you there…” He softly snickered at Justin’s befuddled look. “What? Is that so strange to hear?”

“No, it’s only…” Justin became a little flushed and flustered, almost needing to fan himself.

“It’s different, isn’t it?” Ben could see the confusion settling in on Justin’s face. The cross between wondering if sex would be inevitable, but then wanting that close friendship bond, as well.

“What do you mean?” Justin wrinkled his brow, stepping back a few inches as Ben picked up both bowls and walked toward the table. He trailed behind, having grabbed two large spoons from the utensil drawer.

“This…” Ben dropped one bowl down for Justin, then sat down as he placed his own bowl in front of him. “… you and me.” He gestured between he and Justin’s bodies. “It’s not like it’s been with other men.”

“… Ben…” Justin shook his head as he sat down on his bent right leg, his left foot hitching on the low rungs about the bottom of the dining chair.

“No, see… this is what I’m talking about, Justin.” Ben reached out to tenderly squeeze Justin’s biceps. “Why you shouldn’t exclusively give yourself to one man. Not this early in your life.”

“But…” Justin slowly ate his bowl of soup first, so it wouldn’t grow cold. “I’m not only Brian’s. I go out… a lot…” He couldn’t believe Ben had actually cut the sandwiches in half, making two triangle halves, like how his Mom used to cut them. It made him startle a bit in sweet remembrance. Ben did that a lot for him, making him realize how much he’d pushed into the back of his mind.

“Give me an example.” Ben wanted his soup to cool down, so he was working on his sandwich, finishing up the first half.

“Huh?”

“A day in the life of Justin Taylor.” Ben took the last bite, the brushed his hands over the plate to wipe away crumbs. “Pick one day, this week, and give me an overview. As much detail as you can stomach.”

“Ooo…” Justin made a weird face, not sure there was much to divulge that was interesting. He was really quite boring. “I don’t know if I can do that. Besides school and… going out, I’m not…”

“You think you’re boring?”

“To myself, I am. I’m fairly, uh… average…”

“You’re kiddin’?” Ben took two slurps of his soup, checking for lukewarm temperatures, then went into drinking his soda. “Look at all that’s happened to you already. Look at yourself – a whole person havin’ almost lived 2-decades. Did you ever think that was possible?”

“No, of course not. I certainly never saw myself as closeted before… I was suppressed. Forced into being what people wanted me to be.”

“But you broke through their molds and got what you wanted?”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Justin dipped his chin to chest, not sure what made him look away.

“Justin… what’s wrong?” Ben furrowed his brow in curiosity. Justin always made him stay alert and on his toes. There was never a dull moment for him.

“Huh?”

“I don’t know. You seem… distracted. I’d even say you’re a little scared.” Ben picked up the second slice of his sandwich. “Of what? Me?” He kept his head at a peculiar tilt.

“I’m, uh…” Justin usually found himself feeling this way with Ben, of late. Before it had gone along at a fast pace, making him unaware of what was happening. Now, since they’d been apart awhile, it was all rushing back into him. “… not really used to this… this whole thing…”

“Of what?” Ben reached out and covered a strong hand over Justin’s forearm. “We’re together, we’re only talking. There’s no harm.” The hand moved up and down to soothe. “I’m not trying to hurt you or embarrass you.”

“I know.” Justin nodded his head, a small demure smile building on his face. “I do know this… I’ve just… I’ve never been alone with someone… a man, one who I’ll admit to being attracted to… who wants me, but doesn’t take me.” He managed to lift his head to look over at Ben, not breaking eye contact. “An’… you’re still here, chatting with me. We’re having a normal conversation.”

“Welcome to maturity.” Ben reached out to pretend like he was going to pinch Justin’s cheek, instead it was a simple soft caress. “We’ve been patiently waiting for you.”

“That’s…” Justin managed to chuckle deeply as he shook his head. “… so not funny.”

“Being a child or being childish, only gets you so far.” Ben twisted in his chair, crossing one leg over the other knee, arranging the robe’s material over his naked skin. He was beginning to feel a bit under-dressed. “I’m not saying being an adult is any easier, but it sure beats what could be.”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“What? What could it be?”

“I don’t know.” Ben threw a hand wildly through the air. “One big black void of nothingness…”

“You mean Death?” Justin could never tell if Ben wanted to stay at keeping things light-hearted and funny or to go directly into serious business and talking about real issues.

“Partly. I meant… negativity. A terrible mistake after one bad choice is made…”

Justin reached out to grab his glass and take a long sip of soda. “You think about your own mortality a lot?”

“Yeah…” Ben pulled back one of the lapels of his robe, barely showing off a dark pink nipple, with some light spattering of hair around it. “… I wear it right here. Isn’t it sexy?” He snickered as he watched Justin almost spit out his soda. “Guys can’t get enough of me.”

“God…” Justin dabbed his paper towel at the corners of his eyes. “… I had no idea…”

“What?”

“That you could be this real… this funny…”

“There are plenty of things I don’t show people. Even those closest to me.”

“Like Michael?” Justin hated to keep introducing the subject but the topic was sitting between them, just like Brian was, as well.

“Yeah…” Ben averted his eyes, meaning subject was closed. “… like Michael…”

“Why…” Justin took another bite of his sandwich. “… why do you think you do things like that?”

“I get…” Ben shook his head, his brow frowning at his own actions, sometimes ones he didn’t understand until they’d happened and he possibly had ruined a good thing. “… protective of those I love. I even protect them from myself.”

“Wow… you ‘loved’ Michael?” Justin saw Ben’s look of mentioning Michael’s name. “… sorry… force of habit. Usually ends in me and Brian battling it out, then we fuck an’…” He smiled with such a sarcastic tone to his words. “… everything is alright.”

“It’s an illusion, Justin.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s to make you think everything is fine and dandy.”

“The sex is good. Great… sometimes.” Which was very true. Brian had that going for him, able to distract a lot of his life with sex.

“And other times?”

“I dunno. I, uh…” Justin rubbed at one eye, feeling exhaustion begin to settle in. “… haven’t really taken the time to analyze every fuckin’ second I’m with Brian. I’m…”

“… too blinded by his beauty?… captivated by how much he loves an’ adores you once you’ve both cum… an’ you snuggle like two bugs in a rug…?”

“Christ… an’ you say you’re a writer?!” Justin dodged Ben’s attempt to swat him. “Ooo… eat your green leafy veggies, Old Man.” He loved teasing Ben… who looked obviously like he could break boards with his head or… crush two soda cans in his bare hands… making him seem like a weakling or older than he looked.

“Touche, Taylor… too-shay.” Ben pushed his dishes away. “Feel like some ice cream?”

“You have ice cream?” Justin covered his mouth. “Gosh… I said that out loud, huh? Look it’s just…” Ben was certainly perplexing him to no end tonight. “… doesn’t dairy make you bloat… an’ the mucus-y shit… or whatever…”

“Two scoops, is all.” Ben held up two fingers, like a “peace” sign. “I’m not gonna sit on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.”

“Can we?” Justin motioned with his hand toward the living room.

“What? You’re getting picky about my taste in ice cream?”

“No… can we sit on the couch an’ eat this stuff?” Justin shrugged one shoulder, lowering his gaze. “I understand if you don’t wanna ruin the furniture. It’s just…”

“Just- _what_?”

“Every Friday and Saturday night… we’d sit down as a family and pig out… watchin’ movies or something on TV we all liked…”

“How long since?” Ben could hear the longing in Justin’s voice, of wanting those times, those years to rewind and come back to him.

“Too long.” Justin blinked slowly, shaking his head at the instant shock of a “good” family memory, instead of the usually terrible one.

“Sure.” Ben began collecting their dirty dishes and trash. “Let’s do it.” He carried everything to the sink, setting them on the stainless steel surface. “Lemme go change into something more, uhm… decent…”

“… wait…” Justin had quickly gotten up, accidentally bumping his front to Ben’s backside.

“… huh?” Ben hadn’t expected Justin to be right on his tail. The kitchen was way too small for both of them… sometimes.

“… can I…?” Justin reached out to pluck the robe tie undone, watching as the material fell open, revealing the pair of skin-tight Joe Boxer undershorts Ben was wearing. “... damn…” He shook his head in mock sadness.

Ben softly chuckled. “Sorry to disappoint.” He started to breathe slightly erratically, wanting those fingers over his bare skin.

“No… I’m sorry.” Justin moved closer to re-tie the robe closed. “You’ve been nothing but nice… kind and such a gentleman to me, despite everything. And I just keep reducing this to something sexual.”

“It’s really okay.” Ben watched Justin tend to dressing him, how often he touched him… and how long he remained close. “It’s supposed to happen this way.” He bent to whisper in an ear. “Believe me, I went through this myself.” He covered Justin’s hands, pulling them off his body, but keeping them in his grip. “You’re a good man, Justin. Who has the potential to be great. I wish you could see that in yourself.”

“Can I… uhm…” Justin just felt his whole body go on fire, never realizing he was burning this hot on the inside until this moment. “… use your bathroom…?”

“Sure.” Ben gestured with the sweep of his head, toward the second bathroom in the apartment. “You know where it is.”

“Yup! Thanks, Ben…” Justin sped off.

Ben took his time, walking toward his bedroom. He was glad Justin hadn’t looked close enough, seeing the wet spot of leaking pre-cum. He entered the room, throwing off his robe and approaching his nightstand. He snatched up a condom packet and paced into the master bedroom’s bathroom. He peeled down his briefs, then opened the wrapper to sheath his growing cock.

Underwear at his ankles, knees spread open… Ben sat down on the closed toilet lid and proceeded to stroke himself until he hit a relaxing orgasm. He conjured up an image of a nice young ass, right at cock level. The young man was bent over, hole puckered open and waiting… Ben would reach out with his thumb pad and rub at the skin… causing the young man to jerk his own cock in tandem and cum just as the thumb disappeared inside the rectum…

When the face turned to look over his shoulder… it should’ve been Holden… but it turned out to be Justin… and Ben shot his load into the condom tip, his body spasming at the potency of the orgasm he released…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

He turned on the faucet to distract from the sounds…

Justin had done quick work of his jeans and underwear, pushing them down to mid-thigh. He raised the toilet lid and seat, jerking on his erection. He leaned forward to grab the back tank, offering out his bottom, ass cheeks spread wide… feeling the presence of a larger man behind him, taking him… at first, fiddling with his puckered skin… then trying to gain entrance with thick, blunt fingers… and lastly, his hot pulsating length… everything belonging to Ben…

He spurted against the underside of the lid and some fell into the water bowl… he had climaxed to a vision that hadn’t included Brian, which was a near impossibility… but Ben had looked too damn edible in that open robe with tight boxer shorts… that impressive bulge still embedded in his mind…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Ben strolled out of the bedroom, sweatpants and a gray thermal undershirt on. He was pulling the sleeves to his elbows. He caught sight of Justin on the couch. There were two bowls of ice cream with spoons and a cup of coffee for Ben, with cream and sugar. “… wow… you, uh…”

“I found the coffee grinds. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No… oh, no. I don’t. This… is great. I would’ve…” Ben plopped down beside Justin. Their knees and elbows bumping. He actually shivered from the contact, still having the fantasy of Justin naked and bent over in his head. “I… well, I haven’t watched many movies off this cable box.” He pointed to the TV guide booklet Justin had been perusing. “Anything on pay-per-view?”

“There’s always porn.” Justin said it on a whim, to test Ben’s reaction. He wasn’t really in the mood.

“Uhm, no thank you. Not for ten bucks a shot. I can go along any alleyway and see that shit for free.”

“Damn… shot down in a blaze of glory.” Justin shook his head in mock sadness. He wasn’t prepared to watch any kind of porn, sitting beside Ben. He was still tingling from his orgasm just thinking about Ben ramming into him a few minutes ago. “Any particular genre you like?”

“Yeah… but you’ll most likely hate it.”

“Foreign films?”

“No… well, yes, but sometimes they’re a bit too existential for me.”

“How ‘bout we flip a coin?”

“Uhm… how ‘bout, uh… no…” Ben snatched the booklet, looking over the meager choices. “Hmm… no wonder I don’t watch these channels.” Both he and Justin chuckled. Ben glanced down when Justin scooted near, placing the side of his face against his shoulder joint and upper biceps. He was leaning on Ben to glance at the booklet guide together. The warmth was odd to feel. “How ‘bout we compromise?”

“By doing what?” This was why Justin liked Ben so much, always willing to work things out to an even keel.

“I watch something you like, then you watch something I like.”

Justin looked at the late hour. “Don’t you have classes tomorrow?”

“Don’t you?”

“Yeah…” Justin smirked against Ben’s shirt. “… would it be alright if I spent the night? I’ll sleep on your couch.” He’d never been allowed to do this… stay the night – business. He’d fallen asleep plenty of times on the couch, but Ben would wake him up or he would wake himself up and leave, no matter the hour. But he was getting this strange feeling that tonight they’d turned a corner. They hadn’t seen one another for so long, it was as if neither of them wanted the night to end. Justin knew, for sure, he didn’t want to leave.

“Of course you can.” Ben stared at Justin a little longer than he should’ve. There had been a few nights where he’d watch Justin fall asleep, that youthful face and striking blond hair causing his body to ache with want, some desire. “Wait… do you have, like, a ‘check-in’ thing with Brian or… something?”

“No. Not if I don’t want to.” Justin bit his bottom lip, marveling at how close he was to being with Ben the whole entire evening into morning. Suddenly the thought of Brian seemed so distant in his mind. 

“Mmm… he’s not gonna kick my ass, later, for keeping you past curfew?”

“If he hasn’t cared before or at this point… I don’t think he ever will. As long as the cops aren’t callin’ him to come identify my body… or post my bail… he’s fine…”

“… how lovely and romantic…”

“… you know you’re jealous…”

“I am… I so am…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin had stretched out first, his head on a decorative pillow on the opposite end of the couch, from Ben. At some point, he’d bent his legs, lifting them onto the cushions. His feet brushed Ben’s outer right thigh. Soon he set the soles, flat to the bulky shape. He adjusted and shifted to face the television screen, then felt warm hands clutching at his bare ankles. A grip tight enough that they ended up being snatched and tugged to stretch across Ben’s lap.

He had to re-situate himself on the couch, but it was a much more comfortable, highly intimate position he easily slipped into. For awhile, Ben was only sitting back, elbows resting on Justin’s calves, but then the hands began to soothe and rub, slipping under clothes to touch bare skin. Justin’s dick twitched in anticipation to how far Ben would go.

They were reaching the end of the first movie. Ben slumped into the corner of the cushions. His right leg was hitched up on the couch, bare foot dangling in mid-air. Justin reached out to pull the limb closer to his body, like he could cuddle the appendage.

When the credits were rolling, they disentangled from around one another. Justin cleared away the dishes and refreshed Ben’s coffee mug. He eyed Ben moseying off into his bedroom on the way to the kitchen. He was curious to why Ben had been eager to run away, having some idea Ben was so horny he had to jack-off or something. But as the sexy image entered his head, as Justin prepared the mug of hot liquid, he felt the presence of Ben in the kitchen. There was a shock of electric warmth along his back and once Ben soothed his hand down Justin’s right biceps, in comfort.

Ben broke away and reached above into the cabinets to pull down a second mug. “Have something hot with me. Like tea or cocoa, if you don’t care for coffee.”

Justin went a little giddy inside his belly. “You have hot chocolate?”

“Yes.” Ben softly snickered, not having an idea of what Justin kept thinking about him to constantly be shocked he was normal… average. Just like everyone else, even Justin himself.

“… with marshmallows?”

Ben’s right hand settled on the curve of Justin’s hip and waist, coming around to massage at the dip of the spine. He chuckled lightly in the delicate ear. “With… an’ without. There might even be a mint hot chocolate, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Mmm… I’d like that even more…” But not more than Ben’s hand skimming the upper curves of his backside. Justin eyed Ben slipping the kettle of tepid water onto the stove burner. He crossed his arms, leaning on the side of the fridge. “Is it too much to assume you have, like… popcorn? Something I can easily slip into the-…” Ben moved while Justin talked, opening a lower cabinet and taking out exactly what he’d asked about.

“Lightly salted, with butter. Do you love me or what?”

Justin bit his bottom lip, smiling foolishly from ear to ear. He was coming damn close to feeling… something akin, but not able to voice it. As Ben set up the microwave and the kettle was boiling, Justin watched Ben walk away to fiddle with the unopened mail. He could almost lose himself in the “idea”, the one where this… this moment was his life. This… was his apartment… he was standing in his kitchen and watching his boyfriend.

He would do this with Brian, back at the Loft, but one or more things would always occur to sour the fantasy. Standing here… with Ben of all people, Justin felt an entirely different connection. Like if he wanted this bad enough, wanted it to be real… he could actually touch it, ask for it with very little, if none, cajoling. Which was odd… because Justin hadn’t touched Ben in a sexual manner. Before the thought had been more of a taunt, to himself, see if he could catch any man. If only to show Brian how desirable other men found him. Then, as always, a way to agitate and annoy Michael. But that didn’t work unless Ben and Michael were dating.

Lately, that action was feeling empty. Brian had seen that “trick” a thousand times, not impressed. What other mystifying feats did he have to hold Brian’s interest? Plus… being able to “bag” Ben as a conquest, would’ve solidified his power over Michael. But getting to know Ben made Justin realize he could genuinely care about a man, understand why Michael had been attracted in the first place. Beyond the fact that the Professor had a slamming hot body.

Ben was wearing those wire-rimmed frames to read his mail. Justin never knew he could find that look so sexy, but Ben wore it well. The microwave ding-ed, Justin moved to take out the bag and pour the contents into a huge bowl Ben had placed on the counter. The kettle began to whistle and Ben pushed back his chair to tend to the mug of hot chocolate. He picked up both cups and wandered into the living room. Justin followed around the other side, handling the bowl of popcorn.

As Justin strolled around the couch, he learned why Ben had disappeared into the bedroom. There were pillows and blankets out to use later on tonight. Justin wasn’t sure how quickly Ben expected him to use these items, so he sat down normally on the cushions, feet on the floor, bowl in his lap. Ben sat next to him, positioned much the same, except once the next movie began, he twisted his body frame to the right, placing his arm up along the couch back, above Justin’s head.

Justin felt weird, struggling with about five different emotions at once. The one that was most confusing was “fear”. He didn’t know why it was there, because he was comfortable here, alone with Ben. Then in a sudden instant of thought, he actually knew what did scare him… what Ben could symbolize. No matter what happened, at this point, Justin could play and “dick around” with Brian, but with Ben… there was an undercurrent of seriousness. That “maturity” he’d been talking on and on about, relentlessly teasing Justin.

The arm fell off the couch back, slipping around Justin’s shoulders. Ben was back to touching innocently, unconsciously rubbing the shoulder joint under his thick, blunt fingertips. Even though he still felt apprehensive, Justin took a chance. He transferred the bowl onto Ben’s lap and pulled out one blanket to cover his body. He decided to huddle close, snuggling under the strong arm. He sent his own right arm to wrap, then tuck about Ben’s muscular frame and he used the sturdy upper chest as his “pillow”, for now. Justin couldn’t believe how much he was enjoying himself, doing nothing exciting in particular. He thought he’d shut his eyes for only a few minutes, but the fingers massaging his scalp, and nape, lulled him into a quick slumber. He had no idea he was that exhausted.

**~~TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

 

When he opened his eyes next, Ben was laying under him. He was on top, niched between Ben’s bulky thighs. The arm once around him was bent and arched over Ben’s face, blocking his eyes from light. Ben’s right leg was bent, knee pushed to the cushion, the left leg was stretched out fully. Justin tucked an arm under his chin to stare at the handsome face, finding Ben quite striking in sleep. He watched the lips, the facial motions as he shifted his body a little. God… Justin was perfectly meshed with Ben’s groin, able to feel the heat, the growth of a hidden part, waking before the actual person did. 

Lifting upward, Justin let his hand sculpt along the exposed naked torso, where Ben’s shirt hem hiked off his waist. His fingers rode over the packed abdominal wall to fall at the flat pelvis. He could feel the tickle of pubic curls, then the intense warmth of the erection beneath. There were ridges and veins, soft slick skin and seeping moisture from the rounded head. Ben was impressively huge and steadily growing from Justin’s caress alone. Justin loved how much control he could have over strong, powerful men. It was a complete turn-on… _like it was doing to him now_ …

But _this_ \-- _with Ben_ \-- was different. An unknown excitement filled his belly as Justin hovered, then lowered his body, matching limb for limb and body part for body part, sinking to press lips at the protruding chin. He traced along the jaw, coming up and around to lick his tongue tip on the opening mouth, starting at the top lip. Ben tasted like salt and butter… and the sweetness of coffee…

Ben moaned in his sleep, removing his arm. His eyes were _still_ closed, _still_ caught in dreamland, as he frowned and undulated into the hand gripped around his length and the body above him. He sent out his hands to grasp the arms, the biceps, of the person… wanting to tug forward, but fighting to shove away. When his tongue came out to lick his lips, so he could speak, his next intake of breath was interrupted with a swift hard kiss. “ _… oh… gawd!_ ” He gasped, slowly blinking his eyes open and waking up, fully. He had to shut his lids again as a thunderous rush of euphoria entered him, but his eyes were attempting to adjust to the darkness, only illuminated from the hue of the TV screen. “ _… Jus’in… Justin…_ ” Ben wondered what the hell was going on. How quickly he’d lost control of the moment. “ _… no… no…_ ” He sent a hand down to remove the grip, but Justin was quicker, shifting high up Ben’s body.

Justin’s left arm curled about Ben’s head, his right arm extended, stroking the silky flesh of the hardening cock. “… _ssshhh_ … it’s okay… I’ll take care of you… I’m not gonna hate you or feel weird in the morning. I think--I _feel_ this is something we both want. Let me… let me help you, Ben… _please_ … I know what you need…”

“… no… you don’t understand…” Ben was trying to shove, but Justin was a lot stronger than he realized. “ _… oh, christ… fuck…_ ” The sensation felt so good-- the skin on skin contact. He was close… so very, _very_ close. “ _… wait… wait…_ ” Ben had to think fast, caught unawares. He wasn’t sure how to rectify the moment, but he devised a quick solution that would keep Justin safe from harm. Harm Ben could do to him if they weren’t cautious and careful. “ _… please…_ remove… remove your… take out your hand… _please_ , Justin…”

“… but I…”

“Do it… _please_ … _**now**_ …”

Justin obeyed, not sure what was going to happen next. “Okay… now what?”

“Nothing. Just… forgive me, huh?” Ben hauled his entire body upward, grabbing Justin about the waist and slamming him gently onto the cushions, onto his back.

Justin let out a muffled scream of ecstasy, knowing exactly what Ben planned to do. His legs awkwardly opened and Ben fit himself between the slim thighs. He tenderly pinned the tiny wrists above the blond head, then began to frantically pound away through their clothing. He felt Justin struggle, but it was more from a need to touch Ben than wanting to get away. The legs tried to lock about Ben’s thighs as the youthful body counter-thrusted with the same gentle force Ben was using. Keeping their faces close, sliding their cheeks together and heavily breathing into one another’s ears, they succumbed to each others' desires. Justin kept trying to nip at Ben’s ear lobe and neck, tucking his face away in the broad shoulder. 

Ben began to use his forehead to hold Justin’s own head down to the cushions, preventing him from moving very little. He went suddenly still, climaxing heavily… _in one… two… three_ … ejaculations beneath his clothes. He could feel the semen coat his pubic hair and skin. He continued to thrust, since he hadn’t heard Justin orgasm. Both hands came up to cup Justin’s head, threading fingers through the perspiring blond locks. Ben became a tender, yet aggressive lover. He let Justin’s wrists go, but Justin never dropped his arms. Fingers tangled and pulled at his hair, soft palms cupped the sides of his face. _The lips…_ the lips kissed his heated, drenched skin and then soon… Justin arced off the cushions, pushing the back of his head into the couch. He, also, shot his load under his clothing, his body sensitive to touch as it quivered in the aftermath. He went weak, limp… leaving a long stretch of pale neck exposed.

Justin wanted Ben to kiss him… kiss his flushed skin some more… touch him. He wished they’d taken off their clothes, wanting to feel Ben’s incredibly hard body and soft, heated flesh against him. In so many ways, he was so like Brian, but he was different in countless others. Justin looked down to see Ben’s head on his chest, cheek pressed firmly to the up and down motions of his erratic breathing. The dark blond strands were mussed and spiked with moisture…

… as he was about to cradle Ben’s head, comb through the tangled hair… Justin watched Ben struggle to rise off the couch to get to his feet. He started to move to help, then stand up, as well… but Ben immediately grabbed him, quite roughly, under the arm and shook him…

“ _ **Do you realize what you could’ve done!?!**_ ”

It wasn’t registering quick enough in Justin’s head why Ben would look so angered and upset. Those beautiful blue eyes piercing right through him, darkening to a level he’d never seen. The lips were pinched, the face nearly went white and reddened with anger. “ _… yeah…_ ” He smiled softly, a quirk to a corner of his mouth. He reached out a hand to smooth over Ben’s heated cheek, tensing muscle. “… baby, it gets even better with all our clothes off…” He dropped the hand to Ben’s chest, but he was gently shoved backward. “ _Ow!_ … Ben…” He wasn’t sure he was completely understanding the situation. “… you’re _hurting_ me…” It wasn’t true, it was just uncomfortable, and a little scary.

“You have no idea!… what I feel like doing to you right now!!!” Ben shoved Justin one last time, watching him teeter on his feet, but settle. Then he ran a shaking hand along the nape of his neck.

“Wha-? I’m sorry…” Justin thought maybe he’d crossed a boundary Ben never wanted to, which would explain why he was this pissed. “… it was… you wanted it, too… I felt it… all night… you could’ve fuck’d me good, if you’d have…”

“Jesus Christ, Justin! You really don’t know, _do you_? How can you be _that_ dumb?! Seriously… do you have _any_ respect for yourself…? Is there _no value_ to your own life?”

“Huh?” _Okay…_ now Justin was growing even more scared. “Wha-?” He was backing up, because Ben was advancing. It was only a precautionary action, placing an arm up to ward off being hit, but all Ben did was clasp both hands around the dip of his nape into his shoulders, shaking some sense into his blank mind.

“Justin…” Ben forced their eyes to merge, looking directly into one another’s faces. “… there’s a reason I haven’t pursued this aspect of our relationship with you. It’s not because I _don’t_ feel anything. And it’s not because I’m playing some kind of sexual tease with you. I am attracted, but… _sweetie_ …” He knew he was scaring Justin, so he brought their heads closer, leaning brows together. “… my HIV POZ status puts a damper on situations like these… _skin on skin contact._ Especially when I’m asleep.” He sighed heavily, scraping a hand along Justin’s pale cheek. “… it’s a matter of _**me**_ …” He pounded a hand to his own chest. “… me _always_ being in control, so I can make sure I keep _**you**_ safe. Safe from harm.” He pressed a kiss to the pale forehead, still coated with sweat. “ _… safe from me…_ ”

“ _Oh… my god…_ ” Justin went ghostly white, suddenly a different kind of fear gripping him. “I forgot…” He covered a hand over his mouth. “I honestly… I didn’t… _oh, god…_ ” He squeezed his lids shut tight, feeling moisture gather behind his eyes.

“Hey, hey… look at me…” Ben grabbed Justin’s bowing chin. “… it’s okay… You’re okay, believe me… I’m not… it’s not like I’m airborne contagious or anything. It _can_ happen.” He smiled reassuringly, kissing Justin’s temple and keeping his face against Justin’s skin. “You don’t know how many times…” He enveloped an arm around Justin’s shoulders, holding him close, under his arm. “… I’ve wished I could gain back that spontaneity -- the freedom of sex. I jus’-- I care about my sexual partners too much to put them in the same predicaments I found myself in. The ‘guilt’ alone would kill me, if I ever learned I’d been at fault for putting someone at risk.”

“What do I do?” Justin had a weird sensation of wanting to cling to Ben. He was unsure of how to touch himself. “... _please_ … Ben… what do we do…?” He couldn’t even hold Ben properly, his arms going slack by his sides.

“C’mon…” Ben scraped his bare knuckles along Justin’s pale face. “I’ll let you use my shower.” He took one of Justin’s dangling hands, guiding him into his bedroom. “… just take off your clothes, pile them there on the corner of the bench. I’ll get the water started, and hot, for you.” He stepped into the bathroom, getting the shower ready. When he walked out, Justin hadn’t moved at all -- too shell-shocked and stunned to react. As he approached Justin, Ben noticed the paleness of the features, beginning to show the signs of a possible “fainting spell”… right down to the closing of the eyes as they rolled back into his head. He caught Justin before he collapsed, sweeping him into his arms and carrying him into the bathroom. He sat him on the closed toilet lid, watching the dark blond lashes flutter back into life. He bent Justin forward, head between his knees, as Ben squat at his feet. He instructed Justin, calmly, in how to regulate his breathing -- slowly, in and out.

Ben helped Justin undress in his weakened state, not interested in salivating over getting to see Justin completely unclothed. There were more important things to deal with at the moment. He walked him toward the shower stall, opening the huge glass door to settle Justin under the spray. He realized, all to quickly, Justin was in a numb daze, staring straight ahead, unable to do much movement. Ben made the snap decision to climb into the shower with Justin, rather than get his clothes wet.

Ben washed Justin’s hair and body, paying particular close attention to the hand that had stroked him, making sure there were no cuts or open sores along the nail beds that could easily get infected. What shocked him most was Justin’s willingness to stay close to him, not really scared _of_ him, just plain scared. Ben did a swift wash of his own body, scrubbing heavily with the medicated soaps around his penis and the caked pubic hair, down and around the scrotal sac, and in any crevice the semen could’ve seeped. Even the crack of his ass. He turned, shower spray pelting his back muscles, washing out the suds in his hair. He caught sight of the light blue eyes, wide and wild, filling with moisture again. He held open his arms, offering a moment of comfort.

Justin eagerly accepted the warm embrace. He had never known fear like this, while completely aware he had been in the wrong. He often felt that way about Hobbs and the bashing incident. _What would’ve happened had he left well enough alone and not taunted himself at Christian? Would he ever have been hit? At all?_ Life precariously on the edge. Ben practically lived this stuff every day… _every minute_ of his waking life. Justin drew backward, eyes averted down. “… I don’t… I don’t know what to say… an apology seems so… empty… so useless right now…”

“There’s no need.” Ben reached behind them to turn off the faucet knobs. “Like I told you, hormones and practicality don’t blend well. Believe me…” He opened the glass door, walking out to snatch up a towel. After he secured the fabric about his waist, he reached for another to dry Justin off. “… I’d love to forget too. I’d love to be able to do those things I use to, but I can’t. And that is just the way it has to be.”

“That sucks.” Justin looked down at Ben as he dried off his naked body.

“I don’t know.” Ben smirked, standing upright to face Justin. “I’ve learned to cope. You turn negatives into positives.”

“How?” Justin grabbed the towel Ben had been using and wrapped it about his own waist.

“Condoms have become a bit of a ‘fetish’ now, in gay culture. It’s still about stimulation and getting the most natural feel of your partner. For some, there’s an element of kink with latex rubber.”

“Have you ever--?” Justin didn’t even know where to start asking the right question, not to offend Ben.

“ _… what?_ ”

“How did you get sick?”

“Barebacking with someone whom I trusted, more than my own life.”

“Did you love him?” Justin swallowed hard, feeling his cock awaken.

“Yes.” Ben gave out a sad smile. “It’s why I wanted to fuck him raw. I thought it would show him how much I really did love him.” Then he shook his head at his own stupidity. “I just forgot to remember how promiscuous he truly was, and that sometimes he did enjoy the fetish of barebacking. It wasn’t a situation he deemed special or a mark of how genuinely deep my affections were for him. He liked orgies best. The more anonymous the better, for him.”

“ _Damn…_ ” Justin moved to soothe a hand over Ben’s wide back, along his spine. He didn’t hear the sharp intake of breath at his slight touch. “… I’m sorry… gives me a whole new respect for Brian’s hardcore safe sex rules.”

Ben didn't know why he blurted out that fact, but it seemed like the right thing to mention, in light of what had just happened. Extra reassurance that Justin had been “safe”. “We met before I coupled with the man who infected me.”

“Brian? You mean?”

“Yes.” Ben leaned back on the sink ledge. “I suppose I went to the White Party to forget. Wanted _anyon_ e to take me back to their room and fuck me until I couldn’t feel _anything_ more.” His eyes stared off into the distance, a soft chuckle accenting his words, with an occasional lift of an eyebrow. “We’d certainly drank enough, and got higher, than we both had ever been.”

Justin licked his lips, walking closer with a hand out to grab Ben’s biceps. “I’m a little jealous…” His fingers trailed along the bare forearm. “… envious…”

Ben widened his smile, knowing what Justin meant. He thought more for the sake of Brian, than him. “He _is_ a good guy, Justin. Once you wash away the surface bravado and selfishness.”

Justin shook his head, laughing softly. “You only met him _once_ , two years ago. Intimately, _yes_ , on an intense level. How can you possibly know--?”

“Because… he _genuinely_ loves and cares about the people closest to him. It’s plainly obvious with Michael in the room. No one else exists, even when he’s draped over someone else.”

“ _Ugh_ _ **… Michael…**_ _ah-gain…_ ” Justin feigned rolling his eyes in annoyance of that name.

Ben shook his head. “You forget, there’s Gus… there’s his connection to Lindsay. Not _everything_ is about Michael, Justin.”

“It seems like it for _**me**_.”

“It’s because you _**let**_ it. Your life is practically mirrored after his.”

“ _ **IS NOT!!**_ ”

“Justin…” Ben reached out to clamp his hands around Justin’s biceps. “… you fuck his best friend… His Mom practically wants to adopt you. If you ask me, that’s pretty creepy for a guy who says he hates Michael.”

“I don’t--I don’t _hate_ him, Ben. I jus’ don’t… he’s so weak and sad… pathetic. Always… like what Brian calls him.”

“An’ you don’t like weakness or vulnerability of _any_ kind?”

“It gets you nowhere. You’re a nobody.”

“And you… Mr. Taylor? Who are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“After all you’ve done to get what you think you’ve always wanted -- being exactly where you are -- _**WHO ARE YOU?**_ ” Ben folded his arms across his stomach. “Who is Justin Eugene Taylor?”

“I dunno…”

“You have more in common with Michael than you think. You’re not better, or worse, than him. I’d consider you both equals.” Ben could see Justin struggling with his comment. “It’s not a critique or a complaint. I don’t know why it upsets you to be compared to him. I’d be fuckin’ flattered. I know I was only with him a short time, but there’s so much more to Michael than you even know or want to know. But, in all honesty… I’m the last person you need to be taking advice from.”

“I want to… Ben… I want you to teach me everything you know.” Justin almost wished he had known Ben before meeting Brian, wished that he still had his virginity to give… _for Ben to take_. He had some idea Ben would treat him with care and respect, his experience a helluva lot more different than with Brian. “I feel like you know... so much more. An’ well… you’re more open to share with me. You’ve let me in where others have closed the door, because of how young I am.”

“I can’t make you any guarantees, but I will promise to be as honest and succinct with you as I can.”

“Will you help me?” Justin was shocked at himself. He didn’t really have a stigma or a fear with AIDs/HIV and he didn’t avoid men because of it. Getting to know Ben made him care about “the person” more than the disease. The way Ben had taken care of him through this moment solidified Justin's decision to keep this learning experience alive.

“Do _what_?” Ben frowned, his eyes boring into Justin’s features.

“A few minutes ago… my reality went _kerplunkety_! You were angry at me for being an idiotic child, which I agree with. But…” Justin lifted his head, biting at the inside of his cheek. “… you’re not making me feel like a complete shit-tard. An’, _if I’m reading this conversation right_ , you don’t _hate_ me.”

“ _Why would I hate you?_ ” Ben grabbed for Justin’s hand, drawing him close to his body.

“Look… I’m sure it’s tough, being constantly surrounded by youth. I’m sure at the end of the day, the last thing you’d want is to come home to another twenty-something, fucking up their life--”

Ben rested his hands on Justin’s shoulders. “I’m not perfect. We all make mistakes.” He slid his hands down to cup the shoulder joints. “What’s important is that we learn from them and move the fuck on. What’s the point in wallowing, there’s no chance of rewinding time. And… how young you are matters very little to me if you carry yourself with some pride… some self-respect and a little decorum and control.”

“Ahh… so basically… _everything I’m not_.”

“You really want me to help you?” Ben crossed his arms, his brow furrowing with curiosity. “What? Be a better homosexual?” He was keeping their bare chests further apart. “I thought Brian was already doing that?”

“No… just… I just need a really good friend. I don’t have many of those an’ I’m sure every friend you’ve tried to have is connected, in some way, to your illness. That can’t be easy.”

“They do seem to drop like flies around me.” Ben chuckled as he dodged a swat from Justin to his torso.

“Teach me how to be more… _mature_. A better human being, not just a gay man an’ I’ll--” Justin didn't know what he had, of himself, to offer. If it had been Brian, he already knew what to use to get him to cave to his will.

“… keep me looking young and beautiful?” Ben pretended like he had long, flowing blond hair, throwing the lovely locks over his shoulders.

“Nah…” Justin chuckled deeply, shaking his head. “… you already got that covered.” He was trying hard to dig deep enough o find an excuse to not be thrown aside. “I’ll make you more attainable… _approachable_. Maybe I’ll keep you sane. I’ll make you have those moments where you can forget for once.” Justin held out his hand to shake. “Deal?”

“I’m wary.” Ben took the offered hand, only because he wanted an excuse to touch Justin again. “Only because there’s very few people who can catch me unawares. You almost frighten me with how great you really are.” He tilted his head, when looking down at Justin, with a smirk building off one side of his mouth. “I just wish you could see it too.”

“Why? You think you might actually start to care an’ fall madly in love with me?” Justin dropped the towel, trotting away with a swish of his slim hips and ample bottom, to step out into Ben’s bedroom and dig around for some clothes to wear.

Ben leaned a little more heavily on the sink, rubbing a hand over his face then soothing his strong jaw. “Oh… I just might… I just fuckin’ might…” He shook his head and closed his eyes…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **Next morning…**

Justin was watching Ben move about the apartment, under one opened eye, getting ready to head off to class. He decided to roll over, onto his back, making Ben aware he was waking up. “Any plans for lunch?”

Ben nodded his head, doing up one sleeve’s cuff. “Staff meeting. Short one, but it’ll eat up half my time.” He glanced down at Justin, tangled amongst the sheets on the couch, one bare leg stuck out of the heavy top blanket. “Were you comfortable last night? I heard you shufflin’ about.”

“Couldn’t sleep again.” Justin rubbed over the portion of his head where he’d been bashed, now covered with thick blond hair. “It’s getting to worry me more and more. I get that good two to three hours and then I’m up nearly all night…”

“Hey… I’m not trying to step on toes or anything, but **I** want you around. _Hear me?_ ” Ben smiled at Justin’s quiet nod of agreement. “Don’t let this go on for too long before we do something about it.” He lowered his head to re-adjust his tie.

Justin tried to hide his giddiness when he heard Ben say “we”, like he was going to help Justin with his doctor’s appointments. “I jus’ dread those visits again. They tell me the same thing they always do. I’d rather not know anything, then be told the same shit fifty times.”

“I know this is a little early, but… I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow afternoon. I’ve arranged for Holden to take my classes for the remainder of the day.”

Justin smirked, rising to lean back on his elbows. “You want me to sit in an’ make sure he doesn’t screw up? Or bad mouth you while you're gone?”

“No…” Ben chuckled softly, shaking his head. “… would you like to come with me?”

Justin felt his face go slack, jaw almost hanging open. “To your doctor’s appointment?”

Ben furrowed his brow in deep thought. “You have classes tomorrow?” He should get Justin to leave him something akin to a set schedule. College was college, even when it was PIFA. He hated having to constantly ask Justin if things changed or not.

Justin _did_ have classes, but this seemed more important. “No. No I don’t.”

“Good.” Ben cleared his throat, placing his hands on his hips. “Maybe we could make an afternoon of it.”

“Like a… date?” Justin glanced demurely up at Ben, under his fluttering lashes. “Are you asking me out, Professor Bruckner?”

“Justin…”

“Sorry.” Justin waved his hand in front of his face. “I jus’… my track record with men is all bassakwards. I don’t know if I’d even know a ‘normal’ relationship if I was in one.”

“Neither would I. So… you’re not alone.”

Justin liked knowing that and didn’t mind the company he’d keep. “I’m glad.”

“Of what?”

“Eh… knowing you… getting to know you… being here, with you… just bein’ with you, in general. It’s all so… different.”

“From Brian?” Ben snorted out a chuckle. “Well, fuck me… I would hope so.”

“Trust me… it’s a good thing. A very, very good thing.”

“… mmm… now **I** ‘m glad…” Ben was standing, hovering over Justin, smiling down at him. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a complicated young man. You need to allow the men in your bed to realize that, so _you_ don’t vanish into thin air.”

“Did you…” Justin dropped his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek. “… this’ll sound silly, but… did you ever want kids of your own?”

Ben was a little stunned at the question, but he didn’t mind answering. “I did, once. But I’m ‘tainted’ now. So… no chance of that ever happening.”

Justin shook his head sadly. “Shame.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Some kid is missing out on having a really great father.”

“Thank you.” Ben squat, then bent over to press a kiss near Justin’s mouth.

“Ahh… I’ve been waiting for you to do that.”

Ben hefted himself on what little cushion was left when Justin turned onto his side and pushed back into the couch. “You gonna stay here all day… and mope?”

“I might. I’m thinking about rollin’ my naked body around in your big King-sized bed.”

“… hmm…” Ben bit at his bottom lip, gazing intently into light blue eyes sparkling in a taunt. “… are you going to--?”

“Oh… _maybe_ … if I use the memory of last night in my mind.” Justin smoothed a hand up Ben’s chest, thinking he looked quite dapper in a dress shirt, matching tie and dark blue trousers.

“Sorry…” Ben had nearly lay in that huge-ass bed, thinking about the same thing, contemplating whether he should invite Justin into his bed or let him stay outside on the couch. Something _had_ happened last night, after that semi-scare. He felt strangely _connected_ with Justin on a much deeper level, both of them feeling quite open and vulnerable with one another.

“Sorry? Sorry for _what_? **I** liked it.” This time Justin brought out both hands, sculpting up and down Ben’s sides, resting on the belt loops at his waistline.

“I was frustrated, sexually. Not because of you. I was angry at myself. I went from one great relationship into thinking I could forget easily by carrying on a simple sexual one with Holden.” He shook his head at how bad of an idea _**that**_ had been. “That’s not a good place to be in -- realizing that I could be starting something I didn’t really want.” He wasn’t sure _what_ he wanted. He wasn’t even sure if what he wanted was right here, laying on his couch.

“What I walked in on, before I came over--” Justin scratched at the underside of his chin, still curious to what had been between Ben and his sexy teaching assistant. “You said you’d been sleeping on the couch.” He couldn't get the image out of his head of a naked Holden wandering around the apartment, like he lived there. Or that he had been there plenty of times before. “Did I come in at the end of a fight?”

“Holden’s looking for something I can’t give him. Not now, not yet.”

“Mmm… I’m sorry… sorry you had to hurt someone. He seems like a nice, sweet guy.”

“He’s available.” Ben gave off a sloppy smile.

“Uh… no thanks.” Justin shuffled his head about on the pillow case. “I told you I really liked what we did last night. Especially when you held my arms here an’…” He began to tease, mimicking exactly what Ben had done to him, slipping lower under Ben’s body.

“ _… stop…_ ” Ben choked out, covering Justin’s mouth with two fingers, then slowly lowering his brow to rest on the pale forehead. “ _… don’t… just… stop talkin’…_ ” He started that breathing exercise he did, the one that seemed like he was trying to inhale Justin.  


Justin went silent, not sure he even knew a sexier sight than Ben calming his hormones down, using those slow breathing techniques. He brought one of his hands down, fingers scraping over the tense back muscles. “I wish… I wish I could do more for you. I wish… _fuck_ … I wish a lot of things, but I wouldn’t trade a moment like this for sex any day.” He kissed a spot on Ben’s neck, nuzzling his face into the curve of the broad shoulder. 

“That’s sweet of you.” Ben lifted his head upward, eyes deeply connecting with Justin’s. “And thoughtful too.” He narrowed his eyes on Justin, wrinkling his forehead in thought. “Where’s all this coming from?”

“I dunno. You treat me like I matter. Like I’m ‘somebody’. You _want_ me an’… I’m thinking you’ll soon grow to _need_ me. I’m looking forward to being there, if you don’t mind.”

“Brian’s gonna kill me.”

“He’ll have to kill us both. Now… I finally have something of my own.” Once he said that, Justin lifted his hand up to comb through Ben’s neat, tidy hairstyle, tucking some strands behind his ears. “Something he can’t touch or take away.”

“Does this mean… you an’ Brian will soon be in some heavy talks?”

“Things have been heading that way. I could feel it.”

Ben rolled his wrist over to glance at his watch; Justin covered the face of the watch with one hand. “ _Damn…_ gotta leave now if I want to get to my office early.”

“What’s today’s topic?” Justin didn’t want Ben to leave yet.

“I don’t know. Holden’s supposed to brief me when I get in.” Ben closed his eyes and averted his gaze. “IF he’ll talk to me again.”

“ _Jesus…_ I put you in quite a mess, haven’t I?”

“No. Holden and I were the ones at fault. Though he was great in bed… there’s nothing there, for me.”

“He’s got a nice cock, huh?” Justin had forgotten to even take a peek. He had seen the instant shock of the pubic hair and the length amidst the bush, but never looked closely, too distracted by Ben to even noticed specifics.

“That… is Professor & TA privileged information, Mr. Taylor.”

“Mmm-hmm… he must be hah-uuug…”

“You’ll have to find out for yourself.”

“No. Not my type, actually. And… I don’t chase people who can’t see me. Or pretend I’m not there.”

“He could be playing hard to get.”

“By jumping in the sack with you?!?!”

“You never know. Don’t give up on him so soon.”

“Eh… still no. I trust you. If you don’t find him… worthwhile… well, I’m not going to do any better.”

“Okay. I’ll stop playing Cupid. But, seriously, if you ever need me to, _you know_ , give you a push in the right direction… I’m your man.”

“Thanks.” Justin would rather simply have Ben. Sounded easiest and uncomplicated.

“Full class load today?”

“Yeah.” Justin glanced at Ben’s watch, turning the wrist, then keeping the arm in his grip. “I have another hour and a half before I have to be there.” He wondered why Ben wasn’t moving off him, exiting to head into work. “Ben?”

“I jus’… you mentioned Brian being away an’… I haven’t been able to reach Michael, at all. I was only wondering…”

Justin slipped his hand up Ben’s forearm towards the bulging muscles of the biceps. “You can’t get enough of me, can you?”

“If you want, you don’t have to, but… I’m getting’ an idea if they’re together…” Ben reached out to touch Justin’s cheek. “… since you’ll be alone in the Loft… why don’t you stay for dinner tonight…” This was a weird place to be for Ben. To actually want someone in his home, to actually not mind the company and to really miss that person when they weren’t around. Despite all his inner protests, and advising Justin not to tie himself down to permanent relationships so quickly, Ben was considering Justin. “… we’ll see what happens from there.”

“Can I--? Would you like me to cook for us?”

Ben let out a broad smile, his heart picking up pace. “I’d like that. I don’t… there’s not much pasta here. I mostly use rice. You’ll have to go shopping.”

“I have some things at the Loft I can bring with me. Just give me a call on my cell, I’ll meet you here.”

Ben reached inside his trouser pocket. He could count the number of times he’d done this very action in his life, Justin being a close second. “How ‘bout I just give you _this_?” He held up a single key. “You can come in whenever you like. Or when…” His eyes lowered to catch sight of Justin’s mouth unable to contain its wide smile. “… things seem to be too much for you, elsewhere.”

“Ben…” Justin spoke in a hushed whisper. “… this is… _whoa_ … I don’t know what to say.” He did know how he felt, though, like kissing Ben quite passionately. His heart actually hurt from the feelings overcoming him. 

“Take the key. Use it… or not. I’ll be here. No pressure. I really enjoy your company.” Ben leaned forward to press a light, yet long, peck to Justin’s open mouth. He felt the hand come up to cup and caress his freshly shaven cheek. “… bye…”

“… mmm… have a good day. I’ll…” Justin swallowed the lump lodged in his throat, looking down at the key in his hand. _Christ!_ The multitude of things this one little object symbolized for him. “… I’ll try to get here before you get in. Maybe I’ll have a warm home-cooked meal waiting for you when you walk through the door.” He couldn’t believe the things he dreamed of doing with Brian, were the _very_ things he was offering Ben, and Ben was taking them as if he actually wanted them to happen.

“That sounds even better.” Ben bent low to kiss an area of Justin’s brow. “All right. Now -- I’m leaving…” He wasn’t moving one muscle… _well, not really_ …

“ _… wish you were staying…_ ” Justin let his lips skim over Ben’s skin.

Ben turned into Justin’s face, rubbing their cheeks together. “ _… me too…_ ” _God…_ he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Not tonight. Justin would be in his bed, but whether they had anything remotely resembling sex would be up to Justin himself. Ben wasn’t about to push the issue.

“We can play ‘hooky’ another day.”

Ben tenderly touched Justin’s face as he stood. “I can’t wait.”

“Thanks…” Justin held up the key, smirking, feeling mighty powerful at the moment. “… for this…”

Ben had been walking away as he smiled, sent off a wink, then picked up his satchel, hooking the long strap across his chest. “… go paint your masterpiece…”

Justin felt his heart stop, suddenly, wishing somehow he could think of something witty and charming -- _almost lovable_ \-- to say so Ben wouldn’t let this moment die off. It felt too good. “… mmm… I wish…” He didn’t know why he felt so emotional, about ready to cry. Not even his own parents supported his art. His Mom, a little, but she had wanted him to find a more lucrative career choice. Something that could guarantee him a constant source of steady income. “… bye…” He rose off the cushions to watch Ben disappear behind the front door. He sat there for what seemed like several minutes in silence, then cuddled into the couch and stared at the key. He couldn’t believe what he was really seeing. This… was truly a big deal for him. It had taken months before Brian finally handed him keys to the Loft, quite reluctantly.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **Late afternoon/ Early evening…**

He knew he was late the minute he strolled through the front door, using his key. His arms were laden with grocery bags and immediately he came face-to-face with Ben. He was seated at the table, elbows on the surface, fingers entwined – _steepled_ \-- his face resting against the bond.

Justin smiled ridiculously, rolling his eyes. He shut the front door with his backside, leaning on the paneling. “ _Christ!_ It’s a lot different when you go food shopping on your own.” He felt Ben’s concentrated stare, but went on chattering. “I know, I know… I’m so unbelievably fuckin’ late… an’ you’ve probably been here for more than an hour, waiting on my ass… not having had a decent meal all day. I thought I’d be able to leave my last class early, but the instructor wanted to ‘see me’ afterward. Well… you won’t believe what he asked me. _Which I’ll tell you later once we’re eating_. Anyway… I finally get to the store and -- _of course_ \-- I can’t find all my ingredients in one place. So I remembered a few more stores Mom took me, where I could find what I needed. I ended up accidentally buying French bread instead of Italian. Is that okay? Because I guess I was so intent on getting stuff for my sauce that I…”

He felt the gentle hands on his shoulders first, molding and shaping the fabric of his jacket. The fingers slipped under the collar, sliding the material off, along Justin’s arms. Ben threw the jacket over the sink ledge, then spun Justin around. He hefted him upward, placing him on the counter and slowly opening his knees to step between them. One arm was secure about the trim waist and Ben dipped his head to steal a series of long, rough… and drawn out kisses. Justin reacted by sending every limb he had tight about Ben’s bulky body. _God…_ was this how he would welcome him home every day? 

“… mmm… that was…” Justin chuckled as he kept dodging Ben’s lowering face, trying to nip at his mouth. “… unexpected… but nice…” He reached up with one hand to clamp on Ben’s shoulder to hold him away. “… care to explain?”

Ben shook his head, darkening blue eyes staring at Justin’s open mouth. “… no… not really…”

There was a blank sadness, like grief, that washed over Ben’s features, which made Justin know he was flat-out lying. Ben looked as if he wanted to talk, like he had a lot to say. Justin knew a few ways to coerce the root of the problem out of Ben. “You still wanna do this? Since you’ve been here longer… we can order in. It’ll probably get here quicker than I can cook.”

“… no…” Ben drifted away, allowing Justin to slide off the counter top. “I, uh… you’ve gone through all the trouble.”

“We can make something else. Something easier. This is a little more involved. Might be another hour or two until we eat.”

“It’s fine. Let’s do this and stop talkin’ about it.” Ben began to look inside some of the bags. “Salads?”

“Yeah. Just a light one… with garlic bread.”

“ _This_ bread?” Ben held up the French loaf.

“Yes.” Justin watched Ben grab the vegetables and French loaf. He moved over to another counter and pulled out a bread knife and a chopping knife from the wooden knife-block. Justin found himself stunned Ben was willing to help him. Hell, to even be around him. _Was he upset that Justin was late? Or had something gone on before he arrived to set Ben off-kilter?_ Those kisses were more desperate than Ben even knew they could appear, like he was looking for solace or salvation.

The kitchen was small, cramped, so it was amazing that they didn’t feel crowded once they both got underway in working on their separate tasks. Justin felt compelled to fill the achingly silent air with talking, even if it was just him mouthing off and going on about his day or even randomness of his short life. Ben smiled weakly, eyes more serious and intent to converse. He said very few words, but he responded enough times to let Justin know he was listening and paying close attention.

Justin had the pasta boiling and the sauce simmering slowly. He opened the oven door to see the French bread slices baking nice and even. When he stood upright, he realized that he was alone in the kitchen. He took a short wander about the apartment to notice Ben wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Then he discovered the closed bedroom door. He went about setting the table; plates and silverware in their proper places. Turning the rest of the meal down to a low heat, he cleaned off the surface of the dining table, getting rid of mail, the notebooks and loose papers Ben had taken out of his satchel.

He piled everything on the long end table, behind the couch and fit things back into Ben’s satchel that belonged, pertaining to his class; Ben’s notes and schoolwork, some of his students' papers. He set the bag on the floor, leaning the shape against the table leg. He removed Ben’s thick leather coat from around the chair rungs, moving to hang the tough fabric on a hook in the foyer closet. As Justin stood there, deeply pondering what could be bothering Ben, he hugged the coat to his body, pushing the smell of the material into his nostrils. There was a musky, woodsy scent of cologne, but an odd hint of tobacco smoke. Ben had either gone to a bar or… _was he a smoker?_

Justin heard the creak of the bedroom door opening, so he quickly put Ben’s coat away, going back to make room on the table. Ben didn’t return to the kitchen. He paced the living room floor; the cordless phone was clutched in his hand. Justin was no dummy; he could sense Ben would like nothing better than to throw the damn thing against the wall. He hadn’t heard the phone ring, once. Ben must’ve called out. Shaking his head slowly, trying to tell himself it was none of his business, Justin went about bringing the food to the table. Fairly soon, he would be ready to call Ben over, but there was one last thing he needed to ask. It seemed silly to bother Ben in the state he was immersing himself in. He tried to make the choice on his own, but Ben was pissed off enough. He took a chance, slinging the towel over his left shoulder. He paced out of the kitchen into the living room. Justin hung off the end of the dividing wall. "Ben…”

“Hmm?” Ben wasn’t even twisting away from staring hard out the lone window, out into the street below.

“Uhm…” Justin licked his lips nervously, eyes cautious and wary. He would tread lightly in the next few minutes. “… everything’s ready. I’m gonna eat, ’cause I’m hungry. Come in whenever you’re done.” Justin figured Ben was adult enough to make his own damn decision. There was no sense in brow-beating him to eat a meal he didn’t feel like having. Nor was Justin going to make himself suffer, needlessly, when he had slaved in the kitchen for so long.  
The phone rang when Justin was finishing up his portion of salad. After one-n-a-half rings, Ben picked up…

“ _ **Yes? Talk to me… What the fuck’s going on?!**_ ” Ben’s voice wasn’t yelling, only commanding. It started to sound distant, like he was walking away.

The bedroom door shut on a solid slam.

 

**~~TBC...**


	5. Chapter 5

  
Justin closed his eyes, flinching only slightly. He knew that sound. At home, with his parents. It was normally a sign of **“Don’t bother us. We’re fighting”** . Setting aside his salad plate, he reached for garlic bread and chomped down on the crispness. If he was quiet enough, he could hear Ben’s mumblings. The way, every so often, his voice would raise, but never shout. Justin wondered who was on the other end of that telephone line… and _why were they frustrating Ben so much? Didn’t they know he’d had a shitty day?_ Or, at least, that was the theory Justin was working with. 

There was quiet… _an awesome sense of dread_ \-- something _**not**_ being right. There was a loud crash… _an object finally being thrown_ … falling intentionally or being forced against a wall.

Justin couldn’t eat comfortably without checking on Ben. Plus, who knew how thin these walls were. He wanted to contain the noise before the cops were called. He threw the cloth napkin down on his place setting, pushing his chair out to stand. He strolled calmly to the closed door, waited a beat -- _counting to five_ \-- then knocked. Justin knew Ben would probably refuse him, but he couldn’t, in good conscience, allow Ben to suffer in private anguish like this. He had tried to do this same thing with Brian, once or twice, but that was always a forbidden wall he couldn’t climb over. Weird to think he was closer to Ben -- _without having sex, per se_ \-- but know that maybe Ben needed him to make the first move.

Justin was already opening the paneling. “Ben…”

“… not now, Justin…” Ben was pacing the floor in front of his bed.

“Yes… now… right now… right this fuckin’ second now. I can’t be in this place one minute longer an’… NOT… KNOW…” Justin stood in front of Ben, blocking his path with slight fear entering his body. His feet were planted firmly apart and his arms folded in defiance. “I can’t--I can’t watch you be like this.”

“… then you’re more than welcome to leave.” Ben only lifted one side of his mouth in mock happiness, about to step around Justin, but the young man was quicker. “I won’t hate you in the morning.” They butted chests… Ben’s hands coming out to catch Justin by the elbow joints that were still bent and across his chest.

“Did you-?” Justin felt those strong hands clench tight, possibly about to hurt him physically, then they swiftly turned gentle, almost soothing him.

“What?”

“… jus’ tell me. Were you angry at all when I _wasn’t_ here, after you got off work? I know I promised you…” Justin sent out his hand to lay flat on Ben’s chest, but Ben snatched the hand quick, sandwiching the appendage between both of his palms.

“Justin…” Ben reached up to brush back a lock of hair behind the small ear. “… this has _nothing_ to do with you. AT ALL.” He squeezed the hand in reassurance, kissing the top skin, then momentarily allowing the soft flesh to caress over his face.

Justin turned that hand around to cup Ben’s cheek, thumb playing at the bow of the bottom lip. “… _please_ … don’t shut me out. Let me in. I’m not--” He swallowed with a little difficulty because by now, if this were Brian… the tender moment would be forgotten and they’d be fucking or Justin would be on his knees giving a grateful blowjob for Brian _**not**_ kicking him out on his ass. “Is there something I can--?”

“There _was_ a reason I closed the door. I don’t…” Ben blinked slowly, wishing Justin had left well enough alone and given him a few more minutes of peace. “I didn’t want you in here… _bothering me_ …” _Shit!_ That was a bad word choice. Not exactly the one he wanted to use.

“Wha-?!” Justin pulled his hand out of Ben’s grasp, then slowly drew backward. “… yeah… sorry ‘bout that, you know. Some really terrific guy handed me a key this morning an I… _shit_ … I thought he wanted me here with him. _No matter what_. Since I don’t see him anymore, then maybe I should go back where I belong!” He ventured away, but Ben snatched him back. First by only his wrist, then by sweeping an arm around his waist.

“Wait! Don’t go… _just_ …” Ben one-arm hugged Justin to his body, keeping their faces together. “… _forgive me_ … I’m not in a ‘good’ place.”

“Tell me about it.” Wherever Ben was… Justin wanted to be there too. He grabbed onto the rounded shoulder joints, then slipped his hands, five-finger spread, over the wide back muscles.

“I really _shouldn’t_ have company -- _especially you_ \-- when I’m like this.”

Justin closed his eyes, loving the feel of Ben holding him tight, like a lifeline to save him. He laid his cheek on the slope of neck into shoulder. “Sorry too. I get a little sensitive and defensive.” He shook his head sadly. “You men are jus’… _frustrating_ as fuckin' hell. You think I don’t have a functioning brain in my head, because I’ve constantly got sex on my mind. That I don’t have real caring feelings or that -- _wow!_ \-- maybe I do know a thing or two about life, since I _have_ managed to nearly reach twenty years old…”

“ _… sorry… so sorry… c’mere…_ ” Now both of Ben’s arms were wrapped about Justin, somewhat rocking him in comfort. He didn’t like being lumped together with Brian Kinney and come out looking no better. “Everything kind of… _exploded_ … after the staff meeting.”

Justin was the one who pulled back, but still remaining in Ben’s arms. “Are you ready to tell me now?” The way Ben dropped eye contact told him if he waited just a little bit more, he might get what he wanted. “Was that phone call a part of the reason you’re upset?” He scraped his fingers up and down Ben’s back, along the curve of the spine.

“I’ve received bad… and then even worse news…”

“Oh?” Justin eyebrow rose in wonder. “What was the Bad?”

“In a month, I’ll have no place to live.”

“ _ **What?!?**_ ”

“This apartment isn’t fully mine. I co-op with another professor. The owner’s coming back earlier than expected. I have to be out by the end of the month.”

“Ben… _jesus_ …” It was a natural reaction to tell Ben he could come stay with him, but Justin forgot the Loft wasn’t his, and he knew Ben wouldn’t want to shack up with Debbie or his own Mom, Jennifer. He looked down, licking his lips. He was in deep thought. “An’ the even worse news?”

Ben took away his arms from around Justin, then brought up the hands to cup the sides of the slim neck. “You’re still so young and innocent to the ways of the world.” He leaned his forehead on Justin’s brow. “Especially my world.” He cleared his throat, stepping back a few inches, but kept their faces close. “You didn’t know this, but… after my doctor’s appointment, I had planned on taking you to see a friend of mine.” His hands sloped down to clamp on the small, but broad shoulders. They felt surprisingly strong under his hands. “Another HIV Poz survivor. I’ve been meaning to go see him, but I, uh… I kept putting it off.” He continued to avert his head and eyes, more and more, as if he were ashamed or bashful.

“Well… we can still go, if you want. I don’t mind if you--”

“I didn’t finish, Justin.” Ben tried to lift his head proudly, catching Justin’s intense blue gaze. “He’s dead. He died tonight at 7:23pm. In the arms of his partner, with family and friends standing outside…”

“ _Oh… my gawd…_ ” Justin reached up to latch onto Ben’s wrists, sliding up the forearms. “ _… fuck…_ ” It was finally sinking in, into his head, that every time _this_ happened… Ben had to think of his own situation. How _this time_ Death bypassed him, for some reason or another, and took _another_ life. “… I am so… so sorry…” He lowered his tone, unable to look directly into Ben’s steady gaze, because he couldn’t fathom Ben leaving _that_ suddenly. Ben no longer existing. That Ben could never be here, this close to him and touching him, letting Justin caress his body so freely. “I don’t--I don’t know what to say.” He really didn't, and he was doubtful Ben knew either. “ _How do people usually comfort one another in these times? What words could possibly convey such a heavy loss? To everyone he touched?_ ”

Ben tightened his lips, emotions clogging his throat. He nodded his agreement, thankful that Justin was as calm as he was about the whole thing. “They told me he asked where I was. They tried to reach me, this afternoon, when he was in and out of consciousness…” He was interrupted by Justin’s touch to his face. “… he slipped into a coma about 3pm this afternoon… an’ never came out…”

“Did you know him well?”

Ben shook his head. “Not very, but we’d--” He softly smiled at the memories. “He and I had some rather intense conversations in group -- our mutual HIV Poz group. We butted heads an’ argued… seemed like over everything. Nothing important, in truth. All that seems moot now.”

“ _Are they--? Will they have a funeral, with a viewing or something?_ ”

“No… no. Most likely not. He became severely emaciated… sores all over…” Ben circled his hand around his face, saying how terrible the man had looked upon Death. “They’ve grieved enough too. He’ll be cremated, by his own wishes. They’ll, uhm-- they thought of having a smaller service. Sort of a, uh... ‘remembrance’ party.”

“Is this… The Norm?”

“Huh?”

“Does every one of your friends choose this method… at the end of their lives?”

“ _God… fuck…_ ” Ben shook his head, clearing it of the hazy fog. “Sounds so weird, coming out like that.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know…”

“No! Christ, no. It’s not you.” Ben cupped the sides of Justin’s face, staring down at him with a sweet, comforting smile. “I just realized… you’ve put my whole entire life into a nutshell, watered it down. I guess it’s because… it’s because of what I used to argue with him about.”

“I have a feeling it wasn’t because you two rejected one another.”

“No. _Jesus…_ he would’ve never have given me the time of day.”

“Was he blind?”

“Eh… one would’ve thought. He had his opinions and he fuckin’ stuck to them. He firmly believed that HIV Poz survivors _could_ live normally, with precautions. In fact, he adamantly practiced what he preached. Even to the point of living with his non-Poz partner of seventeen years, which is, unheard of.” Ben was smiling from the memory. “He loved proving me wrong.”

Justin wished he could smile, and laugh, too. But he just heard something that nearly made his knees crumble. “… an’ you liked him… because he didn’t back down and let you win?”

“He was like Vic. And you don’t find those kind of gems, in people, every day.”

“No.” Justin began to pull away. “No you don’t.”

“Hey… where you going so fast?” Ben tugged on Justin’s biceps. “You got me talkin’ an’… suddenly you’re gonna bail on me?”

Justin shook his head, patting Ben’s hand. “No… the kitchen… I’m jus’… it’s a mess. I’ll clean it up an’ put the leftovers in the fridge.” He scratched at his scalp, averting his eyes. “I’ve got this, uh… bitch of a school project to work on. Gotta take advantage of that empty Loft, ya know.”

“Justin… now you’re closing off and pullin’ back… _was it something I said?_ ”

Justin didn’t want to say what bothered him, simply because it was true, what Ben said. This moment wasn’t about him -- Justin. So Justin blatantly lied. “It’s not important.” He struggled a bit in Ben’s grip. “ _… lemme go… please…_ ” He was being pulled to Ben’s chest, by only one hand. “This whole thing was a bad idea.”

“What? Getting involved in my life or… _what_? The key issue…”

“Ben… I’m just… I don’t know anymore. This is all so strange… _good strange._ And real… _so fuckin’ real_ …” Even though hours had passed, since last night, Justin was still reeling from that “moment of discovery”, where his health could have been in danger. “Everything is… _so overwhelming_ …” He shook his head, looking down at the carpet. “I can’t--”

“No. No… I’m not letting you go.” Ben’s declaration caused him to gently, but roughly, tug Justin into his body, hands sliding down to surround the hips and secure about the waist. “… I’m…” Wide, darkening blue eyes frantically searched over the youthful face. “ _… God…_ ” He leaned his head on Justin’s brow, hands tightening in a death grip. “… _I need you_ … to be here with me, as that bit of _normalcy_ I’m missing. I’m sorry I’ve been so…” Ben chuckled, eyes stopping at Justin’s open mouth. “… that I’ve been such a jackass. You don’t deserve it.” He ran his fingers up the bare skin of Justin’s back, hiking the shirt hem upward.

“No big deal.” Justin shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m used to it.” His body was becoming very aware of Ben’s strength… _the warmth_ … that never-ending tenderness, in touch and caress.

“No one your age should be ‘USED TO’ anything.”

Justin didn’t know why, but that comment irked him, more than everything else Ben had said. His whole body shoved Ben backward, catching him unawares. “I’m not a fuckin’ kid!”

Ben awkwardly snickered, watching the near predatory look cross over Justin's features. “I know… believe me… I know…” He let out a heavy sigh, then began to stare rudely. “… I don’t need you in that way…” Now _that_ was boldface lie if he’d ever told one.

“Why not?” Justin started to breathe erratically. “When I’m here already…” He took his shirt by the hem and pulled it off and over his head, throwing the material away in the distance. “… an’ more than willin’ to help you.” He advanced on Ben, sending him to walk in a semi-circle around the room, backwards. Ben accidentally bumped, then fell onto the benchseat at the end of the bed. Justin had hoped, one day, he could being this way with Brian. Somehow -- _in the back of his mind_ \-- Justin always knew it was useless and futile. Brian already had someone to fill that part of him. Sex with Brian was a release, a way to curb the feel, the want. Justin could have been _any_ twink in Brian’s bed. He knew Ben saw _**him**_ , watched him stare intently, on occasion, and knew he was fighting a losing battle of carnal desire.

Ben allowed himself to be pushed around, cleverly manipulated. He was curious, he had to admit. He wanted to see how far Justin would go. How serious and genuine he was. He was willing to hear anything he said to clue in on what he was feeling at the moment.

Justin climbed on top of Ben, forcing him to lean back, elbows on the footboard of the bed frame. He straddle the thick hips, knees to the cushion. “I know you want me.” The fingers deftly worked at undoing his own pants, lowering the zipper. “I’m still unsure if you want to fuck me. I _do_ know you wanna watch me.” He stood on his knees, high above Ben and slowly lowered his trousers, smoothing a hand down his torso and over his hidden bulge. “ _… Ben…_ ” He groaned out on a strangled noise. “ _… I’m so fuckin hot for you…_ ” The hand slipped under the elastic band of his undershorts. He palmed his erection under the tight cotton, thumb playing over the rounded head. “ _I’m… wet… for you…_ ” He brought up his hand, licking the pre-cum off his thumb pad, then slowly ran his flat palm down his chest, from collarbone to belly button. His hips thrust as he moaned out his pleasure. “It’s okay to want me this way. I wanna-- I want to be there, for you.” He bent forward, hovering over Ben and started kissing from hairline and over brow. “I want to help you.” Down temple and along the cheek. “… if only to, momentarily, help you… _forget_ …” He moved upright, fitting his thumbs at the waistband of the briefs and tugged them off his body in an erotic tease. He bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes.

Before Ben could actually touch him, Justin slid down off the bench, clothes pooling at his feet and standing gloriously naked and erect, stroking himself and playing at the base of his cock. “ _Oh… oh gawd…_ ” He quickly crumbled to his knees, on the carpet and spread his thighs wide. He pretended he was straddling a man and slowly sliding down on a cock, letting the wide girth fill him deeply. “ _… oh gawd… baby… feels so good…_ ” The fantasy began with a fuzzy vision of Brian, then took a massive spin into an erotic anonymous fuck Justin had at a well-known gloryhole. He recalled the initial pain of the thick organ, but then the awesome power of being split open and every piece of him inside feeling friction… _feeling pleasure_. So real was the feeling… _the sensation_ … he opened his eyes and looked over at Ben, who was now leaning forward, low over his lap and groin, elbows on knees and hands clasped together, tight.

Justin cried out in the shift in the fantasy… of wanting Ben’s cock to fill him… spill inside of him. The denial of that very action sent him spiraling, setting off a chain of actions, and reactions, that would carry him into one of the most empowering, exhilarating orgasms he had felt in a long time. As he was feeling the sharp burn of pressure in his groin, filling his cock with semen, Justin walked on his knees toward Ben. He slipped up along the legs and bumped his head with Ben's face; only their lips met in a rough, wet kiss. Justin still continued to jerk himself, harder and harder each time, feeling the wild and perplexing force of Ben’s lips on his. He could only dream of what the body could do to him, when they actually fucked.

Ben dropped to the floor, on his own knees, grabbing each of Justin’s legs and wrapping them around his waist. Justin used Ben’s upper torso to balance his body and began to slam into Ben’s clothed one. There was something kinkier than last night, of now one of them being completely naked, while the other was completely clothed. They embraced tighter and tighter as Justin kept thrusting into Ben’s clothed groin. Especially the jeans, where the rough denim helped tug on the loose skin. “ _Oh, yeah…_ ” He rose higher to clamp hands under Ben’s ribcage. “ _… yes, yes, yes, yes…_ ” He bent over, canting and crying out his growing euphoria. “ _… watch me… watch me cum for you… watch me cum at the thought of your throbbing cock up my young tight hole…_ ” The dirty talk helped Justin peak. He was close, _damn close_ , to shattering to pieces. He finally helped Ben remove his own shirt, showing off the gorgeous muscular chest and rippled abs. He sat up, away from Ben, left hand around the base of his own cock, his right hand jerking himself off to direct the flow of semen on the light tanned bare skin. “ _… Oh god!…_ ” He squeezed his butt cheeks, thrusting forward as he ejaculated once -- _a quick spurt_ \-- then three more times, until he was leaking one single stream of cum over his formed fist.

Justin had no explanation from where this came from… neither the moment, itself, or his actions. He was drenched in sweat, some of it dropping out of his hair and leaking into his eyes. Ben brought over his shirt to wipe at Justin’s perspiring brow. _Why had this kind of sexual energy burst out of him now?_ Justin felt Ben’s hands on him, sliding in to soothe and caress the inner portion of his thighs. He quivered and sat down on Ben’s crotch. “… did you-?” He felt his body sag, feeling exhaustion set in.

“… how could I not?” Ben rose upright, his chest merging with Justin’s moist one. “… that… was fuckin’ hot…”

Justin was still out of breath. “Did it… did it make you happy?” It was all he seemed to care about… making Ben happy. That he was here, alive and healthy, ready and willing to be, and take whatever Justin needed to give him.

“… very, VERY… happy…” Ben reached around to palm Justin’s bare bottom. He spread open the cheeks, fitting cool air between the bare legs, through and over his wet cock and balls. “You are certainly _**not**_ a ‘kid’ in some aspects. I won’t make that mistake again.” He kept an arm up Justin back and tipped him over, backward, to lay on the floor, hovering above him. He dipped his head, licking at a pink pert nipple, kissing the bare flesh with his tongue and open lips. “I’d clean you off myself--” He moved up to whisper these words over Justin’s open mouth. “… _maybe one day I will_ … but looks like we’ll have to take another shower.”

“ _… oh, darn…_ ” Justin threaded his fingers through the thick dirty blond locks, then yanked hard, causing Ben to crane his neck at the force. “No more talk of death and dying tonight, huh? We’re both here. Alive. Let’s jus’ savor the moments.”

Ben couldn’t help but agree as he nodded his head. “ _… an’ each other…_ ”

“I’m here for you. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“What about-?” _Good Ole What’s-His-Name?_

“He’s in New York. I’m with you.” Justin scraped a hand under Ben’s chin, taunting him to kiss him, which he did. “I’m not even sure he was ever present, not like you are.”

“I can’t-- there are no guarantees with me. Doubtful about the promises I could make, either. We have proof enough how fragile Life can be.”

“As long as everything is well-intentioned… I’m good.”

“In case you’re wondering about me, Michael and I are not an item.”

“Oh?” Justin smiled, tightening the grip of his legs about Ben’s body above him.

“I can only wait so long before I have to move on. Though I know I’ve lost a great thing, I can’t hang on and obsess. Takes too much energy to want someone who obviously doesn’t want you the same. Or doesn’t need you the way you hoped to be needed.”

Justin nodded his head in agreement, taking a hard swallow of air, as he shook from the knowledge that _**that**_ comment could mean _**him**_ , not just Michael. “You are so right, Professor Bruckner.”

“Why… thank you, Mr. Taylor.” Ben stared down at Justin intensely. “I mean that, in every way imaginable. You took my mind off everything and allowed me to relieve a great stress that would’ve eaten at me all night long. It’s hard not to focus on the negatives… _of them no longer being here._ Clutching at the sadness, because that doesn’t say much for my own fate.” He felt the desperate grasp of Justin’s hands on his face. “ _… hey, hey, hey…_ I’m getting to discover I think I know why this happened… and it’s okay…” He pressed a chaste kiss to Justin’s lips. “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if the tables were turned, either. In such a short time, you’ve come to mean a lot to me too.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why?” Ben furrowed his brow in confusion.

“I don’t want you to worry about me, in light of you.”

“I’d rather be doing that than constantly thinking about only myself. Promise me…” Ben nudged his nose into Justin’s cheek. “… swear to me that once I’m squared away, we’ll take care of you next.” He let his hand slip back to skim along the scalp and the portion of Justin’s head that had been injured. “I don’t even want to think of how I could lose you, when I’m the sick one.”

Arms around Ben’s thick neck, Justin smiled goofily up into Ben’s face. “…. I promise… an’… you’re welcome… this whole moment has been my pleasure.” Literally, over and over again.

“God… you ain’t fuckin’ kiddin’…” Ben was certain Justin probably was still a little effected by the aftermath of his orgasm. So he hefted Justin into his arms, legs about his waist and carried him that way, with Justin hugging him from the front. Plopping him feet first on the floor, Justin got into the shower stall, turning on the water. Ben undressed the last of his clothing, throwing dirty clothes in the hamper. He would take care of the others later. He strolled, relaxed and calm, but naked, in behind Justin, who was already soaping himself up. Ben conformed his hands around the perfect pale white globes, aligning their bodies front to back, then shoved them both under the shower spray… nearly drowning them both, but catching Justin’s laughter in another sloppy, extremely wet kiss. They couldn’t keep their hands and lips off one another…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin dropped onto the couch, one leg bent under him and the other foot planted flat to the cushions. He had brought his own set of clothes, but he couldn’t help digging through Ben’s things. Everything was practical, warm and ruggedly male. He was wearing a Carnegie Mellon sweatshirt with his own sweatpants. He picked up the remote, turning on the TV. He found some interesting historical documentary and left it on as he leaned back to wait for Ben to return from the kitchen.

After their mutual shower, then the second jerking off session they had… they finally came back to the dinner table, once dressed. They shared their day’s activities together, while eating the meal Justin had cooked. Justin found himself intrigued by Ben’s mention of the staff meeting. Sounded particularly meaningful, since someone important was retiring. There was the possibility of a “slot” opening up on the Board of Directors and Justin could hear Ben’s tone -- _he was seriously thinking of applying_. Ben had three strikes against him ; four, if you counted one as him being an open homosexual. He had very little tenure, compared to other members. He was fifteen years younger than the board’s youngest member and… Ben’s future, with his poor health outlook, was iffy, at best.

Justin told Ben to still try for it, what would it hurt? Then he attempted to play up the fact that Ben could make that “change” he’d been thinking about, if he genuinely felt like paving the roads for future prospects following him. Everyone died eventually. Those Board of Director members wouldn’t be there forever.

Ben carried out their mugs. This time both hot tea. He set them on the coffee table, moving around to pick up the pile of mail and his satchel. Once he sat down, he pushed forward to use the coffee table as a desktop. “What are we watching?”

“Documentary on World War II.” Justin moved to pick up the TV guide. “I didn’t see anything much else to grab both our attentions.”

Ben chuckled deeply, making a pile of bills and garbage of the mail he was looking over. “I don’t care what’s on. I’ll probably go write for awhile, once I’m done here.”

“In the bedroom?”

“Eh… I can write anywhere. Depends on what I’m writing. If I need silence and privacy… or not…”

“You usually write out here, in the living room, don’t you?”

“Nah…” Ben shook his head, not looking at Justin. “… not really.”

“Liar.” Justin unbent both legs to shuffle over, close to Ben’s side. “I’m not really watching this. I could do my own schoolwork, if you wanted me to turn the TV off.”

Ben felt Justin lean on his arm again. This time, he bent forward and kissed the lips longingly, Justin sighing into his mouth as he lightly touched his face. “You can finish this show.” He gestured to all that he had around him already. “I’ve got papers and a few quizzes to grade, still.”

“Cool.” Justin slid his hand over Ben’s thigh, tucking his fingers in between the muscular legs. “Mind if I use you?”

“Huh?” Ben choked out the question, not sure he heard correctly.

“As a model. For a project in class.” Justin smirked, knowing the first question baffled Ben, probably making him stiff. “I wanna use you as my ‘subject’.”

“I don’t pose nude.”

Justin pouted only slightly. That wasn’t his question. “Mmm… damn shame…” He pat the legs in sympathy as he stood to get his backpack. His sketch pad was inside the second bag, a larger leather case that held artwork. He picked out his drawing pencils, as well.

“May I ask…?” Ben leaned back, his eyes following Justin’s movements around the apartment. “Why me?”

Justin chuckled, sniffling air out of his nostrils. “Why the fuck _**not**_ you? You’re built like a motherfuckin’ Greek God. Like Michaelangelo in the flesh.”

Ben had the gall to blush, feeling warmth enter his face at the compliment. He knew he looked good, but that old self-esteem issue from his youth plagued him. Inside, he’d always be that sad, introvert fat kid who had no friends… a drunk father and a mother who abandoned him when life took a turn for the worst for the family. “That’s not why you chose me… is it?”

“No… don’t worry. This will be a toga-n-leaf free drawing.”

Ben softly snickered, shaking his head. “What’s the class?”

“ **Art in Still Life.** Probably one of my few art classes I actually enjoy.”

“What’s wrong with the others?”

“I dunno. I’ve heard that if the talents you have are put into the skills of learning _actual_ art techniques… they could be ruined, instead of improved.”

“Ah… **if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it** …”

“Yeah…” Justin chuckled lightly, face close to his sketch pad.

“Why do you stay if it’s not to your liking?”

“I’d be letting people down. Mainly Mom… an’, uhm… Brian.”

“Was it all him? Paying your tuition? Nothing was from scholarships?”

“My artwork got me into PIFA, but the fact I’ve been there nearly two semesters and still haven’t caved in conforming my own work… I think it helps to have the financial backing.”

“Ahh… clearly, he’s making a wise investment in you.”

“Pardon me?” Justin’s head shot up in confusion. _Was Ben teasing him or was he being real?_ He almost sounded a bit ticked off. “What do you mean?”

“Brian is a business man at heart. Even way above what he genuinely feels. He helps pay your way through school. Not only do you end up owing him instead of PIFA, you could bring him in lots-n-lots of money, in very many ways.”

“Are you serious? How could he-? I’m not even thinking _that_ far ahead into my future.”

“Brian is a smart, savvy man, Justin. No matter how much you keep thinking you’re just like him, he’ll always be several steps ahead of you.”

Justin went still, pencil unmoving. “I’m not--” He rubbed a hand over his brow. “I know I’m not brilliant to some degree. I think I understand what you’re saying, but could you…” He licked his lips, slinking closer to Ben, keeping his head bowed. “… could you possibly give me an example of what you mean?”

“Okay… say someone, in a major art gallery in New York City, sees one of your pieces. This ‘someone’ is a prospective client of Brian’s. The Client's done his research to discover the ties that bind you two together. He doesn’t care about you or Brian, whatever’s going on there. Brian meets with The Client and The Client happens to mention liking and being interested in buying one of your works. The Client is rich… very lucrative step for Brian to acquire him. He tells The Client he can talk you into lowering the price, work out some ‘deal’ – _I scratch your back, you scratch mine_. Now, it’s up to Brian in how much money he’s promised to ask for the painting, which is either good or bad for you. But the worst comes when you realize the amounts of cash that The Client brings to Brian, millions and millions of dollars you never see. You would never know the profits you’ve lost, ones you could’ve gained by sellin’ it yourself and takin’ Brian out of the equation.”

“He’s really not that self-centered, Ben. He does care about me, he just--”

“… on his own terms, though…”

“ _… shit…_ ”

“Look, honestly, I would hope I’ve been wrong about him. For both you and Michael’s sakes.”

“Brian would _never_ do that to Michael.”

“Can you really say the same for yourself, then?”

“No… no, I guess I can’t.”

Ben noticed how Justin had paused in his sketching. “C’mon… keep drawing. I’m kind of eager to see what you’ll come up with.” He changed the topic back to the art class. “What’s the point of the project?’

“Oh, uhm…” Justin bit his lip, wondering if he should actually mention the _exact_ topic. It would be too real, displaying his confusing feelings for Ben. “… something we ‘see’ every day… _person, place, thing_. We’re supposed to take the moment we see them, draw it in an abstract form.”

“Like Picasso? Melting clocks and eyes on the side of my head?”

Justin put a hand to his chest in deep chuckles. “… hehehe… no, not quite. Maybe I should’ve said… put the subjects in another setting. Do the opposite of what you see. Say… if I see you happy, I sketch you sad.”

“Oh… well, that’s cool. Now I’m even more excited.” Ben sat forward again, lost in the mail he was opening.

“May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Look at me for a few minutes. I wanna see your features up close.”

“Okay… hold on…” Ben got everything on the coffee table surface he needed. He stood, bent his right leg and sat semi-Indian style, facing Justin. “Is this good?” The “nod” from Justin told Ben he was fine, so he shifted as near as their bodies would allow. He was a bit disturbed, at first, the way Justin stared, then drew. The way he touched his face, as if “feeling” the shape, then doodled. Ben felt the need to close his lids, his body reacting. It wasn’t anything more than feeling neglected and unwanted, because of the stigma in the HIV POZ disease. Of some men being afraid of touching him, and others -- _the random “bug chaser”_ \-- wanting him way too much, but for all the wrong reasons.

Justin’s touch was calm and cool, trying not to seem like he needed the excuse to caress Ben, then the fingers skimmed with affection… gentle and light, attempting to linger. “Okay! Thanks!” He quickly spun away, setting the pad on the coffee table and sliding to sit on the floor. He stretched his legs out under the coffee table.

Ben had been willing to allow Justin to keep on touching him, but he really needed to grade those papers and tests. He truly had been looking forward to writing tonight, as well. The longer he waited, the more he found he had to get the words out of him. Remaining in the same position he’d been in, Ben dragged his satchel onto the couch and dug around to find his class papers and his pens and a red Sharpie marker. He lifted up his left leg, onto the cushions and settled into the corner of the couch.

They were like that for a near hour. Justin lowered the volume on the next documentary, then stood to refresh his hot tea and grab a snack from the kitchen. He offered to get Ben anything he wanted; Ben declined, thanking him. He would finish grading the quizzes, then he was on to the students' papers, which was taking awhile to read all of them and correct the grammatical errors and theory-based subject matter.

When Justin returned, he had another mug of hot tea and a bowl of trail mix, which he set on the coffee table to munch on. He removed Ben’s leg, for a brief second, sitting down on the couch. He replaced the leg across his lap, using Ben’s calf to balance his sketch pad on. Ben smiled sweetly, knowing how “lost” one could become in a creative flowing moment. They’d been in deep silence for almost going on an hour and ten minutes.

“… Justin?”

“Hmm?” Justin lifted an eyebrow in question, not looking away from his sketch pad.

“Were you serious about talking to your mother for me?”

Justin broke contact with his drawing, bouncing his head on the back of the couch. “Yes. She’s often told me to be on the lookout for potential new clients. You’d be perfect for her.” He bit at his bottom lip. “… mmm… I should say she’d be perfect for you.” He soothed his hand up and down Ben’s leg, over the clothes he was wearing.

“Give me her number…” Ben was pulling out a slip of blank paper to write the number down on. “… an’ I’ll call her by the end of next week.”

“What time is it now?”

“I dunno. Close to 10-10:30, I assume. Could be a little earlier.”

“I could call her right now.” Justin leaned over to grab his backpack with his big toe, dragging it close. “She’s probably got her office number to voicemail.”

“No… no. Let me do this on my own. I don’t want her to--”

“Ben, you won’t get me into trouble. She’s kind of learned to back away from _that_ part of my life.”

“I don’t need her to think I have some ulterior motive. Other than finding a new place to live.”

“Why would she think anything more than that? Unless you plan on telling her… about stuff…”

“Do you want me to?”

“Only if she asks up front. She’s not--she’s not as bad as my father. She’d understand, though.”

“Would she? Really?”

“You don’t want me there, do you?’

“Where?”

“When you two meet.”

“I’d like for her and I to get to know one another. I wouldn’t want her to have a warped opinion of me, before I’ve opened my mouth.”

“She knows who you are, Ben. She’s seen you with Michael. I’m sure you’ll be safe from ridicule.”

“I don’t want you hurt, Justin.”

“Mmm… I know you don’t, but it’s inevitable on some level. No matter how hard you want to protect me.”

“I don’t…” Ben heavily sighed, shaking his head in confusion. “I’m not sure I know what I want. Not sure what’s happening here. I’m less unsure about you. You being with Brian, still… and that… I won’t do this if--”

“I know, I know… but I’m in the same predicament. Except I think… _even though you say you an’ Michael are over_ … you’re still hung-up on him. An’, _I don’t know_ , you’re pretty fuckin’ intense for a calm, cool dude. You scare me.’

“I don’t mean to. Who knows what’s possible.”

“Never know unless we try.”

“So…?”

“… yeah… soooo…”

**~~TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

 

At eleven-thirty, Ben moved his work into his bedroom. Turning on his bedside lamp, he put on his wire-frames and threw back the covers. He dressed down to only his white boxer briefs and crawled into bed. He didn’t pull the sheets over him, he went right back into writing. He was halfway through this new legal pad, he’d brought another with him, just in case he got inspired. 

At midnight, or thereabouts, he found a place to stop and decided to venture out into the rest of the apartment. Justin had fallen asleep, curled up on the opposite end, of the couch, where Ben had sat. The TV was off, a lone lamp hue-ing the room in a soft glow. He trudged into the kitchen, turning on the overhead light and went for his nightly dose of medications. He took out a short glass, poured out some apple juice and downed the two pills. He shut off the kitchen light and walked out, pacing into the living room. He swore he was only going to make sure Justin was alright, sleeping peacefully… but he ended up staring, hanging over the back of the couch. It wasn’t that Justin was slumbering in a terrible position, it’s only that when Ben thought about it, looking down at the quiet pose… he could see Justin wrenching his head or neck somehow by sleeping in a weird angle, for too long of a time. No wonder he kept waking up so often. He began to think that maybe, sometimes, Justin had questionable headaches he couldn’t put excuses for. Not only was he tired and exhausted all the time… _was he in pain?_

Ben couldn’t stand the worry and fretting anymore. No more sleeping on the couch for Justin. He leaned his elbows on the cushions, then sent one hand down to run his fingers over Justin’s exposed flushed cheek. “ _… Justin…_ ” He called out softly, hushed in the light darkness. “ _… baby… come on…_ ” Now he reached down to gently shake the bare shoulder. “ _… wake up…_ ”

“ _… huh?… wha-?_ ” Justin squinted, using a hand to shield his eyes, allowing them to adjust in the semi-dark. That word “baby” uttered from those lips, and with that tone, he could forgive Ben anything. Even waking him up out of a dead sleep, where he was having a really great dream.

“C’mon… get up…” Ben peeled off the blankets, stealing the pillow, as well. Like he was taking everything back he had kindly handed Justin.

Clad only in his underwear, Justin sat up, hair spiked in disarray. “Why? Where’m I goin’?” He’d been warm under those covers, now he rubbed his biceps of the chill in the air.

“Bed. With me.” Ben came around the side of the couch to help an extremely groggy Justin along the way. “To sleep, Mr. Taylor. No ‘funny’ business.”

“No even if I beg?” Justin’s voice sounded rough to his own ears, deep and gravely.

“Eh… we’ll see…” Ben winked down at Justin, combing back the wayward tangles.

Justin stopped in the middle of the floor. “Back to being platonic friends who sometimes make each other cum?”

“No need to be a smart-ass.” Ben pulled back the rest of the blankets on the bed for Justin.

“Okay, Professor Bruckner. You win, but… I’m not apologizing for anything that could happen out of my control. I’m not comfortable enough with the way your body reacts next to mine. So… just in case _**you**_ initiate anything ‘funny’… I’m not feeling an ounce of guilt in the morning.”

“That’s pretty much what I’m thinking too. Don’t worry, though, I’m not that scary to be in bed with.”

“You have no idea, Benjamin… _no fuckin’ idea_.” Justin grumbled, shaking his head as he made his way to the opposite side from Ben. “I think, maybe… you like it that way.”

“Yeah? Do I?” Ben liked this bantering/bickering across the bed about… _nothing._ Well, not nothing, because it was about them, but just… _yeah_ … he liked it a lot.

“You say you want love -- _a partner in your bed_ \-- but you got all these…” Justin was shaping his hands in the air, around Ben in the distance. “… boundaries and walls you never tell men they need to climb in order to get to your side.” He jumped onto the mattress on his knees. “You say just enough to make them feel like you’re theirs, and they’re yours, _but they aren’t really? Are they?_ ”

“You mean Michael again?”

“ _Whatever_ , dude.” Justin flopped down on his back, crossing ankles and folding his hands over his belly. “I mean… _anybody_ Even little ole me.” He yawned over that last portion.

Ben crawled into bed, one leg first then slid his entire body onto his back. “There’s nothing wrong with finding out if men are worth the hassle.”

“Hmm… simply to end up dying alone? Seems kind of sad… an’ pathetic. Maybe that’s what drew you to Michael.”

“Oh? _What exactly?_ ”

Justin tucked a hand under his cheek and rolled over to his right side, facing Ben. “Make the one man who has the biggest heart fall in love with you. Test Fate… an’ all those wonderful workings of your Buddha dude…” He smiled when Ben chuckled deeply, mostly because Ben rolled onto his left side, facing him and tucked a pillow under his own cheek. “… to tell you what’s right or wrong, for you. What happened to just having a feelin’ an’ fuckin ownin’ the bitch, when you make a mistake?”

“My, my, my… Mr. Taylor… you’re awfully philosophical when you’re drowsy.”

“Cut me some fuckin’ slack… I was bashed in the head with a Louisville Slugger. Things got jumbled about in all that empty space.” Justin yawned again, bigger than before, his lashes falling to his cheeks.

Ben slinked closer, almost nose to nose with Justin. “I’m glad you made it through.” He was… _he really, really was_.

“Happy _someone_ is.” Justin mumbled out as he rolled more into his hand and pillow.

“Sleep well, Justin.”

“Plan on it… g’night, Ben…”

Ben lowered his head to press a soft, chaste kiss to Justin’s temple as he buried his face in the sweet smelling hair. He could hear the light snores already sounding, of Justin falling deeper into sleep. “Game on… Mr. Taylor…” He let his nose tip skim over the ear lobe, gently throwing out his threat. He reached down to grab the sheets, covering them both, then next came the comforter, which he just brought only so far, in case they were hot in the middle of the night. He went to lay back, half on his stomach, pillow tucked under his face, only so he could watch Justin slumbering peacefully as he fell asleep himself.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **Next afternoon…**

“Will you _stop_ already! You’re starting to make _**me**_ nervous.” Ben reached over to rest a hand on Justin’s bouncing knee. He was trying to fill out a check off list the doctor’s office always made him fill to see how he’d been doing the few months between now and the last appointment.

“Sorry. Force of habit.” Justin turned a bit to huddle under the arm Ben had put around the back of the small sofa they were seated on. He let his gaze wander about the waiting room, wondering if _everyone_ was here for the same reason Ben was. No one looked at anyone else; no one was nosy or cared. Besides a straight married couple and a Mom and her two kids, Justin was the only one in the room who looked out of place. Granted, he looked like a teenager in high school, but people probably thought he was Ben’s son or little brother. He suddenly wondered if Ben often did this trip himself, despite the anxiety he must feel. Tucking his body further under Ben’s arm, close to his side, Justin realized the significance of the moment.

“Babe… are you cold?” Ben was already slipping out of his jacket, when he felt Justin pat a spot on his body.

Justin was going to have to get used to those words -- “Baby”, “Babe”. He smiled reassuringly at Ben. “No I’m fine, really.” He was fine, never been better. Except for being in a doctor’s office waiting room, anticipating the worst. It overwhelmed him how easily Ben invited him into his life, opening a private part of himself to vulnerability in order for Justin to understand him better. He twisted to gaze at Ben’s profile, then leaned his brow on the strong cheek as Ben dipped his head to concentrate on filling out the paper. He slipped his hand between Ben’s thighs, rubbing up and down. “ _Christ! Is it always like this?_ ”

Ben glanced up quickly, making one head turn to view the room. “It’s worse when you don’t know test results. Now, this is just what they call _palliative care._ ” He caught Justin’s frown out the side of his eyes. “It means there’s no cure for what I have, but they tend to my needs anyway. Doing what they can to alleviate any pain I might be suffering.” He let his arm fall onto Justin’s shoulders, encircled his body completely to hold him close. “Every couple of months, I get my blood drawn a week before my scheduled appointment. When I walk through this door, we find out how well my HIV med cocktail has worked this time. Depending on my lab results, the Doc’ll adjust doses or try me on new medications.”

“T-cell counts and viral loads… all that kind stuff.”

“Yeah…”

Justin placed his head on Ben’s chest, bringing up his hand to soothe over the button down shirt Ben wore. He fisted the material under his fingers, tight, never wanting to let go. “Never gonna be a cure, huh?”

“Not in my lifetime. Maybe yours.”

“ _Shit!_ ” Justin lifted his head to nestle his face into Ben’s neck. “You aren’t _**that**_ older than me, Professor Bruckner.”

Ben turned to press a kiss on Justin’s skin, keeping his lips on the surface as he shut his eyes. The light blond locks tickled under his nose. “You make me second-guess that every minute I’m with you, but then I--”

 _“Benjamin Bruckner!?!”_ The glass partition slid open, a booming voice called out into the waiting area. 

“… that’s me…” Ben only shifted a bit, planting both feet on the floor.

Justin keep hold of Ben’s hand. “I’m too scared to let you go in there.”

Ben squeezed Justin’s hand. “Come with me.”

Justin’s eyes went wide with shock, jaw going slack. “Into your appointment?! With your doctor?!”

“Yes…” Ben smiled, detaching himself as he stood upright, he walked over to the glass window, returning the pen and clipboard to the desk clerk. “Which room?”  
 _  
“Room 4, Mr. Bruckner. I’ll just need your co-pay when you come back to schedule your next appointment.”_

“Uh…” Ben went stiff, unable to speak. “… I have it set up directly with my MasterCard. I usually…”

Justin strolled up to Ben’s side, listening closely.  
 _  
“Yes, Mr. Bruckner, I am well aware of your arrangement. That particular card has been denied twice…”_

Justin furrowed his brow in confusion. “What?”

“Wait… wait…” Ben put a hand to his forehead, a little embarrassed. “… I’ve been paying my…” Then he sighed, waving his hand in the air. “Never mind…” He pulled out his wallet, looking through his cash.  
 **  
** ** _“Do you have another credit card? We, also, take check and cash…”_**

Ben scratched a thumbnail over his eyebrow. The cash in his wallet was only allotted to him for the week. He’d taken out some extra, since he wanted to treat Justin to some meals a few nights this week. His budget was tight around his doctor’s appointments. “… yeah, I know that…”

Justin stepped up to Ben’s body, tugging on his jacket sleeve. “Go ahead in, Ben. I’ll follow you.”

Ben stared down into trusting blue eyes. “Justin, I don’t…”

“I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. Go on. He’s probably already in there… waiting for you.” Justin was pushing and shoving Ben out of the way, while smiling down at the desk clerk with his charming personality in full mode.

“I’ll pay you back.”

“You just get an A+ on all your tests. That will be enough payment for me.”

Ben left, reluctantly, behind the lone door. Justin took out his own wallet and checkbook. “How much is it, again?” When he heard the amount, he frowned. It was an awfully high payment for someone having insurance. He decided that his bank account was set up for emergencies, but his father never told him the “emergency” had to be his problem. _Christ! What in the hell was Ben hiding?_

When he made it to the room, Ben had changed into a pale pastel hospital gown, having tied the gown backwards. He was seated on the cushioned table with the strip of white tissue paper down the center. Justin walked over to lean on the wall, so Ben could see him when he looked up.

Justin couldn’t help flashing back to this morning, when he’d woken up from nearly four hours of restful slumber and found himself in those strong arms across the way. He lay there, for another twenty minutes, until Ben awoke. They had peeled away what was left of their clothes, and after donning condoms, each sheathing the other, they had a slow leisurely humping session, where they both shared in a mutually stimulating climax. It was one of the best moments of sex Justin had ever had. Because it wasn’t about anything more than what they did to one another -- _the contact of their skin, the slight touches of each others fingers… the kissing… ugh… the kisses were the clincher_. They hadn’t moved for quite awhile, Ben having rested his head on Justin’s chest, letting him brush through his hair. They had gotten up to shower, having a light breakfast at the dinette table before Ben had to leave for his half day at work.

There was something quite mesmerizing, breathtaking about seeing Ben in this position. To know how humble he could be, despite his strengths as a gay man, as a really genuinely gentle-man. Ben was no longer wearing his brown loafers, but still in his dark green corduroy trousers. That soft button down shirt was off, that ugly-ass hospital gown was shadowing over his well-toned, muscular chest. Justin could detect the dusky pink nipples, that washboard abdominal wall… that gorgeous luster of Ben’s skin, on the cusp of being light caramel.

The nurse left and they were alone again.

“What’s going on, Ben?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your credit card. Are you _at_ or _over_ your set limit?”

“I don’t know. I have _one_ card. I only use it in emergencies. I guess I--I must’ve lost count or I’m between payments and I haven’t caught up.”

“How long has it been _this_ bad?”

“A few months.”

“Ben… _please_ …” Justin pushed off the wall, wanting to shake Ben. “… don’t lie to me. I’m here to help, in any way I can.”

“I know, I know. But if I can’t depend on myself first…”

“Don’t feed me rhetoric bullshit! You don’t pay for that card, because it’s NOT YOUR CARD, is it?”

“Wha-? Huh?”

“The card. It’s a joint account, isn’t it? From your last relationship?”

Ben folded and tucked his arms over his front. “ _ **He**_ promised.” He shook his head, lowering his eyes. “This was going to be _his way_ of making amends to me. _His way_ of helping me get through this, since he was the one who put me here.”

“You mean… the mother fucker who infected you. You let him--you still--?”

“People shouldn’t throw stones in glass houses, Justin.”

“Ben…” Justin gripped around Ben’s shoulder joints. “… you knew what I was going through with Brian, huh? You knew, because it was right where you were two years ago? Where you still seem to be?”

“Even the strongest people have their weakest moments.” Ben bent forward, brow on Justin’s shoulder. “It goes farther back than that. He enthralled me from the start. He didn’t take my virginity, but he might as well have. I was _**his**_ … an’ he knew it. No matter who I fucked… _and believe me, I did_ … he knew when he needed me, I would be there. So he took advantage of that… _my feelings_ … his _warped_ sense of love for me.”

Justin was amazed and stunned to be hearing this. It nearly broke his heart. To think… Ben was almost thirty-three years old, and up until two years ago, he was still weak for a man who’d been in his life since he’d come out. “You love him? Still?” It also broke his heart because… _what room was left for him?_

“Eh… I’m not convinced I knew what love really was back then. I’d been out for a few years already when we met. I just-- he was beautiful and perfect to me from the minute we locked eyes. Not saying he was an angel, _he could be such a fuckin’ asshole to me_ , but I cut him slack. I thought _**his**_ idea of love _was_ love.” Ben could tell that Justin’s concentrated gaze was deep and serious. He wondered if Justin could hear himself in his own words. “I thought he wanted the same things I did. I’d never fallen like that, ever. That hard… so strongly. I gave myself over to him, after years of teasing and taunting him. He used protection, at first, then the more experienced he became, the more I kept walking away. I _did_ trust him. If we were together, I was his center of attention, no one else mattered…”

“ _How did he--?_ ”

“I loved him so much… trusted him so implicitly to know what was best. He made me keep believing in us. But… he wanted me to ‘prove’ how much I truly love him, because… sometimes words aren’t enough for some people. I paid with my life on one bad decision.”

Justin moved to sit next to Ben on the cushion, allowing him to lean into his body. “… and others… like you an’ me… sometimes the words are all we have, when the actions contradict.”

Ben let his gaze drift over to Justin, knowing he was bringing up their histories with their fathers. He brought a hand up to play at the back of Justin’s hair, letting out a deep sigh of contentment. “ _… yeah…_ even if we’re too frightened to admit them, we feel them.”

“Ben, I…” Justin reached out to press a hand on Ben’s thigh, but the door opened and the doctor strolled in. He put away his hand and slid off the table.

“Benjamin! How are we this afternoon?!” The older man held out his hand toward Ben.

Ben shook the offer hand. “Good, Doctor Hines. Really good.”

“Great. Glad to hear that. How’ve the dosage adjustments been working?”

“Eh… took awhile for them to work, but… after a few bouts of nausea, I was fine.”

Dr. Hines nodded his head as he wrote in the clipboard chart. “Any more dizziness? Fainting spells? The headaches gone, as well?”

Justin wandered away, to stand off to the side. He was shocked by Ben’s admittance of all those side effects. He sure hadn’t been effected while they’d been together. _Or had he and never said a word?_

“… yeah, yeah… better than I was…”

Dr. Hines smirked, then winked. “… but not _great_ or _fabulous_?”

“I don’t know if that’s possible at this point.”

“Well…” Dr. Hines was pulling out papers, then flipping through some. “I’ve been looking over your labs taken last week, comparing them to your older ones from the last appointment. There have been some minor shifts in values, but for the most part nothing detrimental or life-threatening.”

“But…”

Dr. Hines chuckled deeply, shaking his head. “Aww… Benjamin, you know me too well.” He nodded his head in agreement. “I’m not pleased with one result.”

“Bad or good news?”

“Oh, so-so. Bit of both, actually. I’d like to adjust _one_ of your meds. We’ll take away two and replace them with a newer drug, which should take away the problem in two weeks.”

“Is it that one you’ve wanted to put me on?’

“Yes. I think you’re ready. The two blood values needed to acquire the drug are at a comparable level and you’re eligible for the treatment. Lucky for us, it does the work of the two drugs we took away.”

“What about interactions? I know that’s one of the things you were worried about.”

“That’s why we took away the other two meds. There’s some minimal reaction to the rest of the cocktail you’re on. More of the usual side effects, but they wear off once you’ve been on the drug for fifteen to twenty days.”

“ _Ugh…_ that’s a little longer than I expected.”

“Benjamin, I’ve told you… we can always do this under a controlled and monitored hospital stay. My staff can supervise you until things are--”

Ben was already shaking his head in disagreement, adamant that such a costly stay would never be in his budget. “And I told you I can’t do that, Dr. Hines. I don’t have that kind of medical leave. An’ I can’t afford that long of a hospital stay.”

“Your apprehension worries me. I want to give you the best care possible. I know this isn’t the remedy we were hoping for, but I want to make life comfortable for you.”

“I do _fine_ , Dr. Hines. I know I’ll never be completely perfect, again.”

Justin cleared his throat. “I’ll do it.”  
 _  
“Huh?”  
“Justin… baby, don’t…”_

Justin shrugged his shoulders. “I can leave school for awhile.”

“No. I can’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not. I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I want to… an’ you need me, Ben. I want you better too. In fact, I want you around when I graduate. I want you around as long as possible.”

Ben glanced at Dr. Hines. “Can you… give me a few minutes?”

“Sure. How’s fifteen sound?”

“Thanks.” Ben waited until the door shut closed before he looked over at Justin. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m making my life matter… because you matter to me.”

“Justin, we’re not--”

“We ARE. And you know it. We just don’t feel safe saying anything right now because we’re both still caught up in something else. But, truthfully, this… _your health and your fight to live every day to its fullest_ … doesn’t matter what I am to you or who you are to me. Just to know you need the help, I’m free… unencumbered and I want to.”

“I don’t need your self-sacrificing pity.”

“And I don’t need or want this… _your foolish self-centered martyring_ , you do. You’re sick… so fuckin’ what? Don’t you want to get better?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So what the fuck is keeping you from doing _everything_ imaginable to prolong your life?” _A Life you could have with me…_ Justin wanted to say.

“… because…”

“… ‘cause why?”

“Because… it’s been a very long time since I’ve had something… someone… in my life to live for.”

Justin choked on his own emotion, still able to talk to Ben. “Jesus… don’t you think your life has value enough without a man?”

“I’m beginning to wonder.”

“So… let someone in, huh. Why am I the first who’s been here with you?”

“I can’t…” Ben shut his lids, shaking his head, sadly. “… I won’t let _them_ see me like _this_.”

“ _What? Human?_ ”

“No… well, yeah, obviously… but… I try hard to not be all about my HIV. I fight and I struggle on a more personal/private level.”

“So why me? Why now?”

“Because… you asked me… no one’s ever just _asked me_ to share this part of my life.”

Justin wander over, wrapping both of his arms around Ben’s hunched form. “ _Fuck…_ I’m so honored and humbled beyond words.” He kissed the hair, burying his face in the blond strands. “Hold onto me…” He felt his heart lurch when Ben did exactly as he quietly requested. “… I’m right here… not going away.”

“You’d really leave PIFA for me?”

“Consider it a temporary leave of absence. A unforeseen family emergency.”

“ _Christ!_ You’d go out on a limb for me an’ lie?”

“Half-truth. I’ll show them my key… the one to my favorite Uncle’s apartment.”

“ _Wow…_ ” Ben chuckled softly, his eyes catching Justin’s on a smirk. “… old enough to be your uncle.”

Justin clamped a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “You’d’a had to have been in junior high to be my ‘Daddy’.”

“I sure don’t feel like your father.”

“I don’t need another one. I have enough.” Justin cupped the sides of Ben’s neck. “Is there anyone else that can do this on the spur of the moment, like I can?’

“No. No one. Happy now?”

“Very. I can legally stalk you.”

“… oh joy…”

“I’ll behave.”

“Can’t promise I won’t.”

“Fifteen minutes is almost up.”

“Got time for a kiss?” Ben was already nuzzling, nudging Justin’s cheek, along his neck and nape.

“Mmm… maybe… just don’t kiss below the neck… this designer label hospital gown is making you look quite sexy… ” Justin was periodically twisting the strings around his fingers, like he could yank them and pull Ben closer.

Ben moved forward on his own…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
 **Nearly an hour later…**

“This… is embarrassing.” Ben tried hard not to look like he was ashamed, but he certainly felt it.

“Shut up.” Justin huddled into Ben’s chest. “You don’t hear me complainin’.” He was watching the interplay across the way of people working.

“I’ll pay you back.” Ben leaned into Justin’ head, pressing lips, soft, to his temple. “… I promise.” A strong arm went about Justin’s waist, under his jacket.

“I heard you the first six times.” Justin chuckled, liking the feel of an attentive Ben beside him, wiling to cash in on tons of favors he was doing for him. But, for once, it felt good to give back without expecting anything in return. Ben had helped him out, so it wasn’t difficult to shell out money to help Ben along, during this important time.

“Are you…? Is this Brian’s money?” Ben had been curious, since Justin felt so free with paying for everything.

“No. It’s legitimately mine.” _Did Ben really want to hear about his father’s “guilt” money?_ Actually it was inheritance due to him because of a family member’s death, on his father’s side. Justin had received this money when he turned eighteen, before Brian paid for his college education at PIFA. He was scared to use the money for fear his father would come after him, demanding explanations. Ben was worth the hassles he might face.

 _“BRUCKNER!”_ The Pharmacy Tech, behind the cash register, stood at the counter holding two prescription bags. 

Ben walked up to pay for his new med and the refills on his others. He snatched Justin’s hand and bolted out of the drug store. “C’mon… I owe you lunch. Your choice.”

They were standing outside, on the sidewalk, waiting for a taxi cab.

“Are you-?” Justin wasn’t willing to let go of Ben, maybe not even the rest of the day. “You going directly back to work?”

“Well…” Ben swished his head from side to side. “I was _thinking_ about it.”

“You said Holden has the rest of your class load. He’s not expectin’ you back, is he?”

“I told him I might show up.” Ben moved out, close to the edge of the sidewalk to signal for a cab.

“Let’s… go get something, bring it back to the apartment.” Justin tangled his fingers with Ben’s, gently tugging on his arm. “Or… we could grocery shop again an’ I’ll show you what else I can cook. Or…”

“Justin…” Ben wrinkled his brow with worry at Justin’s sudden ecstatic attitude shift.

“What?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I am all right. I feel good.” Ben knew Justin was wanting to live their times and days together like tomorrow never existed, but he was acting strangely. “There’s no reason to coddle me… or try to protect me.”

“But…” Justin shook his head, looking away, down the street. “… it’s not you.”

“Huh?”

“Forgive me, but you’ve given me tons to think about and take in, in over twenty-four hours.”

“… mmm…” Ben was realizing too late what all this meant to Justin. “… sorry…”

“Don’t be. A glimpse into your world is quite eye-opening to what you go through on a daily basis. I’m just… a bit overwhelmed. An’ right now I’d--I’d really like to go somewhere – _alone, with you_ \-- and hold you for a few hours.” Justin turned his face into Ben’s body, just closing his eyes and breathing him in… taking in the moment.

“You don’t have to get back to class?” Ben took their bonded hands and curved their arms around Justin’s back. He caused Justin to be pushed deep into his side and chest.

“I freed up my entire day for you.” Justin blinked those shy lashes again. “My favorite Uncle’s sick, you know.”

Ben lightly snickered, shaking his head at Justin’s eloquent ability to lie without skipping a beat. It kind of worried him. “You lie so well. Any chance of you ever doing that to me?”

“No. You’d see right through it.”

“Okay. I’ll take you to my favorite Korean bar-b-que place. We’ll order everything to go.”

“That easy? I didn’t have to beg?”

“Lucky for you, I’m beginning to feel much the same.” Ben lowered his head toward an ear. “Holding you for a few hours…” He could see a taxi from a distance, pulling up to their sidewalk. “… being alone, together… seems like exactly where I want to be.” Once the cab stopped, he opened the door for Justin. 

“Good.” Justin nodded his head, patting Ben’s chest. “That’s what I thought.”

Ben climbed in afterward, shaking his head at how Justin thought he controlled this whole scene, gotten his own way or something… when it was exactly what Ben wanted too.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

They were laying on top of the bed, clothed, after having eaten their lunch for forty-five minutes. They both started yawning, setting off a chain reaction, with added chuckling. Ben went down on the mattress first, kicking off his shoes and taking off his glasses. He was on his right side, feeling Justin crawl behind him, resting slightly higher on the pillows. Justin was conforming his front to Ben’s back, tucking arms securely about mid-torso. He locked one hand around the other wrist, burying his face in Ben’s hair. He held on as tight as he could and shut his eyes.

An hour or so later, Justin blinked his eyes open to find himself on his back. Ben was laying half on him, on the right, face turned away. A thick, muscular denim-clad leg was tucked between his own two legs. He reached up with his right hand, starting to massage Ben’s scalp. He began to feel his body churn with desire… _want_ of the man in his arms. He let his fingers tickle at the hairline, then trace along the bare nape.

Ben shifted, his own desires prominently felt against Justin’s thigh. He brought his left hand to Justin’s waistline, fingers catching on a belt loop. He flipped his head over and blinked his eyes open. His left hand tucked under the material of the shirt, attempting to reach a pink nipple. Ben rose slightly, pulling his body upward to hover over Justin’s face. He smiled innocently, but when he lowered his mouth to kiss Justin… the action was anything but innocent. Ben tweaked and played with the nipple he found, hiking the shirt fabric along the torso.

Justin rose slightly on the bed and took off his shirt, from the back, beginning to heavily breathe. “ _… I need you…_ ”

Ben grinned foolishly. “I need you, too.” He pushed their foreheads together, forcing Justin down to the mattress.  


“No one’s ever needed me before.” Justin was shaking as he helped Ben take off his shirt, button by slow button. “Not the way you do.” He slid the material off Ben’s broad shoulders, following the slow descent of the sleeves down Ben’s biceps.

“If it gets too much… you can leave at anytime. I’ll miss you… but I’ll understand.”

“No. _Never._ Now I’m fully invested in you. I can’t leave now. Maybe before, but… _today_ …” Justin shook his head adamantly. “… today showed me a side of you I wasn’t expecting. I want to get to know that Ben more.”

“Ditto for me. I’m not sure the draw you feel to me. Not sure why you stick around. I've got so many strikes against me… no one would want to spend one more second with me…”

“You’re kiddin’ me, right?”

“Good Looks… an’ great chemistry in bed only take you so far. There needs to be some _connection_ _**here**_ …” Ben cupped and shaped Justin’s head with one hand. “ _ **… and here…**_ ” He tenderly pressed both of their right breasts, over their hearts. “… then after that… _**there’s this…**_ ” He splayed a hand over Justin’s belly. “… that guttural want and desire you feel right now…”

“I think I know why?’

“Oh? Why?”

“Because… in very weird ways, I think we not only ‘see’ ourselves in each other… we _are_ each other. I’m sure tons of gay men can be compatible, because they nearly share similar lives. You actually see me, without me having to do something dramatic to make you take notice.” 

“If you say _his name_ , in this bed, I will--”

“Relax, huh. Take it easy. I’m not gonna say anything about him. For once, it’s becoming about _**me**_ … and what **I** want.”

“What _do_ you want?”

“Right now?”

“That would be nice.”

“This… _this is what I want_. Being with you. “ Justin slid his head off the pillow to gaze up at Ben. “I feel--I feel like I want to be a very… VERY… naughty boy for you again…”

Ben began undoing Justin’s jeans, sliding them and the underwear off the pale body. What lay beneath caused Ben to force down a hard swallow. A flush had come over Justin, blood rushing down to his cock, laying amongst the dark blond pubes. “ _… you’re so beautiful when you’re hard for me…_ ”

“ _… mmm… when I’m with you, that’s pretty much all the time…_ ”

“I’m finding myself similarly afflicted.” Ben rubbed his hidden erection against Justin’s bare thigh. “… feel me?… growing hard for you?”

“I want it… Ben… please… please… give it to me…” Justin raised his arms over his head, elongating his torso.

Ben slipped away for a second or two, grabbing a handful of condom packets and lubricant. He sheathed Justin, then himself. “You have to understand something…”

“ _What?_ ”

“I can’t -- _and I won’t_ \-- fuck you. Not until I’m sure.”

“ _About me?_ ”

“About… _everything_. But, yeah… mostly you. Though I’ve done it before… had casual sexual relations. I can’t, in good conscience, do that to you… or myself. Denying us _any_ sexual contact would be pure torture, but… I’ve learned there are plenty of other ways to give a partner pleasure. They don’t always have to include penetration.”

“I get it. I do. An’ I agree… fully. Not fair to either of us, if we’re not sure of other’s agenda.”

“Believe me, I’d fuck you into this bed right now, but…”

“I know, I know…” Justin closed his eyes tight as Ben lowered his body down, face near his cock. “ _… please… make me cum… I wanna cum for you…_ ”

Ben took the latex-ed cock tip, only, in his mouth. He sucked on the head rather hard.

“ _… oh gawd!…_ ” Justin clutched at the sheets under him, rolling his hips.

**~~TBC...**


	7. Chapter 7

  
Ben slid his hand over the hip and down the crevice of scrotal sac to ass cheeks. He motioned for Justin to open his legs. After massaging the testicles and over the perineum, Ben inserted one finger into Justin’s hole, graduating to two in a short amount of time. He wanted to watch Justin fall apart under him. He knew how much pleasure he derived from anothers, this was no exception. Justin cried out, clamping a hand on Ben’s shoulder when three fingers dipped in. He began to stroke himself, hard enough to ejaculate in heavy spurts into the condom tip. 

“… _holy shit… holy shit_ … I jus’ about saw stars…” Justin felt like he was falling, falling into the mattress, so he reached out to grip onto Ben’s shoulders, and the bulky biceps, hanging on for dear might.

“… an’ I’ve barely begun this afternoon’s lesson…” Ben arced one eyebrow over an eye.

“… mmm… Professor Bruckner…” Justin couldn’t believe if every time they had these moments with one another, if he came _that_ intensely each time it wouldn’t take too long for him to fall in love with Ben. “… I can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve.”

“I’m about to blow you away -- _in more ways than one_ , Mr. Taylor.” Ben pushed himself onto his knees, grabbing one of Justin’s ankles. “… on your belly…” He helped make the transition easier.

“Wha--?” Justin sucked in a breath through clenched teeth when Ben kicked his legs open wider and set his body down tight, aligning with Justin’s backside. Ben’s sheathed cock fit along and under the crack of his ass, falling between his thighs.

Planting hands on either side of Justin’s shoulder joints, Ben held his upper body above Justin’s back. He figured he would levitate a little to rub the tip and length of his cock against the underside of Justin’s body. He loved the way Justin kept widening his thighs, able to arch only his backside off the mattress. “ _Oh… fuuuck_ …” Ben tumbled down, _only so far_ , as he continued to slam into Justin’s backside.

Justin reached behind him, holding Ben’s lower torso to his bottom. “Let me up… let me up… _please_ …” He used one hand to raise himself, Ben’s one arm tight about his waist, keeping them together. Justin arched back, arm curling around Ben’s neck, from behind.

Ben stared down and watched Justin’s cock flap and swing in mid-air, sometimes the pounding so powerful the erection smacked against Justin’s belly. Sliding his hand down the slim torso, Ben split his middle and ring finger at the base of Justin’s cock, massaging through the coarse pubic hair. He kissed and bit at Justin’s shoulder, sending his lips up the neck and plastering his cheek to Justin’s face. “… I can feel you… ‘bout to shoot again.”

“… _ugcch_ … Ben… _please_ … jus’ this once…” Justin wanted him inside, pounding away for real. The idea… _the fantasy of being filled with Ben’s cock_ , was causing him to go slightly mad.

“No, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… _so sorry, baby_ … I can’t. All I can do is… _this_ …” In one swift move, three fingers entered Justin’s rectum and the rubber came off to give him the sweet, decadent freedom of skin on skin as Ben stroked him into release at the same time.

Justin pitched forward, both hands catching himself before he fell completely. “… _ahhh_ … _fuck_ … fuck me… _fuck_ … _yes, yes, yes_ …” He thrust back against the fingers invading him as he came in two long streams. “Ohhh… man…” He sat upright, only to then lean back into Ben’s arms. Two muscular limbs surrounded his mid-torso. “… I’m--I’m never leaving… ever…” His body still wanted to move, the tinier orgasms still coming out of him, but no semen. He was spent and growing weakened.

Ben snickered, allowing Justin to ride out the aftermath, sitting on top of his thighs. “… _ssshhh_ …” He placed his hand flat to Justin’s stomach. “… don’t talk or move… let it course through your system.” He really didn’t want Justin to move or he might make him cum again.

“Is it--?” Justin licked his dry lips. “… _is it always gonna be like this? With you?_ ”

“Depends on my sexual partner… how I feel about them.” Ben knew Justin had a bit of a jealous streak about him now, after hearing about his past and back history. “The stronger my feelings, the better the sex… because it’s all about the man in my bed.” He didn’t stop touching, massaging Justin’s body. “If I can please him, I’m satisfied.”

“Good… good… I was about to be so fuckin’ jealous…” Justin adjusted himself to face Ben, both on their knees. Ben was still slightly taller than him. He reached between their bodies and stroked Ben’s soft erection. “… _mmm_ … did you cum?” He felt the hot semen in the tip. “… _jesus_ … you did…” He leaned his brow on Ben’s cheek, pushing hard… kissing his mouth roughly, passionately. Whatever emotion he was feeling in the moment, he gave to Ben. “Christ… I wanted to watch you climax over me.” His hands dropped along Ben’s flanks to fall to his hips, reaching around to cup his backside. “Wanted to hear you make your dirty erotic noises in my ear.”

“… later…” Ben whispered into Justin’s ear.

“Shower?” Justin lifted up one lone eyebrow. “I’ll race you.” He was already halfway off the bed, having pushed Ben down. But Ben was quick to snatch Justin’s arm. “What?”

“Do you even have any idea how amazing you are?” Ben was lounging on the bed now, trying to catch his breath.

Justin was a bit stunned and baffled. “Uh… what do you mean?” He let his left leg fall off the bed, now he was standing there, naked, covered in sweat and semen. Ben was in much the same state… mostly sweaty… actually golden and glistening… gorgeous to Justin’s eyes. In no time flat, he knew he would be hard again, he could already feel it rise inside him.

“I never--” Ben shook his head, snickering softly. “… forgive me… your youth doesn’t help your cause, but you have an incredible giving heart.” His fingers trailed down to snatch for Justin’s hand, tangle between the fingers and rub his thumb over smooth skin. “Albeit, often, you don’t know whether to be self-centered or kind.”

“I’ve never made a good first impression.” Justin cleared his throat, feeling a little under the microscope at this point. “I either have to grow on people or they immediately like me.”

“I was… uhm, neither. Sorry.” Ben swung their bond between their bodies. “Now, I’m pleasantly stuck somewhere around this ‘adoration’ phase.” He was attempting to tug Justin back into bed, encourage him to relax and let the moment rest for now. He didn’t know why everything always had to be a race to some eventual ending.

“ _Phase? Shit_ … that means it could wane or vanish, dissolving into something else.” Justin let out a nervous patch of laughter.

“C’mere…” Ben tugged Justin closer as he slid to sit on the side of the mattress. He was at the right height to grab Justin’s ass cheeks. Instead, he wrapped both forearms tight at Justin’s lower back. He wanted Justin to have no mistake of where he wanted him to be or where he belonged.

“Whut?” Justin put up his right arm, bending it to his body, then once Ben was no more than a millimeter away from him, he settled the arm on Ben’s left shoulder. He was afraid to touch Ben now, because touching meant a _caress_ , into which could form a _kiss_ … and that _kiss_ could bring about more _touching/caressing_ and fire smoldering inside for more.

“ _Christ_ … you’re exactly like me, but for different reasons.” Ben sent a hand up to palm the underside of the left of Justin’s neck, fingers threading through blond strands and clinging to the scalp. He could feel Justin wanting to lean into the touch, like a newborn savoring its mother’s loving caress. That was why he softened his tone. “You can fall quickly, probably love at first sight. But you don’t let people in. You don’t trust very easily, do you?” To Ben, that seemed odd. A young man without trust had no core faith or beliefs.

Justin was starting to feel as if one false move Ben would know every one of his secrets. “Can we save the cheap psychoanalyzing until after we shower?” He tried to gently stomp his foot like a child, but Ben wasn’t paying attention to that area of him, only his face.

“Justin… _baby_ … look at me…” Blue eyes met averting blue, having to dip every which way to catch them. “… the way you have sex, it’s a clear sign to me how much you _do_ feel.” Ben pushed himself to stand, this time, able to send his other hand to lock in a similar position with his fingers, seeming like he was holding Justin upright with his bare hands tangled in his hair. “Somehow you’ve trained yourself to put up a ‘wall’.” He knew _who_ had taught him that well. “If I told you, right now, that I’m feeling something here, with you, that I haven’t felt in years -- _or possibly ever_ \-- would you even hear me?”

Justin couldn’t look away; Ben had him trapped right and good, immovable, except to latch onto the thick wrists. “Would you truly mean it?”

“Justin…” Ben blinked slowly, bending low to brushing brows and noses. “… don’t…”

They were both standing there, beside the bed frame and mattress, both growing hard for one another by the second, but merely in contact by only their hands.

“No… I don’t think you would, because -- _like you said_ \-- we’re alike. Too much so.” Justin grabbed one of Ben’s hands, trying to disengage it from his face. “You are such a contradiction.” If Ben could analyze him, why not Justin talk about what he figured Ben was like? “You play like you don’t _need_ , but you do, just like everybody else. You act like you can do this _alone_ , that you don’t need love to survive… yet you date. You pursue men, like Michael. An’ lastly, last night… you didn’t say the words to my face, but you have a prejudice with non-HIV Poz people.” This was the biggest lie of all. “You’d like nothing more than to share your life with a like-minded individual as long as he’s HIV Poz, just like you. That’s your dream, isn’t it? Your ideal? Yet, again, you sleep or date gay men who are healthy. You’re carrying on with me, for Christ’s sake.”

“Justin…” Ben was grinning a little, but wanted to explain why he was happy. It looked like he was being an asshole and laughing at Justin.

“You wanna know why I put up those walls? Why I don’t trust? It’s because eventually… **everyone lies** , one way or another… and _**everything fails**_ , at some point. And you might be the biggest liar I’ve met.” Justin was getting uncomfortable because Ben had figured him out before he even had a chance to cover up his real character, to pretend like his heart couldn’t break or that he couldn’t love as easily. He was too used to Brian finding glory in tearing him down to make himself feel better. “Plus, you have this huge-ass opportunity to fail me and--”

Ben was loosening his hold, and stretching out his palms, fingers extending. “C’mere…” This time the offer was placed in Justin’s hands.

“No!” Justin chose to turn away, but didn’t go far. He couldn’t; he wanted Ben too much, desired to find out what else was in store for them. No matter how much he bitched and moaned, _Ben wasn't Brian_. He never would be and Ben deserved a chance. Justin reached out and placed a few fingertips on Ben’s torso, needing the contact for Ben to know he was still very much aware of him, he simply needed to breathe.

“Justin, I’m not upset or angry.” Ben lifted a hand to caress along Justin’s wrist and forearm, coming along the underside, tickling a little bit. “I knew all of that was in you, ready to burst forth. You’ve been building to this for awhile, haven’t you?”

“I’m scared for you.” Justin’s voice broke on that mention, then he twisted to look up at Ben. “… _for_ us…” He let his other hand touch the same way on his own chest. “… _for_ _ **me**_ …”

“Oh, sweetie… ‘bout what?” Ben tugged Justin to his chest, rocking him in his arms, not wanting the distance anymore.

“It’s all happening so fast.” Justin buried his face in the curve of broad shoulder to neck, finding a perfect niche again. “What I feel now, with you. It’s different than with Brian _(sorry)_ and I’m--I’m beginning to feel like there _is_ something here for me.” He stepped inches closer, both arms coming up to tuck under Ben’s armpits to secure at his back, along his curved spine, plastering to the space between the shoulder blades. “I don’t know what _**it**_ _is exactly_. I don’t know what you need or want me to be. I’m afraid to say how I do feel, because what if I confuse you or I cross a line you never wanted me to? I’m not--” He wasn’t only getting frustrated with himself, but the entire situation. How he usually found himself. Like Ben said -- Justin fell hard, in love, at first, but the rest of the time he was wary and cautious. “I hate this. I hate when emotions get in the way. Why can’t it ever just be sex?” He wished he could be like Brian sometimes, like Ben used to be.

“Because…” Ben started petting the back of Justin’s hair, one arm embracing him tight to his body as he leaned his head against Justin’s cheek and soft locks. “… it _is_ possible to be a normal gay man, who wants the longtime partner. Buy the two-story house in the suburbs… get a dog -- a real ‘butch’ dog, not one of those squeaky, shivering rat dogs--” He loved hearing Justin snicker in his ear, but with some added sniffling, too. “… an’ possibly think about having kids. Wanting those things doesn’t make you any _less_ of a gay man, than say… Emmett.”

Justin closed his eyes and nodded in agreement. “They keep saying it’s wrong of me -- _because of my age_. Like I should be sowing my wild oats and dating other twenty-somethings.”

“I can understand their thinking.” Ben backed away, still holding onto Justin’s hands, clasping the spaces between the fingers, laying palm to palm. “I can tell you, when I dated and didn’t tie myself down to anyone, I met a lot of great guys.” He reached out, off and on, to touch or tenderly caress Justin’s bowed face. “Perfect ones, but not ‘perfect’ for me. I might have been promiscuous, like Brian and Pa--” He stopped himself because he was about to reveal a name he had been trying to _not_ say. “… like gay men usually are. But I learned a helluva lot in the growing years. Every time I thought I had things pegged, knew my shit… _something_ would come along and knock me off my feet. Honestly…” He finally lifted Justin’s chin on his own, one handed. “… if you try their advice and it still doesn’t feel like comfortable skin to be in, then do whatever-the-fuck you want.”

Justin snorted out a laugh, blinking slowly, one side of his mouth lifting upward. “An’ if the one you _do_ want, turns out to _not want_ the same things… do you wait around an’ get your heart hurt? Or do you end it now? Go out and find The One who _does want_ those same things?” _Damn…_ what upset Justin was he couldn’t tell which one Ben was, at the moment. He knew where Brian fit, perfectly.

“I don’t know what you want to hear, because at this point it’s a struggle within. And that, if you’re strong enough and up to the challenge, is up to you.” Ben dropped his hands, crossing them at his back. Now it was only a matter of standing in each other’s breathing space, bodies and faces barely touching, skimming the other. “I can only tell you what I _know_. **I** don’t have the energy or the luxury of time to wait. I need to know -- _**now**_ \-- or I have to move on.” He hoped Justin comprehended the message. He needed to make a decision about Brian or this relationship was a “no-go”, even before it had a chance to be great. And yes… Ben knew it could only get better from where they were now.

“So…” Justin nodded his head, biting at his bottom lip in contemplation. “… it’s better to strike while the iron is hot?” He dropped his eyes, but only went as far as Ben’s waist. His gaze wasn't able to go lower, since their bodies were _thatclose_ together. Now they weren’t touching with their hands or fingers.

“Yeah, maybe.” Ben leaned forward, mouth at the ear lobe, lips skimming the shape and warm breath in the canal. “Do you have something to tell me?”

“Mmm… not.quite.yet.” Justin felt the tickle, but then the wild desire and want flourished. He leaned into Ben’s head, pushing against the strong jawline. “I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t wait too long.” Ben pushed back in quiet retaliation.

“Why?” Justin chuckled deeply, only because Ben made it seem like he had future prospects waiting in the wings. “You goin’ somewhere?”

“No… just--” Ben pulled away, brow resting along Justin’s temple then his forehead. “… don’t wait to let yourself be content and happy. I’ve learned _that_ from my own experience.”

Both of them had arms crossed behind their backs, leaning toward one another; their hard cocks were meshed into each other’s bodies.

“Okay… I hear you…” Justin nodded, then he couldn’t help the smirk that slipped out over his lips. “… wanna shower now?” Ben was so incredibly hard against him, he couldn’t wait to touch the rest of the body.

“Yes… sounds--” Ben interrupted his own sentence, swallowing with some difficulty. “This time, though, we’re taking a bath.” He already had a scenario arranged in his head… and it made him hornier by the second.

“Oooo… can’t wait…” Justin spun on one foot and marched away. His arms were still crossed behind him, over his ample backside, as he disappeared inside the darkened bathroom.

Ben trailed behind, switching on the light. He lowered the illumination. This was going to be the longest bath he had taken since he was… well, no need to go there right now…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin shot his eyes open, rolling over onto his back to find Ben laying close to him, on his left side. He resettled on his right side, huddling into Ben’s warmth. The more he slept in Ben’s bed, the more he found his sleeping time lasting longer and longer. He would’ve stayed under had the dream he been having not woken him up. He hooked an arm about Ben’s waist, tucking his face under the strong chin, sharing Ben’s pillow.

“… _mmm_ … can’t sleep?” Ben secured both arms about Justin, locking his fingers at the upper curve of the ample bottom.

“… bad dream…” Justin closed his eyes, not even wanting to admit what he’d dreamed about, which felt more like a nightmare.

“Sorry.” Ben kissed the pale brow lightly. “… wanna talk ‘bout it?”

Justin brought up a hand to place over Ben’s breast bone. “Not really. I don’t even remember half of it. Just a feeling it leaves me with. Kinda chilling.”

“I've dreamed like that before, when I was first diagnosed.”

“Ben…”

“ _Hmm?_ ”

“I wanna go with you.”

“You do?” Ben hugged Justin tighter to his chest.

“I wanna do _this_. I think I _need_ to.” Justin shifted back, cupping Ben’s face. “I feel like I need to do this with you.” He leaned in and pressed lips just at the corner of Ben’s mouth, inhaling and soaking in everything about Ben. “More importantly, something makes me think this is pretty rare -- _what you’re doing with me_. Did you let Michael in this close?”

“No… well, sort of… but I--”

“Lied to him to protect him, again? Made him oblivious to what you were going through?”

“I think Michael is aware of many things, with Vic’s own sickness.”

“So… why?”

“I wanted someone to love me, not my disease.”

“Yet you make me work to have sex with you.” Justin gently shoved Ben, watching him snicker lightly. “How can you keep those separate, so easily?”

“It’s tough to explain.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I get...” Ben rolled onto his back, dragging Justin along with him. “… mood swings. Big, huge ones.” He bent his right arm and plopped it on the pillow, above his head. “The usual good days versus bad days everyone else has, but on a more severe level.”

“The meds?” Justin crawled over Ben’s body, tucking a leg between his thighs and throwing an arm across his chest.

“40% of the time, yeah. The rest is of my own suffering.” Ben cupped his hand around Justin’s shoulder, then traced his fingers long the ridges of bones and muscles. “Then other stressors, like losing many of my friends, and constantly asking why it wasn’t me. It’s an endless struggle with the emotional spectrum.”

“… an’ love an’ sex? How do they equate in there?”

“We all want _someone_ to love, so we won’t be alone. But while we’re looking, or patiently waiting, it’s hard to make a good first impression with _‘Hi… I’m Ben Bruckner and I’m HIV Poz’_ … so you silently agree to yourself you’ll face a lot of rejections. Or…” Ben brought up his hand, to hold back Justin’s bangs and press his lower jaw and lips to the pale brow. “… you shy away from any human contact. Some -- _yes, even gay men you would think would sympathize_ \-- treat you like you’re radioactive. You lock yourself away. You abstain, hit a dry spell. And then one morning you wake up so fuckin’ horny you could fuck _anything_ in sight. The next beautiful or average man who winks or smiles at you gets your number. You make plans for a casual date, then you debate with yourself whether to tell the truth or keep the lie going. Basically, you just need touch. You need that human connection -- _a warm body in your bed_.”

“Is that what I am?” Justin lifted his head, rearranging his body to hover over Ben’s face. “A temporary fix, because Michael left?”

“No, _shit_ … no… you’ve never been that for me.” Ben brought his bent arm down to cup Justin’s face, thumb playing over the pouty bottom lip. “Ever.”

“Then… _what am_ _ **I**_?”

“ _What do you want to be?_ ” Ben didn’t really care what Justin wanted in the sense of “playing a role”, he simply wanted to be with him.

“I dunno.” Justin latched onto Ben’s wrist, turning his head to kiss the palm, then down the inner wrist. “Had you asked me weeks ago, you would never have been a part of my life. But now, I can’t--I can’t see my life without you.” He stretched his leg further over Ben’s thighs, to the other side, dragging himself over Ben’s body. “I wanna spend every minute I can with you, because… well, I think I could have feelings for you. Is that--?” He planted his hands on either side of Ben’s arms, lifting his upper body. “Does that bother you to know?”

“ _Bother me?_ ” Ben shook his head, reaching out to rub up and down Justin’s forearms. “I’d find it weird if you _didn’t_ feel _something_.” Ben pushed himself up further, relaxing back against the array of pillows. “I’m not sure how you’ll take this, but I’m beginning to feel something too. I don’t know what _**it**_ is, yet. Sometimes having all this experience doesn’t allow me the purity of being able to identify my emotions clearly. Plus, it’s, uhm… never good practice to fall into bed after a break-up or a rejection, from a failed relationship.”

They glanced at one another, then started chuckling deeply.

“… which is probably why we’re both having problems right now.” Ben softly exhaled, reaching up to smooth fingers down Justin’s cheek, letting the hand fall to the flat, muscular chest. He wanted to tuck his hand at the arm pit and tug Justin upward to align with him.

Justin crawled up on his own, with his balled fists. “You saying we need to get out of bed?” He was moving toward Ben’s face, making him squish into the pillow case.

“Mmm, no. I think what I’m saying is…” Ben’s hands shaped Justin’s hips, trailing along the waist and sloping down over the ass cheeks. “… it’s too early in the fuckin’ morning to have a deep conversation like this.”

“… _sorry_.” Justin shivered at feeling the fingertips playing at his hole as he spread his legs open. “I kinda like talkin’ in the dark, huddled together.” He tucked his arms under him, resting on Ben’s torso as he let Ben excite and stimulate him. “Like we’re the only two people left in the world. Again… _sorry_ … I’ll shut my eyes to go back to sleep.” He went down to place his head under Ben’s chin, on his upper chest, his hips canting upward to the wayward fingers. There wasn't any way either of them were going back to sleep. “Forgive me?”

“… always…”  


~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
** A few days later… **

Justin rose out of his chair when he noticed his mother walking toward him. He embraced her tight, burying his face in her shoulder and neck, trying not to muss her hair or her pristine business pantsuit. He let her cup and caress his face, coo-ing over how “good” he looked. Well, she said “handsome and happy”, but she was clearly biased. Thank God Ben had left earlier, before his mother arrived, from the table to answer his cell phone. Once Justin re-took his seat, he started keeping an eye out for Ben’s approach.

“Sooo… to what do I owe the invite to brunch, sweetie.” Jennifer took a sip of her glass of water.

“What?” Justin faked looking outraged. “I can’t treat my own mother to a decent meal once-n-awhile?”

“Justin… honey, you haven’t called me in two weeks. The last time I saw you was… I think… about a month ago, thereabouts. Then suddenly--” Jennifer finally settled herself in her seat, noticing the “light” shining off her son’s face and those startling blue eyes. That weird smile that glowed with some kind of happiness or pleasure really undid her. _Crap!_ We’re they having a meal with Brian Kinney?

Ben shocked them by strolling up to the table unnoticed. “Sorry. I got sidetracked… well, pulled aside by an old friend.” He shook his cell phone in the air, then clipped it back onto his trousers. “Chatterbox.” He set a hand lightly on Justin’s mother’s shoulder. “Ms. Taylor…” Then held out one of his hands for her to take, in offering. “… nice to finally meet you.”

Jennifer frowned, a bit confused by the moment. “Aren’t you, uh… Ben?” She slowly began to shake the hand on a solid bounce. “The Professor? You’re with Debbie’s son, Michael?”

“I _was_ …”

“Oh, sheesh… forgive me.” Jennifer put a hand to her chest. “Sore subject. Fully understand. Shutting my big mouth.”

“Hey… it’s okay.” Ben glanced quickly at Justin. “I’ve been able to see that there’s more fish in the sea. Move on with some dignity.”

“Well…” Jennifer laughed nervously, somewhat fanning her face of shame. “… I’m glad.”

“Have we ordered, yet?” Ben glanced between Justin and his mother.

“No.” Justin gesture with the sweep of his hand over to his mother. “Mom just got here, herself.”

“Good.” Ben nodded his head, trying not to smile wide as he opened his menu and looked at the selections quickly. God, he felt like some weird-ass high school moment of meeting the dreaded “parents”.

Justin had been staring intently at Ben. “Was everything all right?”

“Fine. Just dandy.” Ben gave off a small smile, remembering his tiny bout of nausea this morning. It kind of put Justin on edge, keeping a watchful eye on him. “I’m hungry now… which could be a good or bad sign.”

“I told you -- my treat. So--” Justin flourished his hand as if to say to have whatever their hearts desired.  
 _  
“Honey…”  
“Justin…”_

The waitress wandered over. “Can I start everyone off with something to drink? Any appetizers or soups?” Once they placed their drink orders, declining the food, she gave them a few more minutes to decide their meals. There was a bit of an awkward moment where the three of them pretended to peruse their menus, but looked over the plastic books, under lowered lashes or from the side of curious eyes, catching sight of peoples' actions and mannerisms.

At one point, Justin could no longer sit and bear not being nearer to Ben. His body twisted toward him, first. Then he started to shift his chair closer, a hand coming out to clamp on the thick knee, sliding up the muscular thigh. It slid in between the wide spacing of the thighs as Ben, without realizing, adjusted himself to allow the personal touch to his body. They figured since it was under the table that people wouldn’t see, but it didn’t pan out that way.

Jennifer caught the action, but what stunned her was the Ben's warm reception of her son’s caress. It could’ve been a trick of the restaurant lighting or the fact of first impression nerves, but she could swear Ben looked flushed and -- _dare she say it?_ \-- a little enraptured by Justin’s apt attention.

The waitress returned, took their food orders after she passed around their drinks. She made a hasty retreat back to another table, before she went into the kitchen.

Jennifer shook out her cloth napkin, crossing one leg over her knee as she patiently waited to be told why she had been asked out to this meal. And more importantly… _why was Ben here?_

Ben relaxed back in his chair, lazily draping his arm over the back of Justin’s chair. He turned his head, leaning over to whisper into an available ear.

Justin’s blinked slowly, nodded, then cleared his throat. “Mom…” He leaned forward on the table’s surface, crossing his arms.

“Yes?” Jennifer was trying to prepare herself for another shocking piece of information. Or maybe it would be good news if Justin was about to tell her he was leaving Brian.

“There’s a reason why I wanted to see you. It’s why Ben’s here.”

“Oh?” Jennifer lifted a dark blond sculpted eyebrow.

“Yeah… well, Ben’s got a bit of a, uh… _housing dilemma_.”

“… uh-huh…” Jennifer knew that wasn't the only thing happening between Justin and Ben.

“Ms. Taylor…” Ben soothed a hand over Justin’s bare forearms. “… I’m currently staying in an apartment, set up with my job at Carnegie Mellon. The person I had the arrangement with -- _another professor_ \-- is returning sooner than once thought. I’ve got about a month, maybe a little more, to find a new place.”

“Oh…” _Was that it? Was that everything they had to share?_ Because there certainly appeared to be something more going on between them. “What ‘arrangement’ are you currently in?”

“Co-op.”

“Mmm…” Jennifer nodded her head in understanding. “… are you looking to get back into the same deal?” She glanced between both Justin and Ben, looking for facial tells and body language that would convey to her what mere words wouldn’t. “Is it because of your position at the college that you sought a contract you could easily get out of? Not knowing how long your job would last?”

“Yeah… pretty much…” Ben hadn’t even begun to discuss an aspect to his job with Justin, about Tibet. It had always been a dream of his to live amongst the Tibetan monks in a monastery, for six months to a full year. Those opportunities never came around very often. But as well-made plans often do, they change. “Although right now I’m--” He didn’t know why, but he took a sidelong glance at Justin, having the sudden urge to touch the soft skin of his face, brush through his hair. There was such a “look” of worry overtaking the young features, Ben felt like reassuring Justin that things were definitely up-in-the-air, not completely solid. “I’m assured that my job at Carnegie will last a good while. I, uh… wouldn’t mind looking into condos or townhouses, within my price range.”

“What _is_ your price range?” Jennifer lifted a lone eyebrow.

“ **$200,00 – 275,000** … or thereabouts. I guess all things are negotiable.”

“You looking to put down the full 20% or are you going for less?” That was one _serious_ chunk of change. Ben sure didn’t come across as made of money, not like Brian was. Jennifer glanced at her son, who was hiding behind his hand. “Anything specific you’re looking for? Garage?” She startled back when Justin chuckled outright, catching sight of Ben’s look of admonishment then Justin becoming shy and apologetic. _Wow!_ Ben had killed Justin’s reaction with only a “look”. That just floored her. “… uhm… outside city limits? close to the campus?… more than, uh… two or three bedrooms?… fireplace? That sort of thing.”

Ben smiled, quite disarmingly, knowing this would be nerve-wracking, meeting Justin’s mother. “Almost what I have now. Two bedrooms/two baths. I’m not lookin’ for much. It is, after all, just me.”

Justin cleared his throat, sitting back in his chair, nearly huddling under Ben’s arm.

Jennifer caught the subtle action and knew _something_ was definitely happening. She didn’t know if they were purposefully keeping mum or they weren’t aware of it themselves. She had certainly never had a good opinion of _Justin with Brian_. Not even able to admire what they looked like as a couple. But -- _Justin with Ben?_ It was alarming. Their colorings; the shades of blond, and the same skin tones… with the similar eye colors, Ben’s being darker and more piercing, even behind the eyeglasses. Jennifer couldn’t tell Ben’s real age by looking at him. She really would’ve said somewhere around thirty or so. His tall muscular frame gave him a sharper contrast with Justin’s youthful form. Strange to find, though they had physical and visual similarities, they managed _not_ to blend together, looking _nothing_ alike. One would assume, both being blond/blue-eyed, they would have a father/son “vibe” or a feeling of “family”. Jennifer didn't have that sense. She actually thought they appeared, and acted, more like “boyfriends” than Justin and Brian had.

Their plates arrived and Jennifer had to break her concentration on them, hiding her widening grin behind her eating motions.

Justin encouraged Ben to speak to his mother, as if he wasn’t here. At one point, he did excuse himself to wander off to the restroom. He was actually trying to give them a few minutes alone. On his way there, he discovered he really did need to pee.

“I, uh… I really appreciate you helping me in any way, Ms. Taylor.”

“… _hehehehe_ … relax, Ben.” Jennifer felt she could actually touch Ben, comforting him like any mother would’ve. “You can call me ‘Jennifer’.”

“Okay…” Ben easily shared a smile. “… well, thanks.” He reached into his sports jacket. “I’m not normally this anal retentive, but I figure I’ve got the whole next month to move out. I don’t want to still be looking when I’m close to the wire. I’d like to be out by two to three weeks, at the most.” He handed Jennifer the paper. “This is a list of everything I’m looking for -- my likes and dislikes, sort of thing. I’m willing to look at anything you know about that you can show me on-the-spot. I’m sure I can arrange a time to look at the property, since I’ve got a flexible teaching assistant helping me out at school.”

“ _What about Justin?_ ”

Ben immediately went pale, a blank stare. “ _What do you mean?_ ” _Shit!_ It _had_ been that obvious. He had attempted to tone himself down.

“Does Justin know _everything_ on this list?” Jennifer motioned a well-manicured fingernail over Ben’s stylish cursive writing. “Your likes and dislikes. Does he--?” She re-folded the paper, sticking it under her plate. “How well do you know my son, Ben?”

“I knew of him, off-n-on, when I began dating Michael. But just recently, since Michael and I have gone our separate ways, Justin has--” Ben cleared his throat, leaning back in his chair. “He’s become pretty irreplaceable in my life.”

“You know about Brian, obviously.”

“Yes, I do.”

“ _How well do you want to know my son?_ ” Jennifer didn’t know how she managed to pull the conversation in that direction. She waved a hand in mid-air. “ _Wait! No! Forget it!_ I’ve learned my lessons. Justin’s life is _not_ mine to live. He’ll be nineteen soon and… he hasn’t been my ‘little boy’ for years. His choices are his own. I may want the best for him, but I… well, it goes without saying, I think.”

“I’m happy you said it, though. Because it tells me you’re trying and you won’t force him to be something that he’s not.”

“That was Craig’s doing, not mine. His father liked everything and everyone in their place. One little misalignment and--” Jennifer was attempting to use her hands to demonstrate the severity of her ex-husband's anger and frustrations. It just wasn't right to do to Ben on a first impression meal. “… which is why I divorced him the minute things went from bad to worse with Justin and his father. I just couldn’t take subjecting Molly to the same things Justin went through.”

“ _Molly?_ ” Ben’s brow frowned in curiosity.

“Justin’s younger sister, Molly.” Jennifer wiped her napkin over her mouth. “Did Justin not tell you?”

“No. No, he didn’t.” Ben didn’t know why he was disturbed by this. “We’ve talked about everything else, it seems like. I know what CD he bought with the first money he earned on his own, but I didn’t know he had a little sister.” He sighed heavily, coming to a quick decision that he was going to have to pick his battles with Justin, because there was levels of difference in lies. Some mattering more than others. “How old?”

“My newest endeavor… _pre-teen years_ …”

Ben felt himself drifting backward into his own life. The fact was that he had always wanted to have a sibling, always dreamed of one day when he was older of having a large family of his own. Then came the day of his sixteenth birthday and he learned the deepest, darkest secret his family had kept from him. The very reason his mother had left. “I think a girl, at any age, is tough to handle.”

Jennifer chuckled softly, shaking her head. “They’re amazing, you know. It’s me and Craig -- our genes -- but smaller. She’s her own person, by the way. Who won’t be swayed by _anything_ her mother says.”

“But you do know all that isn’t real? The back-talking and the rollin’ of the eyes **‘oh, Moooooom’?** **” Ben shared in a mutual laugh with Jennifer. “** … that sort of thing. When she’s ready, she’ll come back to you. It’s not easy raising kids on your own.”

“No. No it’s not.” Jennifer tilted her head, looking directly at Ben. “ _Do you?_ ’

“ _Me?_ Nah… I’ve been ‘out’ since I was in high school. I just--my mother left when things got bad at our house. One day she said she had enough -- _like you_. I never knew it then, what I know now, but she was the lucky one.”

“Mmm… luck…” Jennifer could tell by watching Ben that his family issues, especially with his mother, were an extremely private and sensitive aspect of his past. “I’d like some of that, one day. You don’t happen to know the secret to getting it, do you?”

“No. I don’t. Sorry. When I do, I’ll share.” Ben and Jennifer laughed in unison again. “Look, I could sit here and lie to you. Pretty up words and ‘romance’ you with wit and charm, but… then I’d be deluding not only you, but myself.” He sat back in his chair, glancing over at Jennifer with a small grin ghosting over his lips.

“How so?”

“Justin’s barely had a chance to live, to survive out there on his own, like you and I have. I’m afraid there’s too many things preventing me from wanting _anything_ to do with him.” Ben had to avert his gaze as he crossed arms over his chest, fingers clamping around his muscles. It was weird to feel this comfortable in being able to converse with an another adult, one who was a parent -- _a mother._ “The fact being… I’m done with promiscuity and random one night stands. I’ve reached the point where I need the stability of a home and a loving partner to be _in_ that home, waiting for me. You’ve raised a wonderful son, Jennifer. I’d be a lucky man if he chose to be a part of my life, in my world. But I’m no dummy, and deep down I know it's not right for me to do that to him.”

“ _Is it because of your HIV status?_ ”

Ben’s eyes went saucer-round wide in shock. “ _You knew?_ ”

“ _I’ve known_ , Ben. From Debbie. An’ I liked you, though I didn’t really _know_ you. I watched the way you were with Michael. I liked that, wishing it for Justin, with someone his age. The fact you won Debbie over to your side is one great feat, I’m pleased to say. Debbie’s been on-key so far with what she’s told me about you.”

Ben felt a little embarrassed, feeling like his face was flushed. “All good, I hope.”

“Yes.” Jennifer reached out to place a calming hand on Ben’s arm, finding a comforting warmth there. “A stellar, glowing report.”

“Thank you…” Ben pat Jennifer’s hand under his hand. “I was worried.”

“ _About meeting me?_ ” Jennifer put a palm flat to her chest. “ _Why? Am I that intimidating?_ ”

“No… no. You’re really not. It’s this whole… I don’t know. I’m a year or so older than Brian an’ I wasn’t sure how you’d perceive me, if Justin was with us. I wanted to meet you alone, but he insisted this would be best.”

“Speaking of Justin… he’s been gone awhile. Should we be concerned?”

“Nah. Probably thinks he’s clever. Walking off to leave you and I alone to get to know one another.”

“ _Acch…_ he didn’t have to do that. I’ve got eyes and my own brain.”

“But, in fairness, you’re also his mother, therefore that much harder to impress. Trust me, it may not seem like it now, but gay sons never want to fail their mothers.”

“Really?” Jennifer took a hard swallow of her drink. She was beginning to enjoy this discussion, simply for the reason that Ben was where she dreamed Justin would be one day.

“Believe me, I always dreaded my mother knowing who I dated too. Except mine immersed herself in my world, much like Debbie’s done with Michael. She’d often try to fix me up on blind dates with the sons of her PFLAG friends. Unfortunately, for her, what she didn’t know was I probably knew them already or had been with them and wasn’t willin’ to go back for ‘seconds’.”

“Oh… _poor thing_.” Jennifer brought up her hands to block an outright laugh as she made an empathetic face. “While I’d like to be involved in Justin’s life, I only make it that much more easier for him to meddle in mine.”

“You don’t mean--” Ben squinted his eyes, looking deeply into Jennifer’s eyes. “Are you dating someone new?”

“No. Not exactly.” Jennifer blushed slightly. “Doing my own wild-oat-sowing. I had a long enough time as wife and mother, which I have no regrets of… but I’m ready to finally be _me_.”

“I can see where Justin gets most of his personality.” Ben liked knowing this, that he could see Justin in his mother. For some reason, that was important to him. “You two must’ve been close when he was younger.”

Jennifer put a hand to her chest, feeling her eyes mist. She was a bit choked when Ben stretched out a hand to rub at her back. “You have no idea how much I miss him.” She placed her napkin over her mouth to quell her shaking from emotion. “ _Whoa…_ who knew _that_ was laying dormant?” She fanned her own face, while smiling through her sorrow. “You make me feel very comfortable. Thank you. Such a drastic change from--”

“Brian Kinney… yeah… I get that a lot.” Ben rolled his eyes and squeezed Jennifer’s hand. “Good for you, for stepping out and dating again.”

“Ben, we can’t help who we fall in love with. It just, you know… _happens_. Sometimes, we have to let it be what it is, in that moment. Whether it lasts us a lifetime or is over in minutes. No one ever said being an adult gave you a free ride over stupidity.”

“Well… we _think_ we know best. Know right from wrong and all that bunk. But I, too, strongly believe that it’s going to be what it’s meant to be. We should be happy for the ride along the journey. Just because my father _is_ my father… doesn’t mean he had to be in my life. Especially if he can’t see who I really am. _Christ!_ He can’t even see his own faults, so… you think I’m gonna trust anything he tries to feed me? Hold it as ‘bible’?”

“Craig… Justin’s father, is much the same. I wish he wasn’t. To my eyes, those two used to be so close. When Justin was little, he’d hang off his Daddy at every turn… **_‘Is Daddy home yet? Mommy, when’s Daddy comin’ home?’_** … all that kinda stuff. Then one day, Craig went this way…” Jennifer used her thumb to gesture to her right and then directly behind her. “... Justin went another. Since the divorce, I’ve learned things were _not_ the way I had once thought between father and son.” She couldn't help talking awful things about her ex-husband, because she had been silent for too long, letting situations manifest that could've been stopped. Then she didn't want to misalign the father of her children, become petty and bickering over every little thing like most embittered ex-wives. Too bad that man happened to be her ex-husband. “Craig wasn’t a terrible person. He just didn’t know how to parent or how to be a father, without coming across like a dictator or a lecturer. I’m sure it didn’t help that we'd had several problems in our marriage along the way -- things that Justin should never have seen… or heard.”

Ben nodded his head, slowly, secure in the knowledge that he had been right all along. He and Justin were more alike than he knew. “Mmm… sounds like my own childhood.”

Jennifer smiled genuinely. “The more you fight against this, uhm… _getting to know him_ … the more you’ve learned how alike you two are, huh?”

“It’s weird. He’s _not_ my type. He’s not even remotely the age of men I sleep with. Were I not sick and I wasn’t who I am today, I’d have eaten him up and spit him out in one night, been onto the next conquest.” Ben had never been this open so suddenly with _his own mother._ He didn’t know why, but Jennifer had a very kind aura about her, like even though she had opinions and morals, she took the time to understand the WHYs and HOWs, and she wouldn’t make quick assumptions _just because_.

“ _And now?_ ”

“There’s _potential_ there, but I’m not sure he truly knows what he wants. I mean… he’s had it rough, mind you. An adult trapped in a kid’s body, but he’s still so fragile and overly-confident. He knows what he doesn’t want, since he’s been with Brian.”

“Do you have any idea if they’ll be over?”

“Not completely. There’s emotions still there, connected to sex. And for Brian and Justin, those are powerful control issues. Brian’s added that dreaded ‘financial’ burden that sours situations into never-ending twists and turns, until one of the parties cuts all ties.”

“You think it’ll be Justin?”

“No. I don’t. It’s too convenient to have Brian there as the Go-To guy.”

Jennifer feared that Ben wouldn't stick around for too long if Justin didn't pull up his bootstraps and kick Kinney to the curb. “Would you be pursuing Justin if he knew what he wanted and he let Brian go?”

“That would be a huge leap of faith on my part. I don’t hang a lot on faith or things I can’t see right in front of me.” Ben pushed his chair backward. “Excuse me… now I _am_ getting a bit concerned about him.” He got up to walk away and almost bumped into Justin. “Oh, sor-- _whoa! You okay? You all right?_ ”

“I’m fine. Promise.” Justin glanced over his shoulder as a young man weeded himself through the crowd of customers at the restaurant’s bar. He was making his way toward the front door and possibly exiting. When Justin turned back to look at Ben, he caught the dumbfounded stare. “ _What?_ ”

“ _Did you know that young man?_ ” Ben flicked his head in the direction of the front foyer area.

“Eh… no… not really…”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Ben suddenly grew stiff, shoving hands in his pockets.

“C’mon…” Justin tugged on Ben’s arm, sliding down to his forearm. “… I’m hungry. Let’s finish our lunches.”

“Justin, did you just--?” Ben was momentarily stunned into silence, unsure of what to do or how to react to what “vibe” he had read off of the looks between Justin and the strange young man. He didn't want to think the worst of Justin this soon in their, uh... _relationship_?

“Not now, huh? Later…” Justin pat Ben’s chest, right on the opening of the button down shirt, then yanked on the sport jacket lapels. “… okay?… when we’re alone.” He twisted away swiftly and went back to the table.

Ben stood right where Justin left him, rubbing his jaw and staring at the floor. This was _exactly_ what he had been afraid of…

_Dammit!_

**~~TBC...**


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 ** Next evening… **

“ **THANK!YOU!!** You…” Justin walked through the front door, shutting it closed on a solid slam, sending out double praises with kisses on his hands. “… are the best!”

“ _What? Why?_ ” Ben looked up from his position standing next to the dinette table. He had just gotten in no more than twenty minutes ago, expecting Justin to be here already. When he wasn’t, Ben kept thinking about the other day, wondering if…

“ _My Mom fuckin’ adored you!_ I’m so happy right now I could kiss you.” Justin hung his coat on the back of one chair, approaching Ben with every intention to hug him close and reign kisses over him. Justin's mother adored Ben and couldn’t stop talking or asking question about him, wondering what Justin's intentions were. If Brian was finally o-u-t of his life. Not even Justin knew that for a fact.

“… no… don’t…” Ben dodged out of Justin’s arms and plopped onto a kitchen chair. “Your mother’s a great lady. A lot more understanding than you give her credit for.”

“What do you mean?” Justin pulled back, tucking his thumbs in the back jean pockets. He was worried, Ben was already acting funky and his face didn’t look too pleased.

“Not just any mother would’ve done the things she’s done for you.” Ben found it easy to talk without having to look at Justin as he shuffled through the mail. “Allowing you to carry on with a man like Brian, when you were sixteen. Most parents would’ve considered you still their responsibility, sicking the police on him. Brian could be in jail because of you.” He had organized everything into importance, then straightened the envelopes in one neat pile, placing them in front of him. “You do realize that, right?” He slid out of his own coat, letting it fall back, inside out, over the chair rungs.

“Pennsylvania law states--” Justin knew this almost verbatim.

Ben held out a hand to stop Justin from even starting to say that bullshit. “How about we _not_ try to stand behind some by-the-book lawmakers who probably haven’t parented a child in their life? Why don’t we use common sense and find some fuckin’ morals… and _parent_ a child.”

“Okay, well…” Justin threw one hand in the air. “… the rest of this night just went down the fuckin’ tubes. _Where’s this coming from?_ ”

“Plenty of places, Justin. Mainly, I wonder how serious do you actually take anything in your life?” Ben folded his hands together, over the stack of mail. “Not just right now… at anytime. Do you ever think of consequences? Of -- _I don’t know_ \-- having built a reputation for yourself at seventeen… eighteen years old as having slept with as many men as Brian Kinney?”

“Ben, I--” Justin had such a great open and lively loving conversation with his mother that coming home to _this_ … was a bit _unexpected and devastating_.

“No, please… be as honest with me as you’ve been trying all this time. I’m an adult. I’ve been around I can take it.”

“What did I do?”

“I don’t know. What _did_ you do, Justin, the other day?” Ben sat back, crossing one leg over a knee, folding his arms over his chest. “Why were you gone so long in the bathroom? Did you actually _have_ to go right then or had you been eying _him_ during the meal? Did you send him signals while your Mom and I were talking and my back was turned?” Ben pointed an index finger toward Justin, severely stressing his point. “You came back. You looked me in the face and you _flat-out lied to me!_ ”

“I didn’t. I knew of him. I don’t know him _personally_.” Justin was trying everything to backtrack, see where he had lost footing with Ben. He only walked into the apartment, prepared to talk about the day he had and anything Ben wanted to discuss, but apparently Ben had been letting this brew inside for more than twenty-four hours.

“ _Are you certain!?_ He looked at you as if you both had sucked each other off in the stall. _Did you get his number!?_ ”

“We didn’t. I swear.” Justin tried to move toward Ben again, but Ben twisted in the other direction and got up out of the chair. “Ben, I only--”

Ben wandered away, then stopped to lean on a section of bare wall. “I don’t care what you did at this point. Not even if you did or didn’t do a thing. Tell me something… _did you want to?_ _Did a tiny part inside of you want to be that daring?… that risqué? Let him stroke you -- blow you -- or take care of him while I sat out there with your mother?_ ”

“… yeah…” Justin knew he had to speak the truth, because Ben would know or find out anyway. “But I really _did_ have to pee. By the time I was done, he’d gotten another guy. He took _him_ into the stall instead. I didn’t--I was curious, I guess. I went in the one stall next to them and listened. I was--” Justin wanted to say, _“thinking of you… picturing you doing those things to me”,_ but Ben was already far gone in frustration and anger.

“I’m glad for you. _**Get out.**_ ” Ben used his chin to gesture toward the front door that wasn’t locked.

“ _What?!?_ ” Just was utterly shocked by what he was hearing.

“ _ **Out.**_ On the other side of _that_ door.” This time Ben used an arm and his thumb to point in the same direction. “Now, please.”

“Ben, I never--” Justin tried a third time, but coming around the table in a more direct motion.

“I know.” Ben held out one hand, palm out to stop Justin from coming further in. “That’s what made me think deeply about this, and why I have to cut you off now before we get too… _important_ to one another.”

“ _Wha--? I can’t--?_ ” Justin couldn’t fathom what was happening. _Was this_ _ **it**_ _?_ “ _I can’t even state my case? I can’t--I can’t get a second chance?_ ”

“Justin, I keep tellin’ you that this is 'no joke' with me. I mean it. This isn’t like the games you played with Brian. If I let you in, I expect you to respect me. Mostly, I need you _not_ to run around on me, bringing skanky ‘ho’s to my home.” Ben attempted to step away from the wall, using his hands in sweeping gestures as he talked, but then he pushed himself back against the plastered surface, shaking his head, and rubbing a hand over his forehead. “I don’t care how _non-actual fucking_ the moment was -- _you think about straying once, then you actually do stray. You stray once, then twice and suddenly it’s a fuckin’ habit you can’t break. If you’re here, an’ you’re in my bed -- sharing your body with me -- that's deep for me._ I don’t let anyone into my life like this. You know that.”

Now Justin was getting incensed, because this was coming out of far, _far_ leftfield for him. At least, Ben should’ve warned him. He should've called him and told him _not_ to come over. “Does that include Brian? You expect me to end my relationship with him, too, don’t you? Because I could’ve done with Brian what I would’ve done with that guy.” He said the word “guy” as if it was the most vulgar and disgusting word he ever uttered.

“ _And that makes you proud?_ ” Ben was perplexed by the point Justin was attempting to make.

“No… it makes me fuckin’ angry!”

“Good. You sure sounded like you were proud that you could’ve slipped into bed as easily with Brian as that guy. Are all of us men interchangeable for you? One right after the other, faces blending together… not remembering any names… the more anonymous the better?” Sometimes ben hated the heavy influence Brian Kinney had on the men of Pittsburgh.

“That’s _not_ me. I’m _not_ like that. You know I’m not like that, Ben.”

“I don’t know _anything_ anymore, Justin.” Ben put out his hands. “Look… I just need you to leave for awhile. Not forever, just to leave for now. I need to rethink this… well, _whatever going on between us._ ” He was afraid to give an actual name to it, because that would show Justin how much control he had and how easily malleable Ben was to his wiles. He tried to turn away, but it was like he still had something to say to Justin, even though he had told him to leave.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” Justin could feel the emotions welling up inside, tears at the surface. It was odd to feel more hurt and shattered by fighting with Ben than with Brian. He could feel his heart, literally, breaking.

“No. Give me a day or two. Come back to me when you know exactly what you _do_ want.”

“I’m sorry.” Justin placed the key on the table, standing near Ben. “I didn’t--these last few days with you have been so special to me. I feel like my heart woulda burst from how…” He had to avert his head, the moisture beginning to surface. “… happy you made me. I didn’t mean to _intentionally_ hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to happen.”

“I know you didn’t. An’ you need to know something--” Ben found enough willpower to step closer to Justin, lowering his torso to look into Justin’s face and eyes.

“ _Whut?_ ”

“I’m _not_ Brian. I will never _want_ to _be_ him. Ever. So don’t confuse us. This shit may have been passable for him -- _these ‘other men’ in and out of your arrangement_. That crap doesn’t fly with me.”

“Yes… I know…” Justin had to grip the rungs of a nearby chair to hold himself upright. “I know you’re not Brian. It’s what I like most about you.”

“… an’ I liked the moments when you actually showed me the real Justin.” Ben stepped close, hand coming out to almost cup the cheek, but it quickly dropped, the hand forced into a fist.

“… Ben…” Justin had seen an similar pain in those killer blue eyes that he could feel in his own body. Ben didn’t want to kick him out, but he had to in order to make his point. Justin needed to know boundaries and where Ben had set his limits. And Justin knew he had to leave, if only to show Ben he understand his pain and heartache too.

“G’bye…” Ben couldn’t even watch Justin exit out the front door. He walked over to the master bedroom, softly shutting the door behind him.

Justin covered his eyes to stem the heavy flow of tears, then rushed out the door, not even picking up his jacket. He got halfway down the corridor when he spun back around and stormed into the apartment. He shut the front door and set the locking bolts, keeping them inside. He rubbed his hands together, nervously, practicing those breathing exercises Ben had taught him as he walked toward the closed bedroom door.

Ben wasn’t anywhere in the room, the bathroom light was on, door closed only partially. Justin knocked gently, pushing the paneling in. “… Ben, I…” He was able to notice the white pallor of Ben’s skin as they both looked at his reflection in the mirror. “ _Fuck! What’s wrong?_ ”

“I don’t--I don’ know.” Ben was sagging anyway, hunched over the sink, his hands were griped tight on the surrounding ledge. “… I don’--I don’ feel so goo’…” He slumped a little to the left and grabbed onto the toilet backing to sit down.

Justin was quickly there to help him situate onto the toilet seat lid. “Ben, wha--?” He dropped to bended knee when Ben dipped his own head between his knees. “… the new med… is that what--?”

Ben slowly nodded. “… sudd’nly… sick… dizzy… fain’…” His voice was sounding sleepy, almost drowsy. “… has to happ’n…” He sent out a weak smile. “… if thin’s were good, then I know… som’thin’s wrong…”

Justin brushed back the moist hair from Ben’s feverish skin. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“This… disease… doesn’ play by the rules.” Ben furrowed his brow. “I though you’d left?” He shut his eyes from Justin’s caressing of his face, rubbing his cheeks.

“I did, but I didn’t go far before I knew I _had_ to come back. If you want me to still leave, once we get you settled in bed, _I’ll go_. I couldn’t leave without making you aware I had good intentions in everything with you.” Justin kept dipping his head to hold eye contact with Ben. “I’ll agree… _I don’t have a fuckin' clue what I’m doing_. _Or what I want_. But, forgive me… I can’t base my decisions not knowing where _you_ stand. I think you assume things will just work out if you’re patient enough. Like I’ll magically know exactly what you want an’ hand it to you on a silver platter.” It was nice to share in small heartfelt grins of understanding.

Ben smirked, hand clasped at Justin’s nape. “Touche, Mr. Taylor… touche…”

Justin put the back of his hand against Ben’s skin. “You’re burning up.” He stood to pull out a washcloth to wet with cool water. “Is this typical too? A fever?”

“Sometimes. Immune system… shot… I’ll get colds an’ viruses quickly. Which… is another reason... why you shouldn’t be near me now…” Ben was slowly regaining his ability to breathe and speak in longer sentences.

Justin didn’t care. “Why?”

“You could catch what I have. Or worse… you could give me something you have. Something my body can’t defeat.”

“Can I, at least, uhm… finish helping you get ready for bed? I’ll stay out in the main room until it passes.”

“I kicked you out… moot point, I suppose…” Ben pet Justin’s cheeks, leaning their foreheads together.

“… oh, well… don't worry. _That_ Justin’s gone. _Yours_ is right here.”

“… mmm… mine…” Ben softly snickered. “… nice thought…”

“Can you stand now?”

“Yeah… maybe. You might want to lean me against the sink or a wall. Make it something solid in case I lose my balance. I don’t wanna fall and crush you.”

“I don’t mind. I like it a little rough in the bedroom.” Justin tried to laugh off the awkward moment with some light-heartedness. It didn’t come off very well as Ben couldn’t genuinely portray a smile to its full capacity.

“ _... ’m sorry…_ ” Ben rested on the sink ledge, allowing Justin to undress him. Periodically the cool, moist cloth would be run over his hot, feverish skin.

“What for?” Justin was slowly unbuttoning Ben’s shirt, letting the lapels drape open. He then moved to undo the cuff buttons. Drawing his hands from the sides of Ben’s waist, up his torso to the broad shoulders, he slid the fabric of the shirt off the wide upper body. He leaned forward as the clothing fell, to press delicate kisses to the strong breast bone.

 

Ben was beyond beautiful when it came to body physique. Justin admired from afar for awhile and was so glad to be here in this moment with Ben. He let his hands drop to Ben’s waist, starting to undo the fly. He had to lift Ben only slightly, to work the material down off his backside, leaving only the soft cotton gray undershorts on. He helped Ben step out of his pants, then relaxed against him.

“Can I stay for awhile?” Justin was actually holding Ben upright, even though he was leaning back on the sink ledge.

“Do you want to?” Ben pressed his cheek on the top of Justin head, needing his strength, for real.

“Yes… very much…” Justin leaned upward, softly kissing Ben, anywhere but his lips. “… please…”

Ben hooked his arm around Justin’s shoulder. “C’mon… I’m feeling dizzy again.”

“ _Wh--? Why didn’t you say something?!_ ” Justin “tsk-ed” like a concerned mother hen. “We could’ve had you in bed, laying down.”

“ _… ssshhh… ssshhh…_ there’s no need to get worked up. I’ll be fine by tomorrow morning, when this thing usually passes.”

“Ben, seriously, _why don’t you mention to your doctor that it can get this bad for you?_ ”

“Because, if I say one little thing, he takes me off the meds to put me on new ones, without really giving these meds a chance to work together. The cocktail I’m on has worked before, but my body has grown used to them. Like they're almost immune to the ways in which they actually help. So the lab values shift and make it look like tragedy is imminent. Stuff gets taken away or added, then I’m back to fuckin’ square one. An’ sometimes death seems preferable to this shit…” Ben plopped down weakly on the bed; Justin was quick to hug and hold him, petting him, shaping his hands over the bare skin of the muscled back.

“Don’t--don’t say that. You will outlive me. _You will!_ ” Justin shook his head, feeling tears rise in his eyes, but not fall. Ben shouldn’t see him cry, looking weak. “I jus’ don’t understand.” He wasn’t confused as much as wondering if anyone would ever find a full-proof cure and why medicine and science couldn’t find something that worked for everyone. “… I had no idea… I’m so sorry…”

“There are some drawbacks to being who we try to be, in order to make it through this world. Sometimes they happen once and they’re over. Finito, lesson learned. Other times, they last us an entire lifetime, following us into our death.”

“Please… don’t…” Justin rubbed a thumb pad over Ben’s lips, wishing he could kiss them. Instead, he simply meshed foreheads.

“Don’t- _what_? _Be real? Be honest?_ ”

“Talk about death and dying so easily.”

“Death _is_ my only ending, Justin. It is, for all of us. Mine just a little sooner.”

“No. Not for you, nor for me.” Little by little, Justin had taken off his own clothes, down to his briefs. He suddenly didn’t want to be anywhere but _in_ Ben’s arms. He climbed onto the bed and decided he was going to wait to see where Ben wanted to place himself. Once he was laying on his back, shifting over a bit to the center of the mattress, Justin shuffled over, as well, but he threw his right leg completely over Ben’s body, flipping finally to lay on top of Ben. Skin on skin contact. “I’m not about to let you go just, yet. We’ve barely even touched the surface of what’s between us.”

“Careful, Mr. Taylor… you’re starting to care too much. You might make me feel like you’re beginning to have feelings for me.”

“… and what if… I’ve had them already, Professor Bruckner?”

“Well, then I’d have to say -- _you are one complicated mess, Mr. Taylor._ But I know exactly what you’re going through, because I’m feeling the same way. I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.”

“ _… me too… me too…_ ”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Ben insisted Justin leave to go to his classes. He promised to just lay in bed, under covers and let Holden take over his class schedule.

Justin was nearly late to his first class because he wouldn’t leave without watching Ben as he fell back into slumber. He lay on his right side, hand tucked under his cheek, other hand flat to Ben’s chest, feeling the steady heartbeat and even breathing. He reluctantly stood to get ready, coming to the conclusion that maybe PIFA _wasn’t_ for him anymore. Not when so many people were telling him he had too much natural talent to squelch with teaching. What made him great and in demand was his unique ability to be unpredictable and way too honest.

He secretly agreed he would go to his next class and if he felt anything negative toward it, then he would find the student affairs office and look into how he could leave PIFA without being penalized. He went to shower, dressing in Ben’s clothes and then left with a quiet promise of returning within three to four hours.

Justin was also prepared to make a final decision concerning Brian. From the way Ben had acted like they were already a couple or at least together in some capacity, he knew Ben was feeling _something_. Even if it was the tiniest bit of emotion. It felt like more than he had ever gotten from Brian.

There was an excitement in his body of knowing he was making a sound, mature decision toward his future. He wished he had known beforehand how soon the roof would cave in on those newly made plans; He would’ve reached this epiphany stuff a lot quicker.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

When he left that morning, Justin had taken back the key Ben gave him. His routine had been quite fast-paced, but he had accomplished more than he thought he would’ve in such a short time. Had he known it was this easy to walk away from PIFA, things would’ve been handled differently. He was returning back to the apartment, an hour or so before noon. Once he started walking down the hallway, some part of him sparked into fear and dread. He didn’t know why, but he sprinted toward the front door, fiddling with the lock to get inside. When he was in, he devoured every nook-n-cranny, making sure things hadn’t changed.

So far, so good.

He entered the master bedroom, immediately heading to the bed to find tangled linens, but _no_ Ben. His head spun to look at the bathroom. Door was closed, light was on… but what set it apart from any _other_ time was the water caking the carpeting at the threshold.

Justin bolted to the door, pushing to get inside, but _something… someone?_ … was blocking his way. _Holy Crap! Ben?!? Shit!_ He must’ve passed out on the floor. The sink was overflowing. Adjusting the paneling a little wider, Justin was able to fit himself in sideways and sure enough...

He crumbled to one knee, trying to roll Ben onto his back, not caring about the inch of water on the tiled flooring. He checked along Ben’s neck and the artery on the wrist. Pulse was there, but faint. He bent low to press his cheek to Ben’s lips, relieved when he felt warm puffs of breath pelt his flesh. Justin fumbled for his cell phone and dialed 911.

He was amazed he could coherently talk in the face of such a startling discovery. He recalled Ben’s exact address and the apartment number. He stayed on the line as the operator suggested, twisting to turn off the sink water to hear her properly. He was able to open the door wider, since Ben was out of the way. He stepped out into the bedroom, moving to the window to watch the arrival of an ambulance and a single cop car. When he heard the knock on the apartment door, he hung up from 911.

The paramedics rushed into the bedroom, hurriedly going into work mode. They didn’t like moving Ben initially, not without knowing how Ben fell --  _ had he injured his neck or hit his head? _ \-- but they lifted him safely out of the bathroom onto the carpet in front of the King-sized bed frame. They needed to get him dry, so they could hook him to their EKG leads and then start him on an IV-drip once they located a strong heartbeat. They tried several times to agitate the center of Ben’s chest, but he wouldn’t awaken. They were in constant contact with the local ER, in the hospital they’d take Ben to, rattling off vital signs into their radio speakers attached to their shoulders.

Justin felt like he could be watching a movie or some random medical drama on television. He had seen enough to know, and understand, what was going on around him. But it wasn’t registering in his head this was happening to Ben and he was actually here, in the thick of the drama.

Justin’s eyes trailed along the path of the gurney carrying Ben out of the apartment. He wanted to run over, grab one of those hands pinned to his side, kiss the soft, pale skin. But he really had no true rights, nothing more than an close acquaintance to Ben. Maybe a “good friend” if Ben had been conscious enough to answer questions.

Justin heard his name, felt a light touch to the forearm across his chest. “ _ Wha--? Huh? _ I’m sorry. I’m, uh…”

“ _… hey, hey…_ ” The uniformed police officer smiled reassuringly. “… it’ll be okay. He’s stable for transport an’ it’s a good thing he’s not awake to react to any of this.”

‘I’m just--he’s--” It was odd Justin could clearly discover his role in this whole mess, but also be slammed directly into the wall of his own feelings. “… he’s become important to me an’ we… well, he warned me of moments like this, but he wasn’t _great_. He said this was ‘typical’ for him.”

“All I know, Mr. Taylor, is that your friend owes you his life. There’s no telling how long he could have been laying there facedown in the water. Had you not returned, he may have--”

“… _drowned… while unconscious_ …” Justin couldn’t help getting that thought out of his head, especially when the mutterings of everyone filtered around him and into his ears.

“… sounds weird, I know. Stranger things have happened. Does Mr. Bruckner have anyone who needs to be called?”

“Uh… no, no… well, maybe. Once things settle down.” Justin was thinking about Michael, for some odd reason.

“Mr. Bruckner’s a teacher?”

“Professor. At Carnegie Mellon.”

“You might want to give a call to his boss. There’s no telling when he could wake up.”

Justin realized suddenly he hadn't even asked where they had taken Ben once he was placed in the ambulance. “Where are they taking him? Downtown?” He knew that hospital quite exclusively, with his own traumatic event.

The police officer slowly nodded his head. “ER’s already prepared for him. He’ll be considered a Trauma until they can medically clear him.”

“Is it because he may or may not have hit his head?”

“Yes… exactly.” The police officer noticed the young man wrapping his arms about his thin body, hands gripping tight and eyes staring dead ahead. “You’re doing fine.” The tragedy hadn't settled in the brain yet, but the telling signs of shivering, from the inside out, were beginning. “Do you need to call someone to come be with you?”

“Uhm… not at the moment. I think I need to calm down and arrange everything in my head.”

“Understandable. Do you need a ride to the hospital? I can have an additional cruiser sent to take you over.”

“Can you? Can we leave now? I don’t want to not be there, at the hospital, in case Ben wakes up. They might need someone there to--” Justin covered his mouth with a hand, closing his eyes tight to squelch his need to burst out in tears.

“Do you know if Mr. Bruckner signed over control of his medical care, should something like this occur?”

“I don’t know if he put something in writing exactly.” Justin thought about lying, but enough had already been added to the stress and trouble. “I could take a look around in his personal files and see if he--” Then he recalled a Day Planner Ben normally kept in his satchel. It could hold anything, and everything, of Ben’s important appointments and a few other handy necessary pieces of information.

“I’ll be over here, jotting some notes down for my report. I’ll take pictures of the scene, as well, just to let you know…”

“Thanks, sir.”

Justin found the satchel, then opened it to dig around inside. He found the leather-bound zippered book he had seen Ben carry with him sometimes, other times when he would take out a pen or pencil to jot down information needed later in the weeks to come. He unzipped it to find the mother-load of any and all that he would need to know about Professor Benjamin Bruckner. Not only had Ben written down emergency contacts, he had also scribbled detailed “in case of” scenarios in the event of a health scare like this. Justin chuckled softly, tearing up, knowing how Ben made fun of himself and his penchant for going a bit overboard, scribbling everything down and becoming so specific right down to every last question.

This was no joke, though--- like what Ben had said to him the other day when they had their fight. This… was a chance to see if the things Ben had planned for, in the future, panned out. This was Ben’s life in the balance and what Justin held in his hand was going to help guide him through. If he could prevent his heart from interfering before he got his head screwed on tight.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin had quite a few things set in motion before he entered the hospital. Dr. Hines was already there in the Trauma Room. He came out to get the rest of the story from Justin.

“Mr. Taylor…”

“Dr. Hines… I wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”

“Yeah, they contacted me. Ben was here once before. I came right over as soon as I could.” Dr. Hines had taken off his glasses, using them to gesture to Justin an area of waiting room chairs they could sit down on. Once they were seated, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Would you mind telling me about Ben’s condition over the last few days, since the appointment?”

“He’s been fine up until yesterday.” Justin kept his eyes glued tot he tiled flooring, his hands palm to palm and clamped between his thighs. “It’s like it happened instantly. He told me it was ‘normal’ for him to react with the nausea and dizziness, when the dosages changed or when he’d been given a new med.” He spared a small glance up to Dr. Hines. “He said you’ve known how severe it can get, at times. He was worried you’d take him off them, without finding out if they would’ve worked or not.”

“Well, he’s right, but I can only do my job if I’m being told the truth.” Dr. Hines uncrossed his arms, now seated back in the chair. He placed his arm up along the top of the row of seating, then crossed his right leg over his left knee. “Unfortunately, what Ben did is _not_ uncommon amongst my patients. It’s difficult to get them to trust me, make them know I _do_ have their best interests at heart. My work with AIDs and HIV doesn’t afford me the right to pull a big ego and ‘play God’.”

“Is there any way to know what caused him to--?”

"Ben wouldn’t like knowing how very ordinary he really is.” Dr. Hines released a smalled encouraging grin. “He’s--he’s had a severely tragic reaction to the medication, Mr. Taylor. He’s now in what’s termed a ‘drug-induced coma’.”

“ _A coma?_ I thought--” Justin didn't know what to say or how to reply. Not even how to react. He simply went numb. “I thought he only fainted, going unconscious. _Is this--? This is serious, isn’t it? Could he die?_ ”

Dr. Hines pinched his lips together, not wanting to scare the young man. “We have to start backward and pinpoint exactly which of the drugs set him off-kilter. Once we’ve counter-acted that drug, or drugs, and its major side effects are out of his system, then… _maybe_ … he’ll wake up and regain consciousness.”

“Can I--am I able to see him?” Justin wanted to wash away that last image of Ben from his mind, refresh it with a new one.

Dr. Hines rubbed his chin. “Normally I’m pretty sure the hospital forbids _non-family members_ entrance.” He squinted his eyes to look deep into Justin’s face. “… but seeing as you _practically_ saved his life and **I've met** you outside, I know that you’re probably the only thing close to ‘family’ he has. I can fudge the info and say you _are_ related.”

Justin was relieved, almost getting misty-eyed. “Thank you… so much…”

“Don’t mention it.” Dr. Hines clamped a hand on Justin's shoulder joint. “Give us a few more minutes with him. He’ll be downgraded out of Trauma and moved into one of our ER transition rooms. He could be there for awhile, until he’s stabilized and the room’s ready.”

“Will he--will he have to stay long in the hospital?”

“We have to wait… get him past the coma stage. Then it’s up to Ben, what he feels needs to be done to get back on track.”

“Sounds--sounds like things are pretty cut-n-dried at this point.” Justin bit his bottom lip. “How long do comas usually last?”

“Normally comas from head traumas depend on the patient’s own recovery time.” Dr. Hines sat forward, his forearms on his thighs as he tried to lower his gaze to catch Justin's eyes. “Ben’s coma was more drug-related, so once his system’s been flushed, it’ll be up to him to wake up. That, Mr. Taylor, is where you come in.”

“Me?” Justin perked up, his back ramrod straight as bewilderment filled his eyes.

“It’s why I want you here, by his side.” Dr. Hines sat upright, leaning a little on his left side in the chair's cushions to face Justin. “He needs to feel you… hear you… even smell you. There’s ‘triggers’ in the brain -- _the subconscious_ – and they send signals to neurotransmitters into stored memories. If they’re powerful enough, Ben will _want_ to come out.”

“Sooo… no pressure, huh?” Justin attempted to joke as he was becoming fascinated with the doctor's ability to explain to him clearly the state Ben was in, which also led him to believe this was the same scenario he had been in after the bashing incident with Hobbs.

Dr. Hines snickered, shaking his head. “No, none at all. Look...” He could still notice residual signs of fear and worry. “... I’ve been treating Ben since he’s been diagnosed. He’s never brought anyone with him. EVER. I figured you’ve gotta be special to him, if you’ve been able to crack through that hard, tough veneer of his.”

Justin had sense enough to blushed, looking bashful. “Oh… I don’t know, but I do think he's pretty amazing.”

“Well, that can be a good start.” Dr. Hines squeezed Justin’s forearm in comfort. “Don’t underestimate your worth. This…” He used one hand, in mid-air, to move around to encompass the survivors of the afflicted dealing with the illness as well. “... can be a thankless, tireless situation to be involved in. Everyone’s taking a slice of the humble pie, trying not to step on toes an’ be a unnecessary burden. If people only knew how much power human connection holds with this disease… _any disease_ … there’d be a lot more of them living healthy and healing properly.”

“I’m sorry.” Justin had an immediate fear he had misjudged and done something inappropriate.

“ _For what?_ ” Dr. Hines furrowed his brow in confusion, with a tinge of curiosity.

“I, uh… I know this sounds lame, but I didn’t get a good first impression of you a few days ago.” Justin cleared his throat, using a hand to roll over and over to explain how naive and childish he had been. “I had assumed you were cool and distant for a reason because that was _how you were_ as a person. It never dawned on me that you have to force yourself to _not_ to get too close to patients in your line of work.”

Dr. Hines was stunned by the simple admission, and quiet apology, especially in the wake of such a trauma in this young man's life. “There’s a way I handle myself in the office. I know _they_ don’t need me to be wishy-washy. Nor do they need me to become their mother and coddle them, make sure they eat their leafy green veggies and wipe their asses for them.” He enjoyed sharing a mutual laugh with Justin. “They want independence, they don’t want to be bothered. Or be a 'bother'. They want to be healthy, plain-n-simple. But sometimes the disease wins--” This was the saddest aspect of his career.

“I like _this version_ of you better.” Justin leaned back, almost slumping in his chair as he threaded his fingers over his middle, resting the bond on his stomach. “ _This one_ I can handle.” Funny how one person's acceptance of him gave him a single boost of ultra-confidence of his ability to mature at the right time.

“Well, good… because from now on Ben’s care has taken a different turn.” Dr. Hines could suddenly see a difference in Justin's attitude toward him, which would be great for future appointments, once they had gotten Ben over this difficult hurdle. He needed to know Justin was in his corner, and he could be a mediator between he and Ben when things seemed precarious and dangerous. “I’d like to know that I have your backing, that you trust me to know what I’m doing for Ben. He will see it as me screwin’ with his meds again, but I don’t take incidents like this lightly. It’s time to mean business, to be able to prevent these things from happening.”

“He should’ve taken the new med under supervision, huh?”

“That was the independence I told you about. Ben has a right to decide his care. But next time, you and I will have to be more insistent he bring himself in when meds are switched. I say the drugs need the three-to-four week leeway, only because sometimes it _does_ take that long, or bad reactions take that long to fix. But in reality, if the drug is compatible with the rest of the cocktail, he could be looking at no more than five days inside the hospital. Maybe even less, depending on how healthy he was prior to admission tot he hospital.”

“I couldn't agree with you more.” Justin liked hearing himself being included in Ben’s care, in the future. “Seeing the moment from my side, I can tell you… I don’t wanna go through that shit again. I thought he was--”

“ _… dead?_ ” Dr. Hines supplied the answer as if he had just stated Ben's favorite color.

“Yeah… _not_ a good feeling to have when he was talking with me short of four hours before.”

“Okay, then…” Dr. Hines got up from the chair, turning toward Justin as he noticed him standing along with him. “... give me and the staff a few more minutes. I’ll come back out and bring you in to see him. I know you’ve been waiting long enough.”

“I really appreciate this, Dr. Hines.” There were just no words in what to say to thank Dr. Hines for his ease with their entire conversation. Yet another older adult who treated him as an equal. It was refreshing.

“Not a problem. I think you and I have the same goal -- _Ben’s best interests and his well-being_. So let’s not lose sight of that. Do you--?” Dr. Hines looked about the waiting area, playing with the length of his tie over his button-down shirt. “Is there someone you need us to call? It’s gonna be a long night ahead.”

“Uhm… maybe later, after I see Ben on my own.” Justin brushed away the kindness, folding his arms over his chest, tucking his shaking hands away. “There’s someone I could call. See if they’d come sit with me to wait this out, until he gets the room.” This was going to be a helluva longshot of a phone call, but Justin had good feelings on the choice he was making.

“Do that, please... for me.” Dr. Hines put a comforting hand around Justin’s shoulder, soothing a bit over the shoulder blade. He wished he could do more for Justin. “You’re kind of my ‘hero’ right now. Patients don’t normally make it through this stage. Ben’s one of my favorites and I’ve been doing this since the AIDs epidemic began.”

Justin nodded his head in agreement in how special Ben was to everyone he had come into contact with. “He’s special to me too.”

“I’m gonna worry about you now. I’d like to be able to reassure Ben you’re okay… should he wake up, if you’re not around.”

“Is he--?” Justin moved his hand around his own face. “… does he look alright?” He only recalled Ben’s position on the floor, appearing as if he slammed his head or smacked something hard when he fell.

“Uhm… there’s a nasty-looking bruise, which will darken, on his right temple.” Dr. hines used his fingers to point out the position on his own head. “It’s high on the hairline. He’s not--we’ve not hooked him up to any exterior breathing apparatus, if that’s what you mean.” He placed two fingers under his nose, below his nostrils. “We’ve got him on low levels of oxygen, with the nasal cannula. That’s only because his SATs -- _the percentage of oxygen he’s breathing_ \-- aren’t where they need to be. It’s common. Nothing to be worried over.”

“Good. Good. I’m glad. Thank you so much for--” Justin was becoming choked up again. “… well, this is a heavy responsibility, but I’m thrilled you think so highly of me.”

“We all have choices in life. It’s up to us to step to the plate and take that swing. Better than sitting on the bench, warming the seat the entire game.”

Justin softly chuckled. “Baseball fan, huh?”

“… _hehehe_ … guilty as charged.” Dr. Hines held up both hands, palms out, as if he was being arrested, found guilty. “I started coaching my grandson’s little league team last weekend. It’s just nice to give the pep-talk speech to someone over ten.” He gave a small wave and walked away.

Justin couldn’t help but release a huge sigh, swiping hands up and down his face. He felt such a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He brought out Ben’s day planner, pulling out his own cell phone. He dialed a number, mentally “crossing his fingers” this would work in his favor.

No time like the present to start over again…

The ringing was answered shortly, a voice coming over the line to say a simple, “ _ **H’lo?**_ ”

 _ “Hey, uh… it’s--it’s me… uh, Justin.” _ Justin closed his eyes, hopeful he wouldn’t be shut off.  _ “I got your number, from a mutual friend...”  _ He snickered lightly. _ “… no, uhm… Ben, actually…” _ He waited a beat for the explosion of anger.  _ “… well, he hasn’t come out and told me -- point blank -- but it was kind of obvious that's what happened between you two. But that’s not why I’m calling you…”  _ He slapped a hand over his eyes, emotions rising high inside. He just wished he had a friend to talk to, someone close to him to confide in. Ben had been _ **it** _ . It felt natural to step down and go to the next logical person, during this time. _ “Uh… Ben… Jesus… I’m so sorry, Michael, to be bothering you… but Ben is--Ben’s in a coma…”  _ All he heard was silence, so he went on with his dialogue, **** **_ “… I found him, in his apartment… lying on the floor of the bathroom… Christ!… fuck!… I thought he was dead… but I--I moved him. I know I wasn’t supposed to do that, but I had to feel his pulse. I had to… to know he was alright, make sure he was breathing… that his heart was still beating…” _ **   
**  
** ** “ ** **_ **Justin…** _ ** ** ” **

_ “… yeah?” _   
**  
** ** “ ** **_ **… breathe for me, please… you’re speaking too fast and your words are jumbling together… just breathe in… and then out… c’mon…** _ ** ** ” **

Justin did that, wiping under his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve. _“… I don’t--I didn’t know who to call… who to trust or who would understand… an’ I thought… well, I figured you still must have feelings for Ben… an’, uh… Vic, your uncle, didn’t he--Debbie had mentioned something about Vic havin’ been in a coma, once… so I…”_

 ** “ ** **_ **Justin!** _ ** ** ” **

_ “I’m sorry. I-I-I don’t know why I’m blubbering with you, like this. I don’t--I know you and I have never been much of anything to one another. I jus’--I don’t have anyone else to call…”  _ Justin nearly sobbed outright from that fact alone.

** “ ** **_ **Where are you?** _ ** ** ” **

_ “Downtown. The ER in the hospital downtown. Name escapes me. Some kind of Catholic nun or saint-thing, I think. This whole night’s been a huge blur…”  _ Justin heard nothing but silence. He thought their connection had been dropped. _ “Hello? Michael? Are you--?” _   
**  
** ** “ ** **_ **Sorry. Talking to someone else. Sit tight, okay? I’m on my way.** _ ** ** ” **

Justin placed a shaking hand over his quivering lips. _“… thank you… so, so much… I know…”_ The phone clicked dead in his ear. Michael had hung up. Justin was still appreciative and grateful for someone coming to be with him. Even though it was his… _enemy_?

 _ Was it true? Were they really rivals anymore? _ _ Were they rivals if Michael didn’t fight for Ben, simply walking away? Were they rivals if those feelings Justin once had for Brian were transitioning into stronger feelings for Ben? _

If Ben and Michael were no longer dating, then Ben was single. That left Justin the only one connected to another person…  _ somehow, someway _ … he was going to have to rectify that problem.

 

 **~~TBC...**


	9. Chapter 9

  
Justin was stunned by how quickly Michael arrived. He had closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the wall and only drifted off for what felt like five-to-ten minutes. When he lifted his lids, someone shook him awake… wide blue eyes connected with warm, curious brown. 

“ _… oh… my God…_ ” Justin nearly choked on his own saliva. “… you’re here.” He tried to sit up, though he was utterly exhausted.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Michael wrinkled his brow in curiosity. “You called -- _which is rare_ \-- and it sounded like you needed someone.” He took the empty seat next to Justin’s chair. “It jus’ happened to be me.”

“I didn’t--” Justin swiped over his face, hoping to wake fully. “I wasn’t sure if I was bothering you or you were busy.” His head snapped around. “ _You weren’t, were you?_ ” He was expecting to be chewed out for disrupting something between he and, possibly, Brian. But nothing came out that was nasty or venomous. “ _In the middle of something important?_ ”

Michael bit the inside of his cheek. In due time… all in due time, he could reveal to Justin where he had been… whom he had been with. “Have they let you see him?” He latched hand on the back of Justin’s seat.

“Uh, yeah… for a few minutes.” Justin blinked slowly, holding back on a yawn as he turned his head and covered his mouth. He kept his hands on his thighs, nearer to his knees. “Ben’s physician is writing me in as ‘family’. Says I could probably help him come out of his coma.” He was only rambling on, not paying attention to the shocked expression on Michael face. “… like, say, if he heard my voice or something…”

Michael wasn’t sure he liked hearing this right now. _Justin knew Ben’s doctor?_ Not only that… _he was going to be considered as close as “family”? How long had Justin been seeing Ben? Was he the reason Ben had lost interest in him?_ It really didn’t help to interrogate Justin right now. “Same thing happened to Vic.” Plus, he recalled quite a few times of Brian encouraging him to “be nicer” to Justin, maybe there wouldn’t be so much _tension_ between them. “They encouraged us to talk to him, as we always would do normally. Maybe something we said… a word… a, uh… simple _‘I love you. Come back to me. Don’t leave’_ … that type of stuff. It helps stimulate their brain activity. They also wanted us to touch him… caress his forearm… his face… kiss him. Ma and I pretty much took it as **‘Whatever it takes, do it’**. Ma played board games and card games with him. **I** didn’t go that far… ‘cause it looked silly and I’m a sore loser.” He lightly snickered to Justin’s smile and the quick roll of his eyes at the witty humor. “Anyway, it’s important to let them know everything we feel like telling them, as if they _weren’t_ in a coma.”

“I, uh… Ben told me you two were in a ‘cooling period’. He hasn’t been able to reach you for the last few weeks or so. He—he’s told me he moved on, I think.” Justin didn’t want to mash himself in with Ben’s sexual relationship with Holden. “ _Was it a mutual decision?_ ”

Michael shook his head, not sure what he should tell Justin. “I initiated it, because Ben was growing distant, even after we started--” He stopped himself from admitting how far they _had_ gone, intimately. It wasn’t any of Justin’s business. “Either way, Ben agreed things weren’t progressing like we thought they should be. So I guess… _yes_ …”

“You--” Justin coughed and cleared his throat, eyes glancing toward a double set of doors in his line of sight. “… _do you think you two’ll get back together?_ ” He slowly brought his head back around to look into Michael’s face.

Michael lifted both eyebrows, hearing more of an interest for the sake of Ben, more than curious about him and Brian. “Are you asking me if I’m still interested in a relationship or if I’m still attracted to Ben?”

“Yes…” Justin nodded his head, smiling awkwardly. “… pretty much.”

“Sorry, that’s between Ben and I.” Michael furrowed his brow, twisting away to rub a hand along his jaw in contemplation. “I’m curious… _why are you even asking?_ ”

“Because I, uh…” Justin sat forward, leaning over into Michael’s space. He kept his voice low and even-toned. “… _I’m starting to have feelings for Ben_.”

“Oh…” This surprised Michael, especially after Justin’s “feelings” for Brian had created that rift between them. “… yeah. Makes sense.” He really didn’t know how to respond to the information. It was as if it strangely _comforted_ him. To know Justin may have been slipping out on the sly with Ben, while he had been with Brian. “Over the phone, I thought it was weird when you told me how you’d found him _in his apartment_. I had no idea you knew where he lived. _How long?_ ”

“Not very. Just recently.” Justin had some idea Michael was still on the idea of him “falling in love”, not stuck on the fact he could have been “seeing” Ben without his knowledge. Well, some knowledge, but it remained a mystery, even to them.

“No… _how long have you two been close?_ Brian told me you two had been _becoming friendlier_.” Michael brought his hand back to his body, crossing his arms over his chest. “I had no idea.” _And what would he have done had he known? Hmm…_

“… ‘bout a month, maybe a little more.” Justin kept averting his eyes and head as he talked, confessing more than he knew he would. “I, uh… stopped by your apartment one night to talk to you.” He watched Michael frown at the admission of wanting to “talk to him”. “You weren’t there, but Ben was. We just started talking since then an’, uh…” He used his hand, rolling over and over, to show a natural progression of things. “ _… here we are…_ ”

“Justin…” Michael didn’t know how he felt once he knew this, if it would anger him or not. “ _Did you--? Have you and Ben--?_ ” He was finally able to look directly into Justin’s face as he asked. “ _… have you two had sex?_ ”

Justin smirked, one side of his mouth lifting up. “Define ‘sex’, in the aspect of an HIV Poz survivor.” He had some idea Michael may have gotten further with Ben than him… or maybe not. It made him consider that Holden could be in the same boat too. Knowing that fact made Justin feel that he now _knew_ , for certain, Ben felt deeper feelings for him than any other man he had been with.

“ _Oh-kay… wow…_ you got me there.” Michael looked at Justin under lowered lashes. “ _And do you still want to be with Brian?_ ” That was the biggest confusion for Michael at this point. If Justin was going to try this hard to stay at Ben’s side through this ordeal, he and Brian might grow more distant. Michael knew Brian wouldn’t tolerate this kind of… _was it really desertion or cheating?_ Especially if they had done it before to one another? This time, though, it was with someone Brian knew, someone Brian had been with previously.

“That has been slowly disappearing as I’ve grown closer to Ben.” Justin sat up further in the seat, hands folded and entwined over his abdomen. “I haven’t been truly intimate with Brian in weeks. I just haven’t felt him _wanting me_ as much as he used to.”

Michael nodded his head in understanding. Especially since he knew why Brian was no longer showing interest. “ _Does Ben return your feelings?_ ”

“That’s what confuses me. Even now. _I think he does_ , but I’m not sure. He struggles a lot, with his feelings. _Fuck--_ ” Justin sighed heavily, his head lulling backward against the solid wall. “I’m not sure of much anymore.”

“ _But you are certain of your feelings?_ ”

“Yeah. Very sure.” Justin turned watery blue eyes toward Michael. “I don’t--I don’t want him to die. Not without knowing, you know?”

“Yeah.” Michael had to turn his head away for a minute, because he had been compelled to do something he never thought he would do with Justin -- _actually console him, with an arm around his shoulders_. So he started with the words first, his hand clamped on the arm rest of the two chairs. “I was the same way with Vic. Funny thing was… _he already knew_. We didn’t vocalize our feelings every day. I love him like a father, he loves me likes a son. Pure blood or not.”

Justin had kept his head bowed, listening closely, then reached out to grip Michael’s hand tight, wishing he didn’t need him so much right now. He really wanted Ben, since they had become close of late. But Ben was the _very problem_ he needed consoling for… and Michael was here and-- _fuck!_

Michael allowed Justin to touch him with that sad desperation of not knowing where to go or whom to turn to. He knew _that_ feeling, often felt that way, too, which was why he turned his hand over, under-clamping his palm to Justin’s hand. “… an' he’s not going to die. Not tonight, at least. He’ll come back, because he’s got to talk to you. There’s something in him that needs to come out. He would’ve been gone quick, if his time was up. He still has unfinished business, so you’ve got time. When he wakes up… that time will be more precious an’ you’ll no longer take things for granted.”

“I’m sorry.” Justin shook his head, eyes closing with such a feeling of heavy guilt. He had no right to use Michael for this purpose.

“ _For what?_ ” Michael shot backward a bit in shock. It felt like the apology was for more than this moment.

“You’re being awfully nice and kind to me, in spite of how I’ve treated you, taking you for granted.” Justin liked that Michael was actually reacting to his words. The subtle smile, the easy shift in a friendly shoulder **(** _hand to grip_ **)** to cry on. “You’d be please to know that Ben’s tried _very hard_ to sway my ‘vote’ in your direction. He’s allowed me to see what I’ve been doing, all this time -- _to you, to Brian… to myself_.”

“ _Really?_ ” Michael wasn’t surprised. Ben often tried to understand the animosity that still brewed between he and Justin. Even Brian did, from time to time, when he cared enough. “That must’ve been fun. Hearing about me even when I’m not there.”

“It’s easier with Ben.” It was. Ben was more open with his past feelings for Michael, whereas Brian… well, Brian often told him to pretty much “fuck off”, so Justin would and then conjure up his own ideas about Michael. “With Brian, you’re _everywhere_. You’re all over him. Even the _little things_ pissed me off.”

“ _Little things?_ ” Michael wrinkled his brow in befuddlement.

“Like a simple picture of you on Brian’s dresser. Seeing _tha_ t every morning--” Justin pretended like a chill went down his back. “I wrote you off as weak. I saw you as a rival an’ that wasn’t fair to you. Blame it on the combination of jealousy or envy. I had Brian, the way you most wanted; you had Brian, the way I began to want him. I’ve made you suffer needlessly. I’m not normally that childish or vindictive. Don’t know where that side of me came from. One day, I hope you can forgive me.”

_**WOW!** _ Michael was completely floored. _What in the hell had Ben done to Boy Wonder?_ It was like a new version of Justin Taylor. _Or was it that old version of Justin before he met Brian Kinney?_ “Justin…” 

“ _What?_ ”

Michael pointed toward the opening double doors. “Looks like they’re ready for you again.”

Dr. Hines had returned, waving Justin over to the nurse’s station.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be.” Justin was slow to stand, not sure he could do this on his own. What he did know was that Michael wasn’t close to Ben anymore and the situation would be terribly awkward. So he understood not to trouble Michael with asking him to come with him. “ _Will you--?_ ” He turned their hand-clenching into a modest handshake formation, but cupping his other hand around the top of Michael’s. “ _… will you wait for me?_ ”

“ _Do you want me to?_ ” Michael didn’t know how to respond with Justin wanting him to stick around.

“Yes… yes… there’s more I should be doing for Ben. I think that’s where you’ll truly be an asset for me.” Justin released Michael’s hand reluctantly, tucking his hands in his back jean pockets. “Once I know he’s settled an’ up in a room, then I'll feel I can really be of some use.” He picked up Ben’s day planner, passing it over to Michael. “Can you hold this for me? I don’t want to lose it.” He wanted both of his hands to _touch_ Ben with, _hold_ him… do _whatever_ he needed to do to bring him back to consciousness. Plus, Justin completely trusted Michael into keeping the leatherbound book in his possession.

“Sure… sure…” Michael tucked the book under his arm, moving to stand and clasp a hand on Justin’s arm. “… _you gonna be okay?_ ” He wanted to know if Justin needed him to call someone else, like Jennifer… his mother… or even his own mother, Debbie.

“Yeah.” Justin nodded his head slowly, small smile seeping out. “I think I will.” Now that he knew he could be by Ben’s side for the rest of this hospital stay, until Ben was sent home, he was content and calm. “Because it doesn’t help Ben to see me weak and helpless, does it?”

“No.” Michael shook his head, sharing in a tiny grin, as well. He folded his arms over his chest, watching Justin closely. “No, it doesn’t.”

Justin slowly backed up and walked away.

When Justin's back had disappeared behind the closing swinging doors, Michael immediately got on his cell phone, speed dialing a number. The extension was answered in under one ring _. “Yeah… it’s me… are you sitting down?… eh, no reason… you were right… I know, I know… ha-ha, funny man… look, you’re gonna wanna hear what I have to tell you…”  
_  
~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin stayed by Dr. Hines’s side until they both could head into Ben’s cubicle. He attempted to calculate how long it had been since seeing Ben being wheeled out the apartment. Coupled with the four hours he was off doing errands this morning, it was almost close to six, closer to seven hours, maybe. He really didn’t know how he would react to seeing Ben. It was surreal. In one ear to hear the machines keeping track of vital signs, the other ear hearing Dr. Hines rattle off some instructions to the nurse attending Ben’s care. Every so often, Dr. Hines would point to Justin, the nurse smiling sweetly and nodding her head.

Moving up the gurney, wrists resting on the hard plastic railing, Justin allowed his gaze to travel upward, from the foot of the bed. There was a soft light-blue fleece blanket over the long muscular legs. He could tell the two feet tenting beneath the fabric. As he came up the thighs, he could see exposed skin of a right forearm and where the IV had been inserted. There was also a tiny white box clamped to the hand’s index finger. Someone had properly folded the arms outside the blankets, making Ben appear as if he was simply asleep.

Justin let his eyes roam upward further, reaching a hand over the railing to keep his palm mere inches from the chest wall. He closed his eyes, willing to prove his theory as he lowered his hand. Ben’s breathing expanded his chest to meet Justin’s palm. Justin reopened his eyes, the five-fingered spread clutching the material of the pastel hospital gown. There were bumps and wires on Ben’s chest, recording his heart rate. He finally ended at the top of Ben’s body. A pillow was stuffed under the neck and head to keep the muscles straight, facing dead ahead, somewhat at an angle to not block the windpipe. Save for the oxygen tubing, Ben did look as if he was only in a deep, trance-like state of slumber.

Justin rubbed the back of his hand over the right cheek and jawline, his throat catching as he felt the shock of warm skin against his own. “ _… you jackass… fuckin’ dumb jackass… scare me like that!_ ” He roughly swiped under his own eyes. “This is what you meant, huh? Teaching me another life lesson?… well, I don’t like this one. I wanna 'do over'. I want-- _fuck!_ I want to try again an’ get it _right_ this time. I knew you didn’t look--you jus’ weren’t _yourself_. Your skin color… the look in your eyes. I _knew_. _I fuckin’ knew!_ But I figured you would know best. Won’t make that mistake again.” Justin lowered his head, lips at Ben’s ear. “ _… you won this round, Professor Bruckner. Now you raised the bar an’ upped the ante. You can’t shake me lose with a minor setback like this. I’m not scared. You don’t scare me anymore. Sit back… an’ watch what I can do…_ ”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **43hrs later…**

Michael was watching from the open doorway. “He’s been here since they found Ben a room. I’ve tried to get him to leave, let me sit for awhile, but he won’t budge.” He had caught Justin sitting forward in a chair, arms folded and head bowed over the arms, asleep. Justin told Michael he was only going to catch a small nap, but he had been sleeping at the awkward angle for going on twenty-to-twenty-five minutes. That’s when Michael had asked for the reclining sleeping chair, which Justin was in now.

“ _… an’ what kind of magic do you think I can conjure up?_ ” Brian was leaning on the doorjamb, one foot propped up, flat to the structure, his arms V-ed down in front of him. Periodically, he would look over his shoulder at the sight of Justin slumbering at Ben’s bedside. “He seems to have made his decision. An’ he’s sticking to it.”

“Stop acting jealous.” Michael rolled his eyes, shaking his head at Brian’s tone of voice. “Like you’re a hurt, dejected boyfriend.”

“He was in my bed--in my loft…” Brian kept poking at himself at each time he said “my”. “… mere weeks ago…” Then crossed his arms in a huff.

“Yeah, _to which you’ve decided to let go of him, right?… an’ let me be with you?_ ” Michael frowned, hoping he had this correct. “ _Haven’t you?_ ” He tilted his head in a questioning manner.

Brian rubbed a hand over his cheek and jaw. “Don’t act jealous now. Justin and I haven’t been physical, with one another, since--” It had been much too long of a dry spell to even mention.

“I know, I know.” Michael waved his hand in the air to show Brian he didn’t have to explain. He wasn’t blind… or stupid. “ _I want to know why you two still hang on, when it’s obviously over?_ ”

Brian dropped his arms, crossing them low at his back. “I could ask the same of you and Benjamin.” He held his chin high, quite proud of himself for no reason.

“Justin called _me_.” Michael pointed at himself, then gestured over to Justin in the distance. “I’m here for _him_.” He made his voice drop an octave lower, like a deep whisper only between them. “You know I came to you, in New York , because _I chose you, not Ben_.”

“ _Why now?_ ” Brian didn’t comprehend why, all of a sudden, Michael had to play nice with Justin. “You never liked the kid before.”

“Because…” Michael pushed off the other side of the doorjamb to come toward Brian. “… _asshole_ … someone keeps tellin’ me I need to cut the poor kid some slack.” He lifted both eyebrows, looking toward Brian. “That maybe I’m contributing to this… _weirdness_ between him and I. I was taking _this situation_ as a sign to use the advice.”

“ _Why the fuck would you ever listen to what I say?_ ” Brian threw both hands up in exasperation. _Now Michael wanted to take his advice?_

Michael lifted a hand slowly, looking as if he was tenderly going to touch Brian, but once the hand cupped the rounded shoulder joint he gently shoved him inside the room. “ _Will you fuckin’ get in there already!_ ” He stepped back beyond the doorway threshold, only because he didn’t really want to hear what Brian and Justin had to say to one another. He wouldn’t want Justin listening to his private conversations with Brian, so he wouldn’t do it to Justin. “Hurry, or we’ll be late pickin’ up Gus.”

“All right… _all right!_ ” Brian back-walked into the room, holding out his hands to ward off Michael’s physical need to drive his point home. “Against my better judgment, I’ll do this, but I want you to know how idiotic this is.” He didn't actually think this thought, he was merely hating the fact he felt like he was walking into the room -- _facing Ben and Justin_ \-- with his tail between his legs.

“Noted.” Michael chucked his thumb over his shoulder, motioning toward a section of a smaller waiting room. “I’ll wait for you over there.”

“Mmm… figures.” Brian made an annoyed face as he moved closer to the hospital bed. “You aren’t gonna, like… watch over my shoulder, make sure I follow your orders?”

“I know you will, because you love me.” Michael couldn’t help but throw that last comment in there, knowing that Brian’s first instinct would be to agree with whatever he said. “An’ beyond your control you _do_ manage to care about his welfare.” He gestured with his chin toward Justin. He couldn’t deny Brian felt _something_ for the young man, but if it was any kind of affection it sure wasn’t something he held akin to what Brian felt for anyone else in his life. Michael turned to wandered away, keeping a side-long glance at Brian as he left.

“ _Eh… whatever…_ ” Brian mumbled, twisting about to approach the gurney, then shuffled with hesitative steps. He couldn’t help noticing how it looked as if Justin had “moved in”. The recliner chair he was lightly dozing in looked comfy. He glanced down at Ben, then up to Justin, not seeing _any_ signs of how they could be attracted to one another. Brian wondered how he could get Justin to wake up, without really waking him the normal method. So he thought about agitating Ben somehow, then sure enough… Justin shook himself awake.

“ _… Ben?!_ ” Justin called out in a rush of breath.

“No… Brian…” Brian sighed heavily as he spoke. “Ben’s in a c-o-m-a.”

“ _Christ!_ ” Justin rolled his eyes, throwing the blanket over his head. “My worst nightmare come true.” He peeked over the blanket hem. “ _What are you doing here?_ ”

“ _Mmm…_ ” Brian planted his feet apart, hands gripped and splayed on the hard plastic railing. “… _did I wake you on the wrong side of the recliner?_ ”

“Brian…” Justin shook his head, already knowing what Brian would say. He couldn’t hide away now. There was no denying what Brian could plainly see.

“Wait… lemme guess…” Brian tapped a finger on his chin. “… you’ve got _something_ to tell me, don’t you?.”

“ _Shit!_ ” Justin wiped at his eyes. “I wanted to do this in a _different_ setting -- _just you and I_ \-- after Ben woke up.”

“And…” Brian lifted an eyebrow in curiosity. Just how far ahead had Justin planned this, or was he hoping to carry the secret out a little longer? “ _… what if he never does? Are we--?_ For this big, potential chatter-fest we're supposed to have, _would you have put us on hold until then?_ ”

“Brian, _please…_ ” Justin scratched at his scalp, leaning back on the recliner’s soft pleather cushions. “I’m confused enough. I don’t need your added distressing bullshit.”

“You’re just as guilty as I’ve been, so don’t try coppin’ some type of superiority over me.”

“ _Jesus…_ ” Justin clicked the footrest back into the recliner, sitting forward, wrapped in the fleece blanket. “… _do you not even remember what it was like to be my age? How you truly didn’t know anything?_ ”

“ _What’s to be confused about?_ ” Brian shrugged his shoulder, wondering if Justin even heard the words coming out of his mouth. Maybe all this anger and animosity had been building for quite awhile. “You either want it…” He motioned to Ben, then simply offered himself as the second option. ”… or you don’t. Something, though, tells me Bruckner doesn’t take sloppy seconds. All or nothing with him.”

“You’re right…” Justin gave out a smile, but it turned painful as if he didn’t want to hurt Brian intentionally, but… “… but you’d also be wrong.”

“Why you little shi--!” Brian glanced over his shoulder to Michael, slowly pacing the area of the waiting room outside. He twisted back to face Justin, leaning over the railing and keeping their voices low and hushed. “If you say a thing about what you and Ben did to one another… _you fucked, sucked or blew each other_ … _keep it to your fuckin’ self!_ ”

“Wha--? Why should I?” Justin wondered what Brian would think about Michael coming to that conclusion on his own. He shook his head perplexedly. “He already knows _something_ ’s off.” Michael seemed to have digested everything else well a few days ago.

“Because--because I say so…”

For the first time, Justin recognized something beyond what Brian would tell him. Before, when he had nothing but dislike of Michael, it was easier to take these kinds of answers from Brian. Now Justin knew Michael was a helluva lot stronger than he gave him credit for. And Brian had fears he couldn’t voice, that he didn’t think his place by Michael’s side was that permanent and he would freakout if he lost him. “ _Hmm…_ it’s amazing to me that you can be as intimate with Michael, as you’ve been with me -- _and half the population on Liberty Avenue_ \-- then still treat him like a child, protecting him from the Big Bad World. No wonder he’s seen as weak and pathetic.”

“ _Jealous?_ ” Brian’s best defense was to always make it look as if he had control, even when he didn’t think he did.

“Hell no.” Justin couldn’t honestly stand on his own two feet and admit he didn’t want what Brian offered him. “Not in the least.” Maybe at one time it was what got him through, but not if Brian couldn’t see him past his own importance, or Michael’s. He wasn’t even second place in Brian’s life; he was more like fourth or fifth. “My time with you has certainly allowed me to contrast and compare, in a good way. You might be pleasantly pleased.”

“ _I will?_ ”

Justin liked throwing Brian Kinney, somewhat, off-kilter. “I’m not sure you’re ‘right’ for me anymore, Brian.”

“ _An’ Bruckner has suddenly gained that title?_ ” Brian didn’t like hearing his own voice sound snappish or catty, but something had certainly given Justin a growth of confidence.

“… _hehehe_ … not saying he’s any easier.” Justin scratched at the side of his nose, realizing how simple it was now to talk to Brian, in a calm, cool manner, without the bickering. “He knows how to treat me the way I’ve always dreamed.” He sent a brief glance to Ben’s form on the bed, finding it comforting that even in a coma, he could still feel as if Ben wanted him around. He knew it for a fact.

“ _Sheesh…_ I’m all aflutter for you.”

“Knew you would be.” Justin smiled with a bit of mischief, catching a nervous sound to Brian’s voice. That sarcastic wit not sounding so strong anymore or packing the same kind of “punch” it usually did. Which is what gave Justin the courage to make this next statement. “I’m, uh… I’ve left PIFA.”

Brian’s hands gripped the railing tight, knuckles going white with inner rage. “ _The Fuck?! Why?!_ ”

“I don’t _need_ it… or the schooling.” Justin raised his chin high in confidence, knowing what he said was truth. “I can get by on my talent alone.”

“ _Niiiccce._ ” Brian chuckled softly, shaking his head. _Had Ben put Justin up to this?… talking in his ear about how good it would be--how better it would be if Brian was out of his life completely?_

“… an’ I don’t want you using your ‘money’ to represent some profound attempt to ‘take care of’ me, appease your guilt. Money isn’t _everything_.”

“Yeah… those who don’t have money usually say that.” Brian rubbed slowly at his chin and jaw, squinting his eyes at Justin. “You an’ Benji… you planning on sustaining with just your undying love?”

“ _Why do you keep doing that?_ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _Belittle everything I do… because it’s different from what you would choose?_ ”

“ _How do you know?_ ”

“ _Huh?_ ”

“Just because I don’t chose to do something with you, doesn’t mean I won’t ever do it with someone else.”

“And therein lies our 'number one' problem.” Justin rose out of the chair, rolling the blanket into some semblance of order, then placing it on the cushioned seat. He came over to stand next to the bed. “In case you weren’t paying close attention, _we are over_.” He used his hands to make an “X” sign in the air. “I’ll try to stop by later in the week, clear my things out of the loft.” He let his hand clamp around Ben’s shoulder joint, then slide down the biceps, latching on tight to the elbow joint. “I’m a little busy, as you can see, or I’d--”

Brian didn’t know why, but he was getting a little perturbed, feeling Justin wasn’t grateful for anything he might have done for him. Now, all of a sudden, the “light” was shining on Ben. “ _You stayin’ with Benjamin?_ ”

“Maybe.” Justin wasn’t even going to tell Brian what he was up to, about Ben having to move out of his apartment within the month.

Brian heavily sighed, shaking his head as he closed his eyes. “Then I’ll have everything of yours boxed and sent to wherever you are.” He knew determination when he heard it. And Brian didn’t have the heart or the willpower to struggle anymore. If Justin wanted to leave, then… _good riddance to him_. “Just tell me where you want your things brought.”

“ _Is Michael moving in right away?_ ”

“None of you business.” Brian sent out a charming, devilish smile, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Figures. But you’re right, for once. It won't matter to me what you or Michael do, together or separate.”

“Justin… I suggest not burnin’ any bridges, right now, huh?”

“I’m not. I’m speaking the truth.”

“Fine… but you better fuckin’ tame your shit around Michael.” Brian could take anything Justin felt like dishing out to him as he left, hopefully letting the door hit his ass on the way out. But he wasn’t gonna stand here any longer and hear Justin trash talk Michael. “He walked away _from_ _me_ , in order to be here _for you_. So if you plan on _using_ him, do it wisely. Or I’ll be on your ass so fast I’ll--”

Ben started to shuffle about, fidget. He felt Justin’s tight grip on his arm, heard the hushed, raised voices and flinched into wakefulness. “ _… mmm… Jus’in?… B’ian?… where?…_ ” He slowly blinked his eyes open, looking up at the ceiling tiles. He swished his head from side to side. “ _… am I… in a hospital?_ ”

Justin smiled broadly, eyes misting slightly as he nodded his head. “Yes, Ben.” He leaned forward, resting his forearm on Ben’s pillow, brushing back the darkening blond locks. “Do you remember _anything_ about what happened?”

Ben licked his dry lips as he shut his lids. “ _Uhm… you an’ I… before school…_ ” There was a shadow of a smirk at the memory, then a furrowing of the forehead. “ _… wasn’t feelin’ so hot…_ ”

Justin chuckled, the backs of his fingers scraping Ben’s cheek and jaw. “No… you felt worse than you were admitting to me, weren’t you?” He wished that Brian wasn't standing a few inches away. He wanted so badly to kiss and nudge his face with Ben’s, mostly kiss, though.

“ _… yeah… sorry…_ ” Ben turned his face into Justin’s touch. “ _Can I… sip… some water…?_ ” His voice sounded rough and dry.

“Sure.” Justin went and poured out ice water in the small cup with a bendy-straw. He worked it so the straw went into Ben’s mouth, but he controlled the holding of the cup. “Do you know how you ended up on the bathroom floor?” He continued to comb back Ben’s hair in a soothing rhythm.

Ben wrinkled his brow in deep thought, swallowing slowly. “ _I thought… I was feelin’ better… I stood there… an’ pain… sharp…_ ” He weakly shaped his hand over his abdomen. “ _… never felt that before._ ” He turned his gaze to Justin’s face, asking more questions than he could outright ask.

“You passed out. Wouldn’t wake up, but you were breathing… thankfully.” Justin stopped speaking, because the memory of what he walked in on still chilled him.

“ _Wha--?_ ” Ben nodded his head, closing his eyes and positioning his head back on the pillow to look up. He swallowed hard, the motion of his Adam’s apple prominent. “ _Did they--?_ ” _What he wondered was how long had he been out? What had brought on his sever reaction too?_

“Pancreatitis. Counteraction of the med change in your cocktail.”

“ _Damn… the new one?_ ” Ben tried to sit up higher on the mattress.

“They don’t know yet, but Dr. Hines is working on that.”Justin moved to help Ben adjust his body. “Not to mention getting you a newer _revised_ cocktail.”

“ _… mmm…_ ” Ben rolled his eyes, knowing by some freaky twist of fate his doctor was finally going to get him to stay in the hospital when he went through a medicinal change. “ _… whatever they gave me now, I like…_ ”

Justin snickered, shaking his head. “You aren’t on anything, Ben, besides oxygen and your IV.”

“ _... double damn..._ ” Ben shut his eyes, letting out a soft groan.

Justin pressed the nurses’ call light on Ben’s siderail. “I’m alerting them, at the desk, that you’re awake.” He reached out to tenderly pat Ben’s upper chest. “They’ll be here soon.”

“ _… Jus’in…_ ” Ben reached out to snatch the hand quickly.

“ _Hey, hey…_ not now…” Justin squeezed Ben’s hand, but detached himself from the contact, since Brian was staring at them. “… you an’ I will talk later. More important things to deal with now.”

“... ' _kay... promise?_ ”

“Yes.”

Brian could do nothing but stare, glancing back and forth, pinching his lips together, looking on in awe and amazement. What stunned him most was the way they _talked_ … very much like a “couple”. Justin being the nurturer to Ben’s strong Alpha male. It was clear that no one existed in a room with them together. Or else Ben was intentionally ignoring Brian.

Ben twisted to glance to his left. “ _… Brian…_ ”

“Don’t worry.” Brian smiled with a certain odd softness. He was trying to work off being shocked by the overall situation. “Not here to kick your ass.”

“ _Not worried._ ” Ben lifted one eyebrow with a frown on his lips.

Brian decided to say something kind. “Glad you’re awake.”

“ _Are you?_ ” Ben doubted that for its truth.

“Ask Justin.” Brian tucked his thumbs in the back pocket of his jeans as he turned to exit the room, wishing he had left ten minutes ago. “Excuse me…”

“ _Brian…_ ” Ben called out softly in the air.

“ _Yes, Benjamin?_ ” Brian didn’t turn around, but shot a look over his shoulder.

“ _… sen’ Michael in… please…_ ” Ben stretched out his arms, fixing the blankets a bit on his body.

Brian had no idea Ben was even aware of Michael’s presence. “How did you--?”

“ _I was unconscious, in a coma…_ ” Ben thought it was rather obvious that if Brian were here the only way he would’ve shown was to come with Michael. “ _… not deaf and blind…_ ”

“Man, for an ex-coma guy, you sure are pissy.” Brian swiftly left the room to go find Michael. He was a little upset, maybe somewhat jealous. He had no reason to be, since Michael and Ben were clearly over. What he wasn’t sure of was… _did Michael have any regrets, still, in having prematurely dumped Ben?_ “Ben asked to see you.”

“ _He did?!_ ” Michael squeaked out in shock, causing Brian to chuckle deeply. “ _Wha--?_ ”

“I suggest simply walking in there and getting it over with. No sense in asking questions over and over again.”

“Yeah… you’re right…” Michael stood on tip-toes to buss Brian’s cheek, keeping their faces together. “Don’t let it get in your head.” He tenderly smoothed a hand over Brian’s chest, under his coat. “I’ll be out soon an’ then we can pick up Gus, be on our way home.”

“ _… home…_ ” Brian hid his smirk, liking the sound of the word. It was times like these that reassured him Michael wasn’t budging, from his bed or his life. Other times, Brian knew he would be utterly devastated if Michael ended them -- _what they had found_ \-- and started seeing other men. Or… straying with many different anonymous men. The worst would be leaving him to go back with Ben. He watched Michael step into the room, wondering when he started feeling like a jealous possessive boyfriend. _Or had Brian always been this way?_

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **2 Weeks later…**

Justin was standing in the middle of the empty house, tucking his hands in his coat pockets, twisting his head about. “I like it.” He gave off a gentle smile. There was an image in his head that made him speak these next words with much pleasure, “Ben’ll like it, too. In fact--” He started tapping his chin in deep thought. He moved into the center of the huge kitchen, standing in front of the stove, picturing Ben behind him -- _both of them completely naked_ \-- _maybe_ cooking. They had absolutely no room in the tiny kitchen at the apartment, but here… they could drop to the floor and fuck or… the island counter looked nice and sturdy. “… nah… never mind…”

Jennifer couldn’t help smiling along with her son. He seemed to actually glow with inner pleasure. Something she never saw before, but always wished for. “Well, then… should I even bother Ben into checking this out on his own? You know, for a fact, _this_ … was what he wanted?”

“Mom… sometimes, don’t you just _feel_ things, with no explanations?” Justin couldn’t find the right words to explain how he felt. “You didn’t have to pull too far into the driveway for me to fall in love with this place.”

_Sheesh…_ Jennifer was going to have to get used to this -- _the way Justin openly discussed things related to relationships and being a couple in love_ . “You aren’t trying to ‘project’ your feelings onto him, thinking an’ not truly knowing?” 

“ _Please…_ ” Justin laughed outright, not sure if his mother was being a bit too overprotective and cautious. “… it’s only a house.”

“It may _only_ be a house --- a place to live to you, honey, but to me… it screams ‘permanence’.” Jennifer didn’t mind the new relationship Justin had with Ben. In fact, she fully supported it. What she wasn’t sure of was that they had been quick to move in together. “It feels as if… look, I don’t want you to have another situation, like with Brian.”

“Trust me. Ben is _nothing_ like Brian.”

“Good, but… I can’t help worrying about you. I don’t--I’m not trying to step on your toes, tell you who to date, who to give your heart to--”

“Mom… I’m fine.” Justin reached out a hand to touch her arm to reassure her. “We’re--Ben and I are _both_ single men, taking things slow at the moment. I’m crazily all right with that, because I’m learning how _non-vital_ sex can be, if you truly put the effort into a relationship.”

“ _Ben feels the same?_ ” Jennifer always asked, simply because Justin would know that she cared. She already knew Ben felt the same, but the _intensity_ was what she questioned. At least it wasn’t like with Brian, where she wasn’t sure of _anything_. With Ben, she could look at him once or watch him standing next to her son and _know_ … _because the emotions were staring her right in the face_.

“Yes.” Justin nodded his head, then folded his arms, tucking his hands to his body. “He’s mostly toned himself down, because of his health scare. He hasn’t pushed me away. He’s been holding on a little tighter each day.” He both liked and hated those moments, having to keep reassuring Ben he wouldn’t leave or… die. Then he had to battle with Ben’s own feelings about himself, of possibly letting Justin down or _leaving_ Justin to live alone. Justin used it as incentive to convince Ben to _want to live_ , which was how he got Ben to remain in the hospital longer than he had wanted to. Justin promised to foot the bill once it came their way.

“Okay then…” Jennifer clapped her palms together, opening her leatherbound notepad and clicking her pen. “… what I’ll do is compile the figures for both of you to look over.” She was jotting down some random notes as she spoke. “I’ll add this house to the bunch I’ve already collected for Ben.” She glanced up at her son, watching him spin and walk around the kitchen, moving to look out onto the deck into the massive backyard. “You _do_ realize this place is at Ben’s _maximum_? No more, no less?”

“Eh… not surprised.” Justin chuckled softly, but there was a plan he and Ben had agreed on that would help them afford a house like this with their current budget. “My tastes have always run on the expensive side.”

“You gonna walk around with your camera? Take some footage for Ben?”

Justin nodded his head, already having an idea where he wanted to start first. “Yup…”

“All right.” Jennifer closed her notebook, sliding her pen back into its slot. “I’ll leave you the keys…” She placed the ring of keys on the surface of the marble counter top. “… here on the counter. Just bring them back to me as soon as you can, honey.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Justin strolled back over, meeting his mother halfway. He hugged her tight, embracing her a lot longer than she was expecting.

“Take care of yourself.” Jennifer felt herself getting choked again, so she gently patted Justin’s shoulder blades and drifted backward. “An’… give Ben my love.”

“Sure will.” Justin smiled with a kindness of fulfilling that request. He waited until he heard the slam of the front door before he dug out his digital camera. He took several photographs, as well as some small video footage of each room. When he was finally in what would constitute the master bedroom suite, Justin bit his bottom lip, loving the dark masculine colors of the walls. He strolled into the massive bathroom, proceeding to undress. He shot an extra series of “special” pictures… once he got inside the decadent tub. He turned the video camera on and recorded something Ben might like to view later on tonight.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Ben glanced up from his writing, when he heard the key in the lock, the door opening to Justin’s shit-eating grin. “All right… confess…” Every time he returned from visiting another piece of property, Ben could tell whether Justin liked it better than the last. “... what did you do _this time_?”

“Nothing illegal.” Justin walked over to wrap arms about Ben, conforming his frame to Ben's side, then squeezed him “hello” by laying his cheek on top of Ben’s soft plait of hair. “ _… mmm…_ ” He soothed a hand over Ben’s back. “… you feel warm-n-cozy…” He felt Ben secure one arm about him, holding him to his body. “… miss’d you…” He kissed a patch of heated skin.

“Mr. Taylor…” Ben gazed up at Justin with a wary eye. “… I’m _intrigued_. Mostly because you look… _satiated_. How you always look after we--” His blue eyes went wide and the biggest smile formed on his lips. “ _You didn’t!?_ ” He sat backward in the chair, yanking Justin across his lap, legs dangling off the right side of a thigh. “ _Did you?_ ” Both arms were now enveloped about Justin.

Justin deeply snickered, pulling out the digital camera’s memory card. “Professor Bruckner…” He set his arm about Ben’s neck, curling up the shoulder. “… here’s my latest assignment. I’d like you to note, I’m turning it in earlier than once requested.” He nodded his head on one bounce as he held out the item for Ben to take. When Ben didn’t take it, simply leaning into him and pressing his face to his biceps, Justin placed the card on the table. “ _You’re welcome._ ” He then embraced Ben tight with his one arm, his other coming around to grab at his own elbow.

They did this a lot lately, since Ben had left the hospital and had returned to the apartment. They would wrap their arms and squeeze with all their might, for no other reason than to tell one another… _this was it, they weren’t going anywhere_. Justin would comb fingers through Ben’s hair, sometimes sniffling to think he could’ve lost these precious moments. Ben would soak in Justin’s tenderness, the gentle ways in which he “cared for” him, then he would grow slightly horny, tucking wayward fingers up the shirt fabric and smoothing over naked skin. They would know the limits because Ben wasn’t quite back to his usual self, but it didn’t look as if he had scared Justin away. In fact, Ben had made Justin feel more stable, _permanent_. Probably helped that Justin had taken Brian out of the picture, which made Ben feel more secure in them.

Justin pat Ben’s back, then climbed off his lap to take off his coat, hang it in the foyer closet and make his way into the living room. He didn’t want to further disturb whatever Ben had been immersed in before he had arrived. He plopped onto the couch, taking off his shoes and laying down on the cushions.

Ben put away his papers and pencil, pocketing the digital camera’s memory card. “How’s your Mom?”

“Good… she’s good.”

“Did she give you her _spiel_ again?” Ben knew Jennifer liked him, immensely, but what she didn’t like was that Justin hadn’t given himself time to breathe, going immediately into something with Ben. He completely understood her worry, but what he wanted to reassure her with was that sexual intercourse was still something he would hold back from. Ben wasn’t assured of Justin’s ability to remain constant with him, without Brian being an “option” in the background. _Would he stay or would someone more “perfect” come along, during their relationship?_ Justin seemed to be loyal, but he had strayed with Brian and they had multitudes of sexual encounters, including penetration. _Was Ben going to be able to keep Justin satisfied with the kind of sex only he could offer, right now?_ He just didn’t know…

“Yeah…” Justin chuckled softly, shaking his head. “… but this time was a little more heavy. She actually talked about this feeling -- like 'permanence' – and that I was solidifying my ‘future’. I waited for the ‘commitment from Ben’ bomb to drop.”

“She loves you. She’s only trying to look out for you and protect you, as any mother would.” Ben came around the couch and sat in the matching over-stuffed chair. “I’d be doing the same thing, if I wasn’t the one wanting you in my life so badly.”

“ _Why do you?_ ” Justin stretched out, arching his head to look over at Ben seated. He brought over a couch pillow to rest his head on. He was going to have to get used to hearing those kinds of statements blurted outright. To hear how much Ben _wanted_ , _desired_ him made Justin enjoy the simpler moments. Like _this_ … of _just talking and getting to know what was inside the others head_.

“ _Huh?_ ”

“ _… want me? So badly, as you say?_ ”

“Justin… not now…”

“ _Why not now?_ I’m here, in the apartment with you.” Justin rose to his elbows. “If you move, you’ve already told me I have a bedroom to sleep in. Or, if I choose, I can sleep with you. But… _why?_ ”

“ _Why me?_ ”

“ _Jesus! Typical!_ ” Justin threw the pillow at Ben, who caught it for a bit then dropped it. “Answer with a question to throw me off! I asked you first!”

“I don’t know why, actually.” Ben sat forward, elbows on his thighs, tossing the pillow up and down in the air. “If you’re open and vulnerable with me, I can be open and vulnerable as easily with you.” He threw the pillow back onto the couch.

“I’m not trying to gain an upper hand over you. I dunno… I get to wondering sometimes. I think we all do.”

“I know. An’ when you ask me this randomly, you make me wonder what brought you here in the first place.”

“Nothing specific and nothing worrisome. Just _things_ … ruminating inside my head.”

“ _Anything you’d like to discuss?_ ” Ben would’ve sat on the couch with Justin, but this seemed more appropriate. So he sat back in the chair, crossing one leg over the other.

“Maybe. This conversation could get pretty heavy… an’ we haven’t made plans for dinner yet.” Justin lifted his head up, sniffing about. “ _Or did we?_ ” Sometimes Ben would surprise him with food when he returned, either having cooked it himself or ordered take-out.

“We’ll order take-out tonight.”

Justin nodded his head in agreement, bringing the pillow back over to tuck under his cheek. “Ben…”

“Justin…”

“Why can’t the world stop movin’ for jus’ one second… so we can breathe?”

**~~TBC...**


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

“You talked to you advisor today, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. He tried to give me incentive to stay. Told me some bullshit about how no gallery would ever take me without some formal art training or higher education in my background.”

“The guy’s a dick. Don’t listen to him.”

“ _ **BENJAMIN!**_ ” Justin chuckled loudly, rising up to lean on his elbow and forearm.

“No… I’m sorry. The guy rubbed me wrong that first time I met him. It’s any wonder you got where you are with crappy career guidance like that.”

“… _hehehe_ …” Justin pushed himself to sit properly on the couch, pillow hugged to his chest. “I sit there in his office an’ in my head I keep saying… _‘He’s a fuckin’ guidance counselor! Should you really be taking career advice from him?’_ … mostly I let him rant, how I'm robbin’ myself of more money, more… uhm, popularity.”

“Has he stepped out into the real world?” Ben found his moment to crawl onto the couch, sitting in his “designated” corner. “Doesn’t take much to make someone an _empty celebrity_ these days?”

“ _Fuckin’ A!_ An’ sometimes you don’t even have to be the celebrity. You could’ve just been allegedly foolin’ aroun’ with them.” Justin flipped his head to look directly at Ben, so very far away. “I think I heard a rumor he lives with his Mom. In her basement. Could be false. I dunno… or care.”

“Good for you. _What else?_ ”

“ _Huh?_ ”

“There’s something else. Something we haven’t touched on, yet.”

“… yeah… yeah, there is…”

Ben leaned over, holding out his hand. “C’mon… take my hand…”

“ _Why? So you can coerce it outta me in the bedroom?_ ” Justin knew every one of Ben’s tricks, almost.

“Okay… then I’ll do it right here, with a clean PG rating.” Ben wiggled his fingers for Justin to take them. When he did, Justin was dragged across the cushions. Ben made motions for him to spin around, sit with his back facing him. “… put the pillow on your lap…”

“ _Damn…_ ” Justin glanced over his shoulder watching Ben slide his hands up his shirt. “ _… an’ this is only gonna get a PG rating?_ ”

“You looked worried and tense.” Ben smirked as he slowly raised the material of the t-shirt to show Justin he wanted his upper torso naked. “Just place yourself in my capable hands…” He dipped his head to kiss a shoulder blade, skimming his nose to the other side. He started low, along the lumbar spine, kneading the muscles and tendons on the way upward. “Hey… c’mon… loosen up… it’s only me.”

Justin chuckled, burying his face in the pillow. “ _You_ are fuckin’ dangerous.”

“ _Really? Am I?_ ” Ben softly snickered, enjoying the feel of bare skin, enjoying the sight of Justin responding to his hands even more.

“We’re trying to behave, remember? You go any further than massaging my back, I’m liable to beg you to fuck me, condoms or not.”

“ _… ssshhh…_ ” Ben hugged Justin to rest on his chest. “You’re wound up so tight. Lean back on me…” When he felt Justin unclench his body, he began to massage down the shoulder joints, then along the long biceps and the forearms. “ _… close your eyes… an’ just breathe… in an’ out… in… then out…_ ”

Justin did as he was asked, loving how perfectly he fit against Ben’s concaved chest. Hands began to knead over his upper breastbone, barely skimming pert nipples. He arced his head to elongate his torso, allowing Ben to caress his mid-sternum on down, just above the waistline into his pants. “ _… you can…_ ” His voice broke with nerves. “ _… you can touch me, if you want…_ ” He reached back to try and touch Ben with a brush of fingers on skin.

“Oh… I _always_ want, but _what do you want_?”

Justin twisted his body and head to one side, hugging one of Ben’s arms to his chest. “ _… you… safe an’ healthy. Jus’ like this. Behind me… holdin’ me… touchin’ me… letting me feel you breathe as your heart beats frantic, ‘cause I’m near…_ ”

“ _… Justin…_ ” Ben strangled out, bending forward to keep their faces mere inches closer.

Justin wanted to have sex, but he wanted the snuggling and talking even more. So he broke contact for a bit, then resettled, turning into Ben’s arms like he was being cradled. “It’s Tibet, Ben.” He buried his face in Ben’s neck, under the prominent chin. “The other day with your friends, you talked about Tibet... an’ you didn’t know, but _I saw it. In your eyes._ ” He let out a soft laugh. “I thought it was a ‘look’ only reserved for me, but it’s how you react when you talk about things that mean more to you. Things that _matter_ to you. You heard about what could be done to finally go to Tibet an’ you said ‘no’… that you didn’t want to go now, but your eyes never lie. You wanted to say ‘yes’…” He leaned his head back on the cushions. “ _What stopped you?_ ”

“Lots of things.” Ben kept his head down, staring at Justin in his arms. “Not anything specific.”

“ _Was_ ** _I_** _one of those ‘things’?_ ”

“ _… yes…_ ” Ben kept his face plastered to Justin’s hair and temple. “But not the _main_ reason. I can’t--I can’t leave now. It’s too soon.”

“A chance like that doesn’t come around every day.”

“I know, but I’ll never be able to gain the kind of private time with you, that I’ve been wanting… if I jus’ up an’ leave.”

“So… **I** ** _will_** **turn into a** bigger reason why you’re staying than what you’d like to admit?”

“Yeah…” Ben tilted Justin’s head back, brushing under the chin, along the throat. “… maybe you are.” He swept their noses together, lips near and open… waiting…

Justin reached up to grab the wrist of Ben’s hand at his chin. “ _May I ask you something?_ ”

“Anything.”

“Do you feel _obligated_ to me?”

“ _What do you mean?_ ”

“For saving your life. You’re not hanging on because you feel like you owe me, are you?”

“No…” Ben leaned into Justin’s face, brows meshing. “… I’m feeling something much more stronger.”

“I am too.” Justin slowly drew their bonded hands down his body, resting them at his crotch. “… it feels stronger every day… like you’re getting…” He undid his own belt and zipper, feeling Ben’s hand resting on the material of his pants. “… can we postpone dinner, for now? I seem to be hungry for something else…” He nipped at Ben’s skin, tracing down his neck and upper chest. He felt Ben’s hand slip inside to cup his growing bulge, palming the soft cotton in his hand.

“… oh… I think that can be arranged…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin crawled out of Ben’s arms, then the bed itself. He picked up his underwear to put them back on, instead of walking around naked. He stepped outside the bedroom door to locate his sketch pad. He went to the fridge, looking for bottled water. He wanted to sit at the table, for a few minutes, to doodle an idea or two on paper.

He noticed Ben’s satchel on the chair next to him. It was open and quite a few items from inside were spread around the table surface. It was funny… he often joked to Ben that the poor bag was a bottomless pit, and it looked like Ben had kept it since he had been in college. Justin wasn't forbidden to look inside, but he felt it was an unwritten rule. Justin wouldn’t want the same done with his sketchbooks. Ben would flip to know _what_ he had been drawing over the last few weeks. Well, for all Justin knew, Ben could be hiding tons of secrets inside his private writings.

He knew what it was like some mornings for Ben to have to sit down and refill his bag, from the night before. He almost had to reorganize and throw away another pile of trash that had collected over time. Before Ben’s hospitalization, he had been writing on those stark yellow legal pads, quite diligently. Though Justin had been curious to what enthralled Ben to walk away from him for a few hours, he never snooped. He hadn’t even asked Ben if he had gone back to writing. He assumed he was, since the legal pads were back out. They were growing in numbers now. Ben had bought two packets of five the other day… plus a new box of unsharpened wooden pencils. Justin had behaved for this long and now he felt he could peek through the cracks a little… only to appease his mind.

He had actually read Ben’s first published book and was rather impressed. It was a lot more personal and deeply thought-provoking than he ever imagined Ben would be on paper, since he was so closed-off in his private life. It amazed him how much he identified with much of what Ben had written. It also made him understand the “man” in Ben more. He couldn’t even fathom the type of novel Ben would do for his second book release.

Once Justin began perusing the strong cursive writing, he couldn’t stop at one. Thank God Ben was so anal-retentive when it came to this aspect of his life. The legal pads were numbered in succession of each other. He wished he knew where the previous pads were kept, so he could start from the very beginning. He forgot about his sketches and sat curled on a kitchen chair, wrapped in a throw to ward off the early morning chill. He couldn’t put the damn thing down, so enraptured by the characters Ben was creating. Justin had to stop eventually, only because the writing had, as well.

He was in awe. He was particularly floored by the concept -- _from what he could gather_ \-- developed for the main plot of the book. The protagonist was _male_ … _strong, independent professional_ … _in his early forties_ … _and he went on a personal journey of unexpected human experience_. What truly captured Justin’s attention was the dramatic addition of an extremely young gay lover -- _another male_. Which would make the main character gay… _or was he?_ Ben never said this outright, until the moment the two men ended up in bed together.

Not only was Justin intrigued by the main plot, _the secondary story of the older man finding true love for the first time with his young lover was keeping him on pins and needles_. Sure, the plot had been done before, beaten into mainstream heterosexual fiction. There was something Justin couldn’t quite put his finger on that made Ben’s writing stand out.

After awhile, once Justin had drawn in his sketchbook for a few minutes, he went back to bed. He took off his underwear and crawled under the warmth of the covers. He lay there on his back awhile, then felt Ben shuffle and move about toward him. Justin turned his head when he felt Ben’s hand brush the top of his head, then cradle the back. They kissed… quite passionately and for a longer time than either of them knew they wanted.

“ _… mmm…”_ Ben softly snickered against Justin's lips, drawing away to stare into the wide-wake face. “... you okay?”

“Fine. Jus’ restless.” Justin was taken aback when Ben rolled completely over, landing on Justin’s left side and slinking down in the bed to rest his cheek on the bare breastbone. “… _you all right?_ ” It never failed to amaze him how vulnerable and humble Ben could make himself in the privacy of the bedroom. He let his hand filter through Ben’s hair at the back of his head, then ruffled and tangled through the soft strands.

“ _… mmm… never been better…_ ” Ben entwined their legs together, finding his usual niche within Justin's arms.

“Ben…” Justin dipped his chin to kiss the brow nearby, furrowing his forehead in thought.

“ _… hmm…?_ ”

“It’s okay with me, if you’re serious about Tibet.”

“Don’t…” Ben started shaking his head against Justin’s body.

“No… no… listen…” Justin moved to get Ben to lift upright so they could look at one another. “… I jus’--when you finally decide to make a well-informed decision-- _please, talk to me_. Don’t shut me out or keep any secrets. I want you happy an’ if _Tibet_ makes you happy--”

“ _… where’s this coming from?_ ” Ben planted a hand to the mattress beside Justin’s left shoulder, bending the elbow joint to rest his cheek on.

“I, uh…” Justin averted his gaze, running fingers along Ben’s arm. “… _something else_ happened today, after I saw my advisor.”

“ _Oh?_ ” Ben raised a curious eyebrow. “ _What?_ ”

“One of my instructors… she… well, she’s admired my pieces since I’ve been there.” Justin sat a little higher along the pillows. “When she first met me, she tried to tell me that I didn’t belong here. That I had _this_ … natural, ingrained ability that shouldn’t be _tarnished_. She has a friend in New York City, who owns a gallery… who would love to commission work _like mine._ I thought she was just blowin’ smoke up my ass, but when she heard I was leavin’… she gave me her friend’s business card. Apparently without my knowledge, she’s been showing my artwork.”

“Justin-- _baby… that’s great! Fuckin’ amazing! Why didn’t you…!?_ ” Ben cupped Justin shoulder joint, gently shaking him.

“Because the offer would mean I would go out _there_ , with the possibility of never coming back.” Justin hand clamped hard around Ben’s wrist. “I know many artists my age never get these kind of offers every day. Before, I had been upset over Tibet an’ you _probably_ contemplating leaving me. I knew--I was suddenly in the same position as you had been. For, maybe, one second I considered saying ‘yes’ and I oddly understood where you had placed yourself in your mind, and heart.”

“ _… your dream handed to you on a silver platter…_ ”

“ _… exactly…_ ”

“... sooo…” Ben moved to lay curved into Justin’s body. “ _… why don’t you sound more happy?_ ”

“Because sometimes we grow up… _mature_ …” Justin rubbed one of his legs along Ben's to hook around a thigh, then eventually rolled over to envelop his arms about Ben, showing just how much his life had shifted. “ _… an’ dreams change…_ ”

“ _Do they?_ ” Ben hugged Justin close, bending down to kiss and bury his face at the top of the blond head.

“I dunno, Ben. I really don’t know.”

They held onto one another as they drifted off to sleep.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **6-8 weeks along the way…**

Ben and Justin kept conversing openly about their offers, attempting to come up with different and better solutions. Neither of them told the other that they hadn’t completely said “no” to the ideas, making some kind of definite choice.

Late at night though, in the privacy of bed and beneath warm covers… they touched, kissed and made one another cum as if the next day one of them would be gone. They would wake up in one another’s arms and realize _this_ … was where they wanted to be, screw everything else. They would smile, acting ridiculously giddy and shy, but then become so horny for one another they would bring the other to the most incredible orgasms either of them had ever experienced. The happiness was easy and instantaneous; they knew what they wanted and they didn’t have to go far to have it.

They would shower together, some days. Others, it was one immediately after the other. They would eat breakfast or step out early for coffee and a bagel at a local cafe. Justin finally convinced Ben to invest in a practical car; Ben dragged Justin to a local used bicycle shop. They gave into one another, but they also  
compromised, as they had always been doing.

They built a daily routine for themselves that worked. Justin was able to leave the Liberty Diner and start daily full-time work -- _from the bottom_ \-- at a Pittsburgh art gallery. He was doing mostly grunt work, cataloging pieces and helping to ship out and receive works to and from other galleries. He liked the menial job, because it afforded him moments to step away and sneak into the back of Ben’s class on occasion.

Ben loved those moments the best, when he could step into those very comfortable “professor” shoes and pretend like he was _actually teaching_ Justin something he never knew. Or something he had always known or read about, but was now able to picture it in a different askewed-Ben-Bruckner way. Sometimes they would go out to lunch, sometimes they would slip into Ben’s office and make out, then scramble around for a quick vending machine snack. Other times, Justin would bring in food and they would walk around campus and eat outside, like a mini-picnic.

Ben’s health was steadily improving. His medicines were adjusting to a perfect regimen. Justin’s normally restless sleeping patterns began to fade away. He was asleep for longer periods of time now, since he was with Ben, often a full eight every night. Both men were content, though they never vocalized their thoughts, fearing it would look like boasting. Things were too good to ruin at this point.

Ben did end up buying the house Justin had instantly fallen in love with, but the transition to move was tough. They had gotten all of Ben’s things out of the apartment in time, but the house wasn’t ready. In fact, the house wasn’t even theirs yet. Yes… _theirs_. The only way Ben would consider buying that house was if he had the right money, no matter how hard Justin tried to convince him. So Justin cashed in an old savings bond from his grandparents to add to Ben’s income. Ben was floored by Justin’s willingness to start building a real _home_ with him, begrudgingly he agreed. The sale process was agonizingly slow, but the seller was wiling to do almost anything to get the house off his hands.

For awhile, Ben and Justin stayed in a nice hotel suite, then Jennifer broke down and took them in. She knew they were “together” but she didn’t want them doing _anything_ in her house. Justin slept in his own bedroom, while Ben had the downstairs couch. They would alternate, sometimes, but, for the most part, they knew they had to get out and into their own place. Thank God the sale took place a week later. They were finding it difficult to keep their hands off one another and to _not_ make-out in public.

They settled rather swiftly into the house. Both of them taking a bedroom for their own. Ben made an office for himself, where he could write. Justin took over a section of the sunlit attic, making the area his art studio. Sometimes they wouldn’t see one another for hours, but once one of them found the other they would stay together for the rest of the night.

Ben was tidying up his second book, long-handwriting it out. Then he typed -- _yes, typed!!_ \-- the first five chapters for his book editor. Once he got the stamp of approval to go ahead and finish the _“mother fuckin’ piece of brilliance”_ _(verbatim from his editor)_ … Ben decided to break out of his old ways and purchasing a laptop. Justin didn’t mind teaching Ben the few things he had learned about computers. Ben was such a great student, albeit a little distracting when he wouldn’t stop touching him to pay attention.

Justin was finishing some newer canvases, a series of pictures based on one theme. He only had two, so far… a _third_ still in his mind. He began to branch out in one direction he never thought he would try -- _portraits and human form in oils_. His main subject had become Ben, without Ben’s knowledge. Those times that Ben would walk up into the attic after being in his office for a few hours, he would sometimes stretch out on the random pieces of furniture in Justin’s studio. He would fall asleep, in some weird position, and Justin would sketch him, just because he could. Often Justin would draw Ben from memory. At one point, Justin had actually gotten Ben to “pose” for him, though it didn’t last long. Ben had become too embarrassed, then frustrated as he stood around unable to move or say anything, while he was barely clad in a single sheet, getting an obvious hard-on. Justin found it difficult to concentrate because Ben looked utterly sexy and gorgeous nude -- _the perfect form so mouth-watering delectable_ \-- and it was all _his_ …

That moment with Ben gave Justin the idea for a portrait he wanted of his own, something to hang in his studio or in his own bedroom. When he finished that solo piece, showing the work to Ben… Ben wanted it for himself, to hang in his office. _He_ thought it was _a self-portrait of Justin_. Justin could understand the confusion, since the ‘blond man’ had no face, back facing forward, completely naked and head bowed. But the rippled muscles and sinewy frame surely wasn’t how Ben saw him… _right?_

They had started going to the gym together. Ben, at first, put Justin on his workout, but soon realized how tough it was for him to keep up. Although Justin’s body was taking on a different, more compact shape. Ben refined the workout to fit Justin better and gradually the results were more prominent and visible.

To say they caused a few heads to turn was a given. It was when people gave them second and third glances, causing them to “act out”, show off and exaggerate their relationship. No, they weren’t related; and Yes, they were together. They didn’t completely abandon Liberty Avenue. They simply had another life that was more fulfilling. Occasionally, they would go to Woody’s or Babylon, but they would stay no longer than an hour or two, before they left. Or went off, alone together. They hung out with Ted and Emmett, who would, of course, be with Brian and Michael. But, for the most part, Ben and Justin didn’t force themselves on anybody. They really enjoyed the company of each other more.

Because of how “right” things felt with Ben, Justin felt compelled to correct the wrongs he had done to Michael. For once, he could look at Michael… and Michael _with Brian_ with an objective eye and not a jealous/envious one. Knowing how clear he was in his feelings for Ben, Justin began to relinquish that strange fascination/infatuation lust he had for Brian. Ben was a million times more attentive and loving as a partner to him, more than Brian ever had been. To think he had wanted a future -- _have what he had with Ben… with Brian_ \-- made Justin cringe inwardly. Felt like a different lifetime, instead of only a few months past.

Justin didn’t tell Ben about his budding friendship with Michael. He didn’t want Ben to think he had an ulterior motive to stay close to Brian. Michael didn’t tell Brian, either, because he -- _at first_ \-- had the same thought, but about Brian being jealous of Ben. He was protecting his own heart, and feelings, until he could trust Justin again. That this was real and genuine… that things changed for the better and that Justin was over Brian and falling in love with Ben.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin knocked on the office door, cluing Michael in that it was him, no one else.

“ _ **Coming!**_ ” There was a sound of someone straightening a mess, then the squeak of Michael’s desk chair. The door opened eventually.

“ _ **It’s only me, Mike. No need to make everything picture perfect.**_ ”

“ _ **Nah, man… the desks we ordered came in today.**_ ” Michael was hopping around, picking up trash and plastic wrap littered about the floor. “ _ **Just pushed me into quick reorganization mode, is all.**_ ”

Justin strolled in, having to step over and around boxes on the floor. “ _Christ!_ Why didn’t you call me sooner? I would’ve come over to help set things up.”

“ _I did!_ ”

“ _You did?_ ”

“Got your voicemail.”

“ _When did you call?_ ”

“… ‘bout three hours ago.”

“Oh…” Justin smirked, hefting up his pants, his mind rewinding time. Time he had spent with Ben.

“ _What? Were you busy, like I thought?_ ”

“Uhm… yeah… very busy…” Justin licked and bit his bottom lip, smiling sheepishly.

“ _Hmm…_ never mind.” Michael covered his delicate ears. “Don’t wanna know, ‘cause I don’t care.”

“Well, I did learn _something_. Ben won’t be home for an hour or two, once his day is over.”

“Oh, so…”

“I’m all yours.” Justin held his arms open wide.

“ _Ahh…_ joy…” Michael did a weak “dance” of excitement.

“… some kind of staff meeting.” Justin wasn’t paying attention to Michael’s disinterest, but he threw out the reason anyway.

“ _Again? Didn’t they have one already this week?_ ”

“Yeah, but… this is when Ben might learn if he got that position or not. And the seat on the board.”

“ _They’re still considering him even after his hospital stay?_ ”

“Yup… plenty of his colleagues spoke out in support of him.” Justin had been having a multitude of opportunities to discuss various topics with Michael. This being one of them. “They really need someone young on that board, who won’t cave or conform.”

Michael nodded his head in agreement, letting out a soft snicker. “I, uh… went ahead and left you some notes for the old and newer storyboards.” He pointed to the new drawing board desk sitting against the far wall, in the corner of the room.

“… _hehehe_ …” Justin took off his coat, hanging it on a nearby hook, then strolled over to the high stool/chair. He set his bag and backpack down under the table, against the legs. “… _did you like what I did with RAGE and TEMPEST?_ ” He was looking at the things left on the desktop surface.

“Yes, I was. I’m glad you drew the scene before I wrote it. Made writing the dialogue easier.”

Justin spun in the chair to look over at Michael as he came over to the matching flat desk connected to Justin's new drawing board, situated on the other side of the corner of the wall. Now Michael and Justin could work together. Michael sat lower, as Justin sat an inch or two higher. “ _Is it cool that I made ZEPHYR a type of Jekyll and Hyde sort of character? Not in that bad evil way, just that he’s like Clark Kent and Superman, but unaware he’s a superhero?_ ”

“Yeah… that… was fuckin’ mad brilliant.” Michael recalled how excited he had gotten, excited and inspired, actually. “I wanted RAGE to have a sidekick, but you were right. It _does_ make more sense that he would be the lone hero, while TEMPEST and ZEPHYR partnered up.” He thought he would mention the other item left on the drawing table for Justin to look over. “I, uh… hope you don’t mind, but I’m testing out a new ‘human’ character.”

“ _Any powers?_ ” Justin could see a drawing on thin paper clipped to the desk.

“Nope.” Michael stepped up to the drawing table. “I did a very _rough_ sketch and a little bit of a character description…” He was pointing out all of this, hanging over Justin’s shoulder. “… with some background scribbled around him.”

“Uh, Mike…”

“ _Whut?_ ”

“That’s… uhm, he looks a little like me.” Justin twisted slightly to look at Michael’s smirking features. “ _What’s up with the Road Warrior vigilante gear?_ ”

“He may or may not fight crime, but on a more personal ‘human’ level.” Michael crossed arms over his chest, thinking that he would have to put his foot down for this one, only because he felt so strongly about the new addition.

“ _No superpowers?_ ”

“Nope. Self-trained combat… martial arts… mad-ass double barrel gun play like John Woo films. The fucker’s gonna be _haaa-uuuge!!_ …” Michael rolled his eyes, dropping his hands to his hips. “… eh, I think…”

“ _Why?_ ”

“I say… _why the fuck not?_ I wouldn’t be fulfilling my dream without you, man.” Michael reached out with one hand to pat Justin’s shoulder, then soothe slightly over the soft shirt. He removed his hand quickly, so as not to invade Justin’s space or cross a boundary.

“You don’t owe me a comic book character, Michael.” Justin shook his head, wishing Michael wouldn't continue to make him feel guilty for his past actions. “That’s not why I’m here or why I believe in the project.”

“ _Our_ comic. Red Caped Adventures would look silly in black and white with dialogue bubbles floating in empty boxes.”

Justin chuckled deeply, nodding his head. “ _You do realize that’s all of us, now?_ ” He swept a hand over the drawings on his table. “… Brian… Ben… you and me…”

“Look, you don’t have to be in every issue, if it bothers you this much.” Michael retook his seat at the desk. He had jotted down some future storylines and dialogue as he cleaned up. “It gives us other avenues to explore in the gay community. If we have the superheroes, the side kick and then a human… we’ll knock the competition off the fence.”

“You just wanna kill me off one day, so you don’t get jailed for doing it in real life.”

“… _hehehe_ … hadn’t thought of that.” Michael seriously hadn’t. If this had been months ago, yeah… maybe the fetish would’ve surfaced, but not now. Not today. “I think he’s actually kind of sexy, in that twink-y way those Dancing Gay Boys look at Babylon.” It certainly wasn’t Michael’s taste in men, but he knew a majority of his ilk liked that sort of thing. Hell, even Brian had fallen like many others had. “… like some Violent Angel fallen from Heaven…” He truly _wasn’t_ seeing this new character as Justin at all.

“ _Does he -- me -- have a name?_ ” Justin was actually beginning to brainstorm ideas already since Michael said those last few words. He liked that grouping, “violent angel”…

“No. I didn’t want to name him, in case you thought the idea was crap. I did everything else.” Michael was turning back to what he had been writing. “If you want him in, come up with a name of your own.”

There was a buzzer sound, then a voice coming through a speaker on the wall. **“** ** _ **Michael…**_** **”**

“ _Yeah?!?_ ” Michael called out into the air. Installed into the wall was a intercom system, which he had a small mini-control in his hand to activate. Actually, it was chained to him on the springy key ring on his wrist. ****

 ****** “ ** **_**Can you come out to the register, please? We need you.** _ ** ** ” **

“ _Be right out._ ” Michael backed away, holding out one hand. “Do what you want. I think you already know how I feel. I’ll back you any way you choose.” He left the room after that comment, shutting the door softly so Justin could start getting to work.

Justin sat at the drawing table, heavily sighing as he scratched his head. His phone made a noise, signaling a voice message coming his way. _Crap!_ He had forgotten to switch his phone back on to receive calls. He dug around in his bag to bring out his cell. _BEN?!? Why would Ben be leaving him a message?_ He dialed his password, waiting for the message to play.

 _“_ _**Hey, babe… it’s me. Meeting was over before it started. You were right. They offered me the position and the seat. I’m--shit… I’m on fuckin’ Cloud 9, like you wouldn’t believe. I thought I couldn’t be any happier when you left me a few hours ago, but damn I think I need to take my guy out to dinner. Or… if you get this before you get home, bring grub. We’re going to celebrate some way tonight. An’ uh… thanks for the pep talk. We’ll need to make that a reoccurring thing we do. Maybe try it at home. No need to call me back. See ya’ soon…** _ _”_

Justin couldn’t erase the goofy grin on his face. In fact, he listened to the message two more times. Once with his eyes closed to drown in the memory of Ben -- _how he must’ve looked saying these words_ ; the other was just to hear the pure happiness in Ben's voice. _God… he fuckin’ adored this man!_ Justin was steadily growing to believe he could be falling in love -- _the forever kind_.

He picked up Michael’s rough doodle of this new character that resembled him. _Two personalities?_ Regular human, then the vigilante persona. They had to be close enough but able to mark the character differences. He was in the middle of brainstorming off his own initials for a name when Michael wandered back into the office. “ _Is everything okay?_ ”

“Just dandy.” Michael shut the paneling again, keeping out the real world. “ _How’s the comic goin’?_ ” He trudged through the mess on the floor, sitting at the desk.

“ _Christ…_ you’ve only been gone fifteen minutes.” Justin shook his head, clearing his throat. “I, uh… got a phone call.”

“From your … _boy-friend?!?!_ ” Michael teased, rolling close to elbow Justin, more like in the thigh or knee than in the ribs.

“Ben’s _not_ my boyfriend.” Justin snickered, picking up the pencil and manual sharpener.

“You live in his house… you sleep in his bed… an’ from what little you’ve told me, you two have been intimate plenty of times. What are you two doing that _doesn't_ constitute the meaning of ‘boyfriend’ for you?”

“The fact that _both_ of us hate the word.”

“ _Mmm…_ ” Michael nodded his head as he opened a drawer to pull out more paper. “… I hear ya’.”

“ _Are things okay with you an’ Brian?_ ” Justin figured he would ask, not because he cared deeply about Brian. He was starting to really care about Michael.

“They’re good.” Michael shrugged one shoulder, not sure how far into detail he should talk with Justin. He was still a bit wary of the young man. “Not perfect, but better than we were.”

“ _Anything you need to talk about?_ ”

“ _Nah._ ”

“Michael, I’m gonna be here a few hours. I’d hate to waste the quiet.”

“Well, it’s nothing different than what I’ve had to deal with before. Now there’s just sex involved.”

“He loves you.” Justin thought that was more obvious than anything.

“Thanks. I think I know that by now.”

Justin could tell from Michael’s tone of voice that there was something a little “lacking”. “ _… ahhh…_ but you’d like to hear it once an’ awhile?”

“I’d like to hear it when we’re not naked and writhing around in bed, between the sheets.” Michael simply blurted it out, as if he were talking with Emmett or Ted. He knew, at times, they grew tired of him going on and on about Brian. At least with Justin, he had experience with Brian no one else did.

“If it makes you feel any better… he never told _me_ he loved me during sex.”

“ _Here’s a shocker_ \-- that _does not_ make me feel any better.”

“ _Does it matter?_ ”Justin chuckled, swinging himself around. “ _If he’s with you… holdin’ you an’ not with anyone else? Can you really complain?_ ”

“Sex is an emotional upheaval, I would expect him to say _some_ thing. The words would be nice without incentive backing them. Or me saying it first or… it being reactionary when he thinks he’s done something wrong to hurt my feelings.”

“You tell him every chance you get, don’t you?” Justin didn’t know why, but he had always known Michael to be like a nurturer, almost like a “mothering” figure. A few times, after meeting Brian and Michael, he had caught himself feeling the need to open up to Michael, discuss things with him. Especially when it pertained to learning more about Brian Kinney.

“I did before, because everything was bright-shining new. I’ve sort of stopped. I think he’s getting worried. He grew to expect the words. Now that I don’t say them--”

“ _You doing this on purpose?_ ”

“No. I think I get tired of being the only one who says it.”

“ _What do you want?_ ”

“It doesn’t have to be every day. I'm sure he catches himself before he says it. He’ll drift off, then come back… pretending like he forgot what he was going to say.”

“… _hehehe_ … he thinks he’s so suave and clever.”

“Always been that way. Not truly a shocker. I thought--” Michael spun his own chair around to face Justin, leaning an elbow on the desk surface. “… well, I thought adding a physical portion to our relationship would change things.” He ran a hand up and down his right thigh. “Make him more open and vulnerable.”

“ _Hmm…_ the opposite is happening for me.” Justin knew it made Michael a little miffed and uncomfortable the way he freely opened up about Ben. But what he had told Michael was that he would be talking this way if it had been a different man in his life. “And I still can’t get Ben to admit to anything permanent between us.”

“ _Has he mentioned anything more about Tibet?_ ”

“No. It’s become a dead issue for him.”

“ _Have you told him that guy from New York is here?_ ”

“No. I already refused Harkins’ offer once before. I told him I would’ve said ‘yes’ the first time. Now it’s too late.” Justin waved his hand in mid-air. “I fed him some lies.”

“ _How long did he tell you he would be in Pittsburgh?_ ”

“Until tomorrow morning. He took the pieces he bought. I told him if he wanted anything more from me, we’d negotiate. But I wanted to work from home -- _from Pittsburgh_.” Justin shook his head sadly, picking out some colored pencils from the cup holders, sunken into the drawing table. “He told me that was not a viable option. And I told him then there’s no need to negotiate.”

“ _Why?_ You know Ben would be happy and proud of you if you went.” Then Michael wondered if Justin considered him, and their growing comic book idea, a reason for not leaving. “Don’t make me part of your scapegoat scheme, either. We can still work on the comic, just further apart. _How long would the contract last?_ ”

“As a new, unagented/unmanaged artist… _only one year_. They’d put me in a loft, give me an expense account and require me to ‘manufacture’ a couple of canvases a month. That first year, I can only sell out of Harkins’ Galleries. Once I'm established, they'll retain me as _their client_ , but I can go wherever I choose. Everything seems cool, on the up-n-up, but I just don’t like that word ‘manufacture’. I’ve heard of some fledging, older artists actually hire new, upcoming artists to mimic their work. Or re-invent their styles, using these new artists' creative talents.”

“ _Gosh… a year, huh? Wow…_ ” Michael shook his head, looking down at the floor.

“Yeah. I don’t--I’m not sure I’m comfortable leaving Ben for _that_ long. You saw how quickly he could get sick. I’m not sure I could--”

“ _… hey, hey, hey…_ ” Michael rolled his chair closer to Justin, lifting a hand up to pat the leg around the kneecap area. “… there’s no need to convince me. I already know what that kind of relationship is like. With Vic and a little with Ben.”

“I know.” Justin smiled easily and warmly down into Michael’s face. “That’s why I like talking to you. You make me feel sane for the way I feel.”

“Never thought I’d say this, but I’ve enjoyed this side of you a whole lot better than before.”

“You like me because your Mom hates me now.”

“Uhm, partially, but she’s more pissed at Ben than you. He could end up breaking her ‘Sunshine’s’ heart.” Michael pouted for his poor, _poor_ mother and her non-biological, not-adopted son, then snorted with a bit of laughter.

“ _Christ!_ I don’t know what I have to do to ease her mind.” Justin covered both hands over his face. “ _Tell her that I know what I want? That this is it for me? I’m happy with Ben? Happier than I was with Brian?_ ”

“Now you know how difficult it’s been for me.” Michael didn’t want to say “I told you so”, but… eh, it was nice to see Justin get a taste of what _his_ life had been like being Debbie Novotny's son.

“Yeah. I understand why you’ve acted the way you have. You’re welcome, by the way, for distracting her from you and Brian.”

“ _… thank you…_ ” Michael decided to use some random pathetic Elvis Presley voice. “ _… thank you very, very much._ ”

“You…” Justin was deeply chuckling, shaking his head at how he had almost missed this kind of moment for himself. Both Michael and Ben were so much more funny than he could’ve imagined them to be. It often made him wonder, and come to understand, that Michael and Ben had been compatible, but that sometimes even the most perfect of matches didn’t pan out. “… are a crazy man, but you’re becoming cool to hang out with. Don’t worry… I’m not gonna fall in love with you.”

“Good, because I refuse to be in competition with Mr. Universe Pecks Of Steel.” Michael puffed out his chest, pretending to look like Ben and his gym bunnies.

Justin let out a spurt of laughter, wiping at the corner of his eye. “… you can just call him TEMPEST…”

“… _you like the new guy?_ ” Michael motioned to the papers he had written on earlier, near Justin's sketchbooks.

“Eh… he’s kind of growing on me. I like the way you’ve got him talking.” Justin was pointing out the details Michael had sketched. “The contrast of brilliant scientist and violent, bloodthirsty socio-path.”

“He’s not _that_ dangerous. He’s in a lot of inner pain and turmoil… huge losses and heartbreak.”

“ _Did you create him as a love interest?_ ”

“ _A what?_ ”

“TEMPEST and RAGE are rival superheroes and ex-lovers, fighting for the same good against evil. Then you have TEMPEST and ZEPHYR becoming a duo, with future plans for ZEPHYR to fall for RAGE. So where exactly does this new guy fit in to the love triangle?” Justin was hoping Michael would say, “for TEMPEST”.

“Uhm…” Michael rolled his chair over, leaning back to brainstorm with Justin. That’s why they liked the structure of the desk, they weren’t too far apart. “… he looks good with either. We could have him _sleep_ with one, like an unplanned one night stand, but _fall in love_ with the other…”

“This, of course, has _nothing_ to do with the fact RAGE is Brian and TEMPEST is Ben?”

“ _Damn… nothing gets past you, does it?_ ”

“No, not usually. Keep talking.” Justin waved his hand near his ear, wanting Michael to tell him more information to get his inspiration in gear. “I like where you’re going with this.”

“Well, we haven’t even established where ZEPHYR will permanently stay. Or should I say... where his heart belongs. _Does he team up with the man he loves or does he remain loyal to his first partner?_ ”

“Maybe RAGE could meet ZEPHYR’s alter-ego… and that could be the first instance where RAGE is instantly attracted, but resists, since he’s just a Regular Joe… well, a genius scientist Joe. Then later on, TEMPEST and RAGE get called to the same place They’re doing their usual battle of wits and dialogue -- _you could cut the sexual tension with a knife_ \--”

They were both getting animated about the story ideas and this was only development stages, nothing solid and full-proof.

“… yeahhhh… an’ in walks ZEPHYR…” Justin rolled one hand over the other as he went on. “… RAGE clearly knows him, but ZEPHYR… he… _wait? Which one of his personas will join sides with TEMPEST and ‘hate’ RAGE?_ ”

“I don’t know. _How ‘bout ZEPHYR himself?_ There’s something pretty hot an’ steamy about gay superhero sex. Like when they have rough sex, it’s _ultra_ -rough…” Michael pretended like he was one of those superheroes and throwing the other one against a random wall. “… since they’re both so strong an’ powerful…”

“Oooo… I like that! So this is it--” Justin pulled down the sketch of new guy and flipped over to the blank back page. “… RAGE and TEMPEST are ex-lovers -- _they hate one another_. An’ then TEMPEST and ZEPHYR as superhero and side kick -- _side kick falls for RAGE, like_ \--” He tapped the pencil on his cheek as if to stare off into the distance to find a literary reference to use.

“... _**Shakespearean gay superhero comic book**_ \-- _The Capulets and The Montagues_. Then in walks new guy -- he and RAGE fuck -- _they cool off as best buds or acquaintances_. In walks TEMPEST…”

“ _Damn…_ it’s more like a gay comic book soap opera…”

Michael shook his head while laughing outright. “ _Will we even need villains to keep readers enthralled?_ ” He stood up to look over Justin’s shoulder at his quick writing.

“Of course we will. You need the added drama of putting lives in peril, so feelings have to surface.” Justin looked down at the scribbled notes he had been taking. “ _Oh, my gawd…_ I might actually want to read this when we’re done.”

Michael chuckled deeply, reaching out to ruffle the back of Justin’s head, then slid down to his nape. “You’ll be the first to see the comic book once it’s complete, so you’ll have first choice.”

“ _Jealousy!!_ ” Justin snapped his fingers in mid-air, as if he’d been thinking of something else.

“ _Huh? Wha--?_ ” Michael had not idea how that would pertain to what they had been talking about.

“Sorry…” Justin placed a hand on Michael’s chest to reassure him he wasn't a psycho. “I was, also, ‘brainstorming’ for _you_.”

“ _For me?_ ” Michael crossed arms over his chest, grabbing onto his biceps. “ _What do you mean?_ ”

“Make Brian jealous.”

“ _Of me?!?_ ”

“He’s _got_ you, Michael. He’s got you in his bed, in his loft. There’s a _comfortable safety_ in you. If you don’t watch out, it could be worse than it is now. He’ll rely on you to always be there, becoming complacent.”

“Look at you… attempting to hand out sage relationship advice.”

“I _do_ care about you, Michael. I want you fuckin’ ecstatic, but you’re flyin’ under the radar at this point. You’re convincing yourself that you’ll do all right, things will work out on their own. Maybe you need to do something to stir up the pot.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience… _which is odd for me to say to you_.”

“Well… my episode with Ben wasn’t for very long -- thank God. Ben came to his senses quick.”

“ _You made him jealous?_ ” Michael actually found himself quite interested in knowing what had occurred. “ _How?_ ”

“The possible temptation of another man. A mere encounter, just an introduction. The fact that the guy clearly wanted me escaped no one around. Well, like I said, it didn’t take long for Ben to react. He couldn’t contain himself an’ took me into Babylon’s backroom.” Justin averted his head with a sly smile. “It wasn’t really a ‘fight’, but whatever we did felt to me, like the best make-up sex I ever had. When we finally left to go back home, I couldn’t lock the door fast enough. I don’t like staircase sex as much as I thought I would…” He chuckled along with Michael’s snickering. “… but _gawd!_ Ben was an animal -- _for me!_ He hasn’t been forgetful or non-attentive since that moment.”

“Sounds like you finally have your dream guy.”

“I do… an’ I don’t. He won’t come out an’ tell me _not_ to go, beg me to stay.”

“ _Would that make it any less painful, or right, until you two do talk to one another?_ ”

“Worse than missing him, I, literally, ache when I’m not around him for more than one day.”

“ _Damn…_ I know what you mean…” Michael couldn’t help chuckling, shaking his head in awe. “ _Christ…_ ”

Justin could sense the vibe in the room. “Yeah… I know. Who’d have ever thought you an’ I would come to some strange understanding.”

“Or even admit we feel the same way about the men in our lives.”

“ _Have I told you how I sorry I am?_ ”

“Yes. The last time you and I were here, picking out this desk ensemble.” Michael tapped down on the desk's surface.

“Oh… well, then… I’m sorry, Michael, for more than you know.”

“One day you can stop feeling obligated to do this, but--”

“You’re enjoying it too much.”

“ _… yes, yes…_ ” Michael fluttered his long eyelashes and fanned his face, like he was about to get overly emotional and bawl his eyes out. “… I must confess I do.”

“Michael…”

“ _Hmm?_ ”

“Don’t be discouraged. Take it from me, Brian _does_ love you. So much more than _he_ , or you, even knows. Give him a little more time.”

“He’s had nearly twenty years. _What more does he need?_ ”

“I don’t know, Michael… I really don’t know…” Justin wished he had answers, but for the first time, in a long while, he was happier not knowing everything. It would overkill the surprises…

 **~~TBC...**


	11. Chapter 11

 

  
Michael and Justin were completing the finishing touches on a few scenes of the comic book, when Justin’s cell phone rang. The LCD screen displayed Ben’s number. He placed a finger over his lips to “shush” Michael.

“ _Hey! What’s up?!_ ” Justin spoke with a lop-sided grin on his face.

There was an awkward silence, then Ben spoke clear, succinct. _“…_ _ **Come.Home**_ _.…”_

Justin opened his mouth to say something, even ask a question to what was wrong, but it was Ben’s tone that stopped him, the few words he’d spoken.

 _ “ _ _ **…NOW…** _ _ ” _

Then the phone went dead.

Michael frowned with some concern, catching Justin looking down at his cell. “ _Everything okay?_ ”

“… uh, yeah… for now.” Justin’s brow wrinkled with a severe frown. “I gotta go. Will you--?” He gestured to everything he had been working on, on his desk. “Can you finish up on your own?”

“… sure, sure… you be careful, huh?” Michael had been standing nearby, actually finishing totaling the account books for Red Cape. The new desk space allowed him to not have to use the older, hulking desk as a main deposit of all the business crap. He could actually start a real filing system. “An’… if you need someone to talk to… you know the number.”

“… thanks…” Justin choked out a quick, whispered comment. Once he stood up, having grabbed his bags and his coat, he spoke clearly. “Thank you, Michael. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey, if you can’t make it…” Michael wasn’t going to worry, but… he did. “… just call. I’ll understand.”

“Bye.” Justin gave off a small wave and walked out the backroom door.

“Bye… g’night…” Michael thought it weird, only because he didn’t even know _who_ had called. He had witnessed Justin smile broadly, which meant – Ben, then suddenly he was white and looking blank with nothing behind his blue eyes. Michael glanced at the time on his watch, he should start heading home soon. To Brian’s loft, actually, which had strangely become his “home” though everything he owned was still back at his apartment.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

When Justin pulled into the driveway, he noticed the strange car parked in front of the yard. _Had Ben mentioned bringing a friend or colleague over? And… what was Ben doing home so early?_

Once he walked through the front door, he could hear the voices talking, some forced “fake” laughter coming from the sitting room. It was a tiny room off to the left of the main foyer. Justin was too eager to discover who was here, he didn’t bother taking off his coat, scarf or hat. His eyes sought out Ben’s face first… seeing none of the anger he was expecting. He smiled sweetly, then sent his eyes around the room to catch the familiar face he had recently been introduced to.

“Mr. Harkins, what are you--?” Justin was stunned, unable to move an inch more into the room. He felt like he had been ambushed, trapped in a nasty lie. No wonder Ben had spoken the way he had over the phone.

Ben uncrossed his legs, got up from the chair and approached Justin. He slipped behind him, taking the coat, hat and scarf. He draped the coat and scarf over his forearm, then bunched the hat in his fist. “Baby…” He sent a strong arm around Justin’s shoulders, bringing him close to his side. “… Albert came all this way for you. Make him feel welcome in our humble home.” He lifted the objects to show he was off to put them away in the foyer closet.

When Justin knew Ben was out of range, he advanced to the back of the matching chair to the one Ben had sat in. “Mr. Harkins, I’ve already given you my answer. It hasn’t changed. There’s no reason for you to have come here.”

“There was, my boy.” Mr. Harkins sent up the glass in his hand as a silent _“cheers”_. “I had to see what was keeping you from coming along with me.” He gestured with one finger about the whole room, but encompassing the whole house, maybe even Ben. “For the chance to make a name for yourself in New York, to being shown exclusively in my galleries across the world. And to make a counter-offer to ‘woo’ you to my favor.” He made an interesting face, like he had smelled something rank and dirty. “I’ve been to your _little_ gallery… here in the city. Cute and quaint, but I don’t think it’s for you, Mr. Taylor. You deserve the best.”

“It’s what I’ve _decided_ , Mr. Harkins. Nothing you can say, or do, would ever--”

“Albert…” Ben slipped back into the room, arm about Justin’s waist to squeeze him to shut up. “… if you don’t mind. Now that Justin’s here, let’s take that tour to see those canvases you’ve been eager to look at.”

“May I…” Mr. Harkins stood up off the small sofa, holding out his empty glass. “ _… freshen my drink?_ ”

“Of course… allow me…” Ben took the glass, then took Justin’s hand between their meshed bodies.

Mr. Harkins looked around the room. “ _Is there a, uh… downstairs restroom I can use?_ ”

Ben nodded his head, while still managing that dazzling smile. “Why, yes, there is. Around the corner here, down the hallway… right before the kitchen…”

“Much appreciated. I shall return.” Mr. Harkins walked away in the direction Ben had stated.

Ben tugged Justin along with him toward the small bar. “ _Damn…_ I can see this was as unexpected for you as it was for me.” He bent low to kiss Justin’s cheek. “Sorry for the curt, cryptic phone call.”

“No, I'm sorry.” Justin tucked himself to Ben’s side, his own arm snaking along the waist. “I should’ve told you about Harkins and his _second_ offer. I thought it was a fluke. I didn’t take him seriously.”

“Well… the guy seems legit to me, though he’s a bit ‘stuffy’ around the edges.” Ben dipped his head, pushing his brow into Justin’s hair. “Do you mind that I’m about to brag and show you off to him?”

“No, not really. But my answer will be the same, as always. A big fat N-O.”

“ _Why?_ ” Ben wrinkled his brow in curiosity.

“ _Why?_ ” Justin didn’t mean to raise his voice. “ _Why not?!_ ” He leaned toward Ben. “For one, the offer -- _no matter what_ \-- is too good to be true for me. The more he tacks on, the more nervous I get the rug will be pulled out from under me if I make one wrong move. There’s gotta be something we can’t see. For two, _**New York City!!**_ Ben, I can’t--we--I jus’ got you back and things are going so great. I don’t want to--”

Ben bit at his bottom lip, a faint smile growing over his own face. “I’ve been sent the _official_ request to visit the monastery now.”

Justin didn’t know how to respond, his jaw simply went slack. “The one you’ve dreamed about for two years?” His voice was real soft, hushed.

“Yeah… you know these things don’t come around often. I’m one of a chosen few.”

“ _Uhm… gosh…_ they, uh… _do they need you right now?_ ”

“Well… in another month or so.”

“You-- _you’ve already said ‘yes’?_ ”

“No, I haven’t. It’s why I came home early. I wanted to celebrate with you, and talk this over more thoroughly.”

“ _Shit…_ you’ve got _that tone_.”

“ _What ‘tone’?_ ”

“The one where it tells me you’ve come up with an idea -- _a way we can do this_ \-- _but it’ll require us to actually separate, won’t it?_ ”

“Justin, why can’t you see this for the good it’ll bring both of us?” Ben clamped a hand over Justin's shoulder, giving him a gentle shake.

Justin hung his head like he was being punished for something he knew he didn't do. “I didn’t ask him to come here, no matter how he made it seem.”

“I know you didn’t. He’s been adamant about that fact from the start. But what’s the harm, huh… in finding out your options?” Ben tilted his head toward Justin, a small smile growing off the side of his mouth. “If you hold out long enough, he could end up giving you the world.”

“I can tell you now that won’t be enough.” Justin picked up a glass, pouring himself a shot of something amber and strong. He had seen Brian down one to two glasses a night

“ _No!_ ” Ben swiped away the glass, slapping Justin’s hand when he tried to reach for it again. “… not in this fuckin’ house. Not until you’re twenty-one.”

“ _You’re shittin’ me, right?_ ”

“I shit you not, sweetie.” Ben downed the beverage in one gulp, making a disgusted face at the burn of the alcohol down his throat.

They could both hear Mr. Harkins coming back into the sitting room.

Ben was finishing shaking the taste of the drink from his tongue. He twisted his body, arm going around Justin’s body. “Albert… is there any chance we could get you to stay for dinner?” He pressed a quick kiss to Justin’s cheek, then prowled over toward Harkins with the refilled glass held out. He smiled when he heard Justin making a strangled noise behind him.

“Well, I _did_ have other plans, but… _if I like what I see_ , I could be convinced to stick around to negotiate.”

“Why that would be just lovely. Justin and I have yet to truly enjoy good company in our home.”

“You said the rooms were this way?”

“The first of many…” Ben was able to finally turn around, making faces at Justin to show how much he was “putting on airs” to fit Albert Harkins’s persona perfectly.

Justin had ended up, oddly, obeying Ben, grabbing for a bottled water to sip along the tour of the house. “ _… mmm… this should be fun…_ ” He couldn’t wait to see what Ben had up his sleeve next.

“Darling… I’m just getting’ started.” Ben placed his palm at the small of Justin’s back. “You are gonna owe me, after this… big time.”

“This is one time the ‘payment’ will be well-worth the sacrifice.”

“Hmm… shall we?”

Justin chuckled, shaking his head as he tucked his hand inside Ben’s elbow. “We shall…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Justin was in his bedroom, putting away his folded laundry in the dresser drawers. There was a soft knock on the door. “ _… jus’ hold on… be out in a minute…_ ”

“ _… so what?_ ” Ben let the door open wide, leaning against the hinged portion of the doorjamb. “ _… I can’t come in?_ ”

Justin picked up his pace, opening and closing drawers quickly. “Two fuckin’ weeks worth of laundry… I could kiss you…”

“Next time… don’t let the clothes pile like that. You’ll never be able to catch up. _Did they starch your shirts for you?_ I asked them to, since I usually have them do mine, as well.”

Justin had finished with his clean laundry. He set out a pair of clothes to jump into. He took off his  
t-shirt, then his jeans, throwing them over his bed. He stood in his boxer briefs, picking up the flannel pajama bottoms to slip on. “Everything was perfect. Like my Mom used to do.” He started walking around the room, closing things and shutting off lights.

Ben tucked his hands in his robe’s pockets, watching Justin in his trek around the room, then reached over to shut off the wall lightswitch. He grabbed the doorknob as Justin headed out first, closing the paneling behind them. “If you’re not ready for this, I’ll understand.”

“No… no… I’m fine. I think we _do_ need to do this, as soon as possible. It’s how we’ve always been with each other. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to sleep well if we didn’t start tonight.”

They walked down the hallway, side by side, bumping arms and bodies together. When they reached Ben’s bedroom doorway, Justin nearly skipped with excitement. He ran into the room, jumping backward onto the massive California King-sized bed. Ben always had the best taste in bed linens. Justin lay spread-eagled for a few minutes, before he crab-walked to the side of the bed he had adopted as his own. “ _God…_ I’m never tired, or sleepy, until I get in _this_ bed.” He rose up on his elbows. “ _What kinda weird voodoo magic do you wield, Professor Bruckner?_ ”

“I have no fuckin’ clue. I didn’t pick this whole set-up out as much as I got talked into shit, when I bought the bedroom furniture.”

“ _Mmm…_ ” Justin extended his arm out to Ben. “… come on an’ join me… we might not do anything but sleep…”

Ben took off his robe, showing his own tank-t with stark white cotton undershorts as he climbed under the sheets. The comforter had been pulled toward the end of the bed, for later on in the night when it got colder. “… we need to do this before we lose sight of the situations.” He leaned over to open the nightstand drawer, pulling out his glasses, a pen and a smaller version of his yellow legal pad. “ _Me first or you?_ ”

“ _Can’t we do both? Alternate as we go along?_ ”

“Okay… how ‘bout I separate us by pages, then divide things by pro-s and con-s.”

“ _Mmm… Hello? Professor…_ ” Justin motioned a sweeping hand toward Ben and how he always seemed to make lists of everything. He was the “teacher”, most of the time, in this relationship.

“Sorry.” Ben chuckled softly. “I find organization makes craziness a bit saner.”

“ _… no, no…_ I like it. I’d just go with my gut feeling, but that hasn’t always worked, been steering me down a wrong path.”

“ _Am I..._ ” Ben looked down at Justin. “ _… one of those ‘wrong paths’?_ ”

“ _Fuck, no! What about me?_ ”

“Well…” Ben planted his feet on the bed, drawing his legs up to use as an informal “desk”. “... I think I’d be dead without you. So there’s that…”

“ _Jesus Christ!_ ” Justin shuffled over to Ben’s side, laying his head on the bare shoulder and upper biceps. “You really need to stop doing _that_.”

“ _Why?_ It’s the fuckin’ truth.” Ben lifted his arm up to encircle the limb about Justin’s own shoulders. “ _You do realize you've tied yourself to me for the rest of my life?_ ”

“ _How so?_ ”

“Most Eastern cultures believe that once you’ve saved a life, there’s a ‘bond’ -- some consider it a debt to be paid in return. Others think of it as binding for the lifetime of the one saved.” Ben bent his head to press lips and then let his chin rest on Justin’s brow.

“ _Damn…_ ” Justin turned his face into Ben’s chest. “I just didn’t want you to leave me so soon.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head as he wrapped an arm over Ben’s mid-torso, latching his fingers down the side of the rib cage. “I’m not a ‘hero’ in any sense of the word. I’m--I’ve barely lived long enough to even--”

“Youth doesn’t equate bravery. I know plenty of strong-willed people who never would’ve done what you did. And they’re older than me.”

“ _Meh…_ I think it helped that I liked you. A lot. I hated to see you go. Miss out on a good thing between us.”

“ _Shit!_ … you fuckin’ break my heart…” Ben brushed his lips over Justin’s hairline then ruffled his hair, keeping his hand at the nape. “… all right… c’mon, let’s get these lists made, so we can clear our minds.”

“Mmm… wouldn’t want to have to pause in the middle of a great blowjob to add another pro or con…”

“Well… depends on who’s giving and who’s receiving. I can multi-task.”

“I’m ambidextrous.”

 **“-???-”** Ben simply chuckled softly, hugging Justin close, as he buried his face in the top of Justin’s blond locks. His fingers trailed down to the hairline at the nape, then combed through to massage the scalp.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

They finished their lists, but Justin kept nodding off. Ben finally put away the tiny notebook, then reached into his satchel to grade some last minute papers. Justin had one arm still encircled about his body. When he had been drowsy, half-wake, Justin climbed under the covers, sidling up to Ben’s side. Red marker in hand and one knee drawn up, Ben combed his fingers through the blond strands, periodically, as he red-marked his students' papers.

When he was done that task, Ben wrote some of a scene in his book, one he had been having some difficulty with. Today he had gotten some clarity. He knew which directions to take _both_ characters. He was almost seeing double after thirty-to-thirty-five minutes of scribbling. He put everything away, took off his glasses and reached high and over to turn the light to a lower wattage. Ben shifted on the bed, relaxing back against the array of pillows. He loosely wrapped an arm around Justin’s shoulders, smiling when he felt the warm body huddle near, throwing a leg over both of his. He shut his eyes and drifted off…

… and that was a good hour, or so, before Justin woke up to find Ben asleep. His left arm was no longer around Justin’s shoulders, but thrown over his head, palm facing up and fingers curled. The right arm was bent, hand resting on the deeply breathing chest. Justin, inch by slow inch, pulled himself away to stare down at Ben. The little smidge of darkness allowed for some coverage as Justin yanked down the sheets.

He had always been amazed by Ben’s beautiful, perfectly sculpted frame. He surely didn’t appear like a sickly man upon first glance. He was like a Greek God… _some blindingly erotic Adonis in the flesh_ … every stretch of skin was flawless. Although there was one peculiar red mark, under the left arm pit, counting three ribs down the body. It was probably an inch-an-a-half wide. Looked more like a skin discoloration, but on close inspection the flesh was dark pink and raised, like a scar from an injury.

With having to deal with health issues and in and out of hospitals, Justin had always assumed the scar was from a scalpel, needed to help with a medical issue that had gone awry. He knew many things had gone on in the two years since Ben had been diagnosed. Those secrets were to be saved at Ben’s own discretion. Justin wasn’t going to push or pry. It had taken him this long to finally learn of Ben’s father’s alcoholism. He had kept mentioning it, once or twice, when he heard about Justin’s own relationship with his father. Ben had wanted Justin to know, and be comforted, that he wasn’t alone. Ben would be there if Justin needed to talk or vent some pent-up, inner rage.

The slowly lowering sheet reached Ben’s calves and ankles, exposing the body to cool air. Justin worked his way to swinging a leg over, knee on the mattress beside Ben’s hips. He barely touched skin as he hovered, placing his hands on either side of the massive upper body. He felt himself grow hard from looking, could only imagine where he would be if Ben was awake and attentive, like usual. Justin had tried this with Brian a few times, it had never worked. Brian would wake up and be instantly suspicious. It screwed with the whole point of catching your lover unawares in the middle of giving them pleasure. Brian had pushed him off, leaving to go piss in the bathroom. Another time, he had rolled them over, sending Justin onto his stomach, proceeding to rim him and then fuck him senseless. And, sadly, never once was Justin allowed to follow through on the entire secret plan of attack… _Brian always had to be in control_.

 _The Plan?_ Well… the main purpose was to _not_ touch or caress skin with anything but what was on the face. You could skim over flesh with your nose… tickle with your hair… kiss with your moist lips… bite with your strong teeth… even lick with a long tongue. That was it. You could start from the top of your “victim's” head, working down the body. Your point was to see how far you could get before your “victim” caved, not able to stand one more second without touching _you_ . What your “victim” was never supposed to be aware of was that once they touched, they would lose… and you could now start touching them in return. Almost two steps ahead of them, if you timed it right…

Justin had forgotten where he learned this game. Probably when he had begun to know he liked boys more than girls. The boy who had introduced him to this game was a year older… a mentor, who had been a regular at a summer camp Justin went to growing up. He bragged about learning it from a camp counselor, one that he had been deflowered by some summers ago. He never stated whether it was boy or girl. Justin doubted the truth in the lie, something about the way the boy reacted when he tried to touch him, sending a hand down his pants. The boy had skittered, pulled away, but Justin had felt the hardness, the leaking pre-cum. Eventually, they just lay in that bottom bunk, stroking themselves separately, left leg tangled around right leg. When Justin had attempted to kiss the boy, he jumped off the mattress, yanking his boxers up and crawled back into the top bunk. Next year, that boy wasn’t there at summer camp and Justin was introduced to Christian Hobbs for the first time. The rumors didn’t take long to flourish, about Justin liking boys… how he had gotten one of them kicked out for messing around.

Since Ben’s arm was above his head, on the pillow case… that was where Justin began. He pecked each individual finger, nuzzling the palm and kissed the wrist. He trailed down the underside of the forearm and biceps. He breathed heavily, inhaling the skin’s natural scent… which was clean and brisk, like fresh out of the shower. Justin started kissing the bunched shoulder joint, sliding over to the collarbone. Using the side of his cheek and nose, he swept upward from Adam’s apple to below the chin and jawline. As he reached the corner of Ben’s mouth… the body remained still, but the head moved.

Now their lips met fully… both shocked by the contact, but neither drew away…

It suddenly became an intricate game of who would touch who first with their hands. They only kept contact with their heads and faces, slip-slidng cheeks together. One would distance, the other would seek out. One would push a cheek into their brow, the other would do something more sneaky to trip the other man. Soon they were both breathing heavily… they had to pause.

Justin was resting on his knees, still not sitting on Ben’s legs. Ben was upright, leaning back on his hands on the mattress…

 _“I don’t want…”  
“I want…” _

They both stopped, softly chuckling.

“You go.” Ben gestured his head to Justin.

“No… you first.” Justin realized he could only float his hands in the air, around Ben’s torso, even though he was tempted to grab on.

“This--this offer… it’s a good opportunity for you. I want you just to think about what’s best for you. Don’t include me in your decision.” Ben gave out a sad smile. “Okay… your turn…”

“Uhm… I was gonna say I didn’t want to leave you. Not yet.” Justin sagged, then fell onto Ben’s thighs. “I don’t care how many lists we make, it’s never going to feel right without you.” He loosely settled his forearms on Ben's shoulder, draping his hands down the back.

Ben sat up even higher. “If I took this Tibetan monastery offer, I could--” He rubbed at his jaw and chin. “… _we_ could arrange it to be the year you’ll be gone.”

“But you heard him… could be more than a year. _What then?_ ”

“Then… _I’d wait for you_.”

“ _You would?!_ ” Justin had never heard sweeter words.

“Yes… _why’s that so shocking to you?_ ”

“Ben… I don’t want you to be alone in the first place. The idea that you’d— _ **no!**_ ” Justin’s voice was strong, forceful, his hands chopping to drive home his point. “… uh-no… that’s unacceptable. I just won’t go. Final decision.”

“You have awhile to make a solid decision. Time to change your mind.”

“Never. I’m here… feel me…” Justin slid his hand over the shoulders and down the flexing biceps to snatch the hands. “I’m here for good.”

“You deserve so much more than this.”

“ _… better than you?_ ”

Ben reached up to cup the back of Justin’s head, tugging him in for a deep, hungry kiss. “ _Guess I lost, huh?_ ”

Justin clamped a hand on Ben’s wrist. “ _You ‘played’ that game before, too?!_ ” His breathing became erratic at the idea that he and Ben shared something else.

“Summer camp.”

“ _No fuckin’ way!_ ”

“ _What?_ There were small occasions where I _did_ have a childhood, Justin. It wasn’t all drama and tragedy.”

“Nah… it’s just… well, it’s not important, but I’m glad you knew how to play.”

“I usually win, though.”

“Mmm… then you must really love me…”

The words were out and in the air before anyone could stop them. It made them both pause in their tracks, but it began a whole new level to this moment.

Ben’s eyes drifted down to Justin’s plump bottom lip. “ _… yeah… maybe I do…_ ”

They gravitated toward one another, noses touching first, then sliding along the sides as brows skimmed and their mouths were open, mere inches apart.

Ben gripped Justin’s upper thighs and hips, dragging him closer to his chest. “I don’t mind losing. I still feel like I’ve won.”

Justin sculpted his hands up the center of Ben’s chest, cupping the sides of the thick neck, his fingers hooking at the bare nape. “… I’ll always give you chances to win back your ‘crown’…” He sucked in a breath as he felt Ben’s hand filter beneath the backside of his underwear. He did tiny thrusts into the palms. “… I wanna talk more, but--” He purposefully leaned forward, offering Ben a stretch of pale throat.

Ben took the offer, nipping and lapping his tongue over the bare skin. “… we’re a bit distracted at the moment…”

Justin closed his eyes at the vibration of Ben’s lips on his flesh, the warm breath tickling him… “… a lovely… an’ perfect distraction…”

“… _you think we’re ‘perfect’?_ ”

“I think you are… and you’re wonderful an’ kind-hearted an’ so fuckin’ gentle, it’s quite maddening…”

“I want you happy. You’ve made me very… _very_ … happy. I’d hope--”

“ _... ssshhh… please…_ ” Justin placed two fingers over Ben's lips to silence him. “... perfect moments, like these, should never involved any speck of reality. Let this be what it is, whatever it is. Even if it’s only this.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” Ben hefted Justin into his arms and flipped them over to land on Justin’s back.

Justin slid up and backward, relaxing amongst the stack of pillows. “ _Did you really mean those things you were saying to Harkins, about me… an’ my art work?_ ” He lifted his hands to grab onto Ben’s torso, helping him peel off the tank-t. He tucked his arms up and under Ben’s arm pits, sliding around to the naked back, hugging him to his body.

“Yes… I did…” Ben dipped his head to nudge Justin’s neck and shoulder, kissing and nipping at the skin. “I wasn’t lying, at all.” He leaned his cheek against the silky blond strands. “… sorry… I must’ve sounded quite pompous and snotty, acting like your manager or you’re agent.”

“I should look into getting one. I really don’t know what to do to start my career off on my own.” Justin was beginning to wonder if he truly wanted a “career” in art, since it would take him away from _the one thing_ he loved most in this world.

Ben set his forearms on either side of Justin’s head, playing with Justin’s hair. “Maybe Harkins’ Galleries is where you need to think about starting.”

Justin untucked his arms, sending them upward, above his head, bent. “I think--I really do believe I’m right where I should be.”

“Justin… _baby, please_ … don’t do that. At least consider your options. If you don’t choose to seek your dream now, you might not be able to accomplish it years later.” Ben grabbed Justin’s wrists, but not roughly. “There’s no room for regrets here.” The fingers traced down naked skin, soft and tender. “I’m here for you. I always will be. I told you I’d protect you… _watch over you_ … _take care of you_ … but I’m not gonna be your parent and I won’t chain you down. I’m not gonna become like some possessive ‘boyfriend’. I think we’ve established enough freedom and independence between us to know things will work out when they’re supposed to, not because we force ourselves to have a certain kind of happiness…”

“Okay…” Justin let out a deep sign, tilting his head to look up at Ben’s features. “I’ll consider Harkins’ offer… on _your_ recommendation.” He lowered one hand to cup Ben’s cheek. “I trust you. I know you want the best for me. I want you to always be proud of me. Letting you down is not an option.”

“Thank you, but… this is _your life, your choice_. There’s only so often life allows us to ‘captain’ the ships of our own Fate, up to you to pick the right course.”

“Destiny.”

“ _Hmm?_ ”

“I’ve come to believe more in _destiny_. I think we lose faith in ourselves if we leave things up to Fate. Not believing in something… or someone…”

“ _I believe in you._ ”

“ _I believe in you_. Just promise me one thing.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Don’t forget me.”

“Justin… I don’t think that’s even possible now.”

“Good… because if I go _my_ way and you go _yours_ … _and we never meet again_ … please don’t replace me with another blond twink. I’ll even approve of another ‘Michael’.”

“… _hehehe_ … I promise…” Ben felt Justin relax his body, falling slowly into a drowsy, weakened state. He rolled a bit to his left side, drawing Justin into his embrace, burying his face into his neck. The sniffles started and the first hot tear fell on Ben’s bare chest. “ _… jesus… c’mere…_ ” He wrapped both arms around Justin’s body, shuffling them down on the bed. He felt this own emotion swell, his own eyes misting. He felt like they had barely begun their journey together. But maybe they had to separate to find out who they really were, to themselves and each other.

Tibet was Ben’s dream… Justin’s dream was having his artwork been seen and recognized. Strange how once they were handed what they most wanted, the choices became that much more difficult, especially when love was involved.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

“

 

 _  
  
Hey, Justin?!   
  
_

 

  
” Michael had been calling him for over the last few minutes.   


“ _Hmm?_ ” Justin simply turned his head from the sketch he was working on.

“You up to working on this… _or not?_ ” Michael wondered, because he had been talking and asking him questions about the next storyline, Justin had been giving short answer like “yes, no, maybe”. He even looked like his mind was elsewhere.

“… sorry…” Justin blinked slowly waving a hand in front of his face. “ _Did I drift away again?_ ”

“Yeah.” Michael leaned back in his chair, seated at his lower desk, contemplating Justin’s truth from what was really going on inside his head and heart. “ _Is everything okay?_ ”

Justin nodded his head, then contradicted himself by saying, “No.”

“ _Wanna talk about it?_ ” Michael softly chuckled, shaking his head as he threw down his own pen and crossed his arms over his chest.

“ _Do you really feel like hearing it?_ ” Justin often wondered if Michael would one day simply tell him to “shut the fuck up”, since he only talked about how great Ben was… _yada, yada, blah, blah_ …

“ _It’s about you an’ Ben, isn’t it?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _How has it been?_ ”

“Never better.”

“ _Seriously?_ ” Michael was shocked only because Justin didn’t look all that happy.

“Yeah. Ben is--” Justin’s smile widened at the mere mention of the name, feeling his chest actually ache. “He’s a really great guy. Nothing like Brian.” He leaned over toward Michael’s direction. “Thank you for dumping him.”

“ _Christ…_ ” Michael chuckled, threading his hands over his stomach, not sure he was quite proud of THAT moment. “… you’re welcome. But I didn’t _dump_ him. It was…” He shook his head of how odd of a moment it had been, like Ben had already “checked out” on him, waiting for Michael to _do_ something. “ _… weird_.”

“ _How weird?_ ” Justin wrinkled his brow in confusion. Michael didn’t really looked upset or broken-hearted. Probably because he had Brian waiting for him in the wings.

“I’ve never felt close to many men, except Brian. Ben just--I dunno--” Michael shrugged one shoulder, then the other, as if something rolled through him. “I felt as if he _knew_ me, inside and out. He _got_ me, _who I really was_. I only thought Brian could see that.”

Justin understood, because Ben had been doing the same thing for him. But Brian hadn’t. Well, he did, but Brian wouldn’t allow their similarities to matter, or to flourish and create a bond between them. It was like Brian had left him before there was even a chance to start. “Ben doesn’t treat me like I’m nineteen. I’m his equal, in every way.”

“As it should be, Justin. In _any_ relationship. Power over someone can damage the best of us. Makes us become someone we aren’t.”

“So… _what do you think went bad with you and Ben?_ ”

“He’d only let me in so far. I hit this… ‘wall’…” Michael stretched a hand out in front of his face, to show the simulation of a “wall”. “I wasn’t expecting it.” He sighed heavily, shaking his head with some sorrow. “I’d spent all my years since I was fourteen, trying to get over those kinds of walls in Brian. I wasn’t sure I was up for the challenge with Ben. _Sheesh…_ ” He rubbed at his temple. “… I’m still trying to climb those walls with Brian.”

Justin wasn’t going to brag, he refused to sink that low anymore. But he _did_ understand what Michael meant. “You two were perfect together, but sometimes, I guess, even perfect people aren’t compatible. You seem better off now, since you’ve been with Brian.”

“ _Oh? Do I?_ ” Michael snickered out in puffs, raising one eyebrow.

“ _Uh-oh…_ ” It was the laugh that told Justin something wasn’t right. “… this can’t be good.”

“It’s--I dunno--it confuses me.” Michael sat upright, leaning over his desk top. “I mean, I knew things would be _different_. That we would _change_ , but I didn’t know how… _scrambled_ things would be.”

“ _Is there anything I can do to help?_ ” Justin was serious, which felt really natural.

“Nah.” Michael shook his head to refuse the offer. “It takes time and patience with Brian. He’ll usually figure things out on his own. He makes snap judgments, throws the first ‘jab’ before he gets hurt. Once he’s had the chance to simmer down, he starts making sense of the situation. Then things go back to normal.” He could tell there was a strange expression spreading over Justin’s face, coupled with an interesting smile. “… well, _his_ version of normal.”

“ _Whoa…_ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“That shit never happened with me. Brian _must_ love you. I’d just get yelled out or properly fucked into silence.”

Michael wasn’t bothered anymore when Justin mentioned his past with Brian. “He won’t admit it. He knows… and he knows I know, but he refuses to openly state it. He fears the admission somehow means I’ll want a proposal, an engagement ring and then some huge ceremonial wedding.” He folded his arms on the desk's surface and rested his head on those bunched arms.

“ _What do you want?_ ” Justin spun his chair around, tucking both hands between his thighs, feet on the low rungs of the chair.

“I’ve gotten what I wanted.” Michael twisted his face to look at Justin. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I wish Brian was all right with us. He seems _fidgety_. Like he’ll die if he stops to breathe for one second.”

“I know you two are together an’ your life is good…” Justin leaned back, elbow on the drawing board table surface. “ _… but is Brian behaving?_ ”

“ _Cheating? Straying?_ ”

“ _Would it bother you if he was?_ ”

“Well, yes… it would. But one thing I’ve told him is that once we were together, I’m _done_. He’s _ **it**_. _I won’t cheat_. I realize who and what he is, and I’m willing to compromise, on some level. As long as he keeps himself safe and remains honest with me.”

“ _Annnddd?_ ” Justin rolled his hand over, expecting Michael to still answer the question.

“No. He hasn’t strayed. He’s flirted, heavily… but I only have to turn the tables and he’s instantly jealous.”

“Michael, he’s always _been_ jealous. With David. With Ben. Now… you’re _his_ , _so what do you think his problem is this time?_ ”

“I’m my own man and completely independent from him. I think he wonders why I stay. Why I keep coming back. Like what does he give me is everything I can give myself. Like he doesn't feel useful, except for sex.”

“ _Has he asked you to move in, yet?_ ”

“No. Not even hinting he wants me there permanently, though I sleep there every night.”

“ _You think he’s scared?_ ”

“ _Very._ ”

“Ben’s scared too.” Justin nodded his head, looking away toward a spot in the bare wall. “But he’s willing to let me go to New York, achieve my dream.”

“ _Will you go?_ ”

 **~~TBC...**


	12. Chapter 12

 

“I don’t _want_ to, but my worst fear is letting him down, disappointing him by not even trying. He’s--” Justin sat forward again, a grin over his lips. “… he’s so incredibly supportive. So proud of me. He wants my success, even more than his own.”

Michael could read a bit of sadness to that smile. “ _Ben stopped writing, didn’t he?_ ”

“Yeah.” Justin nodded his head, bowing as if in embarrassment.

“ _Why?_ ”

“Because we fought… and he knew I was hurt. I think he’s punishing himself. It’s his way of apologizing for what he feels he’s done to me.”

“A writer writes about life, Justin. Look at us with this comic book…” Michael gestured to everything hanging on the walls and laying on their desks depicting the comic book and their characters. “… it’s _our guys_ with us. _Wouldn’t you think somewhere along the way Ben’s going to write about you and him -- you two together?_ ”

“ _I know, I know…_ that’s why I felt so bad when I blew up at him. I stormed off into my bedroom, like a bratty child and bawled my eyes out. He came in and laid down next to me, petting my hair, kissing my tears away. I let him stay, because I wanted him close, though I was really heartbroken and shaken.”

“ _Was the book that bad?_ ” Michael couldn’t believe the book was _that_ terrible. “I mean… it must’ve been shocking to learn one of his main characters was based off of you.”

“No. It really wasn’t _that_ bad. At first, I was flattered, but when I read the rest it hit too close to home for me to _not_ ask him. I was stunned. A little hurt. Disturbed because I recalled a moment before he and I got together, and someone snarled at me an’ Ben to have ‘luck’ with the ‘research’. I wondered if anything between us had been real or genuine. Was Ben with me only to do 'research' to write his second novel? Then I--”

“ _… what?_ ”

“I discovered where he hid the whole stack of legal pads he’d written on, in his office. From beginning to end. It’s not really an ‘ending’ as much as a climactic overture toward an eventual ending. I haven’t seen him write one more word since.”

“ _And?_ ”

“It seemingly doesn’t end well for the main couple -- the two male protagonists who mirror Ben and I.”

“ _And reading the whole thing helped how?_ ”

Justin made a face of disgust, mostly with himself since he had made such a big stink about something that ended terribly in his eyes. “It was a bit clichéd, overly dramatic in some points. I would’ve gone with a much softer edge. I’d like to have seen a subtle, gradual change and shift in their relationship, like--”

“ _You and Ben?_ ” Michael shook his head, chuckling deeply. “I thought the point of why you got angry was because you thought it was you and Ben?”

“I know…” Justin already knew his point was stupid, but he had been in a fretful moment and snapped.

“Doesn’t that mean that Ben really just lightly-based the character of--” Michael lifted up his hand to be told the name of the young man in Ben’s book.

“ _ **Corey.**_ ”

“ _Corey_ … _off of you?_ ”

“Probably.” Justin kept his head bowed in silent shame. “I had a second… and then a third thought after that night. I packed a bag. I actually just threw some clothes in my backpack and I brought the whole book with me to my mom’s place. I wasn’t gone for much longer than twelve hours; I had planned on being away longer. But… I read the whole thing ans I immediately regretted what I had done. I doubted Ben’s genuine affection for characters and his love of storytelling. I made it _all about me_ , like I’m prone to do. I jumped down his throat. What I didn’t see, or pay attention to, is that he mirrored _himself_ more.”

“ _What exactly does that mean?_ ”

“I don’t know if you were with him long enough to know this, but Ben’s like two different people. There’s the one before being diagnosed to the one after.” Justin stretched one arm from his right side, then one from his left. “Many of the qualities of each man in the book were Ben’s… or _are_ his today. I think--I think the reason Ben _likes me..._ _holds a serious affection for me_ is that he ‘sees’ a young Ben inside me. He keeps trying to stop _him_ ( _ **me**_ ) from going down the wrong roads. Ben doesn’t want me to end up like he did. He wants _something better_.”

“Justin…”

“ _Hmm?_ ’

“That, my good friend, is love.”

“ _Christ…_ I know. It’s what scares me most. How much he _does_ love me, but he’s still afraid to tell me, fearing I'll be stifled or he'll cut this exciting life he thinks I’m about to have short. Every unfulfilled dream and unobtained goal. I’m afraid if I go, I may _never_ find a feeling this equal. Certainly won’t find _another Ben_.”

“So, Mr. Taylor… _what do you want?_ ”

“Ben.”

“ _Mmm…_ _need some help trying to plan how to get what you want?_ ”

“ _Won’t we make Brian more jealous?_ ”

Michael shrugged nonchalantly, not sure Brian was paying close attention enough to notice. “That’s Brian’s problem, not mine.”

“Ouch.”

“Besides, I’ve been given a rare opportunity here I can’t miss.” Michael pushed out of his chair to approach Justin.

“ _Helping the hopeless?_ ” Justin let out a self-deprecating smirk.

“Nope. A chance to be a cool big brother to a really great young man I’ve come to admire.”

“ _Jesus…_ ” Justin didn’t know how to respond, which was why when Michael went to wrap an arm about him, he turned into the warm, welcoming embrace and held on for dear life.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

There was a soft-knuckled knock on the bedroom door, but the paneling was already open.

“Come in.” Justin kept moving, back and forth, never bothering to look up.

“ _Need some help?_ ”

“No… I’m just about done.” Justin smiled, hefting the canvas suitcase onto the Queen-sized mattress. “This will be my last bag.”

“I could carry some of these downstairs.” Ben shuffled inside the bedroom with arms crossed over his chest. “ _What time is the limo to the airport picking you up?_ ”

“My flight leaves at about 10:35am… so I think they said two hours ahead. That’s about 8:10-8:15am, or so.”

“ _You going to be able to get up that early?_ ”

“Yeah. I’m gonna have to. I’ll set my alarm over the next couple of days, to prepare myself, just in case.”

Ben moved to the nightstand where the digital clock was sitting. It was on the opposite side of the bed frame from Justin. “I’ll set it for you.” He sat down on the low mattress, glancing over his shoulder. “You wanna get up about… uhm… 7 or 7:15…” He started to elongate his whole body along the covers, dragging his leg up onto the bed and sliding backward to rest against the pillows and headboard, the other foot still on the floor.

Justin was placing his folded clothes into the empty bag. “ _What time you heading into work all this week?_ ”

“I don’t know.” Ben held the digital alarm clock in his lap for a few extra minutes, needing something to fidget with in his hands. “I had intentionally freed up some time the morning you’re leaving, thinking I’d be the one taking you to the airport.”

“Yeah… I’m sorry. It’s better this way, I think.”

“ _Mmm…_ ” Ben nodded his head in agreement, his heart very much disagreeing. Felt like he had no time left, which seemed ironic to be holding a clock and thinking about _lost time_. “… better we don’t prolong the inevitable. One of us might try to stop _this_ from happening.” He began to toss the clock in the air, looking a bit _frustrated_.

Justin paused in his packing. “And _this_ needs to happen…” He wished he sounded convincing.

They had been trading emotions, off and on, each one taking on the same roles. It seemed it was hour by hour. Justin would _not_ want to go, Ben would encourage him this was for the best; Ben would act grumpy and sound like he was growling every word he uttered, then Justin would console him, brush their bodies together and tell Ben they would see each other soon and to make what they had left special.

Ben set the clock back on the nightstand surface, then stretched his body across the bed, reaching out to snag Justin’s wrist. He was tugging slowly to get Justin to stop messing with his clothes and sit down, so they could talk. “ _You want to…_ ” His thumb pad rubbed over the underside of Justin’s wrist, sensing a slow pulse rate. “ _… fall asleep early tonight?_ ”

Justin pretended like he was being dragged to sit on the bed, almost like Ben had previously, before he lay the wrong way on the mattress. “I’m not so sure I’ll be _sleeping_ the next few nights.” He brought up both legs, kicking his suitcase further down, out of the way. He watched Ben actually drape himself over his thighs, resting on his lap.

“ _Would you mind some company?_ ” Ben wiggled his eyebrows up at Justin.

Justin leaned back far, nearly banging his head on his headboard. “ _Here? In my bedroom?_ ”

Ben deeply chuckled, flipping over to lay on his back, still on Justin’s legs. “ _What’s wrong with here?_ ”

Justin shrugged, staring down at Ben’s neutral expression. “Nothing. It’s just that we usually end up in your bed.”

“Maybe…” Ben flipped again, this time, onto his right side, facing Justin directly. “… just maybe… it could have something to do with the fact you _like_ my bed best.”

“Yes… I’ll confess…” Justin bent low into Ben’s face. “I secretly covet your room as my own.” He put a finger over his lips to make Ben “shush”.

“ _Mmm… why?_ ” Ben lifted one eyebrow in curiosity as he lifted his torso upward, placing his right hand on the mattress, on the side of Justin’s left hip.

“ _… because…_ ” Justin leaned more forward, brushing lips with Ben’s immovable ones, running a hand down his left biceps and forearm. He grabbed the hand and innocently positioned Ben’s hand inside his inner thigh, while his own hand went to undo the tied strings of his pajama bottoms. He lay back, tucking his thumbs under the waistband and lowered the fabric slowly. He stopped just at the beginning bush of dark blond pubic hair, the tip of his semi-erect cock peeking out. When he felt Ben’s fingers take over the descent of the material, he loosely rested his arm along Ben’s left shoulder, playing at the shaved hairline. “ _… you’re in it…_ ” As Ben pulled down the flannel pants, he twisted to lower himself onto his back, Justin easily moving to resettle himself, straddling Ben. They both worked to free Justin of his constrictive underwear and pajama bottoms. Justin raised his torso high, crossing his arms and grabbing the bottom hem of his tank-t. “ _… one of our last nights together…_ ” He felt the build of tears misting his half-lidded eyes. There was a tightness in his belly that prevented him from being his normal free-spirit in bed. He didn’t want to miss a second of time, wishing they could slow the moment down even more.

Ben closed his eyes, trying to savor the feel of Justin _on him, over him, around him… touching him and nuzzling him_. He knew he would never be the same when Justin left. There would be no one to replace him… _in bed, in life and in his heart_. While he wished nothing but great success and accomplishment for Justin, not having him around was going to create a deep void Ben wasn’t sure he would come out of transformed into someone he never saw himself being… _a broken-hearted man_. He thought it would be simple. A good, decent thing to be a part of Justin’s world, while allowing him in his own. But then… he nearly died and without realizing it, Ben cared more than he thought. In fact, he was falling in love.

He attempted to rationalize, make sense of the how-s and why-s. Only excuse he could come up with was that he saw a “potential” in Justin to grow. Grow into such a gentle and kind man… _brilliant and witty… family-oriented and affectionate_ … Ben wanted to be there for every exciting moment. More than that, he wanted front row seats.

After holding Justin close, tight in his arms… caressing every inch of the pale naked skin… he kept an arm along Justin’s back. Planting an empty hand on the mattress, he flipped them over… Justin on his back, legs hooked around Ben’s lower body. Keeping their noses touching and lips kissing softly, barely skimming… he began to untuck and unbutton his shirt.

They both slid the material off his broad shoulders and muscular arms. They were heavily breathing, sexual momentum picking up.

Justin cupped the sides of Ben’s head, fingers clutching at the longer dirty-blond strands. “ _… Ben, please… I want you to take me--to fuck me…_ ”

“ _No… baby… not now…_ ”

Justin groaned under his throat, writhing around. “ _… please… I want you inside me… I fuckin’ need you so badly…_ ”

“ _I know… I know, baby… Christ!_ ” Ben leaned his brow on Justin’s cheek. “I know how you feel.” He slid fingers over Justin’s lips. “I feel it, too, but when we have sex -- _me being inside you_ \-- I want you with me the morning after… an’ the next night and the morning after that… and then so on and so on. I’m not fuckin’ you, then sending you on a plane, hundreds of thousands of miles away from me, while I worry and fret.”

Justin let out a goofy grin. “… _hehehe_ … you said ‘when’…” He bit at his bottom lip, eyes watching Ben’s own mouth. “ _… you’d really wait for me?_ ”

“… _god, yes_ … as long as you need. I won’t… well, once I’m on my way to Tibet, in a month, lost in the monastery daily routine… things will be _drastically_ different. Such clarity and realness. I’ll be overwhelmed. The six months will go by fast. Once I’m back home… well, I’ll be content enough within myself to be here waiting for you. _If_ you come back to me…”

“ _Shiiittt! Not 'if'… ‘when’!_ I might even return early. Check on you. By six months, I’ll be… _mmph! What am I saying…?_ In six days, I will utterly be crushed without you. _Are you sure I can call you? Anytime?_ ”

“Yes. Any day. Any time. I promise you. It’s not that strict of a life. I’m not locked up or imprisoned. Just… give me a time to call you back, if it’s the wrong time. _Okay?_ ”

“Yes… it’s fine. I’d rather have you, in the flesh with me, like we are now. But, if I have to, I’ll take your voice in my ear.”

Ben lightly snickered, bending low to Justin’s ear. “ _… I could give you a sample, right now…_ ” He licked and blew around the ear itself and the lobe, causing Justin to cringe away and, actually, giggle.

Justin close his eyes, leaning the side of his face against Ben’s cheek. _The smell of him… the feel of him… his warmth, his touch, his words… everything_ became overwhelming and he started to quietly let tears flow, burying his face in Ben’s hair. He tightened his arms around the thick neck, grabbing on hard to his own elbows. “… don’t let me go… please… don’t let me go…”

“ _Hey… hey, hey, hey…_ ” Ben pulled back some, throwing off the comforter and sheets as he slid Justin into a spot, laying his head on a pillow. “I don’t go away that easy. I’m always here for you. _Always._ ” He opened Justin’s legs, fitting himself between them, the denim material of his jeans brushing against Justin’s erection. “I can’t let you go. Ever. You’re in me. _Hear me?_ ” He took one of Justin’s hands and pressed the palm over his right breast. “… you’re right _here_. For good. I swear to you.” He felt Justin’s fingernails scrape over the bare skin, tentatively caressing the area, trying no to touch the pert dusky nipple.

“ _… swear?_ ” Justin choked out, swiping at one tear, letting the other fall.

“I do…” Ben licked away the trace of the second tear. “… you’ve become _everything_ to me… I won’t be capable of finding your equal…”

“ _Good!_ ” Justin gently shoved Ben, then yanked him back, almost by the ears. “… you are still my _muse_ … even though it pisses you off to sit for me…”

“ _As you are… an’ will always be mine…_ ”

“Don’t stop.”

“Okay…” Ben nodded his head, thinking Justin was telling him to not stop something else entirely.

Justin knew Ben had understood wrong. “… _no, no_ … the book… _don’t stop writing your book_ …”

“Wha--? Justin, I thought--” Ben’s eyes intensely searched Justin’s face. “You spent that whole hour, at dinner, chewing me out. I’m not--” He scraped the back of his knuckles down Justin’s flushed cheek. “You mean more to me than some… _book_ …”

“You’ll write, _because I say so_. I _want_ to know what happens next. They, uh… they kinda grew on me, the second and third times I read everything.”

Ben wasn’t upset, he was a bit relieved. He thought Justin had taken his stack of legal pads and burned them. But somehow, magically, a few days ago… they had been returned to his office as Justin had come back to him, too. “ _Damn…_ you know too many of my hiding places. So… _you read everything? More than once?_ ”

“I didn’t mean it. When I said I hated the story. I was speakin’ from a dark place. That wasn’t fair to you. I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say. It’s not-- _ **Corey**_ , the young male lover… _he’s not me, is he? He’s you?_ ”

“He’s us, Justin. I know five other gay men who could claim to be him. As I know seven or eight older men who will say I modeled _**Ansol**_ after them.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I made it _personal_ , when it wasn’t. You’ve been nothing but super-supportive. Even when I’ve used you as my ‘model’ in my paintings.”

“They’re my most favorite. Most cherished. Not because I’m vain or I love my body. It’s because I finally knew how you really did feel. _How you perceive me… what I look like through your eyes_. You might be afraid to say it, but you’re vocal in other ways. I find that’s what makes you beautiful to me…”

“… Ben…”

“I owe you so much of myself… being here… the way I am now…”

“I care deeply about you.”

“I care… more than you could fathom…”

“It’s how you know to let me go. Allow me to have what I want.”

“Yeah…”

“… even when it shatters us to pieces…”

“… yeah…”

Justin rolled onto his left side, spooning into his back with Ben’s chest as they rearranged their bodies. Once Ben had his own clothes discarded, Justin hooked his leg backwards, attaching to Ben’s calf. The move opened his thighs, freeing the space between and along his testicles. He felt the brush of Ben’s bare cock, the intense heat resting on his inner thigh’s bare skin. “… no condom tonight… I’ll be fine…”

Ben’s hand traced down to wrap his palm around Justin’s own length, beginning to slowly stroke the pulsating flesh. “… we’ll take a bath, in the jacuzzi tub… by candlelight…”

“… _mmm_ … can’t wait…”

“… me, either…”

“ _Is there any way we can fast forward to six months from now?_ ”

“… no… let us happen _naturally_ … it's worked for us so far…”

“… yeah, I know… stronger only when we’re together… _damn…_ ”

“… I know, I know… we’ll get through… and we’ll be all right…”

“… better than we ever were…”

“… or ever thought we could be…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

They had gotten out of the jacuzzi tub almost fifteen minutes ago, Justin had plopped down backward onto Ben’s bed, laying completely naked and satiated, arms flopped above his head. For only a few minutes, Ben had left him, but it was enough for Justin to catch a few winks of sleep. He kept his lids closed when he felt the bed jolt, Ben climbing back beside him. A hand trailed up his left leg, along his inner calf and thigh… large, blunt tipped fingers, playing under his scrotal sac and sliding up his crack to massage the softened puckered skin.

“ _… mmm…_ ” Justin opened his legs wider, his right leg bent, foot planted flat on the mattress. He twisted toward Ben’s chest. “ _… more, please…_ let’s not waste one minute alone…”

“You look so tired… I don’t wanna rob you of sleep…”

“I can sleep during the day, while you’re at work. I can…” Justin opened his eyes, blue looking directly into darkening blues. “… show up at your office, bring you lunch… or we could just fool aroun’ an’ catch an early dinner later…”

“I’d like that. I’d like us to keep to a normal routine, until you leave. I don’t want us to feel one moment out of step.”

“ _What will you do for the month without me, ‘til you leave for Tibet?_ ”

“Mope. Miss you, _immensely_ … Maybe finish the book, for you…”

“Ben… it’s such a great story. It’ll fly off the shelves. Guarantee the book will do better than your first one.”

“We’ll… that’s not hard to do, since my first one did piss-poorly.”

“Eh… that’s not what I hear…”

“Justin…”

“ _Hmm?_ ”

“It’s okay if you… well, if you find yourself drawn to someone, inexplicably. I’m all right if you become attracted and you--yeah, I don’t know if I’ll be fine thinking it could happen, but I’d be cool with it. Just promise me something…”

“ _What?_ ”

“Don’t--don’t fall in love with him. Do whatever you need to, to curb and appease your feelings and desires… but don’t let your heart get in the way.”

“Lucky for you… my heart’s already taken an’ can never be given out. Not until I get it back. I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” Justin meshed foreheads together with Ben. “… I’m yours… there’s no need for me to look elsewhere. So I can assure you that -- _what you fear_ \-- will not be happenin’…”

“… mmm… I secretly like that… _you being mine_ …”

“I think it’s like you and I have said before. The way we’ve carried on sexually with each other, we’re closer, connected strongly. If we started having intercourse, I think--I think we would’ve felt like we weren’t as compatible. We’d have gotten rid of the want… the desire for one another. And I know I would’ve felt like I was like every other man in your life. In truth, I’m excited when we go to bed, every night. Sex takes on a whole new meaning… a new adventure with you…”

“I… am so very happy you said that…”

“ _Why?_ ” Justin couldn’t help smiling because Ben released an even more mysterious and wonderful smile on his own face. “ _What does that smile on your face mean?_ ”

“Lay on your stomach.”

“Ben, _what--?_ ”

“Do it. I--I have a special gift for you. Call it a _pleasant surprise_ you’ll be able to take with you, while we’re apart.”

“ _What? What are you talking about?_ You’ve done enough. So much I can’t even-- _what more do you--?_ ”

Ben brought out a thick, long box. “Open it.” He set the sweetly gift-wrapped box next to Justin’s shoulder.

Justin rose to his elbows, opening the top half of the present. “ _Shit…_ it’s not my birthday… or Christmas. ’m not sure, _did I miss an ‘anniversary’ only you were keeping track of?_ ”

“ _… mmm…_ call it a Going Away/Bon Voyage gift. You almost weren’t going to get it. I wasn’t sure how you’d accept its meaning. But I think, _if we could use it tonight and the rest of the time you’re still here with me_ … we’ll create a nice collection of stored memories to help with our fantasies.”

Justin peeked inside the box, before he simply took the item out. From what he could see… _Oh.My.Gawd!!!_ He had never been given a more goofy, yet practical gift in his young life. He was too ashamed to buy one for himself to “practice” with, once he had discovered he was gay. He could barely stand buying condoms and lube without blushing. “ _... oh… Benjamin…_ ” He fell forward into the bunched comforter, his heart picking up pace with love and affection overflowing in this one single moment. “ _… you actually found one that was your size?_ ”

“No… they make a plaster mold of you. You send in pictures -- your length and width while erect -- and they’ll generate a semi-exact replica, from a collection of “cock molds” they already have. I did it years ago as a gag gift for a bachelor party of one of my Ex-es. But it--it has sure come in handy for me now. Don’t worry. This one _hasn’t_ been used. I bought a few extra ones. It’s amazing what you find when you move from one house to another.”

“I know this sounds weird but... _have you used it?_ ”

“Once… but I, uh… it was way too strange. I get off more from fantasy and imagination.”

“I do too. But I’m of the theory that every little bit more helps. This--this will be like a dream… cum true.”

“… _ha-ha_ … you feel like trying it tonight? I’ve really been looking forward to watching you orgasm off this… inside you…”

“I want what you want, always. I could-- _you wanna do the honors or do you want to watch me?_ ”

“I’d like to participate, first, because I wanted to try something. I want to know if it will work, like I’ve been imagining.”

“ _Christ, Ben!_ You shoulda brought this out sooner. All this time, we coulda been--”

“I actually don’t mind how we’ve done this. It’s certainly made me capable of differentiating my real feelings from actual sexual feelings. Not that I haven’t been dreaming of the one day we _will_ fuck. I feel -- _like you said_ \-- we’ve been able to bond on a much deeper level… a stronger connection that I’ve never had with any other man.”

“Me too.” Justin adored when Ben called him a “man”. It really empowered him, often making him feel comfortable enough to be emotional and vulnerable, but to also hold a certain strength inside. He reached back to caress Ben’s cheek, letting him kiss and nuzzle face and neck. “Yes… let’s do this. I know it’s gonna make this time apart a little easier to bear… _maybe_ …”

“That’s _one_ of the reasons I brought this toy out.”

“ _… an’ the other?_ ”

“I love watching you orgasm. The idea of watching you take every inch of _this_ … well, _of me_ … gives an odd voyeuristic eye. I’ll have to be careful, though. Too much use of _**Benji**_ could, you know… I might find I have to compete, live up to _his_ standard.”

Justin lost himself in giggles, like he did when he was younger, before his life had turned to shit. “ _Oh, man… it has a name?_ ”

“ _What? Don’t you want to secretly call it something… like our own code word?_ Or we could do… Big Ben/Little Ben.”

Justin chuckled even harder, rolling over. “ _… god…_ ” He set an arm loosely about Ben’s neck. “ _… I love you…_ ”

“ _... oh, Justin… baby, no…_ ”

“ _Why? Why can’t I tell you now?_ We both know I feel it… so much in my heart I’m liable to burst.”

“It’ll make it tougher to leave one another.”

“Let’s not… an’ run away together. _Far away._ Let’s leave all this behind. Just find ourselves an island, somewhere we can live on our own… be together, always.”

“I’d love nothing better than to take you… keep you as my own, but I’d be doing to you what I warned you not to be trapped into. _This_ \--this is what we _both need_ to have happen. We can do this. I know we can. I--I’m… _jesus christ_ … I love you too… I do… so much… but I also _believe_ in us. I have such faith in how strong we are together, and apart. It’ll be tough, but we can do this, baby… trust me…”

“I do… I do trust you, more than I’d trust anyone else. I believe exactly like you.” Justin opened his eyes, allowing Ben to fit himself between his thighs. He secured his legs high on Ben’s waist… his hole having been lubed already, without him fully aware.

“Tell me when this hurts… I’ll pull out. I’ll be going slow, though.”

Justin sucked in air, closing his lids as the dildo’s insertion began. “ _… oh, god…_ ” Right from the start, he could feel the girth open him wide. He reached up to latch onto Ben’s arms, sliding to the sturdy shoulder joints. “ _… more…_ ” He licked his lips, not wanting to undulate his body yet. “ _… you can--yeah…_ ” He arched his head back on the pillows. “ _… jesus… slow down, a bit… yeah--no…_ ” They chuckled softly together. In one swift move, the length slipped in on its own, the anal walls sucking the shape tight like a glove. “ _… oh yeah!… fuck!_ ” He bucked his hips at the depths the dildo fit him snug. “ _… fuck…_ ” It was all the way in, save for the mold’s testicle end sticking out. “ _… that--that’s ah-may-zing…_ ” Justin bunched his fists and pushed against Ben’s chest. “ _… perfect size… the fit… i’s hittin’ all my…_ ” He had to swallow hard. “ _… oh-gawd-fuck!…_ ” If _he_ moved, _the shape_ shifted… and it was gloriously decadent. “ _… all my sweet spots…_ ” He reopened his eyes to gaze up at Ben hovering above him and he suddenly felt… fearful, like he had when he had lost his virginity. But this was ten times the feelings and emotions, because the man he was with… _loved him_ …

Planting one hand near Justin’s head, Ben used his other to maneuver the thrusting of the dildo. “ _… this is all me… in you…_ ” He bent to kiss and nudge his cheek to Justin’s face. “ _… without the fears of making you sick, like me…_ ” He began to move his pelvis with the motion of his hand. “ _… gawd, I wish this was me… I wish we could fuck, skin on skin… but… I want you around… a long, long time…_ ”

“ _... unggcch… Ben… can I--?_ ” Justin was fascinated with the added sensation of pressure from Ben’s body as he slammed into him, as well. “ _… can I lay on my stomach?_ ” He was able to figure out what Ben had meant earlier. “ _… I think I know… what you wanna do…_ ”

“God… we think too much alike… scares me…”

They quickly flipped Justin over, the dildo moving, causing him to cry out and buck upward. He stretched his arms outward, grabbing bunches of the bed linens in his fists.

“ _… ungghh… god… fuck me… now… Ben… please fuck me…_ ”

Ben slid down a few inches, lining their bodies so a portion of his pelvis/pubic bone lay completely flat to the bottom of the dildo. As he slowly pushed, it slid inside; he pulled back, it slid out. The frenzied motions and friction of slamming and pounding into each others' bodies created a simulation of Ben penetrating Justin. They sped up, then slowed down… speed up/slow up… until they both were so wild for each other they found an even pace they both could control.

“ _Oh, yeah… yes, yes, yes… keep… keep movin’… I’m gonna cum… cum so hard… cock is so big in me… so big…_ ”

“ _... do it… I wanna see… feel an’ hear… everything you have to give me…_ ”

Justin leaned backward to try and kiss Ben. He whispered words against open lips… “ _… god, you’re so huge… so fuckin’ huge… ‘bout to split me wide open…_ ” He rolled his hips concaving into Ben’s groin and felt the build up of pressure. It wasn’t like usual… and he finally knew what an anal orgasm was, without cumming… he cried out, thrusting backward into Ben’s body, holding onto him as Ben held onto his torso. “ _… I’m cumming…_ ” This time the sensation heightened, the pressure along his hard length. “ _… Oh, god… I’m cumming…_ ” He pushed back, lifting off the mattress, both of their hands jacking him into his eventual orgasm. He did cum hard once, in a long stream of semen. The further ejaculations spurt out, causing him to spasm with every action. And he couldn’t stop sucking in and pushing out the dildo embedded in him. “ _… oh, god…_ ” He actually sagged his body, being so weak after his intense release, that he fell slightly forward, catching himself on one hand. “ _… god… that was…_ ”

_No words…_ Justin could find no words to explain or convey how he felt. 

Ben fell with him, still pounding to reach his own release. “ _… unnggghhh… Justin… baby…_ ”

Justin managed to find whatever strength he had leftover, twisting his body to face Ben and meshed their pelvises together, thrusting and canting as one. Ben had put on a condom, as usual, but Justin wanted to feel the hot spill of semen into the cool slick latex poking his body. “ _… cum for me… I love you… cum for me…_ ”

Ben bent his head, allowing Justin to kiss and nuzzle him. He latched onto Justin’s body and fell backward on the tangled comforter and sheets. Their cocks were plastered and trapped between their abdomens. He arced on the bed, pushing his head back and shot his heavy load into the condom tip. “ _… holy jesus!… I don’t…_ ” He couldn’t find any words to coherently translate what he was going through inside. “ _… I just--I can’t… believe… how great it is… with us… I thought…_ ”

“… _me too… me too…_ ” Justin straddled Ben’s frame, the dildo having slid out of him. “ _… all this time, huh?_ Sleepin’ around and all we really had to do was open our hearts, take a chance an’ fall in love.”

“ _Who knew, huh?_ Who knew how good life could be just because you an’ your partner have such an excellent sex life.”

“But… it’ll be better, right? You leave for Tibet in a month… I leave for New York City in a few days… an’ we…”

“… _ssshhh_ … let’s not worry about that now. We have to explore new ways to use your new ‘toy’.”

“… _**Benji**_ …”

“ _Shit!_ I forgot…” Ben slapped his own forehead. _How could he forget?!_

Justin couldn’t help chuckling deeply. “I thought it was weird when you called it by that name. I thought Brian wore you out on hearing it.”

“It’s also… that cute little mutt dog, in all those movies in the 80s.”

“ _The what?_ ”

“ _Shut up!_ I’m not that old. You _know_ you saw them. You just won’t admit it.”

“ _Oh, wow… am I gonna miss you like fuckin’ crazy, or what?_ ”

“It’ll feel like that, at first, but I promise… we’ll be so much better for doing this.”

“ _You really won’t have any contact with the outside world? No TV… no phone… no Internet… not even a little radio?_ ”

“I won’t have those things in my dorm. There’s more of a communal set-up in the monastery’s main building. An’ I think they have one or two computers in the library. I’m sure they have limited access. They use them more for research.”

“Oh, so… I can’t set an account up somewhere an’, like… send you clips of me and Benji…”

Ben easily rolled them over, to their sides, legs tangled. “… hey… I just realized this…”

“What?”

“New York City _is_ an island.”

“ _… you jerk!_ ” Justin swat at Ben’s biceps, attempting to tickle him. He was amazed how un-Professor-like Ben could become when he sent out his fingers with the temptation of tickling him to death. Ben had a lot of sensitive areas. And that interesting scar always caused him to wonder, thinking back over all that Ben had said of his young life. His childhood with an alcoholic father. “I know this might sound strange… me asking this right now… but I’ve always been curious.”

“Go ahead. Ask me _anything_.”

“ _What’s this?_ ” Justin sent out his index and middle finger to press the raised scar along Ben’s rib cage. When Ben didn’t answer quick enough, he bent low to kiss the lips. “… _ahhh_ … _‘ask me anything, but that, Mr. Taylor’_ …” He laughed softly, trying to break the awkward silence, mimicking Ben’s voice.

Ben simply rolled onto his back, a little on his side still, so he could stare down at the scar, as well, as he talked. “… that is a reminder to me to drink responsibly… and, also, to never trust my father… ever again…”

“He--he did this to you?”

Ben shook his head slowly, eyes boring into Justin’s face. “No… but he may as well have.” He watched Justin lower himself, placing an arm curved above his head, how he played with his hair at the top. He was ready to listen, which was nice since the story was pretty short and straight-forward. “He threw me against the wall so hard… I broke a rib, which punctured my lung… they had to put a chest tube in me when I got to the ER… I was… ten, maybe eleven, at the time.”

Justin knew his own childhood had been shitty, fairly close to what Ben had experienced, but the one thing he was grateful for was that _his_ father never raised a hand to him. He couldn’t say much for his mother, though. “Oh, Ben… I don’t-- _wha--?_ ”

_What did you say to something like that… when the man Ben was, was so calm and controlled?_ Like nothing penetrated him. Made of concrete and steel, but with such a tender and giving heart. 

They stared at one another for a long time, then Ben had to look away, one arm tucked itself under Justin, tugging him close. The other arm lay lazy over Justin’s bare hip, dangling down his back. Ben buried his face into Justin’s upper chest, under his chin… and just did that breathing technique he did, from time to time, when things got way too emotional for him to handle… even years after…

Justin wrapped every single limb he could around Ben and held on tight, he never wanted to let go… _ever_ …

  
**~~TBC...**


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

 ** 4 Months Later… **

Ben was seated, Indian style, not really closing his eyes as much as staring off into the distance. The beautiful view in front of him was serene and tranquil, the sounds of nature billowing around him. His mind was elsewhere, his body present and alone…

“May I sit?” The voice was soft, gentle, a simple touch of a hand to Ben’s shoulder, not even gripping just… there…

Ben looked up with his eyes first, catching his Teacher taking a bamboo mat beside him. “ _… yes, yes…_ ” He had been sitting ramrod stiff and as he gradually came out of his trance, he loosened all his limbs. “… I’m sorry… I was drifting… meditating… it’s quite peaceful out here…”

“ _And that is a good thing?_ ” The voice had a curious tone to it.

“Yes… a very good thing.” Ben smiled, nodding his head slowly.

“I have been meaning to talk privately with you, Benjamin.”

“I know.” Ben had felt a weird sense about him when he was in classes and during worship and mediation hours. His Teacher knew so much more than he let on, often letting his students find out on their own. “I… _felt you…_ ” He tried to say the right word to convey the sensation. He could almost picture his Teacher standing over his shoulder, even when he was far away. Almost as if he was waiting for Ben’s invitation. “… when you were in the room with me…” It was weird and somewhat inexplicable, but now he understood about being able to talk and send “messages” through every other method but speech. “… your essence is strong, as it should be. I could probably tell you what you want to talk to me about.”

“Excellent. Then I will not need to waste your time.”

Ben cleared his throat, unbending his legs to stretch them out in front of him. “I haven’t been--I haven’t felt as if I’ve put my whole heart into this experience. I mean, I’m here… and I realize where I am and I do all the things we’re taught and I’ve practiced. It’s been a dream of mine to be where I am right now. To be amongst these sacred walls and allow everything to come into me, finding a bit of peace amongst the chaos.”

“Benjamin, when you had this dream, you were empty -- not soulless, rather… lost. The minute you walked through those doors, I could sense that your heart was already full. Not only _full_ , but _overflowing_ …”

“And now?”

“Now… you are slowly breaking…”

Ben closed his eyes and nodded his head in agreement. “I’ve suffered many losses, in my years. Cheated my own death. I was _lost_ inside, thinking I was clinging, so I should let go.” And once those words were said… _Justin_ came into his mind, clear as day. Like it was right on cue. An answer to a question he had been asking for months.

“You were able to set the spirit free, but its freedom makes you so sad still.”

“I’ve come to realize… _he_ was what made me worthwhile. _He_ gave me purpose. Allowed me to see a reflection of myself to learn that I’m not a bad person. I didn’t become sick because I was being punished.”

“ _Have you been able to discover why you are sick? Why, as you say, ‘cheated your death’?_ ”

“I’m _supposed_ to be here. Not _here_ -here… but I’m supposed to exist for _him_. I’m supposed to help him as I help myself, both sharing roles as teacher and student.”

“Benjamin… you, of all people, should know we never stop learning.”

“N _ot even you?_ ”

“No. Not even me.” Old weary eyes looked out over the view Ben had been staring at. “This ‘dream’ of yours… _was it solely of a place such as this one?_ ”

“No, it keeps changing as I change. I’m to the point now where I resigned in myself that being here was never possible.” Ben shook his head sadly. “Now that I am here, I find it’s not enough.”

“You want what most want, Benjamin… _a special soul by your side_. Build a family, leave behind little ones to carry on your name. Let _you_ live on, when you are gone.”

“I can’t have children of my own.” Ben didn’t know why he blurted that out. It was only a reactionary thing to those kinds of comments.

“Benjamin… a child is not yours simply by biology and DNA alone. Any child has potential to be yours, if you open your heart and mind to the possibility. You still have much to learn, but I am afraid you cannot find what you are looking for… here anymore.”

Ben nodded his head in quiet acceptance. “My childhood wasn’t the best, so I dreaded the one day I had my own son… daughter, fearing I’d be like my father. Now, I am sick, with a disease I can pass on to my children… and I feel like that option has been stolen from me, even though I never wanted it. I do realize what you’re saying, but that’s something I’ll have to work through on my own time.”

“ _And when will you be leaving us?_ ”

“ _… pardon me?_ ”

“ _Your visit was for six months, yes?_ But even you know this is not what you want, or need. The monastery was here for when you needed an oasis of safety and serenity. You no longer need it, if your heart is full and your mind elsewhere…”

Ben was lowering his chin to his chest, softly chuckling. “I had some idea asking would be a lot harder.”

“Benjamin… we are not your keepers. You are our brother… our family. You were always able to leave, whenever _you_ were ready. The choice had to be yours when that time was. Now you feel the readiness yourself. Do not hesitate to answer a calling.” He patted Ben’s shoulder as he stood up, then walked away with his head bowed and in his own contemplation… the soft _scrape-scrape_ of his slippers on the cement walkways…

Ben sat there in a daze, not even watching his Teacher leave. He wasn’t sure what to do first. All he knew was that he had to find a way out of here quick, get back home to Pittsburgh and then look into connecting back with Justin…

If he was still interested…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **Same day… late afternoon…  
Tibet… Ben’s dorm…**

 

Ben had grabbed his pile of mail from the main office, then went back to his room in the dormitory. It was rather small-ish, meant to hold one single occupant. He was shocked it had all the amenities it did. Twin bed, dresser, night stand, table with two chairs, a water closet (toilet and pedestal sink) and a clothes closet. There was a larger bath down the hall, where showers were taken or baths.

He piled the items from his canvas bag on the table’s surface, moving around to gather his personal items for his shower. After meditation and breakfast this morning, Ben had gone into a portion of the property where there was a landscaped garden. He worked out in the sun for about four hours. He was covered in dirt and sweat. He undressed out of his long train of multi-colored fabrics and put on a simple white pair of loose boxers. The elastic waistband hung off his hips, showing the fact he had been steadily losing weight. He had lost “muscle bulk” more than anything, while still remaining toned and muscled. When he looked at his image he thought his body shape resembled Brian’s more than his old self. He was also darkening in his once light creamy skin.

No one from Pittsburgh would recognize him. The day he had arrived he had shaved all his hair off. Now there was a nice soft shorn cut on his head, brushed forward and spiked. He had some facial hair, but managed to keep that trimmed to a minimum; blond sideburns a little longer and a dark brown goatee. It certainly made his eyes stand out more. His once blond hair was now a deep, rich honey brown, with some light blond highlights, but that was from natural sunlight.

Ben often wondered if Justin would mind the change. _Would he even recognize him?_ Ben thought if _he_ could change so much in four months, _what did Justin look like?_

The first few days of being here, in the dorms, Ben realized he had been forced into a solitude he wasn’t prepared for. He never thought of himself as “social”, but sleeping and being alone in his room made him crave human contact more. That was tough when the other men, his fellow brothers, were much more intense at this experience than he was. He missed having the day-to-day dialogue with regular people. He wasn’t ostracized, he had been having multitudes of intelligent conversations with brilliant, thought-provoking minds. He seriously missed Justin. None of them made him laugh outright, none of them knew about pop culture and he surely didn’t smile or feel affection for anyone like he did Justin.

It was the first time Ben had ever discovered his true feelings, as well.

The month he remained in Pittsburgh, after Justin left, had been easier than being in Tibet. The house still reminded him of a lot of things and he was never further from New York City more than a short plane ride over. Justin kept to his promise, for awhile, and somewhere he had set up a private “password” protected account where he had uploaded various video footage. Some had shown a typical day, what art work he was creating at the moment, then the rest became about how much Justin was missing Ben and what he did to alleviate that problem. So, yeah… a few times he would break out “Benji” _(they couldn’t bear to change its name)_ and play around. Ben wasn’t sure what he should do to respond to most of those posts, but he kept up with emails and would often get into interesting IM conversations with Justin that bordered on… well, phone sex, but he guessed it would be instant messaging sex. And it was pretty hot, about the safest sex they could have. When Justin would IM, there was always a camera on. Ben thought it was something he had bought to attach to his desktop computer. Then he had been informed his own laptop had one and so began the video/IM conversations that sometimes lasted four-to-six hours long.

At some point, Ben knew they would have to ween themselves off this form of communication, but he had told Justin that if he felt like keeping up with the “Benji” video clips, that was fine with him. He would leave for Tibet soon and this kind of contact would be limited for them.

Ben tried not to bring too many electronic gadgetry with him. He did pack his cell phone and an interesting portable video player that had arrived for him, from Justin. He knew what it contained, so he didn’t bother looking at the footage until he was in the monastery. The solitude allowed him plenty of times at night to dream and fantasize about Justin. The way they touched, kissed and stroked one another into orgasms. He tried to watch the video clips off the player, but he knew it would make him too… _frustrated_. The first few weeks there he emailed Justin on a regular basis. Soon, though, the rigorous lifestyle of a monk didn’t allow for many moments of pleasure, reflection or outside contact. Ben knew it wasn’t fair to Justin to suddenly stop everything, so when he could respond to emails, he told him what was happening or what might happen. And Justin simply dissolved all contact, letting Ben immerse himself in the monastery's world.

He discovered one aspect of his new life that helped, which was during meditation. It was three times a day. Holy days were, maybe, five. This was where Ben had become creative and he used it to his advantage. He no longer had to masturbate… to seek out the same result he would’ve gotten after climaxing. He knew what a celibate life transformed many of his fellow brothers into and some were intensely serious, they didn’t need sexual release. But at Ben’s core, he would always need sex for some type of sanity. There was no way he could give that up for this lifestyle. He wasn’t even sure if it was truly a “sin”, like in Catholicism -- self-pleasure… giving your body what it most craved.

That’s when Ben took himself to the library, a lot. Reading up on ancient Tibetan texts and even dabbling a little in the Buddhists beliefs that had branched away from the pure monastery life. He headed into reading the Kama Sutra, using the practice as a “template” for his meditation fantasies at night. He found himself re-reading classic American and British novels of the last few centuries, brushing up on his own learning experience. Basically, he perused and read anything and everything that would stimulate his mind, causing him to think and wonder about Justin. And the day they would see one another again.

After his long hot shower, standing under the water spray and allowing the fast-falling droplets to pelt his aching muscles, Ben returned to his room. He shut his door for privacy, not bothering to lock it. He was in his towel, wrapped about his waist. His white boxers were slung over his left shoulder. He strolled over to his dresser and pulled out a new pair of underwear. He went to his closet, taking out a crisp pair of jeans. He hadn’t worn normal clothes for quite a few weeks. They felt weird on his body, rather than the loose, draped material of the Tibetan monks. The weight loss was even more obvious, the denim waistline hanging off his hips. He padded over to the small circular dining table, taking one of the two chairs available.

He started shuffling through his mail, organizing it by importance; junk mail, interesting postmarks and packages and bills. Once he reached the last two envelopes, he started paying attention to the sender’s address.

 _Michael? Why would Michael be--?_

Michael was in constant contact with Justin, so maybe… _oh, shit… could something be going on with Justin?_

Ben tore into the envelope and pulled out everything inside. He chuckled. It was mainly a card, depicting wishes for a belated birthday. Inside the card was a letter and a pile of pictures. All he had to do was look at the top photograph and know they were of Justin’s art pieces. Probably hanging in Harkins Galleries, by now.

Michael’s letter wasn’t very long, surprisingly. It could’ve been because Michael had more of a point to make than just shooting the breeze and updating him on his life with Brian. He, more or less, geared the writing toward mentioning Justin. The comic book they were collaborating on that would be published soon. How often Justin came back to Pittsburgh or Michael would fly into New York to check out a few smaller art gallery showings of Justin’s paintings.  
 **  
“… I know you didn’t ask me, but I’ve been watching over him for you. I know how much he means to you and how you’d worry. So, you’re welcome…”**

Ben chuckled deeply, thinking that Michael sounded like Brian. He knew Michael had affections for Justin separate from doing him a “favor”, but it was cute to read. Typically, a “Michael” thing to do.  
 **  
“… I know you and I have a past together, short as it was. I never wanted you not to be happy. To have what you most wanted, settling down and building a place to call home. Well, you managed to already get that home. I suppose now you’re wondering if you’ll find that “one” to settle down with. You did. And if you’re as utterly broken and miserable as he is, then you need to come get him. He’s completely in love with you. There’s no one else for him. It’s not as if he’s told me (he has, though), but I can tell with my own eyes what’s going on with him.**

 **… I’m afraid the New York art world will swallow him whole, if someone who loves him doesn’t save him from his own misery. I would, but Brian would fuckin’ strangle me for pokin’ my nose in someone else’s business. I’m already in the shithouse for not telling him what Justin and I were up to. I would like to keep my ass from being chewed out further. Even though there’s enough to spare…”**

Ben snickered, shaking his head. He knew what Michael was talking about. When Brian had learned what Justin and Michael had been up to… he nearly went ballistic. No one could even call it jealousy as much as… Brian was really, really annoyed that Michael didn’t feel he could be that honest with him. Like Michael had some deep, dark secret to protect. That debacle had occurred the month before Ben left for Tibet… when he had been the “messenger” for some of the things Justin wanted him to give Michael. Brian had some idea Michael was “seeing” Ben again. To appease Brian’s worry, Michael confessed what was going on and… well, that story had its own place to be told…  
 **  
“… I’ve sent you some exclusive pictures of Justin’s next art showing. I think, from his theme, you’ll have some idea of how he’s been feeling. And if you don’t get that he’s aching without you, then you’re a bigger fool than I once thought…”**

Ben took a quick glance over the pictures, one by one. Yes, the “theme” was plain to see. The solitary, lone figures… _the longing… the loneliness…_ He saw it all, because it was exactly what he had been going through. Despite great talent and success, having everything handed to you on a silver platter still couldn't fill the emptiness inside. ****

 **“… There’s a plane ticket waiting for you on-line. I’ve written the numbers to access it below. Don’t ask me how I got the money. It was more of a collective effort.**

 **It’s only one way, because the rest will be up to you and what happens after you arrive in the city.**

 **I don’t know when this letter will arrive, before or after the package I’ll be sending you. Just be on the lookout for it. There’s a few things in there you might want to take with you to New York. IF you go…”**

Ben didn’t bother with the rest of the letter, because the “package” Michael had mentioned was already in his hands. Well… on the table, actually. It was an 8x10 bubble envelope, dark mustard yellow and looked pretty thick and weighty. He tore off the flap end, tipping over the envelope to pour out its contents. Out came a small hardback book, a comic book and a long plain white envelope.

The envelope wasn’t sealed shut, but it contained a flyer -- some kind of advertisement for Harkins Galleries next art show, where Justin was one of the main artists. There were MapQuest directions on how to get to Harkins Galleries from a hotel in Time Square. Oh… and room reservations already made for that particular hotel, as well.

The comic book was the pre-production mock-up of Michael and Justin’s creation. He flipped through the colorful pages quickly, marveling at what they had accomplished on their own. He had known he was TEMPEST, clearly able to “see” that Greek God/Adonis caricature in the superhero. Funny thing was, Ben looked nothing like that anymore. He could now live on in infamy, no one aware it was him.

Lastly, the small hardback book… it lay face-down after falling out of the envelope. The backcover was facing upward. Ben had to admit he was a tad confused, because the one thing he hadn’t done was send a proper ending to his book editor. _What exactly was this?_ It was only when he turned the book over that he recognized the cover art, then the title he had been playing around with…

 _Holy shit!! This was his book! His novel!_

Once Justin had left for New York, Ben had felt compelled to go back to writing and his style took on an edge that he could never see himself accomplishing before. He hated the fact that he was using the emotional turmoil he was going through to project onto his main character… _actually both of them… the lovers_ , but it seemed to have made his agent and book editor very, _very_ happy. He had no idea they had conspired together to send what he had given them off to a book publisher. Opening the cover, there were a few message slips for him, like someone handing him “ **While You Were Out** ” pink slips.

One was handwritten by his book editor, another by his manager and the rest looked like typed excerpts from unsolicited book reviews. _Had they actually let other people read this half-completed book?_ Some had stated it might be interesting to not end the book, print the story “as is”, because readers would crawl toward bookstores and bookseller websites to preorder Ben's third book.

 _Third book?_ Ben swiped a hand down his face. _Jesus Christ! No chance for failure there!_

He looked down at everything in awe as he re-closed the book cover, letting it all sink in. It was overwhelming. From how calm and even-keeled his life had been to now suddenly becoming this whirlwind of activity. It wasn’t daunting as much as… _thrilling and exciting_ , giving him more incentive to show he didn’t belong in Tibet. His time was over. He _had_ a home and a man who _missed_ him, possibly _loved_ him still… and truly needed him, as soon as possible…

… which was why Ben started packing right that very second, even though he wasn’t going to fly out until tomorrow afternoon…

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~  
 **Several days later… 7:30pm…  
New York… Harkins Galleries… **

 

Justin leaned against the far wall, contemplating the centerpiece of his twelve canvases. He could stare at this painting for hours on end and never grow bored. He could loose himself in the view, wanting to seep inside the paints and _be_ with the man. It was Ben, but very few people knew that fact. Most thought it was some obscure German model/actor who had been seen with Justin once or twice. The rumor had begun from Justin, himself, wanting to keep Ben safe from ridicule. Plus, it was plainly obvious to everyone that the artist had fallen in love with his subject.

He didn’t really want to be here, even though it was his night to shine. He didn’t want to listen to complete strangers pick apart he and Ben, drag their close bond and relationship down to something as meaningless as only visible… _tangible_ … in a piece of art. Or make snide and rude comments about Ben’s physique, finding flaws in the perfections. Justin was immune to their caustic critiquing, which was why he liked to be alone or around people he could trust, who respected him, who knew him.

He blinked rapidly, feeling his throat go dry. He knew a few random eyes were “checking him out”, thinking him brooding and gloomy. He had dressed in several layers of clothes on purpose. He didn’t want to put himself on display, felt they could see enough through his creations. The showing wasn’t about _him_ , but about his talents. The art would speak on its own.

Justin caught sight of the group of creative, like-minded art friends he had collected over the last four months. They were young people around his age who he had met through being at Harkins Galleries. He was often shocked that he really enjoyed their company. They helped him forget what he had given up to be here. If he had hung out with an older crowd, he knew he would’ve run into too many men that would've reminded him of Ben. He couldn’t do that to himself, or his heart.

There was Gregory and Bruce… a young twenty-something gay couple who owned their own bar/restaurant… Hillary, who was Justin’s exact age, and worked at Harkins Galleries and was closely related to Mr. Harkins himself… then there was Lewis, the frustrated screenwriter/actor/comedian, who was Justin’s loft-mate.

Justin liked them for different reasons. Hillary, because she reminded him of Daphne. Lewis reminded him a little of Ted Schmidt, even down to the self-depricating/self-loathing/low self-esteem way of speaking. Gregory and Bruce couldn’t help but remind Justin of a younger version of Brian and Michael. It was only because they had known one another since early childhood and they could finish each others' sentences. The big difference being… Gregory and Bruce were open to third parties enjoying their own partnership.

He could stand behind the whole cluster of them and stare, listening for hours on end to their bantering. It was almost like a dance… or an intricate ballet performance…

Hillary would always be the one to drag Justin into their group. She wouldn’t let him hide for long, even now. She looped her arm under and through Justin’s elbow. She was holding a wine glass, gesturing with her pinky in the air. She never broke out of her conversation. Hillary knew how to smoothly transition Justin into the chatter, never missing a beat. “ _… okay, okay… shush!_ We have our expert here. Justin… Lewis thinks that painting next to yours is crooked…”

Justin smirked, taking a sip of Hillary’s wine to wet his pallet. “It’s abstract. It’s supposed to look crooked.”

“ _ **EXACTLY!!!**_ ” Three voices spoke loudly in unison.

Lewis tilted his head to his right shoulder. “I still think the wall is detaching or… the building is sinking into the foundation.”

Bruce took Lewis’ glass away from him, sniffing the contents. “ _Damn!_ He’s not drunk.” He slapped the glass back to Lewis’ chest. “It’s cola.”

Hillary bumped a hip into Justin’s side. “Come on, can’t you be a little more animated, sweetie?” She flourished a hand over the crowded room. “This is _your_ big night, after all.”

“Oh… you know I’m all about the work, more than the schmoozing. This is the part I loathe.”

“ _Ooo… hubba-hubba…_ ” Gregory elbowed Bruce in the ribs. “… check out that hottie at three o’clock, Bru!…”

Four heads tried to turn at their own “three o’clock”, missing whomever Gregory was pointing out, but Bruce was experienced enough to look in a completely different direction.

“ _... oh, my Lord… yesss…_ ”

Hillary rolled her eyes, softly chuckling with Justin. “Can’t we have one night, boys, where you don’t ogle a man for your new threesome partner?”

“ _Ouch!_ ” Lewis shook his head sadly. “I don’t know why you guys just don’t ask me.”

“ _Uhm…_ because you’re straight…”

“ _Is that all? The only thing stopping you two?_ ”

 _ “ **Lewis... you like pussy, not cock…**_ __ _ ”  
“ **Yes. We usually like the partner to be a good Bottom.**_ _” _

“ _I can’t be curious?_ ”

“Honey… mad-props for havin’ the cajones to ask, but you’re not our type.”

Hillary scrunched her nose and wrinkled her brow in confusion. “ _You both have the same type?_ ”

“Well, we jus’ mean he has to be a homo or it’s a no-no…” Gregory kept turning to look over his shoulders, annoyed. “Dammit!! Where did that dark beauty go?! Lewis, you made me loose him. Now, I’ll have to actually walk around and mingle… _fuck!_ ”

Justin deeply snickered, putting up his hand to stop World War III. “I’ll go. I’m not doing anything.” He chuckled along with his friends. “I’m serious.” It wasn’t that he was a loner, it was only that any chance he had to talk to _other_ men wasn’t something Justin did on his own. “ _Do you remember what he was wearing?_ ”

… and so began Gregory and Bruce’s double-single conversation, they could almost do by heart…  
 _  
_ _“ **Uhm… my naked body…**_ _”  
“ **Browns… brown hair, brown skin, brown pants, brown leather cuffs around his wrists… red-brown/rust-colored shirt…**_ _”  
“ **… brown shoes…**_ _”  
“ **No, no… he was in bare feet, honey… maybe sandals, I think…**_ _”  
“ **Sandals?! In New York?! At this time of year?!**_ _”  
“ **He’s tall… reed thin… lanky…**_ _”_ _  
_ _“ **Oh… an’ glasses…**_ _”  
“ **Ooo… I love a man in glasses…**_ _”_

Lewis held up his hand to stop the madness of his internal heartbreak. “I used to wear glasses. Got contacts now. I could--”

Justin strolled away, while his friends lost themselves in laughter. He tucked his hands inside his black trouser pockets, suddenly feeling overheated and overdressed, tragically out of place. He had worn a long-sleeved maroon shirt, mock turtleneck beneath. Over that he had put on a thin cashmere navy blue sweater. He had flipped the cuffs back, helping to push the sleeves of his sweater just below his elbows. He had been letting his hair grow out in the same style he had in Pittsburgh. He had no time for going to the gym, but had still managed to look physically fit, though a bit chunky in places where he had been waif-thin. He was finally growing into his own skin, not looking like a “kid” anymore. He let his facial hair grow out the last few days as he prepared for this showing, so yeah… he looked a little unkempt and “ _I’ve-been-lost-in-the-woods_ ” with his light beard. It had started out blond, but now was a deep richer dark blond, almost brown. He didn’t feel like fully shaving it off, just trimming it so he didn’t look too much like a homeless guy.

He kept his head bowed, looking for a man’s bare feet in sandals. He was getting lost in the high-heeled feet of the women. Keeping one hand tucked in his pocket, Justin pinched his lips, catching a shot of male bare feet some distance away. He let his eyes trail only so far up the body before he started seeing brown shades meshing…

This… was the guy…

As he turned to signal Gregory and Bruce to look over, then glance in the direction he was pointing… the “dark beauty” disappeared behind another wall, swimming amongst the crowds of people standing around. Justin thought it was weird, as he stopped for a moment. The man was actually looking over the canvases, most importantly Justin’s pieces…

As Justin went to move forward, to follow the man, he nearly bumped into one of the caterer’s wait staff. “ _… ooo…_ I’m sorry. Didn’t see you there.”

“Nope. It was me. Intentional. _This_...” It was a single mug of hot tea in the center of a serving tray. “… is for you.”

“Oh… well, thank you, but I’m not thirsty.”

“You don’t have to drink it. It’s from an… _admirer_. There’s a note under the mug.”

“ _Ahh…_ thought it was a napkin.”

“It is… with a note written on it.”

“Oh… okay…” Justin lifted the mug and spoon, setting them down on the table next to him. He then grabbed for the folded napkin, turning the material around to read the written words properly.  
 **  
“Drink the tea. Be patient. Your heart is on its way back to you…”  
**  
Justin was a bit stunned as he folded the napkin. He realized there was more scribbled on the back.  
 **  
“… You can’t hide truth for long. It’s plain you still love him. Your canvases don’t lie…”**

Justin balled the napkin in his hand, twisting away. Now he was somewhat scared… _frightened_ , but he couldn’t help the feeling of exhilaration entering him. He was stopped from moving away, by one single hand.

 

“Once you read the napkin, I was to hand you _this_.”

A small hardback book was pulled out, having been precariously placed under the waiter's serving arm and secretly handed over to Justin.

“ _Wha--? A book?_ ” Justin took it, opening the front cover. There was a clearer handwritten message, in grand sweeping cursive black gelled ink…  
 **  
“BE THE TEMPEST IN MY CALM…  
B-“  
**  
 _Oh… my God…_

“ _… Ben…_ ” Justin’s voice was breathless with shock. “ _… Ben?…_ ” He started frowning because… _what was happening?_ There was no way six months had already passed. “ _Did he say anything else?_ ”

“… only that when you were ready, you’d know where to find him…”

Justin couldn’t stop smiling, finally settled and content inside. He did know where he would find Ben. Back at the start -- _The Beginning_ … at the first canvas he had done of Ben. The centerpiece of his twelve canvases. The “original” still remained in the house, back in Pittsburgh. He remembered how they had awed over it and commemorated its meaning -- by having sex in front of it, glorifying in each others' bodies the way they always did…

Justin attempted to sip at the hot tea, but it was difficult. He may have burned the roof of his mouth and the top of his tongue. He was trying to keep steady, not rush over to Ben. They had been apart for too long, meeting one another this way would be overwhelming. Justin couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t attempt to jump Ben’s bones in public. He tried to talk to people, mingling… show enthusiasm, which was easier now than a few hours ago. The atmosphere felt electric and throbbing, pulsating with undefined excitement. Like Babylon at its highest hours, filled with tons and tons of writhing, half naked gay men.

Ben was here. He had seen every single canvas… and now there was no doubt _he knew_ …

Justin retraced his steps, going back to where he had started his evening, leaning against that far wall, across from the painting of Ben’s naked body. When he was closer, he could hear Ben’s voice and laugh, but also the laughter and voices of Gregory, Bruce and Hillary. _Damn…_ as he approached, he instantly discovered that Ben was the infamous, very much sought after Brown Man, in those beautiful bare feet and leather sandals. The one Gregory and Bruce wanted to invite into their life as new candidate for their threesome partner.

“ _… oh, wait… here he is_. Justin, _come here…_ ” Hillary made her way over, hooking that same arm through Justin’s right arm to bring him into their circle. “Someone wants to meet you. Says he’s been a ‘fan’ for years.” She bent low to Justin’s face. “How can that be?”

Justin attempted to hide his smile as he stared ahead. Gregory and Bruce were planted on either side of Ben, making a strong contrast to the way he looked now. They were both dark and pale against Ben’s new coloring. He looked… _so damn fucking sexy and edible_ Justin almost felt his knees go weak. _God_ , had he changed. Still managing to look like the Professor, but this incredibly gorgeous, self-confident, gregarious individual… _who only had eyes for him_ …

“ _Benjamin Bruckner… meet the artist of the evening… Justin Taylor…_ ”

Ben had already pushed himself off the wall, slowly putting one foot in front of the other toward Justin, who was nervously sticking a hand out in greeting.

“Professor Bruckner…”

“Mr. Taylor…” Ben took the offered hand, pretending as if Justin yanked him close, though he was the one doing the action.

They bumped chests, faces so close they could share breath, and then Justin’s hands lifted to cup the sides of Ben’s face as Ben leaned in… their lips ghosting, then finally falling to mesh as one…

 ** “ ** **_**Uhmmm…** _ ** ** ” ** **  
“ ** **_**Justin… darling… do you have something to tell us?** _ ** ** ” **

“ _Shit! Obviously! Damn… what’d I miss?_ ” Lewis walked up to everyone, completely clueless, catching sight of Justin sucking face with a stranger.

“ _… christ…_ that is fuckin’ hot…” Bruce fanned himself and Gregory who leaned into him, heavily.

“ _Wait!_ ” Hillary put a hand up in mid-air, then placed it over her lips.  
 _  
“What?!?”_ Three heads turned to face Hillary’s outburst.

“ _This is him!_ ” Hillary began to smirk, walking around a semi-circle, watching the two men kiss and touch one another. Their bond to one another was unbreakable. “ _This…_ ” She used her index finger to point and gesture with, whispering back over to her group of friends, who stared wide-eyed and perplexed. “… _holy fuck!_ This is Ben…”  
 **  
** _ **“** ** **Justin’s Ben?**** **”  
“** ** **Oh, crap! Well… Gregory, there goes our plans to share him.**** **”  
“** ** **… yeah…**** **”  
“** ** **Damn… I feel… I feel like I’m…**** **”  
“** ** **… intruding…**** **”  
“** ** **C’mon, ya’ll… let’s leave ’em alone.**** **”  
“** ** **Justin, honey… we’ll get outta your hair.**** **”  
“** ** **Call you tomorrow if we don’t see you…**** **”  
“** **… ‘cause we want dee-tails!!** **”**_

“C’mon, Lewis.” Hillary tugged hard on Lewis’ arm, giggling a little. _Poor thing…_ he looked bewildered and a little hurt. “Stop staring. It’s rude.”

“ _Wow… he really was gay!_ ” Lewis finally broke eye contact with the view, feeling a little warm in the face. “All this time…” He stared down at Hillary with a blank expression of shock. “… I thought he was tryin’ to win ‘cool points’. _Ben…_ ” He kept glancing over his shoulder to be proven right, time and time again, as the kissing continued on and on. Quite a few curious eyes watched in wonder around them. “… the figment actually exists.”

“ _ **LEWIS!!**_ ” Hillary tried to drag her friend across the floor, to a safer non-gay men kissing area. Lewis had a weird fetish for anything _gay_ , lately. Like he was “thinking” about switching teams.

“… hey, I’m comin’… no harm in lookin’…”

They didn’t know who pulled away first. They only knew they didn’t want to ever stop, but they had to breathe on their own sometime. They kept leaning their foreheads together; Ben’s arms tight around Justin’s waist, Justin’s arms tight about Ben’s neck and shoulders, dangling down his back.

“ _… whoa…_ ”

“Yeah… _sooo_ … hello…”

“... hi...” Justin chuckled lightly, pecking Ben’s lips. “God, s'good to feel you in my arms for real… warm… comfy… an’ you smell good, too.” He drew backward a little, reaching up to ruffle the new shorter hair on top of Ben’s head. “ _… I love this!!… It’s so you!!_ ” Strange for him to proclaim since he hadn’t seen Ben in months.

Ben lifted his own hands to play with Justin’s longer locks, how some almost reached his shoulders. “You, too. I never knew it could look beautiful with some length to it.”

“ _Mmm…_ something for you to hold onto…” Justin shook his head, letting his bangs sweep out of his eyes. He felt the longer strands touch his nape.

“ _Ahh…_ all part of your master plan…”

“Ben… you look incredibly hot!” Justin couldn’t get over how changed Ben appeared. His shape was so… so willowy and yet toned, like a surfer. “Better than ever. Different, but so damn sexy. Certainly not my Professor anymore.” He put a hand to his chest to feel his own heart racing. It was like meeting Ben for the first time, all over again.

“ _… yours?_ ” Ben smirked, lifting one side of his mouth in a tease. He grabbed for one of Justin’s hands, threading their fingers together.

“Yeah… I’ve always thought of you that way.” Justin sidled up to Ben, making them bump bodies again. “The way I’m yours.” Something about Ben right now made him feel viral… and manly. Like he suddenly had power and control, for once.

“ _God…_ ” Ben ran his knuckles down Justin’s cheek, gripping the strong chin with the dark facial hair. “… I am so fuckin’ proud of you! This…” He threw his arm wide around them. “… is just incredible! What I dreamed you’d one day be. I know you must be ecstatic.”

“I am _now_.” Justin had eyes for only Ben.

“ _So this was good?_ ” Ben stared into dilating light blue eyes, then down toward the mouth he had been dreaming about. “ _It was right to come here?_ ”

Justin was nodding his head adamantly. “ _Did you go back to Pittsburgh at all?_ ”

“No. Traveled directly from Tibet. A few smaller connecting flights, but I’ve been in the city a few days, waiting for tonight.”

Justin, literally, tingled to know Ben had been here for a few days. Ben could’ve seen him any of those random days, been watching him from afar. Justin didn’t have the courage to ask. “ _Where are you staying?_ ”

“Hotel. Times Square.” Ben leaned close to Justin’s face. “I can see the Jumbotron from my window.”

“ _Fuckin’ A!_ You gotta show me… soon…” _… please…_ Justin didn’t want to beg, so he swallowed hard. “ _How long are you here for?_ ”

“I fly back home on the weekend.” Ben had appreciated Michael purchasing a ticket for him to arrive initially in New York City, but he had taken over his travel plans for the future. Soon he would let Justin in on his plans.

Justin didn’t let the information register in his head. He was still stunned Ben was here and he was holding his hand, tangling with his long fingers. “ _What--? What’s happening?_ I thought your plan was six months in Tibet and then returning to Pittsburgh for the rest.”

“I know. My Tibetan teacher decided I’d learned everything I could. He knew my heart wasn’t in it, as much as it should’ve been.”

“ _Is this…_ ” Justin held up the hardback book. “ _… what I think it is?_ ”

“Yes…” Ben stepped closer, so they could both look down at the pages splayed open in Justin’s two palms. “… but it’s missing an ending.”

“ _Really?_ ” Justin was fascinated he was actually touching a “real” book… not those legal pads. It was actually coming true… Ben's second novel. “ _They still printed the book anyway?_ ”

“No… the real book won’t be published for a few more months. This is a mock-up to check out what we have to work with. It’s already generating literary buzz… which is a good thing…”

“A very good thing, indeed. I, uh…” Justin looked down at the cover art and the title of the book. It was one of Justin's smaller canvases with some very striking words in cursive across the view. “… _Walking On Moonbeams_ … _wow…_ that’s gorgeous.” He recalled the moment that began it all; their close bond and relationship. Their conversation in the car when they talked about art history and Ben told the story of the painting in New York called _“Walking On Clouds and Moonbeams”._ They had really come full circle. “ _May I read it?_ ”

“Yeah… this is _your_ copy. Well, it’s mine, but I’m gifting it to you, in honor of tonight.”

“Thank you.” Justin hugged the book to his chest. “I love what you wrote to me.”

“I meant it.” Ben bent his head toward an ear, rubbing his cheek against the pale, flushed one. Justin certainly had _too… many… clothes… on_. He was gonna have to start getting him to dress in smaller layers.

“I know you did… and it scares me. I realized while we were apart, how much I can’t--” Justin swallowed with some difficulty, then had to grab for Ben’s hand to use as support. “I can’t do _any of this_ without you by my side.”

“It’s why I’m here, baby.” Ben's free hand came up to smooth down Justin's other cheek, thumb playing over the lips, tracing under the chin. He liked the addition facial hair, wondering what it would feel like on naked skin.

“ _Shit…_ ” Justin hid himself into Ben’s body, almost embarrassed he could react so foolishly to such a silly name. Plenty of men tried calling him “baby”, just wasn’t the same. “… no one calls me ‘baby’ like you do…”

Ben sighed, figuring he better ease Justin’s mind with starting an explanation. “Michael sent me. He bought the plane ticket, made the room reservations. He even sent me directions to this gallery showing. All I had to do was show up. He knew--had a sinking feeling you probably couldn’t go one more minute without me.”

Justin felt his heart clench and tears well in his eyes to know how much Michael had been listening to him, hearing him practically drowning in the distance. Even over the phone. “It’s true. I can’t. I owe Michael so much for keeping me sane.” He felt so guilty after he had left; the big fight he heard Brian and Michael had gotten into because Brian had found out about them developing the comic book together. Michael had managed to stay strong, even when Brian had thrown him out of the loft and Michael had come out to see him. “I’ve nearly ruined his life and here he is making mine a dream come true.”

“Well, you’ll be happy to know…” Ben dipped his head, nipping at the spot beside Justin’s mouth. “… I’m gonna be right by your side the rest of your time in the city.”

“Ben, _wha--?_ ” Justin was still trying to get over the shock of Ben being close to him.

“I’ll be going back, for only a short time.” Ben wanted to check on the house, see about his job at the college and then make sure Michael and Brian were truly okay. Even if they told him to fuck off. “I’ll return here, to you.”

“ _Oh, God!_ ” Justin threw himself into Ben’s arms, letting loose his tears. “You have no idea what that means to me… to hear that and be able to hold you.” He buried his face in Ben’s neck and shoulder.

“ _Mmm…_ I have some idea.” Ben knew by how tight Justin was holding him around the neck, never letting him go. He put his hand at the back of Justin’s head. “I should’ve done this three months ago. I knew how you felt, but you had your doubts about me.”

“If I’d known what I do now, I never would’ve signed the contract and made the trip. It’s been _pure torture-near hell_ on my own.” Justin slid down, still remaining connected to Ben’s body.

Ben squeezed Justin’s hand, gesturing his head around the room. “Hey… I’m monopolizing your time. You should be walking around, talking to some of these guests. They love you, by the way, but I’m not surprised.”

“Well, I am not available…” Justin tucked himself into Ben’s side, then turned to grab some material of Ben’s shirt. “… and neither are you.”

“Justin, I’m curious…” Ben cleared his throat, thinking this was a weird subject to bring up. But the way Justin was dressed and the way he kept avoiding people, especially men… it made Ben wonder. “ _… have you been--?_ ”

“ _Celibate?_ Yes. I joined a gym just to even my arms out.” Justin joked while displayed his evenly shaped arms.

“… _hehehe_ … you’re still adorably funny.” Ben chuckled and kissed the soft cheek, keeping Justin under his arm. “Come on, then. I can feel a thousand eyes all over us.” He began to steer them around the packed room. He glanced quickly at Justin from the side of his eyes. “ _… God… I miss’d you…_ ” He leaned his head into the soft blond hair.

Justin closed his eyes in sheer bliss, not caring who watched them. “It’s like I’ve been dreaming, for months, and someone’s finally woken me up. None of this matters if you’re not here.”

“Well… I’ll make _damn_ sure that never happens again.”

They began to mingle together, but Justin only complied under duress and because Ben was with him. Ben did most of the talking and once he set the “mood”, then Justin would jump in. He never set one foot away from Ben all night, Ben never stopped touching him, holding his hand or remaining attached to him somehow. Justin wanted to completely drowning in Ben’s presence, such light and life about him it was powerful to stand next to. Ben found himself, from time to time, devouring Justin with his eyes… smoldering and winking, making the decision that there would be another special “gift” for Justin tonight. One that he hadn’t planned on giving until much later.

At one point, when they paused from seeking out people admiring and curious about Justin’s work, Ben bent low to whisper a “challenge” into Justin’s ear. Once told, Ben wandered off to the next painting, leaving Justin, a bit shocked and speechless.

 _Had he really just been told that if he sold more than half of his canvases they could leave early to spend the night together at Justin’s apartment/loft?_

The second Ben took off, Justin attempted to locate one of the managers of Harkins Galleries, only to see if any of his work had been sold. He walked away with a certain confidence because normally in one of his art shows… two-or three can vases would have sold. Justin was already solid on four, with a fifth offer being questionable. That meant he really only had to work to sell two more, but he wanted to find the potential buyer for the iffy one first.

After he had been given the information and the “low-down” on the buyer, Justin went in search of Ben. To his advantage, Ben was not only in front of the _right_ painting, he was actually conversing with the _correct_ buyer. Justin thought this would be a great moment to sneak his way in, possibly eavesdrop on the conversation.

“ _ **… an’ how do you know, Mr. Taylor?**_ ”  
“ _ **That’s up to him to decide. I enjoy his company and being by his side, when he needs a shoulder…**_ ”  
“ _ **You really don’t want to tell me, do you?**_ ”  
“ _ **You’re buying the painting, not the man himself.**_ ”  
“ _ **I can tell you’re secretly suggestin’ to me that he’s ‘unavailable’. Am I right?**_ ”  
“ _ **I don’t talk to anyone about his private life. He’s his own man.**_ ”  
“ _ **I’ve been hearing things. About the man he used as his model… it was you, wasn’t it?**_ ”  
“ _ **I can’t confirm or deny. Sorry.**_ ”  
“ _ **Fine. You wanna know how I know?**_ ”  
“ _ **No, not really, but I suppose you’re confident enough to tell me…**_ ”  
“ _ **It’s all over your face… in your eyes… that smile. Even your tone of voice when you speak about him. Everything from you shows how much you adore him. Maybe, you even love him…**_ ”  
“ _ **And if it were true? Would it make the art work more appealing?**_ ”  
“ _ **Most definitely. I don’t buy anything unless I can figure out the life of the artist. Some of our most famous painters and paintings were depictions of how they felt about their subjects -- what was going on in their lives at the time of inception. I’ve been keepin’ an’ eye on young Taylor for months, since he arrived in Albert’s gallery. I must say… he’s been a difficult boy to crack open. So gloomy and somber for someone his age. I could tell he’d suffered a great loss. When I saw that first piece, I was pole-axed in the gut. Such depth of feeling and love. You can see it pouring forth. I had to have at least one of these pieces for my art collection…**_ ”  
“ _ **So… what’s holding you back from buying?**_ ”  
“ _ **Nothing really. I’m pleased I gave this a second thought or else I never would’ve bumped into you -- his muse…**_ ”  
“ _ **I would prefer you keep that to yourself.**_ ”  
“ _ **Oh, darling… the secret is safe with me. It gives this exquisite work that much more beauty. You’re doing something right with that boy.**_ ”  
“ _ **He’s not a ‘boy’. Or a ‘kid’. But thanks, anyway…**_ ”  
“ _ **No… thank you…**_ ”

The buyer walked off, not looking back.

Justin finally broke out of the crowd, walking directly behind Ben. He wrapped both arms around the trim waist. He could almost touch his elbows, Ben was so skinny now. “I should be ‘thanking’ you too. I could never have handled myself the way you did.”

“He almost had me, a few times. Then I just--” Ben secured his own arms along his body with Justin’s forearms. He allowed Justin to kiss and nuzzle his neck, sinking back into the embrace. Those months of not having this kind of attention paid to him made Ben nearly beg for more. _Weird…_ before, Ben would’ve been resolved to be the “aggressor” -- the constant Top in their relationship, with giving Justin the occasional moment to overtake him. Now, Ben wondered what it would be like to switch roles. To be weakened amidst Justin’s strengths. To have him powerful and masterful, in control, above him or behind him. He swayed a little, on his feet, the thought making him weak. Or maybe it was because Justin was biting and whispering in his ear.

“ _… I need you… inside me… for real, this time…_ ” Justin loved the many inventive ways in which they had been having sex without intercourse. He knew, though, they would become that much more closer, and know each others' true feelings, if they could jump another hurdle.

“ _… what about the challenge I offered?_ ”

“Don’t care if I do or don’t sell another painting. Or if I win or lose some silly game. You’re here, in my arms, where I can touch and kiss you. I’ve already won the best prize of all.”

“I don’t care, either, about you winning or losing the challenge. What I care about is your success. I’m overwhelmed with such pride and joy, right now. I’m in awe -- and a little jealous -- of how great and talented you've become in such a short time.”

“ _That's it!_ ” Justin walked around Ben to stand in front of him, looking eye-to-eye. “We’re leaving… _now!_ They can yell at me tomorrow.”

“... oh-kay...” Ben exhaled on a small chuckle.

“Wait for me, huh? I need to say a few good-byes.”

Ben placed a long, lingering kiss on Justin’s lips. “I’ll go out and hail us a cab.”

“I won’t be long. I swear.”

“Take your time. Like you said, I am here. I can promise you I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“… _mmm_ … keep saying that, I’m liable to orgasm on the spot, the idea of never sleeping alone again…”

Ben touched Justin’s mouth with his thumb pad. “I missed those little noises you make when you cum… they echo in my ears.”

“I know this will sound silly, but… _did you--?_ ” Justin figured since Ben asked him, why not ask Ben. He had been curious since they had grown distant and not much communication was between them.

“Celibate. A vow upon entrance. It’s a personal choice one continues to seek pleasure through other ways. It’s all in how you perceive sexuality and spirituality. I, uh… was able to climax by my own hands, for awhile. But then I slowly transitioned into rebuilding my ability to fantasize in my mind, having an orgasm, while in the spiritual experience. Nothing like it.”

“ _Kama Sutra… is that what you’re talking about?_ ”

“Sex in that realm is fifty-times more powerful. I’ve never had stronger orgasms. None quite that massive in clarity. It was then I knew--”

“ _Knew what?_ ”

“I can’t fight my feeling for you. You’re in me and around me. You encapsulate my soul. I’m not really good to anyone, even myself, alone. Can’t care about inconsequential little things… like our age difference… your minimal life experience. I’ve learned that I don’t want anyone else teaching you… being with you… protecting you. **I** want to be _that man_ for you.”

“You are. You always will be. If anything, here’s what I’ve learned as well. I’m stronger than I once believed, but you brought that out of me. If I could see the end of six months and know you would be there, I’d pull through. I didn’t want to lose your respect, lose that belief you’ve had in me.”

“You never could. And you never will. As long as you want me, I’m here.”

“I’ll _always_ want you.”

“ _Seriously?_ ”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more serious in my entire life.”

“Well, all I have to say is, be prepared for many more moment of seriousness and sincerity.”

“I’m ready. I won’t be long. Promise.”

“I know…” Ben walked backward, then spun, never turning around to look over his shoulder as he lost himself in the crowds of people.

Justin twisted on one foot, strolling a few paces to come face-to-face with his group of curious friends. “Hi…” He really didn’t know what to say to appease their curiosity and confusion.

 _“ **… ‘lo…** ”  
“ **Hey, Justin.** ”  
“ **Yo…** ”_

“Look…” Justin started to speak, but in under two seconds flat he felt the arms begin to enfold him.

… it began like a domino effect. One began the action and then the others followed until they were all in one large embrace of arms around each other with Justin in the center. He knew they knew what he was feeling… how he was speechless and touched by their constant ability to understand and know what he needed when he needed them to back away and when he needed them close, like now. It was enough that they were quiet, surrounding him with their supportive shoulders about him, like always. He shut his eyes, warding off tears, unable to speak from getting choked up.

“Lewis…”

“ _Yeah, man?_ ”

“I need the apartment tonight.”

“Sure, sure… _just tonight, though?_ ‘Cause I could--” Lewis’ gaze veered over to Gregory and Bruce.

Bruce spoke up first, shaking his head in decline. “No, lewis… you _can’t_ have our guest room.”

Gregory squeezed his arm around Lewis’ neck. “Nor our bed. You’re _not_ gay, my friend.”

“I _do_ love you guys.”

 _“ **Shit! We know.** ”  
“ **Yeah… you never let us forget.** ”_

Gregory and Bruce were both able to each kiss one of Lewis’ cheeks, while he secured his arms about both their waists. “ _Hills…_ ” His sad eyes connected with Hillary’s gaze. “ _… still got that awesome couch?_ ”

Hillary shook her head, averting her gaze. “Lewis…”

“ _Hmm?_ ”

She was ready to refuse him, but while looking at Justin, she decided to change her mind. _What was one little night?_ “Never mind. You can crash, but for _one night_. My boyfriend should be back by the weekend.”

“Cool. Thanks.” Lewis nodded his head, soft smile on his features. Only Justin knew of his roommate’s secret interest in their best friend, Hillary.

“Whatever…” Hillary tightened her arm about Justin’s waist. “ _What are you still doing here!?_ ”

Justin gave a quick glance over at the grouping of managers of Harkins Galleries, knowing that they would want to talk to him. “I really _should_ say ‘goodbye’.”

“ _Go!_ I’ve got you covered.” She tenderly pat him on the backside. “This was your night to shine an’ you shined brighter than anyone tonight. No one can ask anything more of you, except to finally find your happiness.”

“I will. _Now_ I will. Thanks… g’night.” Justin hated running out on people and the obligations they often placed on him, but Ben was more important than ever. Even more than his career…

 **~~TBC...**


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

Justin’s hands were shaking as he unlocked the front door. “ _Uhm… shit…_ ” He let out a nervous laugh. “… Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t seem to--”

Ben wrapped his arms around Justin, moving his hands down his arms to help him, taking the fingers with the key to the door. “ _... ssshhh… breathe, huh?_ You’re all right. This doesn’t have to become a big production. Sex is inevitable, but we’ve got all the time in the world to be together. It doesn’t _have_ to be tonight. I’m not pressuring you.”

“I’m pressuring myself. I’ve lived this moment in my head so many times. Even before I left. I guess I’m a little frightened. There's some anxiety that it won’t be the same or that I won’t live up to an ‘ideal’ you’ve had of me.”

Ben swiped the key from Justin’s hand. “Let’s not prolong the agony.”

“I’m sorry.” Justin hugged Ben, clinging to his side and burying his face in shame. “I don’t think I could ever not want you. It depends on the intensity of the feeling.”

The door opened, Ben pushing the paneling wide. “ _And now?_ ”

Justin slid along the flat paneling of the door. “I’m dizzy. I feel like I can’t breathe regularly until you--” He was going to say “kiss me”, but Ben was already pressing him heavily into the open door. “ _… oh gawd…”_ He put hands out to push Ben away, but then began to slide them upward to snag on clothing. _“..._ we’re gonna harm ourselves if we don’t slow down…”

“I’m patient. Now more than ever.” Ben planted his hands on either side of Justin’s head, leaning in to softly invading his breathing space, tempting with a second, or a third, kiss. “ _How slow do you want?_ ”

“Well, I know we can’t be close… or, uhm… kiss like that again.” Justin slid out from under Ben’s imprisonment.

“ _Where’s your kitchen?_ ” Ben shut the door, turning the locking mechanism.

“Through there… just behind you.” Justin pointed in the direction in back of where Ben was standing. “ _Why? What are you thinking?_ ”

“We should be in different rooms.” Ben grabbed Justin’s hand, walking into the loft apartment. He swiftly sent him ahead, while standing still. “ _Wow…_ this is all yours?” He was even more impressed with the layout. It was larger than Brian’s living space.

“No. That guy you met tonight -- _Lewis_. He was here first. We met one afternoon when I was here that first month. He brought in the rest. We both knew Hillary -- _that pretty redhead that was glued to my side_. She’s Harkins’ niece.”

“I liked them, Justin. I’m glad you had them while I was away.”

“They never really replaced you, per se. It was tough at first -- _being here, not knowing anyone_. I was apprehensive about growing attached to anybody or forming close relationships. Only because I knew I’d be leaving once you arrived and my contract was done.”

“We can always renegotiate.”

“ _Huh?_ ” Justin’s face nearly dropped in shock.

“Settle down…” Ben snickered softly, shaking his head. “… I meant your contract with Harkins. Judging by the success you had tonight, there’s no telling where you could go with your art and talents. I’d hate to stifle the momentum if it’s… _what?_ ” He smirked with the facial expression pouring off Justin’s features. That smile nearly killed him.

“You still talk about me as if I were some kind of prodigy, waiting to explode out into the world.”Justin knew that they’d talk for a bit, so he came around the side of the cut-away from the living room area into the kitchen where a large breakfast bar was. He stood in front of a stool. “... and it sounds to me like you'd give up everything back in Pittsburgh just to come out here with me.”

“And what if I did? For us?” Ben leaned back onto the edge of the counter top, facing Justin.

“Christ… I’m afraid to find out.”

“I miss teaching, but--” Ben shook his head, because even being here with Justin he was growing melancholy as if they _weren’t_ together. “I'll be returning to a questionable standing with Carnegie Mellon.”

“We're in this together. I’ve finally got my own money. I never needed all of _that_ , but now… _we can take care of you_. Those five paintings that were sold could carry me into an early retirement.”

“ _Six._ ” Ben corrected quickly with a sly grin on his lips.

“Five…” Justin interrupted with a lowering of his chin. “... that last canvas you were standing in front of was the fifth one.”

“Nope. Tonight, I _officially_ invested in you.” Ben smiled broader, holding back on a secret he had been keeping for the last few hours.

“Ben, I-- _which one did you--?_ ” _Did Justin even have to ask?_ _He stared dumbfounded at Ben._

“I have to admit, I’m secretly jealous the ‘original’ is hanging in _your_ studio, back at the house. I wanted one for myself. Now, I do.”

Justin grew more humbled and silent with the knowledge. “They’re _all_ of you, in a way.”

“I remember the night you finished it.” Ben rubbed at his jaw, mind slipping back in time. The memory clear and vivid. “You finally had kicked me out of the attic, since you knew I couldn’t stand posing for you any longer. Then you slaved over that canvas for days… in four-to-five hour increments. I’d never seen you more determined to make something you created come out right. You were scared, afraid to let me see it.”

Justin joined in, his own mind flashing through the past, but acting as if it were just yesterday. That’s how easy it was with Ben. “… you were the perfect model. In body and mind-set. I could’ve put you in any position and you would’ve listened. I think being naked… that vulnerable with me, periodically staring at you… you were a bit unnerved, not your usual calm self.”

“I’ll admit I didn’t mind that it was a one time thing, but seeing what you painted, in the end… I was a little upset you didn’t ask me to sit for you again.” Ben’s gaze drifted away, staring into the distance. “… the night we ‘christened’ it was the moment I knew I loved you…”

“ _… Ben…_ ” Justin shook his head, wishing Ben hadn’t said that right now. Not while their reunion was still fresh. He looked down and away, toward a spot in the middle of the loft.

“Don’t…” Ben put out his hand to prevent Justin from ruining the moment with things he didn’t mean. “… don’t do that. Don’t look away.” He liked it when Justin twisted his head back around, then took a seat on the stool he had been gripping tight. “I knew you loved me for quite awhile, but that picture solidified it for me.”

“It really isn’t for sale.”

“I know… I told the gallery manager I had ways of making you cave, under my will.”

“No you didn’t.” Justin chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

“I wanted you to win my challenge. You have six paintings sold now, and I guarantee two more followed.”

“I’m _not_ taking your money.” Justin already slammed his hand down as if “veto-ing” an ordinance.

“You won’t even notice it’s there.” Ben waved his hand in mid-air, like it was no big deal. He knew he was the best person to handle their finances. More of his “list” techniques put to use, but it had worked when they had been together four months ago. Except Ben had been the “bread winner”. Now the tables had turned. “I’ll help you organize all of this once the checks start showing up.”

“Whatever we do, we go about it the way you planned before… _jointly_.”

“Agreed. With some stipulations.”

“Of course. I’m not greedy.”

They were laughing together, the moment not feeling so electrically charged as they stood far apart.

“I’m gonna go change out of these clothes.” Justin was already pulling off his sweater, but Ben was turned away. “I’m getting a little warm in my skin.”

“You hungry or thirsty? I’ll root around your kitchen. Cook us both something.”

“I could eat, if you are.” Justin went off to change inside the huge walk-in closet. He left one of the double doors open, loving the sound of hearing the noises in the kitchen, _knowing it was Ben_. He undressed down to his underwear, then grabbed a tank-t and some flannel pajama bottoms. He strolled out of the closet to head toward the bathroom. He didn’t need to pee, he simply wanted to show off his near-naked body. It was moot, since Ben wasn’t exactly watching him.

Ben’s back was turned, finding items in the cupboards and the fridge. Justin decided he could just as well dress out in the middle of the loft, then hide away in the bathroom. He was pulling down the cotton hem of his tank-t as he strolled into the kitchen, padding with bare feet on the chilled brick flooring.

“Finding things okay?” Justin hung over the top of the fridge door, smiling down at Ben squatting as he peered into the crisper drawers.

“Yes, I am.” Ben looked up, smirking at Justin. He popped back up to kiss the pouting lips quickly. “We’ll split this omelet. _You want anything else?_ ” His arms were laden with vegetables and shredded cheese.

“Lewis has some sausage links in the freezer, I think. We’ll have to replace whatever we eat. Rules of the house.”

“Sounds fair. _Toast good, too?_ ”

“Yeah… I’ll do that, if you wanna work the stove top. I promise not to burn your slices like the last time.” Justin grabbed four slices of bread and jumped to sit on the counter to “man” the toaster. The position, also, allowed him to watch Ben shuffle around the kitchen space. “Come here…” He put out an arm, opening and closing his fingers. “… face me…” He couldn’t stand it anymore. They were alone and out of the public eye, and he hadn’t had a good look at Ben’s new appearance.

Ben turned around, arms splayed out from his body.

Justin spread his legs, pulling Ben closer, as he started to unbutton the linen tunic. The shirt fabric hung, draped to reveal an extremely beautifully shaped torso. “Jesus… this is so incredible… still muscular, but I can see every bend and curve. Your abs are fantastic…” Justin flicked his finger on the taut skin. “ _… that… is insane_ , Ben. Your gym bunnies are gonna freak!” He slipped the fabric off Ben’s shoulders, then trapped him by the elbows and pulled him near. “ _Jesus…_ I’m almost stronger than you.” He nipped and nuzzled at the bare neck and along the throat, watching Ben succumb easily to his ministrations.

Ben leaned his head, and body, on Justin. “… no… I’m just weaker around you. I’ve done celibacy before when I was first diagnosed, but never like this.”

“ _Was it really difficult? Having to be on your best behavior with the other monks?_ ”

“I never saw many of them except in the small classes, some during meditations. You’re truly encouraged to seek solitude. Probably why I’m craving your company right now. Or maybe because I just fuckin’ want you…” Ben looked own at Justin, watching him kiss and lick over his naked flesh.

“… _mmm_ … I like both choices…” Justin shifted around, letting Ben’s shirt fall to the floor. “… and I like knowing you were alone. I certainly felt that way, even here in New York City. It’s been painful to try and connect with other people, just to appear normal and functioning. Thank God I found people who don’t mind my weirdness at being social and non-social. Wanting them around, but not participating much. They understood… especially Lewis.”

“ _He’s straight, isn’t he?_ ”

“Yeah… _why? Did he hit on you?_ ”

“No. That cute gay couple, who wanted me to join their threesome, did.”

“ _Sheesh…_ I’m sorry. They mean well. Don’t worry. They _know_ who you are. You’ll be left alone.”

“I don’t know… _didn’t you like that kind of stuff with Brian? Foursomes? Watching him fuck and control another man along side you?_ ”

Justin rested his arms on Ben’s shoulders, hands dangling down his back. “I don’t want to share you. Or give my body to anyone but you.”

“Good… that’s what I wanna hear.” Ben softly pecked Justin’s lips, keeping his forehead on Justin’s brow. “… _mmm… you talked about me a lot with them?_ ”

“Mostly to Lewis. Because… well, it was late one night and I heard him storm in, stomp off to his bedroom and burst into tears.” Justin shook his head. “I knew those tears. I’d often shed them myself a few times.”

“ _What happened?_ ”

“His fiancé was cheating on him… with his older bother…”

“Ow-ch…”

“Yeah… so I went into his room and we talked… shared stories and experiences. He asked me what was my biggest secret. I was pretty much spilling the beans about you and I – us…”

“ _Lewis didn’t know you were gay?_ ”

“He did. He knew. He’s a comedian. He likes to joke and tease. He has such an honest way of tellin’ his jokes, too. People tend to believe him, even when he’s lying through his teeth.”

“He had me fooled.” Ben gestured over his shoulder. “May I finish cooking our omelet and links?”

“Sure. The toast should be…” The bread ejected as Justin was speaking. “… done. I couldn’t have timed that more perfectly.”

“I dare you.”

“ _Hmm…_ no, not a gambling man.”

Ben chopped the last of the peppers and onions, finishing up with beating the eggs since the fry pan had been warming. “ _Didn’t Harkins offer to put you up some place or was I dreaming that part of your contract?_ ”

“You heard correctly. I refused the place. It was excessively huge and… way too expensive.” Justin brought out two ceramic dishes, from the drainer, placing two slices of toast on each plate. “ _Why do you ask?_ ”

“ _Uh…_ because I’m not staying here with both you and Lewis. Plus, I’d figure maybe you’d want us to have some privacy, make up for lost time and whatnot.”

“ _Oh, God… I forgot that in such a short time, didn’t I?_ Of course you an’ I could get our own place, but I don’t want to be obligated to Harkins any more than I already am with my art.”

“I could extend my stay at the hotel. The suite is pretty large, like a mini-apartment. But I’ll have to start looking when I come back after the weekend.” Ben placed the links in the second fry pan. “I don’t mind a loft or a one bedroom, but we might wanna go for two bedrooms… in case guests come to visit or… we’re fighting…”

“I doubt I’d ever get mad at you. I see you more annoyed with me. Might as well do what we did before, since it worked out great.”

“ _Have your own bedroom, but sleep with me every night?_ ”

“No one will know, but us. Besides… more closet and drawer space.”

“Then we get larger closets and more dressers.”

“ _Do you mind?_ ”

“ _Mind?_ Baby…” Ben smiled with such bliss on his face. He was simply happy to be out of Tibet and with other people. Even more pleased it was Justin. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“…’cause… I’m okay with our old way…”

“I know you are, but I’m not letting you have any doubts where you belong.”

“I don’t--I don’t… not any longer.”

Ben expertly flipped the omelet, then only used the pan in the air to switch sides, cooking evenly. “… watch out… hot pan coming through…” He carried the pan over to the prepared plates. He halved the huge omelet, then split the two sections for each dish. The links were cooking up nicely. “ _Table or--?_ ”

“Couch… like we always did before…”

“Cool… couch it is…”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

They sat on the couch, talked and laughed as if they had never been apart. They didn’t know how it happened, but soon they were both dozing on opposite ends of the furniture. At some point, one of them crawled over to the other, half-lidded hazy eyes staring intensely as mouths met…

… Justin pushed Ben to slowly fall back on the cushions. He straddled the frame, kissing down the center of Ben’s chest until he reached the pleated pants. He was frantically undoing the leather and zipper, kissing and licking the bare midriff. Ben lifted his hips in order to help with taking off his slacks. When they were gone and off Ben’s body, Justin started to thrust, rolling his hips into Ben’s groin. He and Ben worked to untie and slide the pajama bottoms down and off, as well. They hit the floor with Ben’s own clothing.

Ben molded and squeezed the pliable ass cheeks, spreading them apart. He ran fingers up and down the crack, not touching the puckered skin quite yet. Justin picked up his own pace, feeling overcome with severe want and desire for the man he was with.

“I’m sorry, Ben… I can’t--can’t hold back anymore…”

“... _ssshhh_ … it’s okay, babe… do what you need…” Ben bit and licked the pert nipple, tugging with his teeth. He crossed his arms over Justin’s back, encouraging him to quicken his canting. He slid the underwear down further, exposing the bare bottom and hard cock. He reach between their bodies, wrapping his hand around Justin’s stiffening length, steadily stroking. “ _… cum for me… jus’ let go an’ cum… cum on me…_ ”

Justin pushed himself upright, beginning to thrust along with Ben’s strokes. “ _… oh God… fuck… fuuuck…_ ” He did another series of grunts and groans as he felt the rise of an orgasm inside his body. “ _… I’m cummin’… fuck… I’m gonna cum… so hard…_ ” He arched backward, feeling the pull of a heavy climax as he spurt semen over Ben’s hand and belly. He kept moving, feeling Ben’s thickness under him. He leaned over, grabbing the arm rest above Ben’s head. He shifted his body upward, letting Ben slide his briefs completely off. Ben shaped the rounded ass, lifting the body toward his face so he could taste the leftover cum, sucking on the cocktip. “ _… ughh… yeah… tha’s… god, tha’s fuckin’ sexy…_ ” He slunk his body down, stealing a kiss from Ben’s lips, tasting himself and battling tongues for dominance.

Ben flipped them over, now laying Justin on his back. It was _his_ turn to lose himself in his passion for Justin. Justin palmed Ben through his underwear. “ _… take it out… there should be some condoms in my pants pocket…_ ”

Justin raised his body up to peck along Ben’s bare chest. “… _mmm_ … I’d rather show you how far I’m willin’ to go… how committed I am to you…”

“ _… Justin… baby, no… don’…_ ” Ben watched Justin swallow him whole, the sensation of skin on skin and the decadent warm mouth over his already heated length nearly caused him to explode. “ _… shiiit… oh, fuck… that feels… so goooood…_ ” He kept thrusting in and out, closing his eyes and feeling emotions overwhelm him.

Justin finally released him, the sensitized, moist skin of the erection brushing his cheek. He lay back on the cushions. “I think I’m ready. _You?_ ”

“Justin, I can’t--we don’t have to do this right now…”

“… but I want you… an’ I’m ready…”

For the first time in years, Ben felt nervous. He had abstained for so long, he could almost believe he had forgotten how to be intimate with another man, not assured of how he was in bed. His confidence was somewhat shattered.

  
Justin immediately sensed a “difference” about Ben. He never lifted his head or his eyes, as if innocence was regained. Justin couldn’t fathom a man as beautiful as Ben was, to be so incredibly humbled. This was what he had wished Brian would’ve been like for him. He obviously had a softer, gentler side with Michael -- and in an instant of a second everything in the world was forgotten… except the man on his knees before him.

Ben kissed over Justin's belly, brushed hands on the outside of his thighs, sending one hand up the inner thigh to fondle the dangling testicles. He rubbed his cheek along the hip to pelvis, down the pubic bone and swallowed the cocktip.

 _“… ungahghh… Ben, please…_ ” Justin tenderly thrust once… twice… loving the feel of Ben’s hands cupping his bottom and spreading him open. His own hands tangled in Ben’s shorn locks, fingers played over the warm skin, tracing broad shoulders and holding on tight.

Ben gradually stood upright as he kissed along Justin’s chest, shaping his bulky form in his palms. “You’ve filled out in all the right places.” He smiled broadly down into Justin’s wide-eyed face. “… you’re growing into being a great-looking… mad-sexy man, Mr. Taylor…”

“ _… Ben…_ ” Justin hid his face in Ben’s chest.

“I’m serious.” Ben slid cheek along cheek, stopping at an ear. “I’ve never been… _fuck_ , scratch that… there’s only one other person I’ve felt this strongly for…”

“… the man who infected you…”

“Yes. He isn’t here, though. He _hasn’t_ been here for me. _Not like you have_. He no longer deserves my affections, no matter how hard I fell. Or how often he attempted to apologize. _You_ \--you deserve every bit of what he once held exclusively.”

“ _Oh… jesus…_ in a way, I’ll always have a place in my heart for Brian. But you’ve turned out to be so much more compatible with me than I even dreamed my… well, like a ‘boyfriend’ would be to me. I don’t know which of us was born at the wrong time, but… _christ!_ … I’m not sure where I’d be without you.”

“Probably still stuck on Kinney, trying to hurt him in some manner to win him back to your favor.”

“In another time, place… _think you and Michael would’ve lasted?_ ”

“Maybe… I’m liking this scenario a lot better. I don’t know how I know, but I’ve felt like you were loyal to those you gave your heart to… if given the right environment to flourish in. I never believed you were a Brian Kinney Junior.”

“I think it did help. Got the cheating bug outta my system. If I do to you what I’ve done to Brian, properly kick me in the ass and outta your life. You mean too much to me, and I value our friendship more than anything. I never want you thinking badly about me.”

“Never could. You, literally, saved me at my lowest. You were scared, but you never left. Nor were you deterred from the challenge. It’s how I knew I could let you go. You were your own man, you’d only been misguided, led astray. Now… I find, I’m the one that needs you.”

“ _May I tell you something?_ ”

“Sure.”

“I’m committed to us. To you – 100%. I’m not budging, even through rough patches. We’ve never been ones to bring anger to bed. I know we’ll make it, stronger than ever. I want you to know, when you’re ready… when you ‘see’ that I’m content enough in our life… one day, we can do this without protection. _Wait…_ ” Justin grabbed Ben’s hands, already knowing how much he would disagree. “… hear me out. I care about you, so much. I’m willing to put away my fears. Even if it’s for your pleasure. I don’t care what we have to go through… the barrages of tests you need me to take, in order to be assured I’m healthy. As long as we do things to take precautions, I think we can do this safely… for both of us.”

“I don’t need you to put your life on the line to prove anything. We’re getting checked on a regular basis, whether we use condoms or not. I’m not taking any chances shortening your life to spite a second of my own pleasure.”

“I don’t want you to grow bored with me.”

“I won’t. Can’t. Not possible. Besides… _aren’t you curious about what I’ve learned?_ ”

“Yes… I am. Very much.”

“There was lots… and lots of ALONE time spent in the monastery’s library… many, many published versions of the Kama Sutra… ancient to modern… even a gay version…”

“ _Mmm… God…_ now you’ve got me all excited. _Do you know one or two positions you can teach me?_ We could try them tonight.”

“It’s possible I’ll just do them an’ you won’t even know. You’ll only feel an intense euphoria you’ve never experienced before.”

“ _Oh, gawd…_ I could cum just from your voice alone…”

“… we could do that too… _phone sex_ …”

“… _role-playing_ … I actually kinda like that…”

“I’ll try whatever you want, Justin… I’m open-minded and willing.”

“You have no idea what that means for me to hear.”

“… I’m getting horny just thinking about all the ‘trouble’ we could get into…”

“ _Mmm…_ an’ this will only be the beginning… _Christ_... I can't believe we're actually doing this..." Justin swept his arms around Ben's shoulders and crossed them at the nape of his neck. He felt his heart race, blood pumping through his body down to his groin. Ben's hands were sculpting his sides, ending at his waist, the fingers scraping up and down his outer thighs in a sweeping motion.

"I think you've waited long enough." Ben nipped at Justin's mouth, his hands deftly lifting Justin to latch both legs high on his waist. He was walking them to the mattress in Justin's bedroom. Justin arched back on the pillow, offering up a long stretch of throat. Ben took a portion of skin and suckled. "... my doctor has given me a clean bill of health..." He felt Justin's hands cup and submerge into his hair, holding on tight, never wanting to let go. He shut his lids in a glorious fascination of affection, knowing genuine love and feeling the emotion reciprocated. He had no idea Justin would be his one saving grace.

"You know I've been planning this out ever since you told me you wanted this some day, as well. I jus'..." Justin's fingers came around to skim along the full lips. He felt his heart literally ache from thinking that he could've lost _this_... _this beautiful face looking down at him every day_. He had done his fair share of raising a fist to the sky and screaming at the Heavens, wanting to know what Ben had done to deserve this cruel Fate. What Justin had done to fall hopelessly in love with a man whose Fate was iffy, at best. He had dwindled it down to realizing that everyone's life hung in the balance. Just because Ben's outcome was pretty much a given, didn't make him matter less as a viable human being. "... I thought it would be much further away, in the future."

"My future isn't really, _uhm..._ " Ben lowered his head, chin to chest, watching how Justin wasn't even paying attention to what he was doing as much as touching and caressing every inch of him he could with hands and fingers. "... it's a little predictable, so... I have to pick my battles. This one is pretty easy to justify when you get right down to bare facts." He rubbed over Justin’s length, palming the elongated heat.

"... you love me..." Justin cocked his head on the pillow, softly releasing a goofy smile. He brought Ben's head down to rest on his brow. "... you adore me to distraction... against your better judgment."

" _God, yes..._ I think I do." Ben smiled, soundly kissing Justin's mouth, trailing his lips over the pulsating vein in the neck. "... I'm liable to imagine..." He pulled back a bit, eyes alight with a simple tease. "... you feel much the same..."

"... more... so much more..." Justin massaged Ben's scalp, soothing over the soft skin of the nape and over the shoulder blades. "... you have no idea how much I feel..." He undulated under Ben, hooking one leg around Ben's thigh. "... so much more than just 'love'..."

" _Are you scared?_ ” Ben rubbed his thumb pad over the plump moist lips.

"Fuckin' petrified." Justin swallowed with some difficulty, feeling his emotions clog his throat. "I'm more scared of not having this... not having you." He cleared his throat, hard, lifting his chin a little higher in humbleness. "One would think, after my bashing incident, that I would somehow have found clarity amongst the ruins of what was once my life. I guess it's true what they say..."

" _What do that say?_ "

"It takes losing someone special, that you love, in order for you to realize what really matters."

"An', Mr. Taylor... _what really matters?_ "

"… _you_..." Justin clenched Ben's biceps tight, tugging him close to his chest. His hands and arms criss-crossed along Ben's back. "... but it's weird. It's not like I don't matter, in the face of you. It's almost as if I matter just as much, because you matter to me. I'd like to think that you believe the same. So we're equally as important to each other."

" _Ah-ha..._ there's that maturity, again. It wears on you quite well."

"I blame it on you. You make me work for this shit. You sure don't make it easy for me."

Ben curled his arms under Justin's back, holding him close as he tucked his head below the strong chin, resting on the upper chest. "Nothing in life is easy. If it is, then you're doing it wrong and..." He raised his head to hover over Justin's face. "... you're liable to miss all the wild and wondrous things that are worthwhile."

Justin shook his head. " _How could I have been so dumb?_ "

"You're still young. It's not the end of the world."

"Losing you _would_ end my world."

"For awhile."

" _Mmm..._ that's what you think." Justin lifted his arms, high above his head on the pillow. "... do with me what you will, Professor Bruckner..."

Ben kissed a line down Justin's chest, over one pink nipple and bit, making Justin squirm and squeal softly. "... oh, I will, Mr. Taylor... I will..." He brought up his own hands to tenderly imprison the delicate wrists to the pillow case. "... I've been planning, as well..." He quirked up one lone eyebrow, chuckling against Justin's skin.

" _O'r'lly?_ "

" _Christ... what else was I to do, besides think of ways to seduce you into my bed?_ " Ben let his nails scrape over the bare flesh, feeling Justin quiver under him. He buried his face in the flat abdominal wall, sliding down to dark blond pubic curls. "... I liked this vision, in particular..." He rubbed his cheek over the throbbing organ, lips running up and down the flushed skin. _"... the thought of you... thinking of me... getting off..._ " Justin began to piston his hips, biting down on his bottom lip to prevent himself from begging. He knew he didn't have to plead with Ben. "... as you stroked yourself to orgasm, in honor of me... _**Benji**_ , pumping in and out of you…" Ben swallowed the tip, suckling and circling his tongue around the rounded end. His darkening blue eyes connected with Justin's light blue, watching the pupils dilate, then the lids shut in ecstasy. He took the whole length inside his mouth, stretching out his tongue as he bobbed to a quickening pace.

Justin couldn't believe how Ben could know what he did, when he was alone. That when he was here, trying to catch some missed sleep, he would crawl into this big, huge bed and fantasize that he had never left Pittsburgh or Ben. Anything to get him to believe they would never be apart, ever again. He would awake in the middle of the night and be fully aroused to the extent where he would jerk-off into a condom, not wanting to mess the bed sheets and linens. It was such an empty feeling, to simply climax from memory and fantasy.

Ben wanted Justin to know he had some sense of normalcy in this relationship. He sucked for a few strokes, enough to get Justin riled up and horny. The rest of the time was spent cupping and pulling on the soft testicles, then smoothing a finger or two over the perineum, on into the crack. His fingers danced lightly over the anus and up the split, eventually one hand surrounded one or both ass cheeks. He slipped one finger in, unlubed, and massage lightly. Soon Ben, par usual, was so far gone there was no sense in foreplay. Justin had enough sense to break open the condom packet, sheath Ben in one swift move, like a choreographed dance.

Ben tugged Justin down further on the bed, making him fall off the pillows. Justin raised his legs high, his backside off the mattress and offering his spread cheeks and the slicked puckered skin. Ben set his cocktip at the entrance... and looked down to make sure this was what Justin wanted as much as he did. He planted his hands on either side of Justin's shoulders, hovering, but then lowered his body when shaking hands grappled for his biceps and forearms. They were meshed chest-to-chest as Ben slipped inside the warm cavity of Justin's body. There was give, but there was a tightness as Justin clenched his inner muscles around him. " _Oh, gawd... yes..._ " He began to pump in and out. " _... yes, fuck... do that... right there..._ "

Justin hooked his arms under Ben's armpits, securing his hold tight about Ben's body. He had dreamed of this moment for weeks, months -- felt like years. He never wanted it to end, but knew it would shortly, for both of them. " _... fuck me... fuck me an' make me yours..._ " He cried out when Ben rammed home, hitting his prostate at an angle and making him leak an excessive amount of pre-cum. ". _.. oh, shit... shitshitshitshit... this is fuckin' unreal..._ " So much better than his dreams and fantasies. He bit down on his bottom lip, his body arching upward to take more of Ben inside. " _... harder... fuck me harder..._ "

Ben held his body a upright as his lower body pistoned in a frenzied series of motions, the back of Justin's thighs resting on his upper thighs. " _... oh, gawd... so good... so damn good... gonna die, for sure..._ " He kissed Justin hard, twisting and turning his head to duel tongues with him. " _... this is it... for me... you... right here..._ " He sent a hand down to wrap around Justin's cock, tugging as he thrust forward. " _... us..._ "

Justin let his mouth slide along Ben's cheek. "... I love you... god, do I love you... let me show you how much..." Arms spread out from his sides, Justin allowed his body to take over. He wanted Ben to watch him cum. He wanted Ben to see how masterful he was over him, what he could do to his body with everything that was in him. He felt the build in his belly, or thereabouts. Felt the slip-slide into his cock, the intense pressure of needing to release... and then he came. He ejaculated in a series of spurts over his stomach and down his hip, into his pubic hair.

" _Oh, jesus..._ " Watching Justin cum wasn't what made Ben's climax so intense, it was the way Justin expertly tensed his body, squeezing his length inside until he came with a resounding crash. He went stiff and shot load after load into the condom tip, but he wasn't done yet. He kept slamming against Justin's pelvis, knowing that if they could both hold out they could both cum again and again.

" _... yes, yes, yes..._ " Justin pushed up from the mattress, making them both sit upright. He was now straddling, sitting on Ben's lap and positioned higher than Ben. He fucked himself on Ben's cock, riding him as he pushed the face into the crevice of his neck and shoulder, hands tightening into the dark blond perspiring hair. " _... this is crazy..._ " He never realized his emotions could become so overwhelming at once, adding an intensity to his orgasm never felt before. He guessed it must be what happened when you knew the person you were with. loved you as much as you loved them.

" _... this is... amazing..._ "

" _... this Is..._ "

" _... love..._ " Ben canted in one hard thrust against Justin's body above him, feeling the legs surrounding his waist for balance.

Justin groaned out on a long breath as he pounded down onto Ben's body, never realizing that a second batch of orgasms could be so enlightening... so fuckin' eye-opening to his own clarity of what this moment meant for him. This would be his life -- _his entire world_ \-- for the next several years. When at one time he had wanted such permanence and commitment, now he didn't mind the mystery of what came next. He thought marriage and a home would be something he could strive for, cowtie a man who would never grow out of his old ways. So funny to find freedom and a strange independence in the face of the love he felt for Ben.

He felt the orgasms before they hit Ben, actually felt them pump inside Ben's abdomen before they poured out of his cock. That sensation alone made Justin cum, to have this idea that he could control this without really being in control. That someone -- a man like Ben Bruckner -- could want him, solely for who and what he was, not just because of what he had between his legs or what he could do in bed. That was background noise and filler space, not what was really inside them, waiting to come out for one another.

A strong arm tight across his back raised Justin even higher as Ben spewed the last of his semen into the condom on a cry of, _"... love you... love you, love you..."_ murmuring the words like a mantra against Justin's own flesh, letting the words vibrate, lips kissing and tongue licking salty sweat. Ben fell back on the bed, spread-eagled and panting heavily. He un-bent his legs from under his body.

Justin was above him, still unable to release Ben from inside of him. He slowed down his thrusts, rubbing the sweat over the smooth chest wall under his palms. "You okay?" He lightly chuckled, skimming fingerpads over the pert nipples. Ben was literally quivering under him, his thighs still shaking a bit from the intense release.

Ben rubbed his knuckles at his eyes. "Never been better." He looked up at Justin. " _You?_ "

"I'm glad we waited."

" _Me too... me too..._ " Ben yanked Justin down to land on top of him. " _... pull me out... I can't--_ " He chuckled deeply. "... I can't seem to fuckin' move."

" _Eh..._ " Justin didn't want to lose the feel of Ben filling him too soon, so he waited. "... happens to all my guys..."

Ben tugged Justin back, directly forcing him to look at him face-to-face. "I hope you mean that in the singular sense now."

" _Wow... possessive much?_ " Justin could feel his heart swell with pride, such respect and deep love for the man he was with.

" _Do you mind?_ "

"Nah... I don't.” Justin reached between their bodies, gently pulling the cock out of him from the base of the shaft. He felt the residual sensations of going from such thick hardness to basically nothing. He rolled his eyes and licked his lips. “I feel the same way about you. I'll admit to being scared. Look at your class -- what you teach... the college students... your smokin' hot Teacher's Assistant.” Justin tied off the end of the latex to reach across to a night stand and set aside the garbage. “You're liable to meet another me, five years down the road."

" _You see us five years from now?_ " Ben felt the moisture fill his eyes as he tilted his head to look at Justin. It shocked him to think that far ahead on his own. That Justin would actually think of them that far ahead without him saying one word of a vow, or a promise.

"Yes. _Don't you?_ " Justin placed one leg over both of Ben's thighs, lying there hot, sticky and wet with one another. He was so happy he had bought more condoms. Justin settled onto his right side, conforming to Ben's body.

Ben stared up at the ceiling, not really aware some wetness had seeped out of the corner of his eye.

Justin caught sight of the first tear falling. " _... Ben... don't..._ " He tucked his face into Ben's hair, right near an available ear lobe. He reached over to cup Ben's cheek, soothe over the stubble.

Ben clamped a hand over his face in shame. "I'm sorry."

" _Oh, jesus..._ " Justin rose to his elbow, looking down at Ben. "... _no, no_... don't be. I just--I gotta watch what I say, is all." He rested his chin on the bent arm he placed on Ben's chest. "I'm the one who should be sorry." He started drawing, writing on Ben's sensitized flesh.

Ben flipped onto his left side, facing Justin. He sniffled, allowing Justin to caress his face, wipe at his tears. ". _.. thank you..._ " He dipped in to snag a quick peck, then drew backward. "You held onto your promise for me." He wondered if Justin was even aware of what he had done, without even thinking and no one asking of him.

" _I did?_ " Justin raised his eyebrows in confusion. What had he done?

"Yeah..." He leaned in to place another longer, softer kiss on open lips, then to rest very close to them. "... you did. You said, at the beginning, you would make me forget... an' for a second there, I did." He watched Justin's own eyes well with moisture, hearing words he had dreamed of the man he loved speaking to him. "I saw you here, with me. Us—together-- back in the house, in Pittsburgh." He smiled against Justin's mouth, eyes intent on wide blue ones. "You filled every room with your artwork and you always commanded about like you belonged in that place, by my side."

"I feel like I do belong there, but I think it's because of you. You _wanting_ me. That helps."

"I told you once before... _long ago, it seems like_... that I can't make you any guarantees."

" _... yeah?_ "

"... but I'd like to take that back..."

" _You would? Why?_ "

"I'd like to make you an offer -- _an offer of forever_... my kind of Forever, if you will..."

"Oh, Ben... no, c'mon..." Justin cupped the side of Ben's face, lovingly staring over at him. "... you don't have to do this to yourself. It's just the sex talking. Well, the _orgasms_ because of the sex, but... no, don't put that much more pressure on yourself than you've already got. I'll be fine. I can take care of myself."

" _Like you took care of me?_ " Ben shook his head, tracing the jawline of Justin's face, coming down his neck. "... I wanna take care of you, for awhile..."

Justin swallowed down his nerves, in shock by Ben's words to him. " _I didn't do half as bad a job as some would've thought, did I?_ "

"You were a welcoming surprise an' I hope you'll continue to be." Ben ran the backs of his fingers down the bare chest. "I don't have a ring or any kind of special jewelry to signify to the world, or anyone around us, that I want you to be mine... so I'm just making a simple request. That's it. An unwritten rule between us."

" _Ugh... rules!_ _Are you sure you're not hiding Brian Kinney under that fabulous beauty and brawn?_ "

Ben reached out to touch Justin's lashes and the side of his face. "He had no idea the treasure he had in his grasp."

" _Mmm..._ " Justin was over feeling bad about losing Brian to Michael. He could almost understand Michael a little more, since falling in love with Ben. "... if he feels half as good as I feel with you -- with Michael -- I can do nothing but wish him the best. I think I got the better end of the deal, though." It seemed like it was years ago that he had tried to pursue Brian Kinney. When he looked at Ben and thought back to how easy and comfortable everything was... how content they were together, seemed like night and day in comparison.

" _Uhm..._ " Ben knew when Justin was talking with his ego, knew exactly how to deflate it. "... I could die any day. Don't consider that the Grand Prize."

"I could die just as easily." Justin stared into Ben's face, offering the challenge.

"Good point." Ben picked up Justin's hand, kissing the fingers. " _What do you say, Mr. Taylor? Move in? Officially? Join me in my bed and be my love?_ '"

"Yes... _Christ_... I thought you'd never ask."

"Well... I think I've already got one good thing going for me..."

" _What?_ "

"Your Mom _loves_ me."

"Of course she does. _You're not Brian Kinney_."

" _Damn..._ I had some idea it was my witty charm and sparkling personality."

" _Hmm..._ I've often thought she was quite jealous. I think it's tough for her to _not_ find you attractive when she's single herself."

"We should tell her I'm gay and in love with you. She has no chance of winning over her wonderful, beautiful son."

Justin didn't know if he would ever get used to Ben thinking he was "beautiful", but it was nice to hear when they were alone. "Later... we'll tell her much, _much_ later." He went back to straddling Ben's hips, squeezing tight. He could already feel Ben start to rise again, hardening into an erection that would rub against his backside. He reached back to palm the cock against his body. "... let's stay in tomorrow... all day..."

"Fine by me. I just--some time this afternoon, I'd like to head back to my hotel room and go back to writing."

" _Really? You brought a supply of legal pads and pencils? You wanna write again?_ " Justin got excited and fidgety from the thought alone of more of Ben's fabulous book to read.

"I've gotta finish the story. It needs a satisfying ending. Possibly... a 'happy' one..."

"Maybe it doesn't."

" _Huh?_ "

"I mean... look at us... yeah, I think we're happy, living in the moments, but overall... it can't _be_ a happy ending..."

" _Would you be all right if I--if I created an ambiguous ending? Would that be better?_ "

" _What feels right to you?_ "

"Whatever makes this book sell."

"Write both an'... I'll read them."

" _You really want to help me with this thing?_ "

" _It is about us, isn't it? In a way?_ "

"Loosely based on you, yeah... but also some of my own gay experiences with older men."

" _Oh? How much older?_ "

"Five or less. Never anything more."

" _... oh..._ " Justin hung his head, wishing he could share a similar experience with Ben, like he normally could. Now he felt like such a horny twink. Both of the most important men in his life were significantly older than him.

"Hey..." Ben rose upward, leaning back on his hands. One hand reached out to lift up Justin's lowering chin. "... you're doing _nothing_ wrong, if you honestly follow your heart, not your cock."

"If it's possible, I think--"

" _... yeah?_ "

"I think I love you more than I loved Brian... you know, if you really want the truth..."

Ben smirked, grabbing the back of Justin's head to kiss him roughly, fingers tangling in the blond strands. "You always know exactly what to say to me to get me to want you more."

"I try... oh, I try my hardest..."

"Speaking of _hard_..." Ben looked down at Justin's own growing erection. "... I might be reconsidering the writing..." He curled his arms around Justin's hips, spreading the ass cheeks wide. " _... are you sore?_ " He tenderly massaged the puckered skin.

"No. I'm better than I usually am." Justin reached back to grab another condom packet. "I think I could go for a few more rounds... especially if you promise to let me lead every once and awhile." He gently pushed Ben to lay back, showing him how he could control the sex from this position. He also knew how much Ben liked to watch him ride as he straddled his waist.

"Oh, I think that's a promise I can surely keep." Ben gripped Justin's thighs, soothing up and down the flesh with the fronts and backs of his fingers.

Justin twisted back around once he had covered Ben's length in latex, then he adjusted his body to rise. He looked between his legs as he slowly lowered himself onto the rounded tip, sinking fast and filling the emptiness inside. " _... oh, yeah... shit..._ " He canted three times, while gripping Ben's torso under the rib cage. He set his knees to the mattress, then the front part of his calves as he thrust up and down in a gradual rhythm. After awhile, Ben reached around to grab his bottom, splitting his crack open and allowing air to hit his open rectum. " _... uhagh... fuck... yeah..._ " He was held suspended in mid-air as Ben rolled his hips in a series of pounding movements that weakened Justin, causing Ben to roll them over onto Justin's back. It was time for him to take control again.

Justin stretched his arms above his head, letting Ben have free reign over his naked body. When his right nipple was sucked and licked, he cried out his pleasure. But when Ben moved to the left, he was a little more rougher than normal. This caused Justin to arc off the mattress and tighten his inner muscles which enveloped Ben's cock and milked him for every last drop he was holding back. Ben collapsed on top of him, still slamming into his body as he reached between their chests and stroked Justin into his own orgasm.

They lay there, spent and weary... not sure they could do this again, unless they waited an hour.

Ben pressed his cheek hard to Justin's chest, one-arm hugging him to his frame. Justin understood what Ben was trying to convey and brushed his fingers through the wet dark blond hair. He, too, couldn't believe that every damn time they fucked they came nearly simultaneously and that -- if the moment proved right -- their hearts were more willing than their bodies in want and need of one another...

Justin didn't want to be anywhere else, with anyone else. This was perfect, right where he lay in Ben's arms. His heart was full. And he was home…

 

 **THE END**


End file.
